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How do people assess if there is enough connection from OLD to keep seeing someone?


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

Just curious how people tend to go about this.

 

For example, I think it's super rare to meet someone and from date 1 go "Wow I want to rip this person's clothes off while also wanting to talk to them forever" thing. Or maybe it's just rare for me?

 

Do people just go "Easy conversation and they are OK looking therefore = another date".

 

Just feels so soulless to me. I am taking a possibly forever break right now.

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If you cant gauge how things are then theres the option for another date. A 2nd date. That's what dating is for.

 

 

Some people click straight away and some others take a little longer. Everyone deserves a chance.

 

 

Can you explain how do you mean its soulless and why do you want to take a break?

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I don't think you can get around it. An OLD date is initially is not a date but a first meeting. And quite frankly, I often didn't fall for somebody until I knew her a little better IRL, too. Instant infatuation has struck me maybe once or twice, but I have been in love more often. I might have thought of a girl as plain looking at the beginning of the month, but she might have been the only one I wanted at the end of it. You have to test the waters, and I don't think you can easily avoid this awkward stage, and neither are there any guarantees.

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For example, I think it's super rare to meet someone and from date 1 go "Wow I want to rip this person's clothes off while also wanting to talk to them forever" thing. Or maybe it's just rare for me?.
I would say a good target would be one of these - not both. But the other being possible soon - like conversation was alright, a little stiff, but they're hot -- or, conversation was captivating and hard to break off, but they're kind of cute, not killer hot. In my case the connection is what sets people apart, so convo great/looks cute is the wonderful combination to find!

 

Do people just go "Easy conversation and they are OK looking therefore = another date".
Easy - sure, I'd do another date, but if it's not a more personally connecting conversation on date two, I'd probably stop.

 

----------

Not online, but I just met a fantastic woman whom I'm dating recently. I'm really excited to be developing a relationship with her, and we'll see how far it goes. So - we were both working a trade show, and she called me over, and we talked for 45 minutes. I thought she was just saying hi, and as soon as we started talking we really had a lot to talk about, and a good connection.

 

She was cute - not really noteable. Which is perfect for me actually.

 

Well, turns out this was a temp gig for her, and so she dressed in the company uniform, wore her glasses (which I happen to like, but which make her more average looking); found out a couple weeks in that in real life she's a runway model, and modeling teacher (!).

 

Which, actually, is exciting and delightful, but absolutely not someone I would have picked had I seen her all dolled up, as I don't care for that fru-fru. But - that's her public job. In her private life, she's closer to who I met.

 

I say all that to say - I'm greatly attracted to her, but not because of her looks - mainly because of her intelligence and character. So, I would absolutely not say the first time we met (even though it was a great first meeting) that I thought or felt "I want to rip her clothes off, she's so smoking hot".

 

But after knowing her a while, I found out that on top of being accomplished, smart, and a fascinating person - she is smoking hot. Never would have guessed it at first, and am glad that wasn't my criteria for being interested vs. walking away.

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I handle it like a job interview.

 

He presented well, articulate, interesting, well put together, I laughed = worthy of a second date.

 

I did not expect to be hit by lightning and heaven to open above me on a first meeting.

 

It did happen in my years of online dating to meet a man and feel like Cupid hit me but I now know it's only sexual and, in my case, it never lead to a meaningful long term relationship.

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Just curious how people tend to go about this.

 

For example, I think it's super rare to meet someone and from date 1 go "Wow I want to rip this person's clothes off while also wanting to talk to them forever" thing. Or maybe it's just rare for me?

 

Do people just go "Easy conversation and they are OK looking therefore = another date".

 

Just feels so soulless to me. I am taking a possibly forever break right now.

 

Generally speaking, conversation ease and how they conduct themselves during the first meet will determine if I'm going to see them a second time.

 

Case 1: Met a guy for coffee on first meeting. Halfway through, he's scooting his chair next to mine and trying to touch me and is really trying way too hard. There will be no second date and I had to unzip the lizard on him about leaving me alone.

 

Case 2: Meet guy, he takes me for some Japanese food and proceeds to racially insult the waitress, tells me he will sock me in my jaw (because I'd just had some fillings replaced and my jaw was hurting) and then later on, tells me he should knock me out because I showed him a shoe made out of suede, but it was styled for a much younger man. Cut the date off then. He was blocked before I left the parking garage.

 

Case 3: Met a guy, we had a long conversation at the park and then went to get a bite to eat. Conversation was easy and we ended up seeing each other a few times... it didn't work out because he lived about 3 hours away from me and the drive was just too much (no trains run his way).

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It's not easy, but for me quite often it just comes down to the feeling I get with someone, or how comfortable I feel with them from the beginning. It's often hard to explain, at least for me.

 

I've had two recent "setups" (so, blind dates) with friends of friends. One was with a woman who - on paper - seemed perfect for me. Similar personalities, lifestyles, careers, very attractive physically (I'm tall and usually go for taller women) ... she checked all the "boxes" one might look for on paper.

 

I spent three hours with her and felt no interest whatsoever afterwards. No second date.

 

The second was with a woman who I knew very little about. I turned out our careers were nothing alike, she wasn't really my type physically ... but we got along from the moment we sat down. We talked for three hours and when it was time to go, we both agreed we wanted to see each other again. I am really looking forward to getting to know her.

 

But for me, it was all intangible. Why did I get along with the second woman and not the first? I'm not sure I could even answer that question. But it happened.

 

I think it's just trial and error. And if you're lucky you don't have to strike out too many times before you find one that clicks.

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For me it's all about conversation and confirmation. I don't go out with someone that I don't have good texting or phone calls with. And then when I'm there, it has to be easy conversation. No trying to come up with topics. But for me, someone who likes to talk and listen, easy conversations are...easy.

 

So I need a confirmation. That is almost always in the form of a kiss. If she doesn't want to kiss, it probably wasn't a good date for either of us. If she does kiss and it's bad, that is also a sign. But if the kiss confirms physically what is already going on internally with us, then, yes, a second date will happen.

 

Side note: assess has four "s"s in it. If there are three in the word, that is a VERY different thing (or technically, things)! ;)

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I just want to point out that asses are great. On men - and women.

 

LOL. I was wondering whether to point that part out. I like the way you did it. :p

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For me it's all about conversation and confirmation. I don't go out with someone that I don't have good texting or phone calls with. And then when I'm there, it has to be easy conversation. No trying to come up with topics. But for me, someone who likes to talk and listen, easy conversations are...easy.

 

So I need a confirmation. That is almost always in the form of a kiss. If she doesn't want to kiss, it probably wasn't a good date for either of us. If she does kiss and it's bad, that is also a sign. But if the kiss confirms physically what is already going on internally with us, then, yes, a second date will happen.

 

Side note: assess has four "s"s in it. If there are three in the word, that is a VERY different thing (or technically, things)! ;)

 

Interesting that you mention a kiss as a first date thing. I've never really felt comfortable kissing someone I just met. Of course, that's just me and I know that's not true of everyone (or even of most people). I do wonder, though, does someone NOT kissing you on a first date make you feel like they DIDN'T like you? Because I have been on great first dates and I just have a kind of unwritten rule that I don't kiss people until I get to know them.

 

Does that make sense to anyone? Would you be turned off by one way or the other. I personally would be a little turned off if a woman tried to kiss me after I only knew her for a couple hours. I really need to get to know a person first before moving on to intimate things like that.

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Interesting that you mention a kiss as a first date thing. I've never really felt comfortable kissing someone I just met. Of course, that's just me and I know that's not true of everyone (or even of most people). I do wonder, though, does someone NOT kissing you on a first date make you feel like they DIDN'T like you? Because I have been on great first dates and I just have a kind of unwritten rule that I don't kiss people until I get to know them.

 

Does that make sense to anyone? Would you be turned off by one way or the other. I personally would be a little turned off if a woman tried to kiss me after I only knew her for a couple hours. I really need to get to know a person first before moving on to intimate things like that.

 

It really depends. I always go for a kiss and have been shocked at the high percentage of women who will reciprocate.

 

And yes, if I'm on the fence about a woman and she doesn't kiss me I almost never go out with her again. It's actually only happened once where I went out with the girl who didn't kiss me and I ended up having sex with her on the 3rd date. If I'm really interested (rarely) I try for a second date but if they didn't kiss me I never got one.

 

So basically I think it's the norm now that people fool around after knowing each other for 3 hours. Pretty sick, but I'm just playing along.

 

I thought maybe the few I was really interested in may have been turned off by me trying to kiss them but I have had more success trying than not trying so I stick to the plan.

