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Do I need to have a talk with my FWB? Or am I not understanding how this arrangement


LenaBean94

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So this my first FWB ever. I'm still fairly young and have had only a handful of sexual experiences outside of my ex so I'm not exactly sure how to go about this- I think I have a pretty good idea, but I could be wrong.

 

Let me preface this by saying we hadn't exactly said it was FWB but with how we were talking I just assumed it was (we talk about sex a lot) plus I'm not looking for a relationship. I told him beforehand that one of us would leave right after (so that there wouldn't be any confusion). He said, "woah why? you wouldn't even stay behind to cuddle?". Then he mentioned that I was welcomed to stay the morning after so that we could chill and have breakfast because according to him, "I wouldn't kick you out".

 

He asked me to dinner two days ago and told me he was excited. I just sent a thumbs up and he said what the hell? I guess he was bothered that I didn't reciprocate his excitement? I just figured he was excited because he knew we were probably going to have sex lol. We went back to his place, had sex, and then I left while he was sleeping. He sent me a text asking me if I had left and I said yes. My FWB said it was weird how I just left without saying anything and then proceeded to ask if I was pissed off. Then he brought up me leaving a handful more times saying he rolled over to say hi and I was just gone. Last night he mentioned it again saying, "it was pretty hardcore of you to have left like that but still" and then said something about who wouldn't want sex and being taken out for a meal. I told him I wasn't using him for a meal and I apologized if he thought that I was. He told me he was just giving me a hard time and laughed about it. He told me it's refreshing how I'm going about this because he doesn't like complicated and liked that I didn't stick around after sex. This kind of threw me off so I asked if he liked how was handling FWB then why was it weird that I left and worry about if I was pissed off at him or not? He said he was just shocked that I left the way I did. I said uh huh, even though I told you I was going to beforehand....? I guess it's just me but I would be happy that the person just left right after sex haha and I wouldn't question it at all. I definitely wouldn't give a crap if you left without saying anything or if you were pissed, I mean who cares if it's just sex? lol.

 

I can't decide if he really is cool with this arrangement or if he's downplaying things because I threw him off by doing the sneak out. If it's the latter I would want to be more explicit about what I want and how I except for us to go about our arrangement. We talk pretty much every day so I figured I would tell him no more talking in between meetups and not to get attached. On the other hand, I don't want to put my foot in my mouth and tell him these things if he cool with her our FWB is set up.

He wanted to see me tonight and I said I couldn't because I may be busy. He replied with

 

'very vague...hmm ok. have fun!".

 

I hadn't responded yet and he sent another message saying 'thanks I will' (responding for me).

 

Was I supposed to actually say that I have a date since he had a problem with me being vague?

 

So is he downplaying things or is this how FWB arrangements usually go? I obviously know nothing about how this arrangement goes.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

The great thing about FWB's is that you get to set the rules.

 

Generally speaking, FWB's are simply that: friends that you may occasionally, or frequently, have sex with.

 

However, one of the main reasons why people like to enter into a FWB agreement is for the lack of commitment. You can see other people as you please and not feel guilty or have to answer to someone if you meet someone else. While you should let your FWB's know if you are seeing someone (because of sexual health, wouldn't want to pass on STD's and such), that's a rule that you should discuss with your FWB.

 

To be honest, your FWB sounds like a guy who actually likes you and is getting kind of jealous that you're dating others. This is a recipe for disaster because he's obviously got feelings involved and sooner or later, you'll have to deal with those feelings whether you want to or not.

 

Some guys make great FWB's, some guys don't. Some girls make great FWB's, some don't. Finding a good FWB that doesn't eventually turn into a "FWB breakup" or a relationship is actually quite hard.

 

It's also hard to start a new relationship and if you tell the person in the relationship the truth about your "friendship", the new person will most likely be very uncomfortable that you still hang out together.

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RecentChange

Aye - No, this is not how I would go about setting up an FWB.

