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Boyfriend seems to have trouble communicating


Starseed420

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Starseed420

We have been dating for 3 months and became boyfriend/girlfriend about one month and a half ago. He’s a really caring person and one of the sweetest guys I’ve met. He had a lot of time off work recently, so we spent a lot of time together in the very early stages. I know this can cause huge problems, but we didn’t want to be without each other and wanted to see each other every change we got. It got to the point where I would be staying over at his house every night and we would drive into work together in the morning.

 

Tonight we had a huge fight over something so small (I accidentally dropped and broke something). The problem is whenever we argue, he shuts down emotionally completely. He won’t say one word, and I just want to talk about the problem right away. I’ve given him time to be quiet and I’ve left the room in arguments previous to this one, and he just never ever wants to communicate. His lack of communication and acknowledging me is what hurts me and makes me upset. He won’t even want to talk about this after he’s given me the cold shoulder for hours.

 

I feel like the fight we had tonight might cause him to end things with me. I got frustrated and yelled and he told me he can deal with me and that I used up his patience and took me home. I’m not sure but I also think that us spending so much time together is what caused us the burn out so fast. A couple moths ago, he wouldn’t be quiet about how awesome I am, now he is just picking me apart it seems for little things I do wrong.

 

Should I just give him time and space? Is there any salvaging this?

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See, he can communicate fine when he wants to. He won't communicate. He sulls up instead. So now you know you can't spend much time together without hitting the wall where he doesn't want to deal with it anymore. So you know the relationship will be limited to something temporary and informal. He wants convenient and easy and doesn't want to deal with real stuff. Sorry.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Stonewalling is never ever a healthy communication tactic in a relationship. It is very unloving and super controlling. Unless HE wants to change this and be a better communicator, you will always have relationship problems if you stay in this :(.

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Unless you were using the fragile item as a football, I can't see how an accidental breakage could cause a fight. This is not normal.

 

How did a breakdage escalate to fighting?

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Starseed420

He was guiding me with what to do, I didn’t know how to handle this item I dropped and it broke. He immediately put his hand on his head in frustration for a minute and I apologized and said I’d replace it and tried to give him a hug and he told me to get away. Then we went about cooking dinner and he was acting really upset but told me everything was fine, until I callled him on it saying that clearly there is something wrong and he walked away to the othe room and wouldn’t talk to me. I’ll admit, after 15 minutes of silence I was upset and wanted to know what was so wrong so I started pestering him about what’s going on with him.

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You need to stay away from him and not contact him. You need to wait till he contacts you and asks you to come see him. When that happens you need to say that he needs to put in the effort to be the one to come see you instead.

 

He is passive-aggressive

He is very insecure

He is manipulative

He might possibly be a Narcissist, and I mean officially, not figuratively

 

The sexual polarity is totally flipped here. You're acting like the man and he's acting like the woman. But maybe if you aren't acting like the man then you are at least acting like the new "mommy" of a crybaby. In which case you are being an "Enabler".

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You're acting like the man and he's acting like the woman.

 

How so? This is a huge generalization.

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He is passive-aggressive

He is very insecure

He is manipulative

He might possibly be a Narcissist, and I mean officially, not figuratively

 

The sexual polarity is totally flipped here. You're acting like the man and he's acting like the woman.

 

You say he's all these terrible things and you describe him as acting "like the woman". I've read some gender hating stuff over the years (going both ways), and I've got to say this is right up there in hideousness.

 

And throwing out an uninformed diagnosis based on nothing more than a single event very much undermines society's understanding of real mental illness.

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He was guiding me with what to do, I didn’t know how to handle this item I dropped and it broke. He immediately put his hand on his head in frustration for a minute and I apologized and said I’d replace it and tried to give him a hug and he told me to get away. Then we went about cooking dinner and he was acting really upset but told me everything was fine, until I callled him on it saying that clearly there is something wrong and he walked away to the othe room and wouldn’t talk to me. I’ll admit, after 15 minutes of silence I was upset and wanted to know what was so wrong so I started pestering him about what’s going on with him.

 

For what it's worth, I'd be thinking twice about spending further time with someone who got angry about an accidental breakage. Things get broken, it's part of life and we need to deal with it. Imagine his reaction if you crashed his car!

 

That said, rather than lose your temper at him, it would have been far wiser to state that his behaviour is not acceptable and you are going home. After you leave, allow him time and space to reach out and apologise. Only accept the apology if his behaviour is back in check. If he doesn't apologise, then he's no great loss.

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How old is he? I second what some other poster said, he’s overreacting to something pretty small?

 

And you say you fight often? How often? What are you fighting over? It’s too much too soon isn’t it? This should be the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

 

I will tell you communication is a skill to develop BUT that’s assuming he’s willing to even try to communicate. Stonewalling is extremely painful and you get NO WHERE. Trust me. You’ll be trying with every ounce of your soul and he will not react whatsoever. You’ll lose heart and end up heartbroken.

 

It depends on how much you like him, but looking back on my past I’d say it’s not worth it. Walk away. My friend once described my ex who sounds just like your bf saying: “too much drama, too little reward.”

 

It’s the truest thing a friend ever said to me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
You say he's all these terrible things and you describe him as acting "like the woman". I've read some gender hating stuff over the years (going both ways), and I've got to say this is right up there in hideousness.

 

And throwing out an uninformed diagnosis based on nothing more than a single event very much undermines society's understanding of real mental illness.

 

Seems to be a theme with this poster.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He was guiding me with what to do, I didn’t know how to handle this item I dropped and it broke. He immediately put his hand on his head in frustration for a minute and I apologized and said I’d replace it and tried to give him a hug and he told me to get away.

 

What was the item?

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Starseed420

We were making dinner while this happened, the item was the basket to an air fryer. So silly, I even offered to replace it right away.

 

 

I think that him and I spent way too much time together too soon. It’s been three months and it feels like we’ve been together for a year. I think we didn’t see each other maybe 4 days out of those 3 months. It’s defintiely too much too soon, but I want to undo it.

Edited by Starseed420
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No, this is how he is, and how he deals with issues. You two are not compatible. This will not improve. All you will be doing is walk on eggshells as to not upset him...not a healthy relationship.

 

You say spending too much time is the issue.....it's a symptom to a bigger problem. Just think what it's going to be like when you decide to live together.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
We were making dinner while this happened, the item was the basket to an air fryer. So silly, I even offered to replace it right away.

 

 

I think that him and I spent way too much time together too soon. It’s been three months and it feels like we’ve been together for a year. I think we didn’t see each other maybe 4 days out of those 3 months. It’s defintiely too much too soon, but I want to undo it.

 

Oh boy. This has nothing to do with how much time you spent together. If you were married, you'd be spending that much time together, and you'd also be regularly making little mistakes like accidentally breaking kitchen gadgets. It happens. And if he's going to behave that way every time you do not perform perfectly, you're going to be in for a hard life.

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You have more than 1 problem to address here.

 

If you feel you've been spending too much time together and it's creating some impatience then yes it's the source of your problem. How you solve it? go back to sleeping at your place more often.

 

The man has a short fuse. Telling you to get away because you broke a fryer's basket? really! I thought you had broken his father's urn and spread his ashes all over the kitchen floor or something. Does he always have such a short temper?

 

I agree having several disputes already at only 3 months is a red flag, what were the cause of those past discords? Again him having a short temper?

 

There is a way to approach a man that has a hard time to communicate, I know my BF fears communications and I've seen him raise up a wall when it was something too deep for him to deal with. The very last thing you need to do is yell, nag, say passive aggressive comments, etc. You need to remain extra-calm, to say few selected words that will confirm you are not looking for a confrontation and to let him decompress on his own.

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Oh boy. This has nothing to do with how much time you spent together. If you were married, you'd be spending that much time together, and you'd also be regularly making little mistakes like accidentally breaking kitchen gadgets. It happens. And if he's going to behave that way every time you do not perform perfectly, you're going to be in for a hard life.

 

I do believe at the very beginning to spend too much time together all of a sudden and not letting the relationship grow progressively, will make people suffocate and have less patience. They only had been dating 1,5 month when they started spending their every day and night together. When people marry they've dated at least 1 year or more.

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How so? This is a huge generalization.

 

It isn't. Just take a step back, count to 10, and look at the roles each one is playing.

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How so? This is a huge generalization.

 

Seems to be a theme with this poster.

 

It is a theme with the problems people bring to us in these forums over and over again. I just point out what is there.

 

I'm not a young man. I've seen a lot, been through a lot, experienced a lot, studied a lot,...in order to claw my way out of some of the same dark holes that I tell people they are in now.

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You say he's all these terrible things and you describe him as acting "like the woman". I've read some gender hating stuff over the years (going both ways), and I've got to say this is right up there in hideousness.

 

And throwing out an uninformed diagnosis based on nothing more than a single event very much undermines society's understanding of real mental illness.

 

Everything that everyone in here says is uniformed diagnosis. It is a web forum, not a clinic.

 

It is society's understanding of mental illness that form the basis for what I said. The first three items I listed he is clearly exhibiting, it can't be denied

 

  • He is passive-aggressive
  • He is very insecure
  • He is manipulative

The 4th one on Narcissism I clearly stated as "possibly", because I can't know that for certain.

 

 

For the role reversals you are asking to understand don't over complicate it. There is nothing about his behavior he has shown since the item was broken that can be described as Masculine. Then look at the kind of role she has found herself in in order to try to respond to him and help, she is taking a lead Masculine role in this and it is not pleasant or healthy for her. She does show a feminine "nurturing" aspect of it as well but everything is out of balance for her, this is a toxic situation.

 

 

So don't shoot the messenger.

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Space Ritual

OP, you really are putting way too much thought into this. My guess is that he was probably going to be over the breakage after a few hours. Maybe it was something important to him...I mean accidents do happen.

 

 

Probably you would have been better off without coming back for reprise of the badgering for communication at that point in time.

 

Us guys have really fragile egos (we don't admit it but we really do) but in this case, feeling the need to have the last word pretty much backfired.

 

If the roles were reversed and you were really upset at something he broke and needed an evening of licking the wound without a monologue. Would it not piss you off if he came in after 15 minutes and basically demanded that you talk about it?

 

Problem with asking these types of questions on these forums is that many time OP's tend to cherry pick responses and then instead of weighing risk

versus reward, go full frontal into a confrontation.

 

Rarely is the end result going to come out the way you envision.

 

I would just drop it for the time being. If he is so upset that he dumps you over it, then there was probably nothing you could have done.

 

 

Be more cognizant of choosing the your battles. The same goes for him, but he didn't write in...you did.

 

I think you'll be fine in the end...I mean it's not like you took his 3 foot Graffix Bong and smashed it......Although I could see smashing a bong as a Capital Offense.

 

 

Breathe, relax, and learn to chose battles where you have a better shot at coming out on top,

 

Good Luck

Edited by Space Ritual
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Im realizing that my new-ish boyfriend also shuts down rather than dealing with stuff when he's mad or hurt. And he also denies that he's doing it ("I didn't stop texting you because I was mad, I fell asleep between when I sent my text at 8:46 and 8:47 when you responded."). And he thinks its okay, "that's just how I deal with things. I don't want to start fighting and say things that can't be unheard."

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom. But I have no idea how to deal with it, especially since according to him (and sounds like your boyfriend, too) there's no reason to change.

 

But I do think it's unworkable. Issues don't get dealt with at all and just pushed aside, probably collecting somewhere waiting to reach a critical mass. And then I fear each time he does it to me Im gonna feel a little more detatched.

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If the roles were reversed and you were really upset at something he broke and needed an evening of licking the wound without a monologue. Would it not piss you off if he came in after 15 minutes and basically demanded that you talk about it?

 

I think the point a number of us have been making is that it's unreasonable to get really upset if something gets accidentally broken. Things getting broken is part of life and it's harmful to take out our brief disappointment on our partners. Sure, I remember being disappointed when a can fell on my slow cooker and smashed the lid, but as they say, "no point crying over spilled milk".

 

If he needs a whole evening to process a broken fryer basket, how's he going to react if she accidentally smashes his car? This is the red flag for me.

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