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What would you think?


db1984

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I have been dating a guy for a few months, pretty serious from the get go. All is well aside from we had our first real argument this weekend and even though we recovered well as far as I could tell (no silent treatments after, good make up sx and all that, still saying we love each other), I discovered that somewhere over the last few days my bf deleted the photo of us from his FB account that he had posted a week or so ago, before we obviously had conflict. When I asked him about this today, he acted like he had no idea and said he was deleting "old" photos this weekend and must have deleted that one inadvertently. (really?), and so he said he will repost the photo.

 

 

So I told him that just in case this was a case of him deleting it because we had a fight and he was pissed off, it's just not the way to go. I told him it would be immature to do that and I would never do that unless we actually broke up.

 

It was going so well, but it turns out he is a bit defensive, immature and sulky. But I've seen this in other guys, too. So I wonder if I just have to put up with it from time to time.

 

Anyway, what would yall do if your bf deleted your photo from his fb after your first lovers quarrel? I chose to let it go and see if he continues to be immature.

 

 

Thanks,

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Too early to make a judgment on that.

He may have done it quickly before you "made up".

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Too early to make a judgment on that.

He may have done it quickly before you "made up".

 

 

well the sudden indifference speaks for itself right? You cannot claim to love someone and yet "dispose" of them at the first sign of trouble. I say proceed with caution.

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To be honest, this sounds like an immature relationship all the way around. I mean, you say you've been "pretty serious from the get go" and this is your first fight. And his response is not only to delete your picture, but also to LIE about it?

 

Sorry, OP, but this is a bad sign. I'd move on, if it were me....

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To be honest, this sounds like an immature relationship all the way around. I mean, you say you've been "pretty serious from the get go" and this is your first fight. And his response is not only to delete your picture, but also to LIE about it?

 

Sorry, OP, but this is a bad sign. I'd move on, if it were me....

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your advice. I cannot prove that he is lying, but really can we just assume that he is??? Come on right?

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I think you're making a big deal of nothing.

 

He was upset - you'd had a fight. He was sad (unless you have other reason to believe he was secretly happy you'd had a fight). He did something emotional. He didn't want to look at that happy picture of you at that moment because he was busted up about it.

 

For heaven's sake, allow him 2 inches of personal space to feel crappy when he's upset.

 

In my opinion, you are really digging for a way to be a snot here. This is not important. Facebook is not real life. He is not your puppy. Find something else to fret over, please.

 

And the reason he lied to you about deleting it is because it was a passing sadness that doesn't hold up to congressional examination. He didn't have a prepared statement for you, as he was (hopefully) more concerned with your relationship than with fluffing facebook for appearance's sake.

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Oh, please, Sunlight. Deleting his fb pic over their first fight reveals an incredible lack of maturity on his part. And there's no excuse for lying. Why couldn't he had just said something like 'Oh, yeah, I thought we were through, but I'm so happy that we're not.'

 

To lie about it reveals not only immaturity but a gross lack of respect on his part. I myself would not put up with it, but to each their own.

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hippychick3

It was very unlikely to be an accident, and he was just acting defensively not knowing if things would resolve. It was definitely impulsive and immature.

 

However....Given this is still a newish relationship and he can’t be 100% sure about you yet (too early to fully trust you and how YOU’LL respond to a conflict), I would not immediately break up with him. But I would proceed with caution.

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I think you're making a big deal of nothing.

 

He was upset - you'd had a fight. He was sad (unless you have other reason to believe he was secretly happy you'd had a fight). He did something emotional. He didn't want to look at that happy picture of you at that moment because he was busted up about it.

 

For heaven's sake, allow him 2 inches of personal space to feel crappy when he's upset.

 

In my opinion, you are really digging for a way to be a snot here. This is not important. Facebook is not real life. He is not your puppy. Find something else to fret over, please.

 

And the reason he lied to you about deleting it is because it was a passing sadness that doesn't hold up to congressional examination. He didn't have a prepared statement for you, as he was (hopefully) more concerned with your relationship than with fluffing facebook for appearance's sake.

 

 

 

I agree with you. But I find it hard to trust someone who reacts out of immaturity. That is the issue. However, we all deserve some compassion. I figure he will grow up or continue to say/do things that are spiteful and immature. We will see. Thank you for your comment, it was/is thought provoking.

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It was very unlikely to be an accident, and he was just acting defensively not knowing if things would resolve. It was definitely impulsive and immature.

 

However....Given this is still a newish relationship and he can’t be 100% sure about you yet (too early to fully trust you and how YOU’LL respond to a conflict), I would not immediately break up with him. But I would proceed with caution.

