Aaron 123 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hello, I'm new to this form and I wanted to get some advise on this situation. So my girlfriend of over 2 years has always hid her phone from me and if she ever got a notification she would quickly grab it and hold it in a way that I could not see her screen. I asked her one day if I could see her phone and she refused to show me or even let me hold her phone and says I might break it. She has a guy best friend that she has known for a few years and she will go over his house to play video games and hang out from time to time (from what she tells me). I have voiced how I feel about it to her but she says that he is just a friend and she will not stop going. I have asked if I could join them one day and she also refused to let me go. I have also heard that the guy she is hanging out with has feelings for her. Any opinions would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
caveman621 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 She is cheating on you. OR, at the very least, there is something or some things about her life she does not want you to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aaron 123 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 She is cheating on you. OR, at the very least, there is something or some things about her life she does not want you to know. She also does act like she cares about me and I have threatened to leave in the past because of some of these things and she burst into tears because I was thinking about ending the relationship. Would someone cheat if they seem to care so much? Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Two years, and a high level of secrecy, especially around this guy? After two years, being incorporated into the friends should have happened. I can understand her wanting "girls' night" or time out without you, even if it's just video games...you being there will change the dynamics, and she likes this video game time with her bud...but, you are aware there's an attraction and there is secrecy. After two years, you shouldn't be at arm's length and kept away from meeting this guy. Is she this secretive with her other platonic friends? They may not be sleeping together, but there's something there that crosses the line. You're very uncomfortable about the situation, and I think you need to pay attention to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aaron 123 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Two years, and a high level of secrecy, especially around this guy? After two years, being incorporated into the friends should have happened. I can understand her wanting "girls' night" or time out without you, even if it's just video games...you being there will change the dynamics, and she likes this video game time with her bud...but, you are aware there's an attraction and there is secrecy. After two years, you shouldn't be at arm's length and kept away from meeting this guy. Is she this secretive with her other platonic friends? They may not be sleeping together, but there's something there that crosses the line. You're very uncomfortable about the situation, and I think you need to pay attention to that. Okay, so I've met some of her friends and I have met this guy but she doesnt really hang out with any other people but him. We are about an hour and a half apart and I spend most of the week with her but I'm home for the weekends and they hang out on the weekends. Im 20 and she is 19 but she doesn't have a license so he usually picks her up. That is why she doesnt hang out with other people as much. Just giving some background. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I spend most of the week with her but I'm home for the weekends and they hang out on the weekends. She is certainly cheating on you with this guy, right under your nose. Would someone cheat if they seem to care so much? Re-phrase your question. Would someone seem to care so much if they were cheating on you? Yes, absolutely. If she gets caught she will certainly cry and be upset. She is enjoying her life, she has you during the week and her weekend lover at weekends. If you discovered her cheating and dumped her then her perfect life would come crashing down and she would definitely be upset by that. She cares deeply... about herself, and maintaining her way of life. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I too think she has 2 BFs -- you & this guy. If there was nothing going on you'd be welcome to play video games with them because that would be all they were playing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Indeed, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 You need to start hanging out at another girl's house over the weekends. Tell her its nothing, just friendship - you share your stamp collection with her, and spend the afternoon reading bible verses to each other. You know, comparative theology, that kind of thing. Do not invite her. She how she likes it. At the very least, it should make the transition from old gf to new gf a smooth one... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hello, I'm new to this form and I wanted to get some advise on this situation. So my girlfriend of over 2 years has always hid her phone from me and if she ever got a notification she would quickly grab it and hold it in a way that I could not see her screen. I asked her one day if I could see her phone and she refused to show me or even let me hold her phone and says I might break it. She has a guy best friend that she has known for a few years and she will go over his house to play video games and hang out from time to time (from what she tells me). I have voiced how I feel about it to her but she says that he is just a friend and she will not stop going. I have asked if I could join them one day and she also refused to let me go. I have also heard that the guy she is hanging out with has feelings for her. Any opinions would be great. Here's mine: People treat you the way they feel about you. Anyone who cannot/will not introduce you to someone they're spending a lot of time with, even though they're calling you their boy/girlfriend is someone who is not really 100% present in a relationship with you. That guy is higher on her priority list than you are. About the phone: I'm a lone voice on this one here, but unless you're paying her cell phone bill, it's none of your business who is contacting her on her phone and no you don't need to see it. You're not her dad. If your gut is telling you she's cheating, then that's all you need to go on to make a decision. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 (edited) About the phone: I'm a lone voice on this one here, but unless you're paying her cell phone bill, it's none of your business who is contacting her on her phone and no you don't need to see it. You're not her dad. If your gut is telling you she's cheating, then that's all you need to go on to make a decision. He said that when she gets a notification she will shield the phone when she checks to see who it's from. That's red flag behavior, and anyone who doesn't realize it as such is naive. While I've been in relationships phones were always left laying around face up, and nobody ever tried to keep the other from seeing a notification. Phones were often handed back and forth to view photographs or other content without any anxiety, and neither person ever took a phone and started clicking through it. I agree that nobody has an inherent right to go through someone else's phone, whether they're paying the bill or not (parents/children excepted). Some married couples may have an understanding but that's by agreement and not relevant here. Bottom line is, the phone guarding while going to great lengths to keep the two guys separate from one another is highly suspect. OP, if I were you I'd start rocking this boat––vigorously. Plan something for the weekends and see if she willingly chooses to spend time with you. I'd also figure out where she's spending nights on these weekends when you're not around. Is she always available to communicate by text or phone on weekend evenings, or does she go dark? Sometimes people do have purely platonic opposite sex friends, but more often it's something else... orbiters, backups, backdoor men, etc. You already have information that this is not platonic from the guy's perspective (per usual). Strength of attachment notwithstanding, I'd seriously consider whether you have enough self-respect to say NO to sharing your girlfriend with another guy. Edited March 5, 2018 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Maybe nothing physical has happened yet but she's cheating on you. I don't even think it's worth the time thinking of a possible alternative. Sorry, pal. Please don't take it out on the next woman. But make sure you move on to the next woman soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aaron 123 Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 Well thanks for the advise everyone. I had a feeling for the longest time and got her so upset over the situation about a month ago that she broke into tears thinking I was gonna end the relationship and I convinced myself that if she really cared that much then she wouldn't be cheating. I spent a lot of time with her and her family and her family never seen a problem with her hanging out with this other guy. Anyway now I know and I'm gonna talk to her about this. Thanks again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I'm not big on ultimatums but here they may be in order. 1. You get to hang out with him & her too. 2. She shows you her phone, not all the time but she needs to be a bit more transparent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 She has an orbiter, but she keeps him at arms length because she likes the "friendship" and palling around. She knows he would be visibly upset if she brought you around to hang out with this friend. She knows he likes her, but feels she has control over that and it should be ok. Maybe she keeps her phone close to her chest to hide the fact this person contacts her a lot, but the content of the messages are platonic. Anyways she's being a dummy thinking this is OK. There are times you need to adjust your interactions with the opposite sex when in a relationship out of respect. After 2 years...she ain't doing that. This should have been nipped in the bud right at the beginning or made it a deal breaker by the first week of dating....so I give you blame OP for letting her do this for so long. Now you are suck, heavily invested in this relationship with this issue still looming with a possible breakup. Don't let those tears fool you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 logically, why is dating you and not him? If he 'apparently' has feelings for her, and if she is THAT into him, why don't they date each other? Why bother with you at all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Well thanks for the advise everyone. I had a feeling for the longest time and got her so upset over the situation about a month ago that she broke into tears thinking I was gonna end the relationship and I convinced myself that if she really cared that much then she wouldn't be cheating. I spent a lot of time with her and her family and her family never seen a problem with her hanging out with this other guy. Anyway now I know and I'm gonna talk to her about this. Thanks again everyone. I know everyone has been so nice. And for the most part everyone is. Yes she is banging this guy, and even if she is not, which she is, you should have put a stop to it. What your post SHOULD say is that you are dumping her yesterday, no matter how much she cries. Having said that, please learn this lesson, you do not allow your GF to have other BF's, or obiters, or whatever. You just do not. You can be polite about it but if they need other men in their lives, then you won't be in their lives. I understand that you are young, but please try and understand that STRONG, CONFIDENT men, do not put up with this behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 (edited) He said that when she gets a notification she will shield the phone when she checks to see who it's from. That's red flag behavior, and anyone who doesn't realize it as such is naive. I don't believe I stuttered when I said: If your gut is telling you she's cheating, then that's all you need to go on to make a decision and, as always, my signature line spells it out: Edited March 5, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Well thanks for the advise everyone. I had a feeling for the longest time and got her so upset over the situation about a month ago that she broke into tears thinking I was gonna end the relationship and I convinced myself that if she really cared that much then she wouldn't be cheating. I spent a lot of time with her and her family and her family never seen a problem with her hanging