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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


sgrinaldi

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Hello everyone,

 

I’m new here and need advice. The problem is my bf. He’s basically a wonderful bf, and for the most part we get along great, but the problem is that sometimes he’ll get really jealous for no good reason, and then he will use this as an excuse to snoop and spy on me, and even to try to control me. He’s hacked into my computer and my phone, put tracking software on the phone, had friends follow me around and report back to him, and he recently even installed security cameras in every room where we live, so he can monitor my every move while he’s at work. He also will try and tell me who I can and can’t be friends with, and who I’m allowed to have over, which he tries to justify because it’s “his” house (I guess it’s “his” because he pays the bills, even tho I live there too). He even says I shouldn’t have any guy friends, because according to him that is inappropriate when you are in a relationship.

 

I’m not sure why he is like this, I have never give him a reason not to trust me, but I think it has something to do with how he was brought up. His father is also very controlling, and so I think he either learned to be like that growing up or else it’s heriditary, or perhaps a combination of both. But whatever the reason it’s really straining our relationship right now because I’m just sick and tired of it at this point. He is constantly asking all kinds of questions about my past and my friends, and he’ll get mad if I don’t tell him literally everything he wants to know. It honestly feels like I’m being interrogated by the police or something! And it seems like he’s constantly trying to control and monitor me, to the point where I honestly feel like a prisoner sometimes. He’s even gotten really mad at me lately because I keep turning off the security system after he leaves for work, but I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with a bunch of cameras on me at all times. It’s just creepy, almost Orwellian really, and it just makes me feel really awkward. :(

 

I’ve tried to talk reason to him, but I’ve found that this makes him think I might have something to hide. He doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t like being monitored all the time, and so for him it means that I must have something to hide. He claims that he wouldn’t mind it if the roles were reversed, in fact he even offers to let me monitor him via tracking software on his phone, so he says that my behavior seems shady and suspicious, and that anyone else would feel the same.

 

What do you all think of this? Most of my friends think he’s a bit crazy and even dangerous, and some of them think I should leave him. I kind of agree, but I am so in love with him, and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. He’s been the best bf I’ve ever had, and he treats me better than any guy ever has, it’s like this is his only flaw really, so I’d hate to break up over this. But at the same time I’m getting sooo sick and tired of all his crap!

What should I do? I am looking for honest responses, but please don’t just tell me to leave him. Leaving him is not an option I’m going to consider at this point, because I truly love him and I’m committed to working it out. If I wanted to leave, I’d already have done so and you would not be reading this post. I do think he’s capable of change, but I’m not sure how to convince him to change. What can I do to show him that he doesn’t have anything to worry about, and that all of his suspicions and fears are unfounded, self-induced, and only serve to create unnecessary friction between us?

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I have been in your shoes...there is no fixing this, no he will not change. The best thing you can do is run for the hills and document the harassment that will soon follow, possible restraining order. Trust me he is far from wonderful, and it will only get worse. I was stupid and believed my ex would change, it got violent....don't be stupid like I was...your friends are afraid for you.....GET OUT NOW.

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Honestly, leave. Are you waiting for him to chain you in a closet or something?

 

I don't care how nice he is between him monitoring you with cameras and keeping track on you with a gps. He's sick, seriously sick and yes he will become dangerous when you try to reassert yourself.

 

He won't change, stop kidding yourself with this. He would need years of therapy and chances are he won't ever change.

 

You need a plan to leave. You need to move out when he's not around and you need someone to stay with you in your new place or stay at your parents for the couple first months. Do not ever go back in that house alone, always have a male with you. He will beg, cry, make 100s of promises but he won't keep any. It's how manipulators are.

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He's controlling, abusive and yes high potential to be dangerous.

 

 

It won't ever get any better, only worse.

 

 

Run like hell if you value being alive.

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I'm sorry but having been in a relationship like this one and a father that treated my mother with absolute control and paranoia -- it will not change. Infact, it will get worse.

 

Love isn't the only building block in a relationship. You can't sustain it on love alone. And yes, I agree with your friends and family that he's unstable and at some point will become dangerous. Control and jealousy is not love.

 

They're the best boyfriends in the world for a reason -- to keep you where they need you so that you'll accept and tolerate their ugly side.

 

What's more concerning is that you are accepting of a man hacking into your devices, monitoring you with cameras and controlling your life. That in itself speaks as to your own view of what a healthy relationship should be. In time, he will break your self-esteem to pieces and leave you completely dependent on him.

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That’s f%#%ing crazy. I’m sorry, but he won’t change. I know you said that’s not what you want to hear, but any other advice would just be you putting your head in the sand. Being under constant surveillance is no way to live.

 

Why is leaving not an option? I’m assuming you are young and without children. Once that changes, leaving gets much tougher. Get out while you can. If you don’t, 5 years from now you’ll be kicking yourself for not doing so.

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He’s basically a wonderful bf, and for the most part we get along great

/.../

He also will try and tell me who I can and can’t be friends with, and who I’m allowed to have over, which he tries to justify because it’s “his” house (I guess it’s “his” because he pays the bills, even tho I live there too)

/.../

I honestly feel like a prisoner sometimes.