 

Like with ALL relationships - successful ones are built on good communication and matched exceptions.

 

How did you two decide to be FWB instead of conventional dating? What parameters were set? You two had a TALK about this right?

 

I have had a few FWB, I will tell you about a great one:

 

We TALKED, we talked about how we enjoyed time together, and yes sex, and agreed that we didn't really want be in a conventional relationship. We agreed on our goals and expectations.

 

For us, staying the night was fine, that is what we usually did. And shared breakfast? Sure, after all we really were friends on a certain level.

 

We treated each other with respect and compassion. We kept an open line of communication.

 

I never told him I was "busy" - I told him I had a date! He would tell me about his as well. We would cheer each other on. Because there was no jealousy, we were friends... with benefits.

 

We didn't talk about being excited for dinner... because we knew that isn't what it was about. Because again, we communicated. It sounds like this guy doesn't quite understand what your expectations are.

 

I would never sneak out of the bed and just leave him - Again, respect and compassion for my friend. If I needed to leave, he would understand, but I would never just sneak off, thats pretty rude - Or at least I think its rude, and it sounds like this guy does as well.

 

So... communicate. And FWB are usually that way because there is something preventing them from being something more - what is the story here? Why FWB? Kinda sounds like he wants to date you.

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Versacehottie

sounds like he definitely caught feelings for you. And/or is not used to having the tables turned, i.e. most girls that agree to FWB (not you Recent!) are actually just trying to get their foot in the door and hope it leads to something more. You are different and it's told in your actions by leaving and being kind of blunt. That's what's happening. You could talk to him but if he already has feelings for you then you probably shouldn't continue to see him--unless you feel the same! Good luck

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You need to have a talk with your FWB *because* you're not understanding how this arrangement works. Your and his expectations are really quite different and need to be discussed.

 

Also, why would you assume anyone wants their FWB to creep out in the middle of the night? I mean, that's the kind of thing one does when they realise they made an epic drunken mistake - it's not how to treat someone we actually like.

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It's like you've got the typical "male" energy in this and he's got the "female" energy.

 

He sounds like, although he claims he's down for the FWB arrangement, he's more relationship minded, wanting to connect after sex through cuddling and hanging out in the morning and is playing along with you.

 

I think you need to get really, really (brutally?) clear with him what the parameters of your involvement with him are. He's either not understanding or is not believing you.

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Versacehottie
It's like you've got the typical "male" energy in this and he's got the "female" energy.

 

He sounds like, although he claims he's down for the FWB arrangement, he's more relationship minded, wanting to connect after sex through cuddling and hanging out in the morning and is playing along with you.

 

I think you need to get really, really (brutally?) clear with him what the parameters of your involvement with him are. He's either not understanding or is not believing you.

 

Yeah, i do think he's not believing you. Maybe because he's caught feelings, he can't understand that you were not open to that really. Or because girls typically would have more the female energy and catch feelings, he is not understanding that you haven't. It's like he can't believe it. It's in the tone of his texts to you. Kinda shocked and sarcastic. I think it's past the point where you could come to a new agreement--well the same one you thought you agreed to--that he could do, regardless of what he says.

 

I'm not a person that does FWB but leaving and not spending the night and giving a "i'm busy" seem within the realm of the arrangement completely. It's definitely what a lot of guys would do and seems to sum up the arrangement really. Maybe he's expecting more of the friends part??

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thefooloftheyear

Forget about rules or anything else....It's just a violation of common decency and manners on your part......The guy doesn't seem at all clingy, I don't think anyone else that's normal would react any differently than he did...

 

The only thing anyone would think in that case was that there was some kind of problem...So did he so he asked....

 

And I disagree it's what a lot of guys would do...I'd bet anything that if it was a guy relaying this story, most of the same posters would be hammering the hell out of the guy...

 

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Forget about rules or anything else....It's just a violation of common decency and manners on your part......The guy doesn't seem at all clingy, I don't think anyone else that's normal would react any differently than he did...

