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FWB jealousy is bothersome


Brieanna

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Apologies as I am not up on the lingo, but I think I am talking about a FWB or something close to it.

 

So I am in my 40’s, this guy is similar age, slightly older. We tried dating a while ago but we hit an impass in what he wanted and what I wanted so we parted ways. (I was never looking for a marriage partner, just FWB...he has an STI so I refused to have sex but was open to other intimacy.) I left it open to be friends (without “B”) but he expressed he could not at all cope with the idea of knowing I was intimate with anyone else.

 

After several months passed, he ended up contacting me as a friend as he is going through some major life issues. So here we are now, friends. However, last week things got somewhat intimate. Since then we have met up and have had sleep overs a couple of times. (No intercourse ever, and HE is actually ok with this part, he does get this boundary of mine.)

 

I have been clear all along that I am not looking for a bf. I also have been clear that I will never have sex with him as he has a STI and I am not ok with that even if we use protection...it just is NOT happening, imo, too risky.

 

However, as I was casually discussing with him meeting other men, he got very jealous. Weird as ealier we did together discuss how we together would try to look for dates for one another....he was even searching the meetup lists for us to pick activities to go to to get dates.

 

I guess I am asking for ideas on how to handle this.

I hope I can find a way to be friends and cuddle and such with him... I just wish he wouldn’t cause stress with jealousy.

 

He tried pinning me down to say that he wanted me to know he was going to not see me anymore if I see others. I’m confused as I have been clear that we are not in a committed relationship.

 

Part of me tells myself this dude is out of touch with reality so I am best to steer clear. He obviously cannot handle what he says he can.

Another part of me says well, it is his job to decide what he can handle, so let him suffer the consequences of his choices.

While another part of me says... it is not fair to do FWB with him when he clearly is not able to handle intimacy and being friends.

 

Idk, I feel like this situation is confusing me so I am trying to see if hearing others thoughts can help me get my mind straightened out on this.

 

Thanks!

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Versacehottie
Apologies as I am not up on the lingo, but I think I am talking about a FWB or something close to it.

 

So I am in my 40’s, this guy is similar age, slightly older. We tried dating a while ago but we hit an impass in what he wanted and what I wanted so we parted ways. (I was never looking for a marriage partner, just FWB...he has an STI so I refused to have sex but was open to other intimacy.) I left it open to be friends (without “B”) but he expressed he could not at all cope with the idea of knowing I was intimate with anyone else.

 

After several months passed, he ended up contacting me as a friend as he is going through some major life issues. So here we are now, friends. However, last week things got somewhat intimate. Since then we have met up and have had sleep overs a couple of times. (No intercourse ever, and HE is actually ok with this part, he does get this boundary of mine.)

 

I have been clear all along that I am not looking for a bf. I also have been clear that I will never have sex with him as he has a STI and I am not ok with that even if we use protection...it just is NOT happening, imo, too risky.

 

However, as I was casually discussing with him meeting other men, he got very jealous. Weird as ealier we did together discuss how we together would try to look for dates for one another....he was even searching the meetup lists for us to pick activities to go to to get dates.

 

I guess I am asking for ideas on how to handle this.

I hope I can find a way to be friends and cuddle and such with him... I just wish he wouldn’t cause stress with jealousy.

 

He tried pinning me down to say that he wanted me to know he was going to not see me anymore if I see others. I’m confused as I have been clear that we are not in a committed relationship.

 

Part of me tells myself this dude is out of touch with reality so I am best to steer clear. He obviously cannot handle what he says he can.

Another part of me says well, it is his job to decide what he can handle, so let him suffer the consequences of his choices.

While another part of me says... it is not fair to do FWB with him when he clearly is not able to handle intimacy and being friends.

Idk, I feel like this situation is confusing me so I am trying to see if hearing others thoughts can help me get my mind straightened out on this.

 

Thanks!

 

Well by what I bolded in your post, it sounds like both your answers are leaning toward steering clear. I do think that it is kinda cruel to cuddle and hang out when he still has romantic feelings for you but you're not going to go there. Some people think they can be friends and of course hope they can and then when it comes down to it and only when they are trying and in the situation does it become apparent that one or both of you can't. To me, if it was just true friends on your end you wouldn't be ok with the cuddles because that misleads the other person. Even if you are an affectionate and playful or flirty person, it can't feel that right to be cuddling with someone that you only have friends vibes for.

