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Male friend - how to explain?


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How do I handle this?

 

I am in a new relationship with a former coworker. We text all the time and spend weekends together.

 

In the same time, another former coworker, a friend, but I always suspected a little more, wants to come over to my place to have dinner together. He has been here before but I was single, it was to see my then-new house, and it was during day hours.

 

I do NOT want my friend to know about my relationship, we actually want to keep it private at least until mid/late spring, plus my friend and my boyfriend work together and it's too much office rumors.

 

I also feel uncomfortable having a guy at my place at night when I am with someone.

 

What do I tell my guy friend? I just don't know how not to insult him (he stated he thinks he's a 'pest' because I cancelled on him before so it's weird already) and in the same time, not to share the reasons (my new relationship).

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newyorker11356
How do I handle this?

 

I am in a new relationship with a former coworker. We text all the time and spend weekends together.

 

In the same time, another former coworker, a friend, but I always suspected a little more, wants to come over to my place to have dinner together. He has been here before but I was single, it was to see my then-new house, and it was during day hours.

 

I do NOT want my friend to know about my relationship, we actually want to keep it private at least until mid/late spring, plus my friend and my boyfriend work together and it's too much office rumors.

 

I also feel uncomfortable having a guy at my place at night when I am with someone.

 

What do I tell my guy friend? I just don't know how not to insult him (he stated he thinks he's a 'pest' because I cancelled on him before so it's weird already) and in the same time, not to share the reasons (my new relationship).

 

Why not just say you're not into him like that? In some ways, you're kind of leading him on.

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Do not have him over. But you already know that.

 

How about just say no? You do not need any excuses. If you want to give him one then say you are flossing your cat. Maybe he will get the hint.

 

It seems quite presumptuous for anyone, even your own mother, to be inviting himself or herself over to your place for dinner. I believe a woman's house is her castle. But maybe that's just the way I was raised.

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Why not just say you're not into him like that? In some ways, you're kind of leading him on.

 

He just asked to get over for dinner. I think he's pretty aware I'm not interested romantically so I'm not getting why he insists to be at home dinner ...

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In this case, no response is the best response. I agree it’s pretty rude to invite himself over for dinner.

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I will. He was over before - under the presumption he is just here to see my new house, then helped me with something car related and said jokingly he wants 'a car ride and a dinner' in return. Now - it's not that joking because it has been months and he has been pestering for this d*mn dinner ever since...

 

I also left the company where we used to work before. He wants to catch up, I do too but I'd prefer to be over coffee out of home...

 

Do not have him over. But you already know that.

 

How about just say no? You do not need any excuses. If you want to give him one then say you are flossing your cat. Maybe he will get the hint.

 

It seems quite presumptuous for anyone, even your own mother, to be inviting himself or herself over to your place for dinner. I believe a woman's house is her castle. But maybe that's just the way I was raised.

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He wouldn't be carrying out this farce if he wasn't hoping for more. Just tell him you can't have a guy over because you're dating someone.

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The "right thing to do" would be to wait and until your relationship is official and invite him over to have dinner with you and your boyfriend. Although, you play with fire since you already are aware of his deeper interest.

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Hmmm. Propose coffee instead.

 

Maybe delay said dinner that you "owe" until after you and new bf are out in the open then invite him over to dinner with the both of you?

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Don’t invite him over for dinner in late spring. Meet him for coffee and give him a gift card to a restaurant.

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I will. He was over before - under the presumption he is just here to see my new house, then helped me with something car related and said jokingly he wants 'a car ride and a dinner' in return. Now - it's not that joking because it has been months and he has been pestering for this d*mn dinner ever since...

 

Then have dinner with him. Just not at home - go out somewhere. I think that's way more fun anyway.

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Don’t invite him over for dinner in late spring. Meet him for coffee and give him a gift card to a restaurant.

 

I'm thinking this will be the most appropriate thing to do :) I want to be friendly and don't want to play games.

 

It just rubs me the wrong way he texted me that now he thinks he's a 'pest'. I didn't want him to feel like a pest but also didn't know how to explain....

