mental_traveller Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I've been dating a woman I met a few weeks ago, and after a few meetings that went really well, I stayed over at her place for a weekend and we ended up in the sack a couple of times. The main problem was there just wasn't much physical chemistry in bed when we had sex - and I had noticed on dates that there wasn't quite that spark there is normally with a woman I find attractive. So my question is, if physical chemistry isn't really there at first, is this terminal? Or can things be improved either by getting more involved with each other emotionally, and/or just being a bit more creative in the bedroom. She is good looking, nice figure, intelligent, we have a lot of things in common - normally I would expect to be having great sex with someone like that! But for some inexplicable reason, that spark just doesn't seem to be there. That's the only real problem so far, in every other area things were going great. Any other guys (or ladies) been in this situation? If so, did you manage to resolve it, or did things just stay the same or even get worse? If I knew things could improve, then I'd be prepared to try that. But if not, then that would be pretty much a deal-breaker for me. Any advice would be much appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I'm guessing that a lot of people might tell you that if you're lacking sexual chemistry, it will never work. I strongly disagree with that perception. Whether it will work for you depends on what you're in the relationship for. If you're interested mostly in the physical, then you should probably bail now. If you want a close relationship that's not centered entirely in the bedroom, then yes, things can heat up more as you two grow closer. You can also try new things as you go. You'll probably both start to be more uninhibited with each other too. But if you're going to focus on how unfulfilling the sex is, then you're pretty much dooming yourself from the start and making the relationship all about that instead of genuine intimacy and caring for the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
scared shy Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I have never been with anyone that the chemistry or spark wasn't there right off the bat. I mean even the guy that I dated after 6 years of friendship, I can honestly say when I first met him, there was something that made me say hmmm, but we never went there until later because of other friends, other SO's all sorts of variables. If you don't have that, but you get along and have lots in common...etc. then sounds like grounds for an awesome friendship, but IMO it's that spark that separates the friends from lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Physical chemistry supercedes everything else... unless it's an online/long distance relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 So my question is, if physical chemistry isn't really there at first, is this terminal? Or can things be improved either by getting more involved with each other emotionally, and/or just being a bit more creative in the bedroom. Physical attraction is very important in a relationship..but not all of them start that way. You may need to kinda shrug her into the whole 'sex' mood thingy....(does that make sense) One of the things maybe you can do is have a sex talk...I know it may sound weird but discuss the things you like for your SO to do and things that turn you on...Maybe you're missing something... Maybe you can suggest things like dressing up or talking 'dirty' doing sex...that may work to spark her naughty side ...In the end you need to communicate your concerns to her...Or maybe sad say she may not be that into you sexually, who knows!! Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by scared*shy then sounds like grounds for an awesome friendship, but IMO it's that spark that separates the friends from lovers. Originally posted by westernxer Physical chemistry supercedes everything else... unless it's an online/long distance relationship. IMO, it's this attitude that leads people to get involved with the wrong people and causes them to overlook the ones that could be be right for them. As long as both people are willing to try to make the other happy, they'll be able to work it out in bed. It's not the initial physical chemisty that's important. It's the mutual willingness and desire to please your partner that makes great sex. And if you really care about someone, you'll be willing to learn new things to please them. If you're just looking for sex, then go find someone you have great sex with from the start. If you're looking for a real, meaningful relationship, and you really like this girl, don't give up just because you didn't have great sex right away. I'm not saying that this is what's happening in you case, but is it possibile that maybe your lack of sexual chemistry is because you're seeing her less like a sex object and more as an individual, respectable woman? It has been known to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mental_traveller Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl I'm guessing that a lot of people might tell you that if you're lacking sexual chemistry, it will never work. I strongly disagree with that perception. Whether it will work for you depends on what you're in the relationship for. If you're interested mostly in the physical, then you should probably bail now. If you want a close relationship that's not centered entirely in the bedroom, then yes, things can heat up more as you two grow closer. You can also try new things as you go. You'll probably both start to be more uninhibited with each other too. But if you're going to focus on how unfulfilling the sex is, then you're pretty much dooming yourself from the start and making the relationship all about that instead of genuine intimacy and caring for the other person. I'm interested in a proper relationship and not just looking for something physical, but if the sex is a dud long-term, don't you think that's a pretty major issue? I don't mind if it takes a bit of time to get better, and it doesn't have to be like "9 1/2 weeks" every night, but it has to be up to a certain minimum standard. Also you can't really have genuine intimacy & caring after only knowing someone a few weeks, IMO. From a woman's perspective, if you were in this situation, what would you be thinking? NeverSayNever - yeah, it's possible she's just not that into me. In that case, I'd want to quit now if it's ultimately going nowhere, or she's just "settling" until someone else comes along more to her liking. Any thoughts on the best way to find this out? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I think the fact that you find her good looking suggests that you find her attractive. If you want to have a relationship with her then the sex can improve as you learn each other. If the sex is the sole thing then I would move on. If you talk to her and she still has hang ups or isn't as sexually free as you would like then maybe she isn't the partner for you. If on the other hand she is open to your ideas then it could be a funnnnnn time.... Link to post Share on other sites