 

The only thing anyone would think in that case was that there was some kind of problem...So did he so he asked....

 

And I disagree it's what a lot of guys would do...I'd bet anything that if it was a guy relaying this story, most of the same posters would be hammering the hell out of the guy...

 

 

TFY

 

Exactly. If a guy FWB crept out of my room in the night without even a goodbye, he would find himself no longer a friend...let alone a FWB

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Exactly. If a guy FWB crept out of my room in the night without even a goodbye, he would find himself no longer a friend...let alone a FWB

 

It all depends on the fwb. I’ve had women do it to me and vice versa and no one was upset. Who cares if you leave while I’m sleeping? More importantly OP expressed beforehand how she was going to operate. Those where her perimeters for the relationship. You can’t condem her for communicating to him what she did and didn’t want to happen and actually following through it.

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Forget about rules or anything else....It's just a violation of common decency and manners on your part......The guy doesn't seem at all clingy, I don't think anyone else that's normal would react any differently than he did...

 

The only thing anyone would think in that case was that there was some kind of problem...So did he so he asked....

 

And I disagree it's what a lot of guys would do...I'd bet anything that if it was a guy relaying this story, most of the same posters would be hammering the hell out of the guy...

 

 

TFY

 

How is that rude? I told him weeks before that this how I am and that I don’t like to linger after sex. Expressing my level of comfort with something shouldn’t be deemed rude especially when he was given a heads up. I left at 6 in the morning, he was still asleep, and I did exactly what I forewarned him about. He never once said that it was a problem for him, only that he wouldn’t kick me out and I could cuddle with breakfast the next day if I wanted. I didn’t want to do that.

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How is that rude? I told him weeks before that this how I am and that I don’t like to linger after sex. Expressing my level of comfort with something shouldn’t be deemed rude especially when he was given a heads up. I left at 6 in the morning, he was still asleep, and I did exactly what I forewarned him about. He never once said that it was a problem for him, only that he wouldn’t kick me out and I could cuddle with breakfast the next day if I wanted. I didn’t want to do that.

 

My apologies. I missed that you communicated that this is how you are.

 

Perhaps I'd just need a different type of person for the activity.

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Sheesh. This isn’t a “FWB arrangement” it’s a confusing mess. Did you tell him that you don’t want a relationship? Just talk to him and clarify what you both want. Why assume anything?

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thefooloftheyear
How is that rude? I told him weeks before that this how I am and that I don’t like to linger after sex. Expressing my level of comfort with something shouldn’t be deemed rude especially when he was given a heads up. I left at 6 in the morning, he was still asleep, and I did exactly what I forewarned him about. He never once said that it was a problem for him, only that he wouldn’t kick me out and I could cuddle with breakfast the next day if I wanted. I didn’t want to do that.

 

 

I dunno....I guess I was just raised differently....

 

It just seems bizarre that people can talk, have dinner, then swap body fluids and not at least have the decency to leave a nice note or something,...Just leaving without saying anything (to me) would indicate that there was something wrong...If you invited someone over for dinner and they just left while you were in the bathroom would that be ok?

 

I still say its bad basic manners, but if you think its good, then more power to you,,,,;)....Just be aware that practically any guy would do the same thing this guy did..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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You and he did not discuss what this arrangement was. To you, it's a FWB, but to him, it seems he wants and expects more. You stated you just assumed this is what it was because of your candid conversations about sexual matters. I'm thinking this guy did NOT come up with the same conclusion. If you were to go out on a date with some other guy you met, and told him as much, because that's what FWB do, I imagine it could very well crush him.

 

I think it's important that you define what it is you two are doing, and if he wants more, you need to stop. You can't continue this with someone who is infatuated with you and wants more when you don't feel the same. It's cruel. You also need to understand that you could lose this friend over this situation. This is reality. He might completely pull away and drop off because he wants more and you don't. If he's still hovering and orbiting, YOU have to define the boundaries, and that means you don't flirt, cuddle, and talk about sex anymore. You talk with him the way you talk to your platonic female friends, but with him, you'll have to be careful about topics that have a suggestion you're interested in more. You crossed a line, and you may not be able to go backwards and reestablish this friendship. This is why people are reluctant to move a friendship to the next level...it is a high risk.

 

Good luck, OP. I've never done the FWB thing, really, so take my words with a grain of salt, but it is my understanding that going out sometimes and having breakfast are normal parts of it, because it also "friends" and "with benefits," not just a fly-by when someone is in the mood. Sometimes it is a fly-by, sometimes it's not. The big, major function is enjoying some mattress dancing where there is otherwise no romantic attachment, and both of you are free to date and meet other people, and the sex may come to a halt when one of you meets someone that they wish to pursue seriously. From there, you're opening the can o' worms with your girlfriend/boyfriend being BFFs with someone they have had a sexual relationship with...that won't go over well with a lot of people, and that's another hurdle you'll have to deal with and possibly lose "Mr. Right" over.

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Sheesh. This isn’t a “FWB arrangement” it’s a confusing mess. Did you tell him that you don’t want a relationship? Just talk to him and clarify what you both want. Why assume anything?

 

This is what I'm not understanding about people. Why don't they talk about what they want and expect? All of this can be cleared up by simply having a conversation to set things straight. I think OP also wants more from her FWB thus this thread; otherwise she would just tell him what she expects as his FWB.

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I never had sleepovers with one FWB. That was our agreement. She still ended up catching feelings after a few months. I had occasional sleepovers with another but we never caught feelings. Every "relationship" is different.

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Everyone has certain expectations and this should have been discussed at the beginning.

 

IMO you don't want FWB you just want booty calls, where it's just sex when it's convenient. FWB usually means you spend some time "hanging out" together casually, can date others, but be exclusive sex partners. From what you have posted, IMO he's catching feelings because he is asking you out on formal dates, not Netflix and chill, or lets play video games. Time to have a conversation with him to set things straight.

 

 

I did both booty calls and FWB. I have to say booty calls were easier with pretty much no commitment to anything.

Edited by smackie9
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You and he did not discuss what this arrangement was..

 

Why don't they talk about what they want and expect? All of this can be cleared up by simply having a conversation to set things straight.

 

From her first post:

I told him beforehand that one of us would leave right after (so that there wouldn't be any confusion).
They did discuss it. He didn't believe her. That's on him, not her.
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They did discuss it. He didn't believe her. That's on him, not her.

They didn't discuss other things tho, like boundaries, dating others, how time together would be spent, etc. No rules were actually set.

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From experience a FWB relationship always ends up with one person wanting more.

 

In your case its pretty clear he wants more.

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They didn't discuss other things tho, like boundaries, dating others, how time together would be spent, etc.

 

True.

 

She did tell him someone was going to roll out before morning. Since he was the only other person she was having the conversation with and it wasn't him saying this, then through the process of elimination, it was her telling him what was up on her end.

 

Again, he didn't believe her, so that's on him.

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Frankly it sounds to me that your FWB wants more, and agreed to your terms so as to not rock the boat. As in he wants you to be boyfriend/girlfriend but you don't want that, so he is settling for FWB w you because as he sees things it is better than nothing.

 

The leaving in the middle of the night, whether previously discussed and agreed upon or not, does sound a bit bizarre and cold on your part tho. :confused:

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thefooloftheyear
True.

 

She did tell him someone was going to roll out before morning. Since he was the only other person she was having the conversation with and it wasn't him saying this, then through the process of elimination, it was her telling him what was up on her end.

 

Again, he didn't believe her, so that's on him.

 

Saying she would "roll out" before, wouldn't be really be equivalentl to doing a Ninja type of disappearing act...It would mean a quick goodbye, thanks., little note, whatever...That's how most human beings operate and would be considered the absolute bare minimum...

 

.02

 

 

TFY

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