out with this other guy. Anyway now I know and I'm gonna talk to her about this. Thanks again everyone. Here's my opinion about cheating and I will catch some hell for this but oh well. There are two types of cheaters in my opinion. One is the type that doesn't care enough or respect you or is just a jerk. They cheat because it makes them feel good and don't care about the mess it makes. The second type cheats because it makes them feel good but they DO care about the mess it makes. The second kind is more dangerous because they convince themselves that it's rational. They will actually FEEL bad when they are caught because they realize then the hurt they cause. And so they will hide it. Sometimes very well. So she can cry and beg and all that because she probably doesn't want to hurt you. But her own feelings of feeling attractive or whatever trump that. And eventually, she'll lose what little respect she has for you (if any) and leave anyway. My advice: don't wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 She is 19 and been dating you for 2 years. Her life evolves around playing video games, snapchats, instagram and FB. She doesn't want to stay home and wait for a boyfriend to entertain her, she wants to be out and about. You cannot control her and who she spends time with.You need to decide if you trust her or not. If you don't then move on to a more mature woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 (edited) There are two types of cheaters in my opinion. One is the type that doesn't care enough or respect you or is just a jerk. They cheat because it makes them feel good and don't care about the mess it makes. The second type cheats because it makes them feel good but they DO care about the mess it makes. Defining cheating in a broader sense, I think there is a third type... those who feel entitled to multiple opposite-sex relationships under the guise of platonic friends. These are validation-seekers who, like OP's girlfriend, encourage orbiters, fan club recruits, etc. to hang around for bit of attention, flirting, and titillation. These are often young women* who understand that the orbiters are attracted to them, and they revel in that type of attention because it bolsters their self-worth. They rationalize it as innocent and harmless as long as no actual intercourse occurs... and if they should happen to get drunk and bang an orbiter they'll rationalize that too. They insist that the primary boyfriend accept these secondary relationships, which provides further validation of their personal power and attractiveness. The secondary relationships are always at the expense of the primary. Young guys need to learn to walk away from these situations because it never turns out well. It's not circumstantial, it's inherent in the personality; a need that overrides healthy relationship behavior. *I'm sure there are guys who pull it off too, but the threads we see are always about women. It's easier for women because of the way sex drives are expressed in males and females. A guy who can attract them like that will actually be having sex with them. Edited March 5, 2018 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 She has an orbiter, but she keeps him at arms length because she likes the "friendship" and palling around. She knows he would be visibly upset if she brought you around to hang out with this friend. She knows he likes her, but feels she has control over that and it should be ok. Maybe she keeps her phone close to her chest to hide the fact this person contacts her a lot, but the content of the messages are platonic. Anyways she's being a dummy thinking this is OK. There are times you need to adjust your interactions with the opposite sex when in a relationship out of respect. After 2 years...she ain't doing that. This should have been nipped in the bud right at the beginning or made it a deal breaker by the first week of dating....so I give you blame OP for letting her do this for so long. Now you are suck, heavily invested in this relationship with this issue still looming with a possible breakup. Don't let those tears fool you. Couldn't have said it better. Exactly this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ItsJustMyOpinion Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Just become friends with benefits and let her have her fun while you have your fun. If you can't handle that, just break it off. A woman totally into you does not behave like this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 Okay, so I've met some of her friends and I have met this guy but she doesnt really hang out with any other people but him. We are about an hour and a half apart and I spend most of the week with her but I'm home for the weekends and they hang out on the weekends. Im 20 and she is 19 but she doesn't have a license so he usually picks her up. That is why she doesnt hang out with other people as much. Just giving some background. Are you saying none of her girlfriends have cars? Yes she is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Purrrfect Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I know from absolute experience. She’s cheating and hiding something from you. There is something on her phone she doesn’t want you to see. This is obvious. I found out a guy that I had been seeing off and on who I was smitten with was cheating on me. I should have known when he absolutely refused to let me use his phone when mine died. Turns out he had been seeing a friend of mine. This is a Huge red flag darling QUOTE=Aaron 123;7551073]Hello, I'm new to this form and I wanted to get some advise on this situation. So my girlfriend of over 2 years has always hid her phone from me and if she ever got a notification she would quickly grab it and hold it in a way that I could not see her screen. I asked her one day if I could see her phone and she refused to show me or even let me hold her phone and says I might break it. She has a guy best friend that she has known for a few years and she will go over his house to play video games and hang out from time to time (from what she tells me). I have voiced how I feel about it to her but she says that he is just a friend and she will not stop going. I have asked if I could join them one day and she also refused to let me go. I have also heard that the guy she is hanging out with has feelings for her. Any opinions would be great. Link to post Share on other sites
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