 

I think in a way you are both misleading each other. You will take the attention like a girlfriend but have no intention of going there with him and he will take the friends title in hopes of changing your mind and because you let him treat you like a girlfriend. IMO. i think you should stop spending time with him so as not to lead him on. No one's fault sometimes you just don't figure that out until you are in the situation but if you want the best for him like a friend AND want to put your own effort where it will pay off the best, that's what you should do iMO. good luck

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Thank you for the reply.

I see what you are saying.

 

Slight clarification...

We are both fresh from a break up and trying to cope. We explicitly communicated to one another that our current companionship is in fact to support one another through this time.

 

I guess I prefer a FWB style friendship with him, minus actual intercourse. (I have been transparent in discussing why we are no good for each other...and that I do not want a bf now anyway)

 

Whereas his heart would desire more.

 

It did not seem to be a problem last week.

 

Yet... seems he is now jealous.

 

Not sure if that helps explain any differently...

But ok...

I just am struggling to think it is my job to protect his heart, therefore I am to cut ties?

I am more leaning to... watching my own side of stuff and if his jealousy gets too bothersome for a friendship, then say so and cut bait.

 

Either is unfortunate as I do appreciate our friendship and support....even without affections.

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You two want different things AGAIN. Sorry but you are right back to where you left off the last time. Cut ties and find someone you can enjoy sex and companionship without ties. I'm sure there is someone for you both out there...just not with each other.

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I agree it’s not going to work. Even if you avoid talking about other men, the fact that he has stated he will be gone when you do, well bye then. Unless you want to drag out the friendship a little longer in the meantime.

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I just am struggling to think it is my job to protect his heart, therefore I am to cut ties?

 

It's your job to act in a manner which doesn't cause harm to anyone else. If you see that you're causing harm (even if it's unintentional harm) then you need to look at your actions.

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You say you've been transparent, but so has he it appears. Here is a question, why would you engaged a guy you clearly have no interest in outside of satisfying your own selfish needs knowing he is in to you? Of course he is jealous, he wants to be in a relationship with you, and then you cuddle with him, I'm assuming there is some oral sex than rub his nose in the fact that you are interested in other men.

 

I guess I don't see a real issue with him, but with you. You keep giving a no hoper hope then act confused by his jealousy.

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last week things got somewhat intimate. Since then we have met up and have had sleep overs a couple of times.
These sleepovers have to stop. You're sending mixed signals by doing that.

 

You already know he wants more out of you than you are willing or prepared to give. Letting him into your bed, to him, may mean that you are changing your mind. It's clear from what you've written that you're not.

 

You can't be friends with someone who wants to be your man.

 

I hope I can find a way to be friends and cuddle and such with him...
Get a dog if you need something to cuddle.

 

This is you being cruel. You want him to get all up close on you, which is what girl/boyfriends do, not platonic friends, giving him the impression that you're open to more when you know you're not.

 

I’m confused as I have been clear that we are not in a committed relationship.
No, you're not being clear. You're sending mixed signals.

 

What you say and how you act are not compatible with one another.

 

Part of me tells myself this dude is out of touch with reality so I am best to steer clear. He obviously cannot handle what he says he can. Another part of me says well, it is his job to decide what he can handle, so let him suffer the consequences of his choices.
That's cruel and calculating.

 

While another part of me says... it is not fair to do FWB with him when he clearly is not able to handle intimacy and being friends.
Ya think?

 

We are both fresh from a break up and trying to cope. We explicitly communicated to one another that our current companionship is in fact to support one another through this time.

 

You can't be that for him. Period.

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Versacehottie
Thank you for the reply.

I see what you are saying.

 

Slight clarification...

We are both fresh from a break up and trying to cope. We explicitly communicated to one another that our current companionship is in fact to support one another through this time.

 

I guess I prefer a FWB style friendship with him, minus actual intercourse. (I have been transparent in discussing why we are no good for each other...and that I do not want a bf now anyway)

 

Whereas his heart would desire more.

 

It did not seem to be a problem last week.

 

Yet... seems he is now jealous.

 

Not sure if that helps explain any differently...

But ok...

I just am struggling to think it is my job to protect his heart, therefore I am to cut ties?