 

 

 

Thank you. If he does not re-post the photo as he said he would then I will address it with him to see how he "really feels". lol Impulsive and immature behavior is just tiring coming from a grown-*ss man.

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Versacehottie
I have been dating a guy for a few months, pretty serious from the get go. All is well aside from we had our first real argument this weekend and even though we recovered well as far as I could tell (no silent treatments after, good make up sx and all that, still saying we love each other), I discovered that somewhere over the last few days my bf deleted the photo of us from his FB account that he had posted a week or so ago, before we obviously had conflict. When I asked him about this today, he acted like he had no idea and said he was deleting "old" photos this weekend and must have deleted that one inadvertently. (really?), and so he said he will repost the photo.

 

 

So I told him that just in case this was a case of him deleting it because we had a fight and he was pissed off, it's just not the way to go. I told him it would be immature to do that and I would never do that unless we actually broke up.

 

It was going so well, but it turns out he is a bit defensive, immature and sulky. But I've seen this in other guys, too. So I wonder if I just have to put up with it from time to time.

 

Anyway, what would yall do if your bf deleted your photo from his fb after your first lovers quarrel? I chose to let it go and see if he continues to be immature.

 

 

Thanks,

 

I would do what you did. Differently though. I wouldn't use FB anything as a barometer of what is going on/appropriate. That in itself is an immature measure IMO. As you have decided, I would look to see if he has signs of immaturity and communication problems that can't be addressed. I would pick and choose my battles and measures though and FB wouldn't be one of them. Lying would be--but Idk if you are sure he has lied.

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I would pick and choose my battles and measures though and FB wouldn't be one of them. Lying would be--but Idk if you are sure he has lied.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course that is a very good point!~

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Don't fight the small wars. If he deleted that out of spite, what's the best thing you could have done? Not noticed. That way, he knows that doesn't work as a way of getting his way or your attention. Don't pick on small things like that. Pretend not to notice or care. That way there's no payoff for him.

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Don't fight the small wars. If he deleted that out of spite, what's the best thing you could have done? Not noticed. That way, he knows that doesn't work as a way of getting his way or your attention. Don't pick on small things like that. Pretend not to notice or care. That way there's no payoff for him.

 

 

 

Yes I could have ignored it. But it's about trust. How can you trust someone that is that fragile and freaks out and does spiteful things when the wind doesn't blow in his direction? As a male friend once told me, there is nothing more pathetic than a fragile man.

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Well, if you believe it was an accident, I have some property down here in Florida for you to look at, lol.

 

 

 

LOL, yes. But without proof, he will always claim it was an "accident". I would rather him take accountability. There is always hope.

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Versacehottie
Thank you for your advice. I cannot prove that he is lying, but really can we just assume that he is??? Come on right?

 

Maybe he just doesn't want to continue arguing with you. A lot of the guys I know do exactly that because they want to resolve the conflict not re-open it so they do a little white lie. In his case maybe because he realizes it was silly and immature to delete the photo of you two but he certainly doesn't want to argue about it. He also may be keep his eye on a tendency of yours to monitor his feed and nitpick over silly stuff--your argument/position on this subject & thread goes both ways.

 

I can't remember now but are you sure he deleted it after the argument or was it before or are you not sure? See that's why I would let it go--do you really want to be the psycho gf that is patrolling his FB? :)

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Maybe he just doesn't want to continue arguing with you. A lot of the guys I know do exactly that because they want to resolve the conflict not re-open it so they do a little white lie. In his case maybe because he realizes it was silly and immature to delete the photo of you two but he certainly doesn't want to argue about it. He also may be keep his eye on a tendency of yours to monitor his feed and nitpick over silly stuff--your argument/position on this subject & thread goes both ways.

 

I can't remember now but are you sure he deleted it after the argument or was it before or are you not sure? See that's why I would let it go--do you really want to be the psycho gf that is patrolling his FB? :)

 

 

 

LMAO, Exactly! No I do not. He admitted to the "deleting old photos" this weekend, so yes it was after the fight we had on Friday. He posts a lot of things to FB every day, and I was looking for a specific one that was somewhere in his feed, and that is how I randomly discovered our lovely photo had been (erroneously?) deleted. Funny you point that out tho! Definitely don't want to poke that skunk.

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Versacehottie
Don't fight the small wars. If he deleted that out of spite, what's the best thing you could have done? Not noticed. That way, he knows that doesn't work as a way of getting his way or your attention. Don't pick on small things like that. Pretend not to notice or care. That way there's no payoff for him.

