Distant doctor I was seeing. (ugh OLD)

[Biscous]

You all were right! The distance was there. I saw her last Sunday and she was cuddling me, telling me how I smell and look nice.

 

Next day she is distant. Goes out of town. Does the weird follow/unfollow stuff on IG. Gets back Sunday and nothing from her. Today I call her up and she didn't answer.

 

I see her updating stuff on IG and the BOOM I see her active on Bumble again. So classic.

 

I really hate online dating and I was so easy to assume that a woman in her late 30s and profession would be above all of that after her profile said she wants something serious and no hookups. So emotionally draining.

[PRW]

I was one of those that said it would be exactly this. I hoped me hitting you with the bad projection helped it not be such a shock, and hence a little easier to take. tI was easy for me to see it since I wasn't emotionally involved.

 

Keep in mind that she let you off as gentle as she could. There was no fighting, no serious drama, nothing that really cost you any money or any public embarrassment.

 

The lack of reaction from her when you tried to contact her may have been hard for you to grasp at the time,...but in "woman speak" she was screaming the truth at you. So just keep that in mind with the next one. If you back off when they back off,...basically show the identical interest level that they do, then you keep everything in balance and they will respect you for it in the end. They may even come back to you after a little break because they see you as a guy who has his act together and that you have a better understanding of women than most men because you took their hints for what they were and responded accordingly.

 

Also, don't think she was dishonest in her profile about what she wanted. She could want exactly what she said,...but she just decided it wouldn't be with you for whatever reason. Don't take that as an insult, it is just life. I'm sure that you yourself know plenty of women you think are real really good high-quality people, but you don't want to marry them.

Edited March 20, 2018 by PRW

[Biscous]

I was one of those that said it would be exactly this. I hoped me hitting you with the bad projection helped it not be such a shock, and hence a little easier to take. tI was easy for me to see it since I wasn't emotionally involved.

 

Keep in mind that she let you off as gentle as she could. There was no fighting, no serious drama, nothing that really cost you any money or any public embarrassment.

 

The lack of reaction from her when you tried to contact her may have been hard for you to grasp at the time,...but in "woman speak" she was screaming the truth at you. So just keep that in mind with the next one. If you back off when they back off,...basically show the identical interest level that they do, then you keep everything in balance and they will respect you for it in the end. They may even come back to you after a little break because they see you as a guy who has his act together and that you have a better understanding of women than most men because you took their hints for what they were and responded accordingly.

 

Also, don't think see was dishonest in her profile about what she wanted. She could want exactly what she said,...but she just decided it wouldn't be with you for whatever reason. Don't take that as an insult, it is just life. I'm sure that you yourself know plenty of women you think are real really good high-quality people, but you don't want to marry them.

 

It's just annoying... I've done the casual sex thing and it's not emotionally satisfying. I got emotionally invested a bit more than she did.

 

Honestly if I'm not interested in pursuing something serious with someone I wouldn't go past a certain amount of dates. We did that and had sex. She was contacting me during her last work trip. Letting me know when she left and came back, sending family pics. It...just doesn't add up to me if you get that close.

 

It wasn't that long but still we connected. I don't know man. Thanks for responding. I'm not really the type to send something vindictive or anything but I would certainly like to know why? What was your motive? That's really it.

 

In terms of online dating I've had one come back. Now relationships....they come back. Crazy.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Biscous

[LivingWaterPlease]

Either she met someone else or had some kind of epiphany about the relationship the two of you shared. She may also have realized she's not over someone else who was in her life prior to you. Or it could be one or more of many other realizations she came to.

 

I get that you want to know why. But, she's the only person who can give you the answer, as you well know!

[Biscous]

Either she met someone else or had some kind of epiphany about the relationship the two of you shared. She may also have realized she's not over someone else who was in her life prior to you. Or it could be one or more of many other realizations she came to.

 

I get that you want to know why. But, she's the only person who can give you the answer, as you well know!

 

In these situations I always want closure. Not sure if it is even worth it though contacting. As a guy it can be misconstrued as weak and needy.

[Zippy2000]

Sorry to hear what happened Biscous. A similar thing happened to me a few years ago and she was a nurse. She told that she wasn't ready for a relationship and she was going through her divorce and wasn't up for online dating.

 

 

Online to find her back on the site AND worse thing was I found out she was dating one of my friends!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

In these situations I always want closure. Not sure if it is even worth it though contacting. As a guy it can be misconstrued as weak and needy.

 

No, don't do this. You're not going to get a satisfactory answer anyway. And I make it a habit to never burn bridges anywhere I go.

[LivingWaterPlease]

In these situations I always want closure. Not sure if it is even worth it though contacting. As a guy it can be misconstrued as weak and needy.

 

I understand. Chances are as you just let life play out you'll learn the answer. And if you were to learn what she believes at this point to be the answer, you still may have questions. Best to just move on, imo.

[Popsicle]

Either she met someone else or had some kind of epiphany about the relationship the two of you shared. She may also have realized she's not over someone else who was in her life prior to you. Or it could be one or more of many other realizations she came to.

