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Contact The Ex?


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Old 7th March 2018, 4:13 PM   #1
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Contact The Ex?

Our relationship is complicated. We are a second chance relationship, meaning, we dated once and things came crashing down when I learned he was multi dating. It's sticky, because technically in his mind we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. We were separated for 6 months while he was on deployment, and got back together when he returned. We have been inseparable now for 9 months. He has taken me home to meet his family. His mother loves me and we've become friends. And we're talking long term...

In the interlude of returning from deployment, he was sleeping with a woman back in his hometown. We weren't together or even talking. When he left, he told her they were split and that they were not going to work out. A month later, we got back together...

This woman continued to text him. Wanting him back. He ignored her at first, but then started contact. As far as I know, it was friendly, nothing more. But he is a young and oblivious sort. We have a 10 year age gap which makes expectations difficult at times. He's 30. Not an alpha male. And not one to hurt people's feelings on purpose. So he placated her.

Knowing this set me off. I went through the discussions of what her intentions were and how it made me feel. There was an agreement that there are a handful of women that I just can't handle, that are threatening and hurtful to me because of our history.

I'm not an unreasonable person usually, but for me to take him back these were my boundaries. Have women friends, but these handful of women are off the table... It started as a discussion and escalated into an ultimatum when the one particular woman was contacting him to talk about some trip she was on. It was the worst fight we've been through. He ended up handing me the phone and I asked her to stop contacting him. It was more drama than I'm use to but I will protect what matters to me.

She has continued contact with him months later. Only once has he returned a placating response. For the most part, I believe he ignores her. But there was another huge fight over it two months ago. All of the women have been in touch with him in one way or another and he can't nut up and tell them to piss off. But he passive aggressively deleted all of them from Facebook, his contacts, Instagram, and blocked them. He has told me he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me. In his inexperienced mind, he is doing everything right. But again, he can be completely oblivious. These women may not even know what's happening because he hasn't stepped up to say stay out.

Even after all that, this one woman continues to contact him. I know he isn't answering, but my blood is BOILING!! There is something about her that just infuriates and absolutely disgusts me. I can't rationalize it and I can't control it. I'm suspicious as to why she won't get the hint. I wonder if he is actually instigating contact. He wants me to trust him and wants to be together long term, but this has got to be settled!!

I want to contact her. I want to tell her for a second time, respect us and stay out. I also need to know if he is instigating contact. If he is, then we can't build trust, and I need to do what I need to do. Should I contact her??

PS before everyone leaps on the dump him wagon, I do love him. We do have something that I haven't felt in 9 years. We're far from perfect. It sounds easy to give up and just put yourself out there until the perfect person comes along for a perfect relationship in a perfect world. The dating pool isn't the same as when you're 25. It has taken me 9 years to have a connection with someone. He is my best friend as much as he is my boyfriend. So this is tough for me, and I fight for us.
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:24 PM   #2
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Quote:
It started as a discussion and escalated into an ultimatum when the one particular woman was contacting him to talk about some trip she was on. It was the worst fight we've been through. He ended up handing me the phone and I asked her to stop contacting him. It was more drama than I'm use to but I will protect what matters to me.

She has continued contact with him months later. Only once has he returned a placating response. For the most part, I believe he ignores her. But there was another huge fight over it two months ago. All of the women have been in touch with him in one way or another and he can't nut up and tell them to piss off.
She's not the problem: he is. And he's not going to do this. His behavior is making that clear to me.

She's contacting him because he never put her on block, he went in behind you and told her it was ok to contact him and that's why her contact started up again. He ok'd this. He doesn't want to let that go and it looks like he's not going to.

Quote:
Even after all that, this one woman continues to contact him. I know he isn't answering, but my blood is BOILING!! There is something about her that just infuriates and absolutely disgusts me. I can't rationalize it and I can't control it.

I want to contact her. I want to tell her for a second time, respect us and stay out. I also need to know if he is instigating contact. If he is, then we can't build trust, and I need to do what I need to do. Should I contact her??
No. It's not your place to do this. It's his mess to clean up. If you jump in doing the mom role, you'll have pushed your relationship into the fast lane to demise... and perhaps that's where it should be.

He can't control her and neither can you. She might be one of those who doesn't care that he's gone back to you (she may think it's a short-lived thing anyway since you two couldn't make a go of it once already). Exposing your emotions to her like that will tell her that she's got you right where she wants you and all she needs to do is keep up the pressure. She's already got you two fighting amongst each other over her...

All he can control is himself. Same goes for you. That's it. The fact he hasn't put her on block of his own volition should tell you that what you think you have with him isn't really what he has with you. He can talk a good talk, but what is his behavior showing you?