I am more leaning to... watching my own side of stuff and if his jealousy gets too bothersome for a friendship, then say so and cut bait.

 

Either is unfortunate as I do appreciate our friendship and support....even without affections.

 

to the bolded: you should lean on real friends, not relationship substitutes to get over this period of time-ESPECIALLY when one of you has actual feelings for the other that you have no intention of going with the flow of. It's cruel. Not to mention, you can't really be that hard up for attention of this sort that you would put yourself in this situation. That will slow your progress to moving your life in the direction you would like it to go. Good luck. You sound like a nice person---use your good judgement in this case. If you don't have any, rely on the good judgment you are being given here.

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How is this even a debate in your mind? Rid yourself of this guy. He’s possessive and he hasn’t even put the tip in. Imagine if he had. **** that.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, you need to stop the sleepovers and intimacy. You are giving this guy a ton of mixed messages when your actions don't really line up with your words.

 

He cannot be the one you turn to when you want to grieve your previous relationship.

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You are clearly not on the same page as far as this relationship is concerned, which means it needs to end. No more cuddling or intimacy of any kind. I don't know that you can be strictly platonic at this point. He wants more and you continuing to be intimate (whether there's intercourse or not) just keeps him with that dangling carrot. It's painful to him more than it is to you, and you are the one that has to put an end to it. He probably won't because he's hopeful things progress. No more sleepovers and no more flirting, cuddling, kissing or any act that boyfriends and girlfriends do.

 

It started out with an idea, and could have worked if neither of you developed feelings for the other, but he did. It's cruel to keep stringing him along. Find other ways to fill the void of the loss of relationship.

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Yes, the directness that smackie9 and smiley1 express makes complete sense, thank you!

 

It's your job to act in a manner which doesn't cause harm to anyone else. If you see that you're causing harm (even if it's unintentional harm) then you need to look at your actions.

 

So he tells me that he really appreciates our relationship and appreciates that we can comfort each other and enjoys the shared companionship. We have very caring and considerate interactions.

 

I do not see my behavior as doing anything “to him.” However, I do see how him choosing to be friends with me while having stronger feelings could lead him to feel hurt.

I think this is actually where I struggle some in my thinking and why I posted, so am glad it is brought up. I do care for him. I also realize he cares for me and loses sight of things. However, if roles were reversed, I would never want a man breaking up with me or distancing our relationship because he was trying to protect me from myself/my own feelings. I rather someone respect and trust me enough to be in charge of me and make that decision myself. I rather someone express what they are observing, but ultimately allow me to manage my feelings either via distancing, redefining things, or some other way. I simply generally find it to be poor boundaries to do otherwise, (unless I am dealing with an incompetent person/unable to exercise agency of mind; which he is certainly not.)

 

Here is a question, why would you engaged a guy you clearly have no interest in outside of satisfying your own selfish needs knowing he is in to you?

 

We both agreed to the benefits of companionship for the time being.

 

These sleepovers have to stop. You're sending mixed signals by doing that.

 

You already know he wants more out of you than you are willing or prepared to give. Letting him into your bed, to him, may mean that you are changing your mind. It's clear from what you've written that you're not.

I can understand how it may appear to be mixed messages… however, he understands that I do not want a relationship PERIOD. I have articulated this many ways and he apologizes for “forgetting.” He knows my last relationship was the same… I was intentionally with someone who was not available so that we could keep our distance while enjoying companionship. He KNOWS this is what I am about at this point in my life.

However, I realize though that what he logically/intellectually “knows,” does not necessarily align with his heart. I pay attention as I do care for him.

 

 

..........................................................................................

He is going to be super busy this week so we will not have opportunity to hang out at all.

 

I cannot even imagine calling him to tell him I will not see him anymore or be his friend... because he cannot keep his emotions in check?? This part confuses me, as like I said... I would never appreciate a partner deciding FOR ME what I personally can or cannot handle.

 

However, it appears at some point this could get more uncomfy for us both. Likely it will end up like it did last time, (as one poster pointed out) unless he sorts his emotions out? (seems unlikely)

 

Hummm... Maybe an approach is to just tell him to assume that I am seeing and spending time with others as it is going to cause too much friction to our friendship to not assume that. (I wouldn't want him ruminating over that crap while hanging, wondering what I am up to...wouldn't work for either of us) Maybe if I just have him assume that, then we can have more honest dialogue on what he feels he can and can't handle. Seems like it will naturally implode that way...but also could be best way I currently see to handle this.

 

Thanks for all the feedback! :)

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I can understand how it may appear to be mixed messages… however, he understands that I do not want a relationship PERIOD. I have articulated this many ways and he apologizes for “forgetting.” He knows my last relationship was the same… I was intentionally with someone who was not available so that we could keep our distance while enjoying companionship. He KNOWS this is what I am about at this point in my life.

 

He's not forgetting---he's ignoring what you're saying because he wants to be your man and most likely thinks he can wear you down to get his way. I'm not sure how anyone can unhear "I don't want to have sex with you/ew, you have a VD/I don't want to be your girlfriend"...

 

He can't handle what you can handle and caring for him means not letting him so far into your intimacy as you have. He really shouldn't be in your bedroom at all or in any position where a reasonable person would assume that sexual intercourse is in the offing. Skipping along the precipice of sex with him is causing more harm than help on his part. He's not capable of what little you want from him.

 

I'd find a gay friend who doesn't mind cuddling if you need someone to cuddle you... or get a dog.

 

However, I realize though that what he logically/intellectually “knows,” does not necessarily align with his heart. I pay attention as I do care for him.

 

Recognizing the problem is the first step towards correcting it. Acting accordingly is the second step.

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Some people don't know what's best for them, and need a reality check. He's caught up in it emotionally, and it's becoming a problem from the way he acts. This is how he is going to behave towards YOU. Him getting hurt is on him yes, and that isn't your problem. His jealous, as time goes on, is going to become your problem. This is why we are saying to back off so you don't have to get to that point.

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Versacehottie
He's not forgetting---he's ignoring what you're saying because he wants to be your man and most likely thinks he can wear you down to get his way. I'm not sure how anyone can unhear "I don't want to have sex with you/ew, you have a VD/I don't want to be your girlfriend"...

 

He can't handle what you can handle and caring for him means not letting him so far into your intimacy as you have. He really shouldn't be in your bedroom at all or in any position where a reasonable person would assume that sexual intercourse is in the offing. Skipping along the precipice of sex with him is causing more harm than help on his part. He's not capable of what little you want from him.

 

I'd find a gay friend who doesn't mind cuddling if you need someone to cuddle you... or get a dog.

 

 

 

Recognizing the problem is the first step towards correcting it. Acting accordingly is the second step.

 

And I would say you are sending him mixed messages.

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I really do appreciate all the feedback guys, thanks!

 

So last night he was saying things that sounded more like Bf talk so I called him on it. He got a bit on the offense. I told him he wasn’t being kind. Also told him to please assume I am dating others. He says, “so you understand this means we cannot do stuff, right?”

 

I’m cool with that. He seemed to struggle some so we did chat a bit about how we felt.

 

Ok, so I am hoping we can be friends....with NO kind of benefits.

Hopefully he can handle that much.

I guess we will see.

 

I really am not sure if people can go from intimacy to friends....if they had ideas of a long term relationship with the person.

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I'd find a gay friend who doesn't mind cuddling if you need someone to cuddle you... or get a dog.

I wanted a FWB. ...however, I learned he has STI

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Versacehottie
I really do appreciate all the feedback guys, thanks!

 

So last night he was saying things that sounded more like Bf talk so I called him on it. He got a bit on the offense. I told him he wasn’t being kind. Also told him to please assume I am dating others. He says, “so you understand this means we cannot do stuff, right?”

 

I’m cool with that. He seemed to struggle some so we did chat a bit about how we felt.

 

Ok, so I am hoping we can be friends....with NO kind of benefits.

Hopefully he can handle that much.

I guess we will see.

 

I really am not sure if people can go from intimacy to friends....if they had ideas of a long term relationship with the person.

 

well good that is the first step that you told him you were dating others & see he thinks normal like most of us; he knew immediately that means you can't cuddle and stuff. Now if you really care about him give him space (even if he doesn't want it) so that he can move on from you and wanting to be with you. I know it will require a sacrifice of your own to do that but that really is the best way to be friends later. Right now is too soon. I would say to do it just for good relationship karma of your own.

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