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Just curious how people tend to go about this.

 

For example, I think it's super rare to meet someone and from date 1 go "Wow I want to rip this person's clothes off while also wanting to talk to them forever" thing. Or maybe it's just rare for me?

 

Do people just go "Easy conversation and they are OK looking therefore = another date".

 

Just feels so soulless to me. I am taking a possibly forever break right now.

 

I don't consider dating anything soulless or shallow at all. With OLD, you're starting COLD. It's the cold call. You may connect well on text, but it's meeting in person that really seals the deal, and if you have good conversation and you find them attractive, plan date #2. Then maybe date #3, and maybe more, and it grows to two months, then four, then six...or it stops. It's a step-by-step process where one day builds upon another.

 

Some dates may run hot, while others are a slow boil...some never make it out the gate. It's dating's JOB to start from scratch and build.

 

I don't see dating as a waste of time...well, sometimes it is...mostly I've met some interesting people, learned things I want to stay away from, things I like, gotten out for an evening, always up for some smooching, and it sucks big purple twinkies when you think things went well and they bail on you, ghosting sucks, and life goes on. If you get a really bad date, you get a really good story to tell.

 

It is what you make of it, and the reality is, if dating is just kicking you in the face, take a break and work on other goals and priorities, and then leap back in.

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I never feel that way on first dates.

 

Met my boyfriend through OLD, found him cute and funny on our first date but didn't want to rip his clothes off until I got to know him better, even though there was flirty chemistry from the beginning.

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Eternal Sunshine

So this thread kind of confirmed it for me. OLD is supposed to be like a job interview and you have to “work” to build a connection. I don’t want to “work” in my free time. I probably just don’t want to be in a relationship enough. I’m out for good.

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Same as other pepole , at the first date, if I feel some kind of comfort/connection and there are no red flags, find something attractive about the man , I’ll give it a second date. It takes 3-4 dates to figure out if I want to keep seeing the person.

 

It is work but anything worth having requires work and getting out of your comfort zone.

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littleblackheart
So this thread kind of confirmed it for me. OLD is supposed to be like a job interview and you have to “work” to build a connection. I don’t want to “work” in my free time. I probably just don’t want to be in a relationship enough. I’m out for good.

 

Maybe you do want to be in a relationship bad enough, but not via OLD?

 

I think it's easier to decide whether you want to be in a relationship or not once you've met someone that makes it worthwhile.

 

You can look for someone actively (by going online) or you can leave it to chance while still keeping an open mind about it all. Either way is totally fine as long as you are doing what you feel is best for you.

 

There's no one-size-fits all, full-proof strategy no matter what you choose, and there's also a fair bit of right time, right place kind of thing. People who were succesful online will advocate that, those who have found someone organically will advocate that and everyone else is either chancing it, patiently waiting or not interested at all.

 

Do what feels right for you.

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rightondude
So this thread kind of confirmed it for me. OLD is supposed to be like a job interview and you have to “work” to build a connection. I don’t want to “work” in my free time. I probably just don’t want to be in a relationship enough. I’m out for good.

 

<shysterish chuckle> heh heh you'll be back...they always come back!

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Some people have this mentality that initial insane attraction is necessary for a successful relationship. Haven't people ever worked with or went to school with someone who they didn't think was anything special but grew into that over time? That's actually how a lot of marriages happen. Attraction grows over time.

 

If you're totally not attracted, I get it. Let them go but if you're on the fence, why not stick around for a bit? Being on the fence isn't settling. It's exploring further. Settling is when you know you have a dud but keep continuing.

 

OP, online dating is very unnatural and forced to how attraction develops. It will never be like getting to know someone organically.

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Some people have this mentality that initial insane attraction is necessary for a successful relationship. Haven't people ever worked with or went to school with someone who they didn't think was anything special but grew into that over time? That's actually how a lot of marriages happen. Attraction grows over time.

 

If you're totally not attracted, I get it. Let them go but if you're on the fence, why not stick around for a bit? Being on the fence isn't settling. It's exploring further. Settling is when you know you have a dud but keep continuing.

 

OP, online dating is very unnatural and forced to how attraction develops. It will never be like getting to know someone organically.

 

That's the problem with OLD. Everything is so fast paced people assume incompatibility if they don't see fireworks at first or discover something about the person that is in conflict with one of their beliefs.

