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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


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Old 5th March 2018, 4:08 PM   #1
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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you

Hello everyone,

Iím new here and need advice. The problem is my bf. Heís basically a wonderful bf, and for the most part we get along great, but the problem is that sometimes heíll get really jealous for no good reason, and then he will use this as an excuse to snoop and spy on me, and even to try to control me. Heís hacked into my computer and my phone, put tracking software on the phone, had friends follow me around and report back to him, and he recently even installed security cameras in every room where we live, so he can monitor my every move while heís at work. He also will try and tell me who I can and canít be friends with, and who Iím allowed to have over, which he tries to justify because itís ďhisĒ house (I guess itís ďhisĒ because he pays the bills, even tho I live there too). He even says I shouldnít have any guy friends, because according to him that is inappropriate when you are in a relationship.

Iím not sure why he is like this, I have never give him a reason not to trust me, but I think it has something to do with how he was brought up. His father is also very controlling, and so I think he either learned to be like that growing up or else itís heriditary, or perhaps a combination of both. But whatever the reason itís really straining our relationship right now because Iím just sick and tired of it at this point. He is constantly asking all kinds of questions about my past and my friends, and heíll get mad if I donít tell him literally everything he wants to know. It honestly feels like Iím being interrogated by the police or something! And it seems like heís constantly trying to control and monitor me, to the point where I honestly feel like a prisoner sometimes. Heís even gotten really mad at me lately because I keep turning off the security system after he leaves for work, but Iím sorry, I donít feel comfortable with a bunch of cameras on me at all times. Itís just creepy, almost Orwellian really, and it just makes me feel really awkward.

Iíve tried to talk reason to him, but Iíve found that this makes him think I might have something to hide. He doesnít seem to understand why I donít like being monitored all the time, and so for him it means that I must have something to hide. He claims that he wouldnít mind it if the roles were reversed, in fact he even offers to let me monitor him via tracking software on his phone, so he says that my behavior seems shady and suspicious, and that anyone else would feel the same.

What do you all think of this? Most of my friends think heís a bit crazy and even dangerous, and some of them think I should leave him. I kind of agree, but I am so in love with him, and couldnít imagine being with anyone else. Heís been the best bf Iíve ever had, and he treats me better than any guy ever has, itís like this is his only flaw really, so Iíd hate to break up over this. But at the same time Iím getting sooo sick and tired of all his crap!
What should I do? I am looking for honest responses, but please donít just tell me to leave him. Leaving him is not an option Iím going to consider at this point, because I truly love him and Iím committed to working it out. If I wanted to leave, Iíd already have done so and you would not be reading this post. I do think heís capable of change, but Iím not sure how to convince him to change. What can I do to show him that he doesnít have anything to worry about, and that all of his suspicions and fears are unfounded, self-induced, and only serve to create unnecessary friction between us?
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:14 PM   #2
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I have been in your shoes...there is no fixing this, no he will not change. The best thing you can do is run for the hills and document the harassment that will soon follow, possible restraining order. Trust me he is far from wonderful, and it will only get worse. I was stupid and believed my ex would change, it got violent....don't be stupid like I was...your friends are afraid for you.....GET OUT NOW.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:18 PM   #3
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Honestly, leave. Are you waiting for him to chain you in a closet or something?

I don't care how nice he is between him monitoring you with cameras and keeping track on you with a gps. He's sick, seriously sick and yes he will become dangerous when you try to reassert yourself.

He won't change, stop kidding yourself with this. He would need years of therapy and chances are he won't ever change.

You need a plan to leave. You need to move out when he's not around and you need someone to stay with you in your new place or stay at your parents for the couple first months. Do not ever go back in that house alone, always have a male with you. He will beg, cry, make 100s of promises but he won't keep any. It's how manipulators are.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:19 PM   #4
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He's controlling, abusive and yes high potential to be dangerous.


It won't ever get any better, only worse.


Run like hell if you value being alive.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:28 PM   #5
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I'm sorry but having been in a relationship like this one and a father that treated my mother with absolute control and paranoia -- it will not change. Infact, it will get worse.

Love isn't the only building block in a relationship. You can't sustain it on love alone. And yes, I agree with your friends and family that he's unstable and at some point will become dangerous. Control and jealousy is not love.

They're the best boyfriends in the world for a reason -- to keep you where they need you so that you'll accept and tolerate their ugly side.

What's more concerning is that you are accepting of a man hacking into your devices, monitoring you with cameras and controlling your life. That in itself speaks as to your own view of what a healthy relationship should be. In time, he will break your self-esteem to pieces and leave you completely dependent on him.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:39 PM   #6
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Thatís f%#%ing crazy. Iím sorry, but he wonít change. I know you said thatís not what you want to hear, but any other advice would just be you putting your head in the sand. Being under constant surveillance is no way to live.

Why is leaving not an option? Iím assuming you are young and without children. Once that changes, leaving gets much tougher. Get out while you can. If you donít, 5 years from now youíll be kicking yourself for not doing so.
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Old 5th March 2018, 4:50 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post

Heís basically a wonderful bf, and for the most part we get along great
/.../
He also will try and tell me who I can and canít be friends with, and who Iím allowed to have over, which he tries to justify because itís ďhisĒ house (I guess itís ďhisĒ because he pays the bills, even tho I live there too)
/.../
I honestly feel like a prisoner sometimes.
/.../
Itís just creepy, almost Orwellian really, and it just makes me feel really awkward.
/.../
so he says that my behavior seems shady and suspicious, and that anyone else would feel the same.
/.../
Heís been the best bf Iíve ever had, and he treats me better than any guy ever has, itís like this is his only flaw really, so Iíd hate to break up over this.
Do you see contradictions in these statements, between him allegedly being so wonderful and how you really feel?

I see textbook red flags - like isolating you from your friends and possibly family. Also, gaslighting - telling you that *everyone* would feel the same while this is definitely not true, people do not live like this.

Are you very young? If you donít leave you might start believing that this is normal. Iím afraid you already do. Please trust your friends assessment that this situation is dangerous. Also, it has nothing to do with what you do or donít do. You cannot fool yourself that if you only did x, z or y, then he would magically change. This extent of control is sick and unhealthy and will probably escalate from mental to physical violence

If you have been treated worse buy other guys it still doesnít make the current situation OK. Iím afraid he senses that you have been abused before and thus seem like an easy prey to him. I am absolutely not saying that youíre guilty of anything, Iím just giving you the perspective that probably even he knows that itís not normal and has found a victim with whom he can get away with it.

I know I was harsh but I say it with your best interest in mind.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:17 PM   #8
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Hon, you're still living with him and loving him. This tells him that he's perfectly acceptable as he is. You're giving him zero negative consequences, so why would he change? Let's be clear, he will only change if he finds that the outcome of his behaviour has detrimental consequences to himself.

If you're not prepared to break up, then moving out is what you need to do. Tell him that you will not return until he's done therapy and has demonstrated 18 months without control or jealousy.

At this point, he does not care how his actions make you feel, so talking about your feelings will have no effect. You need to make the consequences hurt him.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:27 PM   #9
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I can appreciate what everyone is saying, but only I know him and he really is a great bf, other than this one issue. And I do think heís capable of changing. Heís changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways. At one point I even thought this issue was behind us, but then after we started living together he started getting suspicious again, and thatís when he installed the security cameras and asking who all my friends were.

I think the main problem is just that he doesnít know most of my friends, so heís a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while heís at work. Iím sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldnít have this problem. Because I noticed that he didnít start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but Iíve told him that heís just an old friend from school and that heís in a relationship, so I canít understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didnít seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see whatís going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because itís my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this?
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:29 PM   #10
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Are your friends male?
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:35 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see whatís going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because itís my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this?
If that is your solution, thatís equivalent to rearranging the chairs on the Titanic. This thread is going to go like most here. Youíll get a lot of good advice, but itís not what you want to hear, so youíre going to defend his behavior. Which is perfectly fine if youíre willing to live that way. But no matter how much youíd like him to, he isnít changing.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:39 PM   #12
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Heís changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways.
That is what we call not changing.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:43 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this?
It's not about trust -- it's about control. That's not changing.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:43 PM   #14
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I think the main problem is just that he doesnít know most of my friends, so heís a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while heís at work. Iím sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldnít have this problem. Because I noticed that he didnít start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but Iíve told him that heís just an old friend from school and that heís in a relationship, so I canít understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didnít seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see whatís going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because itís my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this?
Those are all excuses you are trying to find to excuse him. Nothing justifies acting like he does. How many men do you know watch their gf through cameras?

He is not a nice man, get that out of your mind. He's manipulative, controlling, he gets mad at you, he gets defensive, etc. What he is doing is abusive.
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:04 PM   #15
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Well, I wasn't trying to "excuse" him. I was honestly just trying to explain his behavior. I know there's no excuse for it, but I was trying to put two and two together as to why it started up again, and that was the only reason I could think of.

But he really is a great guy, other than this one issue. He treats me better than any guy ever has, and that's the truth. I couldn't imagine throwing all this away without at least trying to resolve this.

I was really looking for advice as to how to best work through this, but I can appreciate what everyone is saying.

I think the general consensus here is that if I don't want to leave him, I should at least 'put my foot down' and give him some sort of ultimatum. Which I do agree with, although I also don't want to come off as too confrontational.

We will be talking about this tonite after he gets home. What do you think I should say?
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