 

I get that you want to know why. But, she's the only person who can give you the answer, as you well know!

 

Yeah something happened. Not sure what it was but the following and unfollowing on IG is a sure sign. We can nit read her mind. It could be a million reasons why. Could be related to you, could not be related to you. Either way I wouldn’t worry too much about it and move on.

[Popsicle]

This is classic ghosting.

 

It’s pretty traumatizing when you have invested yourself.

 

This is how people become bitter.

 

Or at the very least, cold, as they close their heart after that to protect it, while at the same time continuing to date. So they’re just this person who is available but not available. They’re available on paper, but not available with their heart. It sucks.

[ShyLove]

I don't know the whole story but In many cases, men and women string people along bc they're bored and you're the only one paying attention to them at the moment so they hang in there knowing they are not all in bc texting and hanging out with you is better than not texting or hanging out at all. I definitely did this in my 20s and have definitely had this happen to me in my twenties as well as in my 30s.

 

Also, just bc two people "want something serious" doesn't mean that those 2 people are automatically a match.

 

I would just let her go. I know its hard bc emotions are fresh and new but what helped me during times like this was thinking how I spend every waking moment figuring out what went wrong then knowing the other person has not had a passing thought about me in days/weeks. Think about the times you were not interested in dating someone. You prob didn't think about them much after it fizzled out.

 

Anyway, things will definitely get better

Edited March 20, 2018 by ShyLove

[stillafool]

Dating is easy for her being a doctor in her 30s she's probably smooth. She probably doesn't want to settle down but knows it's time. She's dragging her feet. OP if you want a serious relationship maybe it would be best to not go for women who have time consuming careers as that is most likely their first love.

[Popsicle]

Dating is easy for her being a doctor in her 30s she's probably smooth. She probably doesn't want to settle down but knows it's time. She's dragging her feet. OP if you want a serious relationship maybe it would be best to not go for women who have time consuming careers as that is most likely their first love.

 

yeah my suspicion is that she's playing it like "The Bachelorette". Exploring all of her options and being very picky. Her 30's might pass her by.

[kendahke]

You all were right! The distance was there. I saw her last Sunday and she was cuddling me, telling me how I smell and look nice.

 

Next day she is distant. Goes out of town. Does the weird follow/unfollow stuff on IG. Gets back Sunday and nothing from her. Today I call her up and she didn't answer.

 

I see her updating stuff on IG and the BOOM I see her active on Bumble again. So classic.

 

I really hate online dating and I was so easy to assume that a woman in her late 30s and profession would be above all of that after her profile said she wants something serious and no hookups. So emotionally draining.

 

That is the chance you take, even if you meet people in real life. No one owes you reciprocity.

 

I was talking to a guy from OLD a few years back... and he was saying everything one would want to hear. Was wanting what I was wanting in a relationship. Win/win, right? No.

 

We went out on a few dates and he suddenly evaporates. Only one word responses from him, where I would take the time to write something (my text data package is 100%). About 6 months later, I'm on a different dating site and lo and behold, look who comes up in my collection of guys in my demographic, saying the same thing as before.

 

Did I mention he was 64?

 

Doesn't matter the age. If someone doesn't feel they click with you, even if they are behaving to the contrary and leading you to believe that they are interested, they're not going to stick with it. They're not obligated to. He owed me nothing and I certainly don't want someone faking it if they're not really feeling it. It's best that they go on their way and leave me be.

[Biscous]

Hmm just texted me

 

"*waves* I made it back in one piece :-) how was time with the family?

[Popsicle]

Hmm just texted me

 

"*waves* I made it back in one piece :-) how was time with the family?

 

LOL

 

Okay. You just have a distant one on your hands. If you can't handle that, then end it now. I PROMISE YOU this will not get better. She will always be this distant and like space. If this bothers you and need more closeness, then she is not the one for you. She is not going to change or compromise if that's what you're waiting for.

[Biscous]

LOL

 

Okay. You just have a distant one on your hands. If you can't handle that, then end it now. I PROMISE YOU this will not get better. She will always be this distant and like space. If this bothers you and need more closeness, then she is not the one for you. She is not going to change or compromise if that's what you're waiting for.

 

This is how men turn into dogs lol.

[Popsicle]

This is how men turn into dogs lol.

 

I made a post up above about that. It happens to women too. It happens to everyone. You get your heart broken and you become jaded and close your heart up for business and take it out on everyone else.

[Biscous]

BTW I responded to her last text a few hours later and what I really think is going on is some form of 'benching'. Basically pursuing other options while keeping me on the backburner.

 

She has mentioned that she has friends and family coming in town, stuff going on, etc. but then she could even communicate more.

 

When someone's flirting and reciprocity goes down the tube it is an emotional shift. I was thinking I was being boring, she lost attraction, or something. Really we clicked...and we did upon first meet. There were sparks. It was enough to have sex with her multiple times.

 

So she likes me but for whatever reason I'm not 'ideal'. Maybe too young for her, lifestyle difference, I mentioned I wanted kids and she isn't sure, etc. Probably will keep trying to breadcrumb until I either ignore or we meet and have sex then rinse and repeat lol.

