Chat chat chat

[Fair]

I'm starting to take this personally though I know I shouldn't. But is it just me or do most of you, if anything, end up with people who just want meaningless chat with no intention of trying to get to know you on online dating sites?

 

I can't tell you how many people I've been talking with about the weather. What's up with that? And I don't get it. I'm an attractive woman..... why wouldn't you want to get to know me, go on a date? Or are these guys and gals the weeds everyone has to wade through to get to someone who actually wants to date?

 

It's so maddening. To open a message just to find yet someone else just wants a chat partner. Why message someone when you just want to talk about the weather? Or to tell me that you're going to a hockey game? Or soccer? Or about your plans for the weekend? With no attempts to get to know me at all?

 

Am I getting a higher percentage of this than everyone else? Or does everyone else have this same, irritating problem?

[Shining One]

Am I getting a higher percentage of this than everyone else? Or does everyone else have this same, irritating problem?

I ran into lots of these. Of course, since I was talking to multiple women simultaneously, it was easy to weed these out quickly in favor of the women who wanted to meet quickly.

[Fair]

There are so few who want to meet or get to know me, or who ask for my number. Maybe one every two or three months or sometimes longer...

[Fair]

Why would they even bother to go online and waste their time and mine? Am I right in thinking most people are really hoping to meet someone IRL?

[Popsicle]

Say in your profile that you’re not looking for a pen pal or chat buddy.

[Fair]

Say in your profile that you’re not looking for a pen pal or chat buddy.

 

I just did that. Probably won't get any mail now.

[Shining One]

Have you suggested meeting up? If so, how did they respond?

 

Also, didn't you recently go through a situation in which the guy wanted to meet you, but you weren't ready to meet him?

[Fair]

Have you suggested meeting up? If so, how did they respond?

 

Also, didn't you recently go through a situation in which the guy wanted to meet you, but you weren't ready to meet him?

 

yes, and so he left me a nasty voicemail. It shouldn't have turned into a shipwreck but it did... And quite frankly, I think it was because he just wasn't interested enough. You don't get that impatient that quickly with someone over something trivial if you have enough interest. I couldn't help that I was sick at the time with a serious anxiety disorder.

 

Anyway what does this have to do with all the meaningless chat buddies I have to keep warding off in between people who are serious? Are you saying I better jump on whatever creep who does want to meet even if there's really nothing there? That it's my fault I'm not having any luck?

[Shining One]

Anyway what does this have to do with all the meaningless chat buddies I have to keep warding off in between people who are serious? Are you saying I better jump on whatever creep who does want to meet even if there's really nothing there? That it's my fault I'm not having any luck?

Not my point at all. I'm simply surprised that you are irritated by people not wanting to meet quickly when you were expecting people to not be irritated by you not wanting to meet quickly. I would never suggest jumping on just anyone who wants to meet.

 

You didn't answer my other questions. Did you suggest meeting up? If so, how did they respond?

[Fair]

I've never done that. It's also true that if you have to do the pursuing, as a woman, the guy isn't interested. So I wait for them to ask and they never do... never ask me much of anything. It's all just a bunch of dopes killing time.

[Fair]

My question was to ask how many other people have to put up with nothing but a lot of potential pen pal wannabe's? Is this common or do I need a better profile? Or is it my age? I'm in my 40's.

[LoverOfDance]

I don't understand - I thought you completely swore off online dating?

 

 

There are a lot of ppl online who just want to chat. Also, I would say that 80% of men on there don't know what they are looking for. This experience is not unique. It's part of the things a lot of ppl endure when online dating. I think the more you do it, the more you learn to save time and move on quickly from those who are kind of a waste of your time and energy.

[act00]

There is no rhyme or reason to it. We can't get in these guys'/girls' heads and know what they're doing, what they want, or what their reasoning is. It just is, and this is why we push meeting in person. If they hem-haw and can't make the time, this is when you jump ship. If they bail and cancel the first date, they get one more chance, then you jump ship. Don't text for days...then weeks...and the next thing you know, three months have gone by...NOPE...If they're that busy and that unavailable for a first date, this is just a precursor to the rest of your relationship. Every OLD that contacts you, suggest meeting right away. Totally okay to share some pleasantries and "get to know you" texts, but meet sooner over later. Rip off the Band-Aid.

[Shining One]

It's also true that if you have to do the pursuing, as a woman, the guy isn't interested. So I wait for them to ask and they never do... never ask me much of anything.

Suggesting that you meet up is not the same as pursuing. You can gauge their interest level by how they respond to your suggestion. If you suggest meeting up for a drink and the guy is for it, great. If you suggest it and the guy isn't enthusiastic or comes up with excuses, just drop him. At the very least, you would be wasting less time on them. This is how I dealt with the women who simply wanted to chat with me.

[Fair]

I don't understand - I thought you completely swore off online dating?

 

 

/QUOTE]

 

I get frustrated as hell with it, yes. Swear to swear off it for good... but there's no available men here. I'm in a rural community.

[Fair]

[quote=LoverOfDance;755014

 

 

There are a lot of ppl online who just want to chat. Also, I would say that 80% of men on there don't know what they are looking for.

 

This is so true. I keep running into Indiana Jones types in their 40's and 50's travelling the world and having 'adventures' and are not even settled, with no idea where they even want to end up living when they're done roaming... how the heck are they supposed to incorporate a relationship into their lives if that's the case?

[SevenCity]

This is so true. I keep running into Indiana Jones types in their 40's and 50's travelling the world and having 'adventures' and are not even settled, with no idea where they even want to end up living when they're done roaming... how the heck are they supposed to incorporate a relationship into their lives if that's the case?

 

That's funny you mention that as most of the women in NYC list "Travel" as their #1 interest. That's great, but my idea of establishing a meaningful relationship doesn't consist of "filling my passport". It's more than that though, they act as if they are better people because they have been to X counties. I don't care. Would rather have a woman who wants to make a loving home.

 

I would also recommend you ask to meet up. When I ask women this on the 3-4th message I find out quickly if they are a time waster. I either get no response, deleted, or an enthusiastic yes. The latter is what you want to focus on. Doesn't mean you are chasing, just determining if they are a time waster.

 

What you are doing now is not working; time to change it up.

[mortensorchid]

Idle chit chat is one thing, but you know that you are encountering a chatter if they don't offer a phone number outside of the website / app. If you have not been offered a phone number by the 4th/5th email, then the other party is not that interested. They are just looking for a chat buddy. And then once I met someone face to face years ago who said he was just looking for a texting buddy. I knew then this was a lost cause. All texts were from me and he responded, and then one day I thought "why am I bothering" and never contacted him again. And he never contacted me again.

 

It's what it is. It's annoying but it's what it is. I have given up on OLD as a means of meeting a decent person, see it as just something to do.

[Sbla22]

From experience I think you have to judge the right time to ask for the number/and or date with OLD. I used to spend way too long 'chatting' before doing this because I assumed the woman would decline my offer if I asked her after about an hour of talking for the first time!

 

Now my standard approach is talk to a woman online for maybe a day, 2 days max of a few lengthy messages which establish the basics e.g where you are from, work, kids or not, educated? Some interests? If all those sound ok then I will say 'do you mind texting instead? My number is....no worries if not.' At that point I feel like it's win/win. If she doesn't give her number she is flaky and not that interested in meeting. If she does then great. 9/10 times when I ask for the number they give it because enough initial connection has been made. Then I usually try and set a date within a few more phone texting messages.

 

But a lot of guys don't understand this - they think women want you to spend weeks chatting so they can rule you out of being a creep/serial killer. That's what I used to think! Problem is no woman will ever ask you for a date first. If more did then you wouldn't get these constant pointless chatting all the time.

[Popsicle]

My question was to ask how many other people have to put up with nothing but a lot of potential pen pal wannabe's? Is this common or do I need a better profile? Or is it my age? I'm in my 40's.

 

To answer your question, no, I've never had to deal with this but I had it in my profile that I wasn't looking for a pen pal, and that seemed to work. My profile was also brief and not wordy and I think that puts the chatty-chatters off. On the flip side, though, I attracted a lot of the ones that just say "Hi" and that's it. If I found them attractive, I would just respond back with "Hi" as well.

 

I do need a little more than "Hi" in order to give a guy my number though. Just not a lot more or I will get bored and think he's a time waster.

[Fair]

That's funny you mention that as most of the women in NYC list "Travel" as their #1 interest. That's great, but my idea of establishing a meaningful relationship doesn't consist of "filling my passport". It's more than that though, they act as if they are better people because they have been to X counties. I don't care. Would rather have a woman who wants to make a loving home.

.

 

I agree. And this has got to be the most annoying thing ever... EVERYONE is a traveler now just because they're all trying to keep up with the Joneses... comparing vacations, competing and bragging about how many countries they've been to... GAG. I couldn't care less where you've been! It's a turn off... so pretentious! Always trying to express their superiority over you... and it's always the first thing out of their mouths. Why should I be impressed about a place I've never seen... it doesn't mean anything. You just look like a braggart.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Fair

[Popsicle]

This is so true. I keep running into Indiana Jones types in their 40's and 50's travelling the world and having 'adventures' and are not even settled, with no idea where they even want to end up living when they're done roaming... how the heck are they supposed to incorporate a relationship into their lives if that's the case?

 

I think they want someone to go on adventures with them.

 

Fiver or ten+ years ago, when I was in the midst of doing the family thing, I would find this a turn off too. Now that I'm about to be a free agent with my kids leaving the house, I find this appealing. I want to go on adventures.

[act00]

My question was to ask how many other people have to put up with nothing but a lot of potential pen pal wannabe's? Is this common or do I need a better profile? Or is it my age? I'm in my 40's.

 

Second post, since I didn't really answer your direct question the first time. I'm also in my 40s. Yes, I have encountered the perpetual texter. Weeks, even months go by, no date or one date, maybe two with an expansive length of time in between, and I am embarrassed admitting I hung on for so long. They seem interested...no date is forthcoming. I experienced this enough that I'm done. No meet, no text. If a date isn't forthcoming within a week or two, I'm out. I'm not doing this texting thing for weeks at a time anymore.

 

I don't know that it's more common among our age bracket. I don't think it is. I don't think it's your age or your profile or that you're doing anything wrong. I think that some men just like the IDEA of dating and relationship, just not actually DOING it. At our age, there's baggage, fear, divorce, kids, and things that get in the way, but if someone is ready to take the plunge, they'll ask you out, and they'll make the time. The whole point of a dating site is to DATE. It's a useful tool to meet people since we're all busy with our lives and don't necessarily get out much.

 

So my only advice is to determine your own comfort zone on how long to text/talk before meeting in person and drop the rope if a date isn't forthcoming, and of course express your desire to meet in person. If they're too busy, there's no time to date anyway, so hit me up when your life slows down.

[SevenCity]

I agree. And this has got to be the most annoying thing ever... EVERYONE is a traveler now just because they're all trying to keep up with the Joneses... comparing vacations, competing and bragging about how many countries they've been to... GAG. I couldn't care less where you've been! It's a turn off... so pretentious! Always trying to express their superiority over you... and it's always the first thing out of their mouths. Why should I be impressed about a place I've never seen... it doesn't mean anything. You just look like a braggart.

 

Finally someone who gets it!

 

It's the pretentiousness of it all that annoys me most. I can't count how many pics I've seen of Matchu Picchu, the Effel tower, or this particular phone booth in England. It's like all the online daters book a trip so they can add one more pic to the profile.

 

One chick I went out with recently almost fell on the floor when I said I've never been to Europe. She liked me a lot but almost started to get upset and lecture me because I wasnt a world traveler. I could see the internal struggle she was having because she found me a humorous attractive guy but ultimately ghosted me due to my lack of "wanderlust".

 

If people want to travel, more power to them. But it's the inability to accept people who don't which completely turns me off.

[SevenCity]

I think they want someone to go on adventures with them.

 

Fiver or ten+ years ago, when I was in the midst of doing the family thing, I would find this a turn off too. Now that I'm about to be a free agent with my kids leaving the house, I find this appealing. I want to go on adventures.

 

I never had kids and still don't want to travel.