 

And why not? There are 100s of other people from which to choose. This forces people to constantly look for perfection that doesn't exist. The sad thing is it appears the old days of building attraction over time are a thing of the past.

 

But OLD is good for something/someone to do so its not all bad. I though have given up on finding anything meaningful or long lasting from it.

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newyorker11356
Some people have this mentality that initial insane attraction is necessary for a successful relationship. Haven't people ever worked with or went to school with someone who they didn't think was anything special but grew into that over time? That's actually how a lot of marriages happen. Attraction grows over time.

 

If you're totally not attracted, I get it. Let them go but if you're on the fence, why not stick around for a bit? Being on the fence isn't settling. It's exploring further. Settling is when you know you have a dud but keep continuing.

 

OP, online dating is very unnatural and forced to how attraction develops. It will never be like getting to know someone organically.

 

You can meet someone from online dating and still keep it organically.

 

Most of my dates tend to be from online dating, and this is how I go about it if I do end up going on a date with them:

 

For me, it's basically if there's a physical attraction there first off. I may like their pictures from the dating app/site, but that doesn't always mean I'll find them attractive in the flesh, unfortunately. They have to pass this area first, and I quickly determine that within like 5-10 minutes of meeting them and talking. If I don't find them attractive at all, there won't be a 2nd date regardless of how cool they are.

 

Second, how our personalities match up. How does the conversation flow? Mostly similar interests? Are we compatible with something long-term potentially?

 

Third, if I'm simply feeling it or not. Chemistry is really unpredictable. There could be nothing wrong with the other person, but yet, I just don't feel it for whatever reason.

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To be clear I'm not against OLD. Just that you have to have the right mindset that, okay it's a bit forced and just go with it. Blind dates have always been awkward even before the Internet days.

 

Being around someone over time naturally creates attraction. It's how a lot of people met their spouses and unfortunately why a lot of workplace affairs occur. Often sparks don't just set off right away.

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I typically know if I want to keep talking to someone AND I also know if I want to rip their clothes off at the same exact time. As I've matured however, I've managed to put my animal instinct at bay LOL.

 

Seriously though, its a combination of both.....it has to be IMO.

 

I don't think its worth it to want to rip someones clothes off (thinking long term) if you can't talk to them....but alternatively you could grow to want to jump their bones if you have a great mental connection.

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mortensorchid

I have wondered sometimes why it is I bother to do OLD at all. Because all it is for the most part has been meeting someone once, then never hearing a word from them again after that. In some situations I had an alright time with them, in others it's been plain bad. But I keep this in mind about OLD : It's not the fault of technology. The technology does what it's supposed to do, which is to connect people together and to allow a means in which to communicate (text, emails, IM, etc.). It's the person/people themselves that are not great. It's just what it is.

 

But when two people connect whether it's through OLD or not, that's the magic moment we are all hoping for. And often times that doesn't happen. Hence the disappointments.

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Ruby Slippers
So this thread kind of confirmed it for me. OLD is supposed to be like a job interview and you have to “work” to build a connection. I don’t want to “work” in my free time. I probably just don’t want to be in a relationship enough. I’m out for good.

Not necessarily. I'm off OLD myself, not sure if I'll go back, but I often got the comment from first dates that it was fun and refreshing because I didn't make them feel like it was a job interview. Like you, I'm much more about the emotional and inspirational aspects of a romantic connection than the practical ones. I'm all about the connection.

 

I don't have to want to rip his clothes off, but a baseline of attraction is necessary. Basically, could I see myself happily and lustily kissing, touching, and someday having sex with this man? If yes, continue. If no, it's a waste of time for either of us, so no go.

 

I don't have to want to talk to him forever, but a baseline of conversational spark is necessary. Does he enjoy stimulating conversation as much as I do? Is he intelligent and able to articulate his thoughts? Of course, I've already established this prior to meeting through a phone call, so I know we're covered here.

 

Meeting someone from online is basically to confirm physical attraction and overall connection. Does it feel good to be in each other's presence?

 

All this said, I'm definitely getting the vibe that the time is right to step away from OLD and do your own thing for a while. That's what I'm doing right now, and I'm enjoying it. There are men I could just go out with for fun, but personally I'm not in the mood for anything that doesn't have potential staying power.

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