[Biscous]

Yep haven't heard anything since Tuesday morning, yet active on IG and Bumble lmao.

 

I got a date lined up tonight. It's a coin flip decision if I'm going to send her a text but I also believe there's strength in silence.

[PRW]

Yep haven't heard anything since Tuesday morning, yet active on IG and Bumble lmao.

 

I got a date lined up tonight. It's a coin flip decision if I'm going to send her a text but I also believe there's strength in silence.

 

Oh, come'on!

 

A text?

 

If you have a date and it is with her,...what the h*** is a text for?

 

If you have a date and it is with someone else,...that the h*** is a text for?

 

In any case,...what the h***is a text for?

 

If you have a date,...go on it.

[Biscous]

Oh, come'on!

 

A text?

 

If you have a date and it is with her,...what the h*** is a text for?

 

If you have a date and it is with someone else,...that the h*** is a text for?

 

In any case,...what the h***is a text for?

 

If you have a date,...go on it.

 

Date is with an other girl.

 

The text is to close the distance between the doctor and I to elicit a response.

[PRW]

Date is with an other girl.

 

The text is to close the distance between the doctor and I to elicit a response.

 

Date with another. Excellent! That is great. So focus on that for now. I recommend that while not exclusive with anyone you date two or three at the same time. Obviously that will change if you become exclusive with anyone. But it is for your own mental and emotional health. It keeps you from obsessing over any particular one too soon, it helps you convince yourself that you have options (and you do actually have options, so believe it).

 

There is no "distance to close" with the Doc. She arbitrarily changed the conditions of your situation. Not saying she did anything wrong, I think she handled it fairly normal, and you need view her as if she did. You absolutely do not chase, nag, or poke with a stick. It is totally up to her to reach out to you if she wants to spend any time with you,...it is not up to you,..not your role in this. If she does reach out then you be nice, pleasant, friendly, and say, "Great to hear from you! When are you free to get together?" If she gives you a day/time then make a specific date (day/time/place). Then stay off the phone till the day. Let anticipation for the date build. If she says she can not get together then you say, "Ok, well if you change your mind let me know, I gotta run, catch ya later!" and get off the phone. Repeat that each time she reaches out. She will eventually cooperate, or she will just stop contacting you,...either way is closure.

 

It is an analogy of a cat. If you chase a cat it runs away and hides. If you leave the cat alone will come sniffing around again and if you are pleasant and not "grabby" it will curl up in your lap.

[Biscous]

Date with another. Excellent! That is great. So focus on that for now. I recommend that while not exclusive with anyone you date two or three at the same time. Obviously that will change if you become exclusive with anyone. But it is for your own mental and emotional health. It keeps you from obsessing over any particular one too soon, it helps you convince yourself that you have options (and you do actually have options, so believe it).

 

There is no "distance to close" with the Doc. She arbitrarily changed the conditions of your situation. Not saying she did anything wrong, I think she handled it fairly normal, and you need view her as if she did. You absolutely do not chase, nag, or poke with a stick. It is totally up to her to reach out to you if she wants to spend any time with you,...it is not up to you,..not your role in this. If she does reach out then you be nice, pleasant, friendly, and say, "Great to hear from you! When are you free to get together?" If she gives you a day/time then make a specific date (day/time/place). Then stay off the phone till the day. Let anticipation for the date build. If she says she can not get together then you say, "Ok, well if you change your mind let me know, I gotta run, catch ya later!" and get off the phone. Repeat that each time she reaches out. She will eventually cooperate, or she will just stop contacting you,...either way is closure.

 

It is an analogy of a cat. If you chase a cat it runs away and hides. If you leave the cat alone will come sniffing around again and if you are pleasant and not "grabby" it will curl up in your lap.

 

LOL cat analogy is spot on.

 

I just don't like being intimate with no more than one girl. I need to screen better and honestly rely LESS on online dating.

[PRW]

LOL cat analogy is spot on.

 

I just don't like being intimate with no more than one girl.

 

Exactly.

Why do you think I told you to do that? It is part of your problem. First of all casual dating is not being "intimate". You start unzipping pants and the problems start and your focus gets out of wack. You need to learn how to have the right frame of mind to be able to do this.

 

Instead you get laser focused on The One and "scare the cat away".

 

You'll wake up one day and find yourself in your late-50's and have gotten nowhere. Spend 6 months searching,....3 months dating,...1 month mourning a failure,... 2 months getting back into the rhythm again. Meet another one and do that same thing again. Next thing you know you've been through 5 failed attempts and are now five years older with no progress. But doing what I am telling you let's you get through 5 of them, toss out 4 you didn't want and find a 5th one that has potential in just 2-3 months. This is exactly what the "Doc" is doing, I'd lay money on it,...you were just one of the "4" that got tossed out. That's why I keep hinting that you shouldn't look bad on her for that,...she is doing it "right",...learn from her.

Edited March 23, 2018 by PRW