The dating pool might not be what it was, but that's no excuse to tolerate someone who refuses to stand sentry to your relationship's boundaries when he knows exactly what they are and missy isn't on block.

Like I said: she's not the problem: he is.
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If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:37 PM   #3
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Not to completely defend him, but maybe I need to add some more clarifying details. He deleted all of their contacts from his phone, but I don't think he blocked before doing so. I saw the text come in but I know her number. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he maybe didn't know it was her number. But I did. It came in 2 weeks ago. I know he ignored it because he let me see his phone (without knowing what I was looking for). He seems to be genuinely confused when I asked him about it...

Believe me! I know some of this is crazy. I shouldn't be needing to see his phone. But I do need him to at least shut her down. And I need to see it. If she continues after that, I'm not sure...

I will admit I'm insecure after what happened in our history. I'm part of the problem. He has been making a concerted effort to make a relationship. He is trying.

I won't contact her. You make good points.
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:37 PM   #4
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Your bf is (was?)sending her mixed signals at best. He could even have been deliberately encouraging contact behind your back.

I had one like this. I realized after the fact that I was sending very mixed signals to her. Signals like I am with someone else but I like talking to you. She didn't quite believe me when I told her it wasn't going to happen. The contact didn't stop for good until I blocked her number and all her social media.

One difference from your situation is that my gf wasn't aware that I was in contact with this woman. I had to arrive at the necessity of blocking her on my own if I was going to be able to preserve my relationhsip.

Last edited by Agonistes; 7th March 2018 at 5:41 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:53 PM   #5
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Thank you for that Agonistes. I think that is what has happened. And he passive aggressively deleted social media and blocked. And deleted her contact. He says he'll do anything I ask. He will text this woman if I ask and tell her to stay out I I ask. But I don't want to ask. I want him to do it on his own will as you did. I'd like him to figure some of this out on his own without me feeling like I'm forcing it or holding his hand. He just isn't a take charge kinda guy.

As I mentioned, I'm older. I don't want to dominate this guy. But I think he would be perfectly happy if I did. He does want to please me and impress me. But I want a partner. His easy going happy go lucky personality is a good yang to my alpha personality.

Last edited by DC77; 7th March 2018 at 5:59 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:13 PM   #6
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I would not tolerate it if my boyfriend would be texting with his ex.
If she would be texting him all the time, i would tell him to put his foot down. If he wouldnít put an end to it, i would.

I donít really get this dynamic going on in your life.
Itís just not sounding good at all.

I feel he is a bit of a coward.
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:16 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I would not tolerate it if my boyfriend would be texting with his ex.
If she would be texting him all the time, i would tell him to put his foot down. If he wouldnít put an end to it, i would.

I donít really get this dynamic going on in your life.
Itís just not sounding good at all.

I feel he is a bit of a coward.
nail on the head
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:22 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DC77 View Post
Our relationship is complicated[...]It's sticky, because technically in his mind we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.
[...]But he is a young and oblivious sort. We have a 10 year age gap which makes expectations difficult at times. He's 30. Not an alpha male. And not one to hurt people's feelings on purpose. So he placated her.
[...]I want to contact her. I want to tell her for a second time, respect us and stay out.
I read "Contact the Ex?", and I thought, "No."

Then I read the first line, "Our relationship is complicated," and I thought, "Yup, I was right...No."

Then I read the rest, and realized the "ex" you were referring to was not your ex, but your boyfriend's ex...and I thought, "heck no!"

If his ex is a problem, it's his problem, not your problem. If he doesn't deal with his problem and that affects the relationship, then he is your problem, not her.

You're projecting your fear of what he may do, or may already be doing onto the girl. This girl can't steal your boyfriend without your boyfriend choosing her over you. It's his actions that matter in this situation. You don't want to blame your boyfriend of any wrong doing. So, you're using this girl as a target for the insecurities you have in the relationship.

It sounds like he doesn't want to face any confrontation with other people, and can't bring himself to cut an ex off completely. Maybe he's keeping the girl on the hook as a back up, or maybe he just doesn't know how to say "no." But in either case, that's the issue at hand.

Say you scare her off, which is unlikely... just because she's goes away, it doesn't mean his behavior has changed. You say there are more than one girl out there contacting him. When she's gone, you'll fixate on the next, and the next after that. Then, what if a new girl shows interest in him?

Cutting off the girl is treating the symptom, not curing the disease.

Contacting her, can make you look jealous, petty, and needy...If she really does want to date your boyfriend, it also exposes your insecurities to the enemy...showing that the trust isn't strong, and you consider her influence dangerous enough to your relationship to futilely attempt to get rid of her, something she'll note that your boyfriend doesn't want to do for some reason.
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