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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


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Old 5th March 2018, 10:56 PM   #31
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You shouldn't be having a guy come over to your boyfriend's house . . . but his controlling behavior is VERY concerning.

Honestly, I would run. He doesn't trust you and this will just end in disaster.

I admit I may get jealous, but I do not show it, let alone would I ever put a tracking device on my phone. That's weird. I wouldn't even allow my girlfriend (nor would I ask her) to use the Find My Friends App on iPhone.

Technology can be a demon.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:08 PM   #32
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How old are you?
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How long you've been dating?
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:15 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.
Yet you are scared of him.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:18 PM   #34
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Get a safety deposit box or bank account and build up a savings. Do not take your phone with you when you leave things in the box or make deposits. In fact, if you can walk there and back again at work or from a friends house, maybe do not even take your car to where this box/account is located. Do not do banking online with this account.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:19 PM   #35
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You are a couple and the household is a 50/50 deal. No, he doesn't get to dictate all the rules because he's pulling in the bills. This is presumably a choice you made together, as those who are married do. I was a stay-at-home-mom for years. The household is a 50/50 deal, but you have to pull your own weight, and hanging out every day with your friends all day like it's a sorority house or frat house or the lobby of the dorm, a happy-go-lucky, no bills, no responsibility, party hardy, rock and roll, someone else pays the bills and buys the food, shampoo, nails, hair, clothes, toilet paper, while all the friends eat up the resources, is not going to fly. If you want that lifestyle, you need to live elsewhere and find someone else to finance it...maybe your parents will be up for it. A responsible man who wants a responsible woman will not tolerate the party all day and hang out lifestyle, bringing home the friends, and the male friend. Opposite gender friends will always be an issue...you have surely seen this topic come up repeatedly...always, always an issue.

Your boyfriend hasn't hit you...YET. YET! He will, trust me on that. I'm sure at this point he has already exhibited acts of destruction like throwing the remote and destroying it in anger or frustration, or punching a wall, or causing some form of destruction of other property with angry outbursts. It will be your body at some point. He monitors your every move...warning! The emotional destruction, the fear, and the anxiety have already taken place.

You posted on an online forum...you KNOW something is seriously wrong, even if you're not ready to admit it out loud. You posted hoping people would give you magic words to change him, that maybe you're misreading or judging...and you're getting the opposite. This dude isn't a "strong silent type" or "teddy bear in a gruff exterior," he's a nightmare dressed up as a rainbow, sporadically...You need to leave.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:21 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
He's working late tonite, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I will still update you all, tho. And thanks to all for your input and support.

I would like to clear up some things tho, because I think some people are getting the wrong impression.

First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.

Second, yes my bf pays all the bills, but that's because I'm still in college. I contribute in other ways. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, tho. Unless your saying that he has the right to monitor me just because he owns the house?

And thirdly (lol, is that even a word?), yes, one of my friends is a guy. I'm not sure why that would be a problem tho. My bf has some female friends too and I don't feel threatened by them at all. What's the big deal about having an opposite sex friend? Plus, my guy friend would never hit on me. We've been good friends since middle school and have no romantic interest in each other. He is just a close friend who's been there for me many times, kind of like a 'brother from another mother' more than anything else. I see no reason for my bf to feel threatened by him.
Being as naive as you are is going to be your downfall in this situation. I hope you wise up really soon. How do you think all those other thousands of women end up in abusive marriages or relationships? Do you think the guy started out hitting her right away? Of course not. Abusers are very subtle and they ratchet up the abuse slowly. Before you know it, he throws something at you in a moment of anger and "accidentally" injures you. You stay. You have an argument and he blocks your exit. You stay. He throws a pot of boiling water on you and says it was an accident. And, you're now thinking, "Oh, I'd never stay in a situation like that!" This is what every woman who's in an abusive relationship has said. Abuse begins subtly and there are more ways to abuse than physically. What your bf is doing is called emotional and psychological abuse. I think 'mental terrorism' is more appropriate.