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I don't see why you haven't already told him you're busy because you're seeing someone. If he's any kind of level headed person, he will back off.

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I’ve had guys who found an excuse to say they owe me a dinner. Don’t you think it’s a little off putting to do the reverse like this guy?

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FilterCoffee

You could say something like this:

 

Hey <guy’s name>. I haven’t told many people this but I’m actually seeing someone now and I don’t feel it’s appropriate to have you home for dinner. Would it be ok if we met for coffee instead?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You could say something like this:

 

Hey <guy’s name>. I haven’t told many people this but I’m actually seeing someone now and I don’t feel it’s appropriate to have you home for dinner. Would it be ok if we met for coffee instead?

 

Yep, I agree. You don't have any obligation to tell him who you are dating.

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You could say something like this:

 

Hey <guy’s name>. I haven’t told many people this but I’m actually seeing someone now and I don’t feel it’s appropriate to have you home for dinner. Would it be ok if we met for coffee instead?

 

Yeah, I like that wording! It's exactly what I wanted to convey.

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Well I told him I'm busy these evenings and weekends because of a personal thing that I'll share soon, apologized and tried to reschedule for coffee or lunch.

 

His response: 'too much rescheduling and someone will lose interest'

 

I'm a little disappointed :( I don't feel like responding to this and yes, I was roundabout for a while, but I don't think I came off as rude ...

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Would you mind elaborating on your being “roundabout”?

 

I meant what I wrote in my previous post: where I told him 'personal thing', 'busy evenings/weekends', not giving details.

 

Do you think I messed it up that way? I didn't want to mention dating/relatioship in my messages because he starts asking questions:(

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Well I told him I'm busy these evenings and weekends because of a personal thing that I'll share soon, apologized and tried to reschedule for coffee or lunch.

 

His response: 'too much rescheduling and someone will lose interest'

 

I'm a little disappointed :( I don't feel like responding to this and yes, I was roundabout for a while, but I don't think I came off as rude ...

 

Why don't you tell him you are seeing someone? This man is obviously interested in you. I don't understand your hesitation.

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Well, you don't have to answer his questions. Say no. Tell him you don't like discussing your personal life with coworkers, whatever. Just change the subject or say, "Why are you giving me the Grand Inquisition?" Best thing is to just say "I have a boyfriend so I'm BUSY." He wants to meet him? No.

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todreaminblue
Well I told him I'm busy these evenings and weekends because of a personal thing that I'll share soon, apologized and tried to reschedule for coffee or lunch.

 

His response: 'too much rescheduling and someone will lose interest'

 

I'm a little disappointed :( I don't feel like responding to this and yes, I was roundabout for a while, but I don't think I came off as rude ...

 

you have to be more direct than what you were, you don't need to tell him who but you do need to say you are seeing someone and you don't multidate..say you have been rescheduling because you dont think its right that you lead him on and you want to be honest

 

and that considering his interest in you which he admits in what you have posted above.... you need to tell him you aren't interested in him other than a friend and that wouldn't change even if you weren't seeing someone....offer him friendship....and then it his choice whether to be only a friend or fade off..no roundabout way is going to work ...with any guy ...you need to be clear and direct........deb

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I meant what I wrote in my previous post: where I told him 'personal thing', 'busy evenings/weekends', not giving details.

 

Do you think I messed it up that way? I didn't want to mention dating/relatioship in my messages because he starts asking questions:(

 

I mistook his “too much rescheduling” to mean you have been trying to be “roundabout” before this text.

 

I don’t think you messed up at all. Actually this guy sounds annoying :rolleyes:

Just say “let me know when you’d like to grab coffee” and leave it at that.

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Oh before then I cancelled once and then asked for a new time -

he didn't respond, so I told him on the day of (which was a week after I texted with no response) that I can't do it anymore that day. That's when he responded saying he felt like a 'pest'.

 

Yeah, will do.

 

I mistook his “too much rescheduling” to mean you have been trying to be “roundabout” before this text.

 

I don’t think you messed up at all. Actually this guy sounds annoying :rolleyes:

Just say “let me know when you’d like to grab coffee” and leave it at that.

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