/.../

It’s just creepy, almost Orwellian really, and it just makes me feel really awkward. :(

/.../

so he says that my behavior seems shady and suspicious, and that anyone else would feel the same.

/.../

He’s been the best bf I’ve ever had, and he treats me better than any guy ever has, it’s like this is his only flaw really, so I’d hate to break up over this.

 

Do you see contradictions in these statements, between him allegedly being so wonderful and how you really feel?

 

I see textbook red flags - like isolating you from your friends and possibly family. Also, gaslighting - telling you that *everyone* would feel the same while this is definitely not true, people do not live like this.

 

Are you very young? If you don’t leave you might start believing that this is normal. I’m afraid you already do. Please trust your friends assessment that this situation is dangerous. Also, it has nothing to do with what you do or don’t do. You cannot fool yourself that if you only did x, z or y, then he would magically change. This extent of control is sick and unhealthy and will probably escalate from mental to physical violence

 

If you have been treated worse buy other guys it still doesn’t make the current situation OK. I’m afraid he senses that you have been abused before and thus seem like an easy prey to him. I am absolutely not saying that you’re guilty of anything, I’m just giving you the perspective that probably even he knows that it’s not normal and has found a victim with whom he can get away with it.

 

I know I was harsh but I say it with your best interest in mind.

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Hon, you're still living with him and loving him. This tells him that he's perfectly acceptable as he is. You're giving him zero negative consequences, so why would he change? Let's be clear, he will only change if he finds that the outcome of his behaviour has detrimental consequences to himself.

 

If you're not prepared to break up, then moving out is what you need to do. Tell him that you will not return until he's done therapy and has demonstrated 18 months without control or jealousy.

 

At this point, he does not care how his actions make you feel, so talking about your feelings will have no effect. You need to make the consequences hurt him.

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I can appreciate what everyone is saying, but only I know him and he really is a great bf, other than this one issue. And I do think he’s capable of changing. He’s changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways. At one point I even thought this issue was behind us, but then after we started living together he started getting suspicious again, and that’s when he installed the security cameras and asking who all my friends were.

 

I think the main problem is just that he doesn’t know most of my friends, so he’s a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while he’s at work. I’m sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldn’t have this problem. Because I noticed that he didn’t start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

 

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but I’ve told him that he’s just an old friend from school and that he’s in a relationship, so I can’t understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didn’t seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

 

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this? :confused:

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Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this? :confused:

 

If that is your solution, that’s equivalent to rearranging the chairs on the Titanic. This thread is going to go like most here. You’ll get a lot of good advice, but it’s not what you want to hear, so you’re going to defend his behavior. Which is perfectly fine if you’re willing to live that way. But no matter how much you’d like him to, he isn’t changing.

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He’s changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways.
That is what we call not changing.

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Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this? :confused:

 

It's not about trust -- it's about control. That's not changing.

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I think the main problem is just that he doesn’t know most of my friends, so he’s a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while he’s at work. I’m sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldn’t have this problem. Because I noticed that he didn’t start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

 

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but I’ve told him that he’s just an old friend from school and that he’s in a relationship, so I can’t understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didn’t seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

 

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this? :confused:

 

Those are all excuses you are trying to find to excuse him. Nothing justifies acting like he does. How many men do you know watch their gf through cameras?

 

He is not a nice man, get that out of your mind. He's manipulative, controlling, he gets mad at you, he gets defensive, etc. What he is doing is abusive.

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Well, I wasn't trying to "excuse" him. I was honestly just trying to explain his behavior. I know there's no excuse for it, but I was trying to put two and two together as to why it started up again, and that was the only reason I could think of.

 

But he really is a great guy, other than this one issue. He treats me better than any guy ever has, and that's the truth. I couldn't imagine throwing all this away without at least trying to resolve this.

 

I was really looking for advice as to how to best work through this, but I can appreciate what everyone is saying.

 

I think the general consensus here is that if I don't want to leave him, I should at least 'put my foot down' and give him some sort of ultimatum. Which I do agree with, although I also don't want to come off as too confrontational.

 

We will be talking about this tonite after he gets home. What do you think I should say?

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Control is abuse, and he's a controller. Guys who don't want you to have friends are BAD NEWS. Isolating you is their first step toward controlling your every move. He will not change. Don't be silly. Prisons have spent decades trying to change controlling abusive jerks and had zero success. If you have a brain in your head, you'll find someone who's not controlling. It's no way to live and it teaches your kids all the wrong things to put up with or do.

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We will be talking about this tonite after he gets home. What do you think I should say?

 

Yes, it's good to not be confrontational. But you do need to be assertive and 100% firm in your resolve.

 

The only option you have is to move out for 18 months or so. Why so drastic? Because last time he "changed" it wasn't a change. It was just him pretending to do the right thing. This is why you need to refuse to come back until he's demonstrating sustained changed over a substantial period of time. Do not let him talk you out of this with promises of change because he's given you no reason to believe he can do it.