This is very simple. When a man does to you what your bf is doing, it's abuse. You can call it whatever your want. You can rationalize that you're an intelligent person and not like the others. Well, guess what. Abusers LOVE intelligent, strong women. Once you understand the mind of an abuser, you'll never look at your bf in the same way again. I always recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" The book is written by a man who has seen literally thousands of abusers, and he came to the conclusion that they all have very similar MO's. But the scariest part is that they thrive on the control and pain they dish out. It's very, very difficult for a sane person to wrap their minds around this type of thinking but it's a fact and I can already tell that your bf falls into this category.

The other thing you're apparently very naive about is that, yes, there are a LOT of men out there who like for the woman to be dependent on them for the sole purpose of bossing them around, putting them down, etc. They actually believe that it gives them the right. Then you throw an abusive personality in the mix and you have the perfect storm. Why do you think there was such a rebellion back in the 60's? Why do you think women's lib came about right around that time? While I'm personally not a fan of women's lib, per se, I believe women should have options, because not having options puts her in a very vulnerable situation.

Now, if you're a nice and decent person, none of the above abuser mind-set makes any sense to you and it sounds like fantasy. If you continue to believe that, you'll continue to be a victim to this monster that you think is a good guy. He's not a good guy. As I said before, any goodness you see is just part of the cycle of abuse. They are grand manipulators and fantastic actors. They know exactly which buttons to push, know exactly when to act remorseful and sorry. Having known one of them firsthand, I can say without reservation that I detest abusers, without reservation.

I hope you'll find it in yourself to walk away from this situation and hold out for a truly good guy. This bf of your has you logging onto an online site and talking about his horrible behavior. That alone should be enough of a red flag. Btw, he'll probably find your post.

And, yes, 'thirdly' is a word.

Last edited by bathtub-row; 6th March 2018 at 12:24 AM..
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Old 6th March 2018, 11:39 AM   #37
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Most people on here are in their 40's and 50's....we have been through it and we are trying to save you from an abusive BF.

You, like myself when I had an abusive BF, I was in total denial. He did the promise to be a nice BF...and he was....for awhile, everything was great. Then like the drop of a had, something would trigger it and it happened all over again. The abuse peaked, I threatened to leave him, he would be all apologetic and loving, promise to never be like that again, blah blah blah....see the pattern? this happened repeatedly. The cycle resets itself, you let your guard down, the abuse fires up again. And yes my family and friends begged me to get rid of him but I didn't listen. The abuse got physical, we tried to work through it...it only got worse, I finally dumped him. The scary part was, he came back 5 years later to try and rekindle the relationship...he still had that crazy look in his eyes when I rejected him. still freaks me out to this day when I think of it.

I still stand by my advice....listen to the people that are closest to you, YOUR family and friends. They know better than you do...they see the danger, they see how toxic this guy is.


The majority of women that are murdered are killed by the hand of their partner. Domestic violence. It's very real. It only takes one fiery fueled argument to have him on top of you trying to strangle the life out of you.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:02 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by act00 View Post
You are a couple and the household is a 50/50 deal. No, he doesn't get to dictate all the rules because he's pulling in the bills. This is presumably a choice you made together, as those who are married do. I was a stay-at-home-mom for years. The household is a 50/50 deal, but you have to pull your own weight, and hanging out every day with your friends all day like it's a sorority house or frat house or the lobby of the dorm, a happy-go-lucky, no bills, no responsibility, party hardy, rock and roll, someone else pays the bills and buys the food, shampoo, nails, hair, clothes, toilet paper, while all the friends eat up the resources, is not going to fly. If you want that lifestyle, you need to live elsewhere and find someone else to finance it...maybe your parents will be up for it. A responsible man who wants a responsible woman will not tolerate the party all day and hang out lifestyle, bringing home the friends, and the male friend. Opposite gender friends will always be an issue...you have surely seen this topic come up repeatedly...always, always an issue.

Your boyfriend hasn't hit you...YET. YET! He will, trust me on that. I'm sure at this point he has already exhibited acts of destruction like throwing the remote and destroying it in anger or frustration, or punching a wall, or causing some form of destruction of other property with angry outbursts. It will be your body at some point. He monitors your every move...warning! The emotional destruction, the fear, and the anxiety have already taken place.

You posted on an online forum...you KNOW something is seriously wrong, even if you're not ready to admit it out loud. You posted hoping people would give you magic words to change him, that maybe you're misreading or judging...and you're getting the opposite. This dude isn't a "strong silent type" or "teddy bear in a gruff exterior," he's a nightmare dressed up as a rainbow, sporadically...You need to leave.
No, I know something is seriously wrong. And youíre right, he does have a bad temper and has punched the door and the wall a few times. But Iím trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I didnít mention this, but heís been diagnosed with Aspergerís syndrome, which makes him more suspectible to outbursts of emotion. So when we argue he will sometimes get really angry, but heís never acted violently towards me, not even once. He normally will just walk away and perhaps punch or throw something. But if he did ever hit me, believe me, I would not put up with that.

As far as me pulling my own weight, I do try to do that. I do chores and stuff and other things that need done. And I donít feel like weíre ďpartying all dayĒ. My friends and I hang out and study together here, because itís convenient, and afterwards we wind down by hanging out in the hot tub and drinking a bit. Usually just for a few hours in the afternoon or evening. The same things my other friends are doing in their dorms, itís just that I have more room and conveniences here, thatís all. Why should I feel guilty about hanging out a bit with my friends after a long study session? And I also donít see whatís a big deal about one of my friends being a guy. So what? I would never feel threatened if my bf had a female friend. I see nothing wrong with having an opposite sex friend and honestly donít feel this should be an issue. My relationship with my friend is strictly platonic, I know this, and my friend knows this. There is no good reason for my bf to feel threatened.

Quote:
Being as naive as you are is going to be your downfall in this situation. I hope you wise up really soon. How do you think all those other thousands of women end up in abusive marriages or relationships? Do you think the guy started out hitting her right away? Of course not. Abusers are very subtle and they ratchet up the abuse slowly. Before you know it, he throws something at you in a moment of anger and "accidentally" injures you. You stay. You have an argument and he blocks your exit. You stay. He throws a pot of boiling water on you and says it was an accident. And, you're now thinking, "Oh, I'd never stay in a situation like that!" This is what every woman who's in an abusive relationship has said. Abuse begins subtly and there are more ways to abuse than physically. What your bf is doing is called emotional and psychological abuse. I think 'mental terrorism' is more appropriate.

This is very simple. When a man does to you what your bf is doing, it's abuse. You can call it whatever your want. You can rationalize that you're an intelligent person and not like the others. Well, guess what. Abusers LOVE intelligent, strong women. Once you understand the mind of an abuser, you'll never look at your bf in the same way again. I always recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" The book is written by a man who has seen literally thousands of abusers, and he came to the conclusion that they all have very similar MO's. But the scariest part is that they thrive on the control and pain they dish out. It's very, very difficult for a sane person to wrap their minds around this type of thinking but it's a fact and I can already tell that your bf falls into this category.

The other thing you're apparently very naive about is that, yes, there are a LOT of men out there who like for the woman to be dependent on them for the sole purpose of bossing them around, putting them down, etc. They actually believe that it gives them the right. Then you throw an abusive personality in the mix and you have the perfect storm. Why do you think there was such a rebellion back in the 60's? Why do you think women's lib came about right around that time? While I'm personally not a fan of women's lib, per se, I believe women should have options, because not having options puts her in a very vulnerable situation.

Now, if you're a nice and decent person, none of the above abuser mind-set makes any sense to you and it sounds like fantasy. If you continue to believe that, you'll continue to be a victim to this monster that you think is a good guy. He's not a good guy. As I said before, any goodness you see is just part of the cycle of abuse. They are grand manipulators and fantastic actors. They know exactly which buttons to push, know exactly when to act remorseful and sorry. Having known one of them firsthand, I can say without reservation that I detest abusers, without reservation.

I hope you'll find it in yourself to walk away from this situation and hold out for a truly good guy. This bf of your has you logging onto an online site and talking about his horrible behavior. That alone should be enough of a red flag. Btw, he'll probably find your post.
Well, itís hard for me to think of my bf as an ďabuserĒ or a ďmonsterĒ. I mean, heís really good to me and I know he loves me. He treats me like a queen and gives me anything I want, completely spoils me. He shows me he loves me every day. I just think he feels threatened because he canít be with me when Iím hanging out with my friends, and then his mind wanders and he starts imagining things. I really donít think it would be fair to call him a ďmonsterĒ at this point.

But I can relate to what you said about being dependent and him using that to try and control me. I do notice that he will try and use that against me. He even recently threatened to put a limit on my spending after I went shoe shopping, and the way he lectured me seemed rather domineering to me and it made me feel like I was a child. I mean, it honeslty felt like I was a little girl being chastised by my father, it was really demeaning. So I do see what you mean here, although spending over $1000 on shoes was probably a bit overboard (I have a shoe fetish ).

But when we talk tonite I definitely will bring all of these issues up to him. Youíre right that they are legitimate concerns, whether they are really happening or not.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:06 PM   #39
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How old is your boyfriend? how old are you?
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:16 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
So I do see what you mean here, although spending over $1000 on shoes was probably a bit overboard (I have a shoe fetish ).
I'm starting to have an idea of what we're dealing with here. Sounds like a SugarBaby relationship. We will never get through to you as you identify the money he spends on you as love.

I am afraid you will have to learn this life lesson the hard way.

Good luck.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:21 PM   #41
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Unhappy

hey there, ive only read the first page of this post and you are asking what you should be saying to this man of yours....well I can tell you in a nust-shell....the word you are looking for is GOODBYE!!!!!


im sorry, someone that is snooping on you and is so controlling is not in love with you, he is in love with the control he has over you!!!!! there is a big difference.


you have a terrific amount of good advice here from so many on here and I have only looked at the first page...


you say that he hasn't hit you, he doesn't need to because he already controls all you do and you are letting him!


love is about respect and allowing someone to be themselves without making them feel like they are living in a cage or in a steryotype of what is expected.


are you happy? I suspect that there may be something in your male friend visitor that you prefer your boyfeind was like and that's why he is a good comfort to you.


before you get excited, im not suggesting youre in love with your male friend but I am saying your bf is jelouse of that bond and maybe is threatened as he realises the more you see strong people, people who show you what respect and caring is the more you will question his behaviour!!!!! and you should be questioning his behaviour!!!!!


I actually think you need to stop trying to figure out his behaviours as there is not that much to figure out, if you wanna get back on this one and correct me on anything I am saying you can (as I know I have only read one page...im short for time); but the advice you have already been given here is very very good and I think you would be unwise not to take it in because you have some rose-tinted image of this current relationship.


is there some kind of culture thing going on in that it is an expectation for you as a partner to be subservient to this man? even so, there are lots of people in these type of situations that negotiate compromise (and the least you must do if he loves you....if he knows what love really is...then he needs to be willing to compromise. lots of people even in culturally restrictive situations don't allow this kind of total manipulation monitoring etc...


I suspect he is paying the bills because he thinks that will allow him to own you.....well it doesn't.


if it were me, id want to find someone that really loved me and wanted to share the good things with not just dish out negativity when things jar with him. he sounds like an immature person and I feel you need to at least not allow this to continue...otherwise it will really come at your emotional expense!!!!!! (at the least). its not a healthy relationship the way it is at the moment...you deserve more and I don't think he really is that keen from what you've said he may not want to change...he likes control and he like you being under his control so why should he even want to change....


see ya. maxi


I will look at this tomorrow i
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:28 PM   #42
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I agree with all those who say itís abuse.

Opposite sex friend = asking for trouble. I donít argue on that . Non negotiable
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:34 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
My friends and I hang out and study together here, because itís convenient, and afterwards we wind down by hanging out in the hot tub and drinking a bit. Usually just for a few hours in the afternoon or evening.
I think your bf is over the top but I know a lot of normal guys who wouldn't be comfortable with that.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:45 PM   #44
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I'm starting to have an idea of what we're dealing with here. Sounds like a SugarBaby relationship. We will never get through to you as you identify the money he spends on you as love.

I am afraid you will have to learn this life lesson the hard way.

Good luck.
Yes, she will. Like most women in these situations.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:49 PM   #45
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$1,000 on shoes??!! Are you kidding me? Yes, this very much sounds like a sugar daddy situation. Go ahead and take advantage of the situation, get your degree (youíre going to need it) and see what happens from there.

Btw, putting his fist into the wall is him showing you his strength and giving you reason to fear him. Youíll catch on...eventually.
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