 

Yes it's nagging too. Because on one hand, now that you are his gf, do you get to decide what his FB photos are? Ugh, that is going to be how he sees it if you "follow up". And it's gonna wear real thin. I would let the whole FB photo go. You will get more honey with flies & also see what he is really about. Rather than badgering the guy and finding out 6 months down the road that he jumped through every hoop you wanted him to but is not a great or the right bf for you. At the beginning observe what someone gives and does of their own valition and you will see what you are really getting. Plus nagging is a relationship killer/drag. Not only if you are getting him to do what you want but also who you BECOME. You couldn't pay me to become that person.

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Yes it's nagging too. Because on one hand, now that you are his gf, do you get to decide what his FB photos are? Ugh, that is going to be how he sees it if you "follow up". And it's gonna wear real thin. I would let the whole FB photo go. You will get more honey with flies & also see what he is really about. Rather than badgering the guy and finding out 6 months down the road that he jumped through every hoop you wanted him to but is not a great or the right bf for you. At the beginning observe what someone gives and does of their own valition and you will see what you are really getting. Plus nagging is a relationship killer/drag. Not only if you are getting him to do what you want but also who you BECOME. You couldn't pay me to become that person.

 

 

 

Oh I agree, it's too tiring to nag the dude. But early on he looked me in the eye and said "tell me when something bothers you because holding it in will just cause fights". I should have known better. sigh. Too much drama. for sure. I had to tell him to stop discussing the semantics of his custody battle, it was taking over our relationship. I had to then tell him we might have different parenting styles and offered some unsolicited advice. BAM!! And here we are. lol so no, I don't have to be bothered, I chose to be bothered. I can certainly be more patient. I can certainly go with the flow here. Forget about FB, it's basically a fan club in my view.

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"tell me when something bothers you because holding it in will just cause fights". I should have known better. sigh.

 

This isn't to be taken literally. No matter what a person says about wanting to know what bothers you, learning to pick your battles is crucial.

 

In relationships, wayward balls happen now and then. Now we can swing at them all, but there are many times when we're better off just letting them pass and saving our energy. And also remembering that whacking every wayward ball just leaves us more at risk of being caught and sent off.

 

I would have let this ball pass.

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Yes I could have ignored it. But it's about trust. How can you trust someone that is that fragile and freaks out and does spiteful things when the wind doesn't blow in his direction? As a male friend once told me, there is nothing more pathetic than a fragile man.

 

Trust, fragility and spitefulness? are we really talking about a deleted picture on FB? If he had slept with your sister I would understand using those words but for a deleted picture on FB?

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Versacehottie
Oh I agree, it's too tiring to nag the dude. But early on he looked me in the eye and said "tell me when something bothers you because holding it in will just cause fights". I should have known better. sigh. Too much drama. for sure. I had to tell him to stop discussing the semantics of his custody battle, it was taking over our relationship. I had to then tell him we might have different parenting styles and offered some unsolicited advice. BAM!! And here we are. lol so no, I don't have to be bothered, I chose to be bothered. I can certainly be more patient. I can certainly go with the flow here. Forget about FB, it's basically a fan club in my view.

 

Oh well this is interesting. I get it and actually think it's a good sign that he would have said in advance to tell him if something bothers you. Shows a willingness even if you BOTH haven't got the "how" down yet. Maybe bottling stuff up on his end, on his ex's is what caused problems before and he doesn't want that to happen with you both. He also could have been a little overly high on the new relationship where you thought he was a dreamboat that was never gonna f*ck up. lol so he didn't mind throwing that line out there because he thought you'd never need to use the open communication for "things that bother".

 

I would just consider that you might have tried with something smaller but more meaningful than say a FB issue but not as big as the custody stuff. That's advanced tell what you don't like! And you didn't know yet in a more adversity type discussion how he was going to react. I mean those were 3 of the hottest buttons for "tell me what you don't like" discussion items ever! Risky. And there is no guarantee that your own way of delivering that info was good-speak. So i can see why he might have open the door yet still gotten sulky. I just think that even though things are really close and seem very compatible, you both don't have any "practice" hashing things out yet. You can't be expected to get it perfect or even good on the first fight. So resolve to get better about ahem discussing things and see if he meets you half-way. I kind of think he will.

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I think your gut is telling you something correct. I DON'T think you should start a fight or talk about this is any way with him, but I do think it is the beginning of the end or as you called it "his indifference". I say this because my ex did the same thing and that's exactly where things went after that.

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