 

First, find somewhere to go. Second, tell him that you love him but you cannot stay in a relationship where control and abuse is happening. As such, you are moving out. Tell him that you will move back in ONLY when he's done therapy and can demonstrate long term change. Give him an 18 month timeline (or whatever his therapist advises. Talk to the therapist directly - he might lie about the timeline)

 

Of course, as it's an ultimatum, he may choose to breakup rather than change. If he chooses this route, you will know that it was time to end it.

 

Lastly, if this is the best relationship you've ever been in, it doesn't say much for the previous ones! Relationships can be so much better than this.

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Yes, it's good to not be confrontational. But you do need to be assertive and 100% firm in your resolve.

 

The only option you have is to move out for 18 months or so. Why so drastic? Because last time he "changed" it wasn't a change. It was just him pretending to do the right thing. This is why you need to refuse to come back until he's demonstrating sustained changed over a substantial period of time. Do not let him talk you out of this with promises of change because he's given you no reason to believe he can do it.

 

First, find somewhere to go. Second, tell him that you love him but you cannot stay in a relationship where control and abuse is happening. As such, you are moving out. Tell him that you will move back in ONLY when he's done therapy and can demonstrate long term change. Give him an 18 month timeline (or whatever his therapist advises. Talk to the therapist directly - he might lie about the timeline)

 

Of course, as it's an ultimatum, he may choose to breakup rather than change. If he chooses this route, you will know that it was time to end it.

 

Lastly, if this is the best relationship you've ever been in, it doesn't say much for the previous ones! Relationships can be so much better than this.

 

Ok. I will be firm with him.

 

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off! :eek:

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I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off! :eek:

 

But he’s a really great guy, and the best boyfriend you’ve ever had....

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Ok. I will be firm with him.

 

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off! :eek:

 

That's your answer, right there. Run from this guy! Run fast and run far...

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There you are already scared of him. He's already got you where he wants you, intimidated and afraid.

 

Tell him his control over you is over. No more cameras, no more isolating you from friends and family, no more monitoring your phone and what ever else he's doing. These are your conditions to remain in this relationship and if he cannot accept this then you will break up.

 

Has he ever grabbed your wrist or your arm? or threaten you?

 

You are in an abusive relationship, his abuse is different than your previous boyfriends but he's still abusive. Abusive men are always sweethearts between their outbursts.

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Do you work, OP?

 

What I've gathered is your bf goes to work, and you have friends over, including males, to 'hang out' all day. Whose house is it? Who pays the bills? Give some examples of how well he treats you.

 

 

I'm not excusing his behavior, just trying to get a better read on the situation.

 

Edit: I see he pays the bills. What's your role in the household?

Edited by MidwestUSA
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i agree with everyone else that this person is not relationship material for any mature adult who values their own agency.

 

but, if you're not willing to leave him, at least refused be monitored.

 

get your devices wiped to remove any monitoring, and destroy/hide/cover the recording devices in the house.

 

you will never convince him of your trustworthiness...because this is about him. not you. trying to "prove" yourself on camera is perfectly useless.

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Ok. I will be firm with him.

 

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off! :eek:

 

Right. Which is how it usually is with controllers. This is why you should just wash your hands of him and move when he's at work and stay someplace safe until he's cooled down. Even then, he may decide to beat you up. Honestly, I can see you're a long way from doing anything about this, but when you finally reach that point, call a women's shelter for advice or a victims hotline for advice on how to leave most safely. guys who have never hit you before will often try it when you try to leave and he's controlling, so that is going to be a real risk. First he will accuse you of cheating and then he'll give you the treatment he thinks you as a cheater has coming. So you need to be careful and have a plan if you leave, and you should leave.

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I can appreciate what everyone is saying, but only I know him and he really is a great bf, other than this one issue. And I do think he’s capable of changing. He’s changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways. At one point I even thought this issue was behind us, but then after we started living together he started getting suspicious again, and that’s when he installed the security cameras and asking who all my friends were.

 

I think the main problem is just that he doesn’t know most of my friends, so he’s a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while he’s at work. I’m sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldn’t have this problem. Because I noticed that he didn’t start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

 

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but I’ve told him that he’s just an old friend from school and that he’s in a relationship, so I can’t understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didn’t seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

 

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this? :confused:

 

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. I am not justifying controlling behaviour much less abusive behaviour. BUT, what you just described--you having a guy friend come over a lot while he (your boyfriend) is at work all day, is something many many guys would have a problem with.

 

That you have other friends over too is hardly comforting. Why would your boyfriend have any reason to believe that they would get in the way of you getting w this guy friend. They are your friends not his!

 

MEanwhile you say "When he got home". Do you live together? Does he pay the bills for the both of you? That is another quite relevant detail. If I were working all day paying both of our bills while my girlfriend was at home entertaining friends I'd be quite unhappy with her too. Especially if one of said friends were a guy!

 

I am just wondering how your disagreements end up going down. And if there is emotional abuse or even worse, physical abuse, then you need to get the hell out of Dodge the previous paragraphs notwithstanding.

Edited by Imajerk17
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