paradissa1 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 i had a relatioship like this. we care for each other deeply but something was always missing.we tried over and over because something was there .but no physical attraction. we have remained good friends for many years Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller I'm interested in a proper relationship and not just looking for something physical, but if the sex is a dud long-term, don't you think that's a pretty major issue? I don't mind if it takes a bit of time to get better, and it doesn't have to be like "9 1/2 weeks" every night, but it has to be up to a certain minimum standard. Was it completely aweful? Did she seem bored? What about it wasn't good? Also you can't really have genuine intimacy & caring after only knowing someone a few weeks, IMO. That's exactly my point. You can't judge how the sex is going to be long-term if you're just starting out. Once you two are more in-tune with each other, really want to make each other happy, and know what the other likes, it can get better. From a woman's perspective, if you were in this situation, what would you be thinking? I might be a bit disappointed, but I wouldn't write off the relationship completely. I'd give it a chance to get better. Obviously there are some women and men who wouldn't though. Did you get a sense of how she felt about it? Has her behavior or attitude toward you changed from before you slept together? In that case, I'd want to quit now if it's ultimately going nowhere, or she's just "settling" until someone else comes along more to her liking. Any thoughts on the best way to find this out? The only way to really know is to ask her. Think of a way that's comfortable for you to ask and get the answer you want like, "What do you think about us spending more time together?" Make sure you watch her reaction as well as listening to what she's staying. If she hesitates or looks anything but happy, you should probably ask some additional questions to be sure. Like if she says, "yes" but looks unsure just be direct and say, "You don't seem too sure about that." Then get her to tell you why she seems unsure. Maybe the conversation will lead to the topic of your sexual chemistry and you can both talk about what you like, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Sometimes the chemistry knocks you sideways, other times it's hard to figure out whether there's any kind of spark there. Some sparks are there, but small - and grow nicely over time. The spark can be ignited by someone's physical appearance, but if that's the only attraction then it won't last long. The best sparks are when you meet someone who "gets" the things you get, finds you as funny (in a good way) as you find them, draws you in with their warmth - and, obviously, makes you feel like taking your clothes off. My rule is that if I'm not feeling any sort of spark after a couple of dates, then I won't see the guy again...and if pressed for an explanation I'll say that the chemistry's lacking. I've been accused of not giving people a chance, but I know myself well enough to recognise pretty quickly whether or not a relationship is destined for damp squibness. I don't think it's fair on anyone to let that kind of thing drag on. Better to be a bit blunt after a couple of dates, when the other person hasn't had time to form an attachment, than announce months later that they just don't really do it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 I once went on a date with a man 3 times and never felt chemistry and have found in my situation that if I dont * feel * chemistry on the first date , a sense of attraction and magnetism, a draw to that person , it does NOT develop over repeated dates. Rather its either *there or it isnt *. We never had sex or foreplay because I could not visualize him touching me in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
scared shy Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Mary3 Rather its either *there or it isnt *. here here... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 I don't think there is a rule. Apparently for some, they never develop it if it's not there at the start. I can't imagine that. I've rarely felt 'chemistry' at the start but it grew and was plenty fine afterwards. I don't understand how it is that some folks can't develop it later Link to post Share on other sites
kellyp1 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Maybe you don't have the talk, which I am thinking may not help. Maybe you tell her, I really like it when you do this, I enjoy doing this to you, and see where that leads you. Sometimes, especially when you first meet someone, there is a nervousness that you both have to get past. She could be holding back, thinking maybe you won't want her to just let go. As you both work to please each other, you may find a chemistry there you never knew of... The other issue though is you seem ready to abandon already. Do you really like this girl or just feel you should like this girl? If it is the latter, let her go find someone that is into her. Link to post Share on other sites
centered Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by Mary3 Rather its either *there or it isnt *. I tend to agree. Though there's the third possibility -- it's repellent. Seriously, though. If I'm repelled by the chemistry, whether it's scent, or touch, or the look he gives... it ain't happening. Ever. BUT! If the the chemistry's just flat, like a bottle of soda that's been left open all day, I might give the dating another try or two if the other stuff seems good. After three dates, though, if there's no fizz, there's no biz. I spent over 10 years in a dead marriage with no fizz. Gawd, I was patient. Yes, I learned a lot of valuable stuff in that time. But I also feel I wasted a lot of my life. I know great sex won't last forever, and as I get older, it will happen less often. But the *chemistry* should also be there! I hope that when I'm 85 and with my honey, the twinkle in his eye and his silly grin will still make me blush. And when we're on that porch swing, watching a sunset together, just holding hands will be enough if there's chemistry between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mental_traveller Posted June 27, 2005 Author Share Posted June 27, 2005 Well, I thought about it for a while and decided to call it off. I realised that having good chemistry is pretty much essential for me, and I think I was making excuses for her here because in other respects we got along well. It might take longer, but I'd rather meet someone where that spark is there from the beginning. Thanks for the advice everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts