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Red flags all over??


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 7th March 2018, 8:03 PM   #76
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Lets put aside the fact she is travelling with a male friend for a moment and look at the rest of the relationship.

She is surrounded by males, her best friend is male, her room mate is male and she is chummy with her ex and is planning on meeting him this summer. All this make OP feel less of a man. He doesn't feel 'special' as a boyfriend should. He feels like he's just another dude revolving around her and he's feeling like this only 3 months into dating her. For that only he should break up and find a better suited partner.
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:16 PM   #77
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I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.
Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.
I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.
They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.
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Old 7th March 2018, 11:49 PM   #78
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lol ... spooning with buddies ... reminds me of this line from the Steve Martin/John Candy classic:

"Del, where are your hands?"

"Between two pillows!"

"THOSE ... AREN'T ... PILLOWS!"
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Old 8th March 2018, 5:47 AM   #79
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They spoon. That, and he is the one that gets to judge whether or not her current boyfriend is "worthy" and warned him that this snuggle buddy might be sullen and rude as he is making his assessment...just so ya' know.

If your BF and your friend's GF are totally okay with you and your guy friend sharing a room, sharing a bed, and spooning and snuggling, all the power to you. I would say a majority of the people have a hard "no" on that one.

She is very descriptive of all her past sexual antics and snuggles with a teddy bear her ex gave her and made it very clear of such, and is planning to meet another ex (or the same one, who knows). We're not talking about one uncomfortable and sketchy incident, we're talking about many, and I think most people aren't so much vilifying her, as much as they're saying this girl isn't for you and she's a bit on the immature side with few boundaries. Maybe some dude will come along and be totally okay with flirting, snuggling, and spooning, and having all kinds of admiring orbiters around.

At no point is she taking measures to create a trustful set of circumstances. She's going about life like "this is just how I am, take it or leave it," which is fine, and the OP should probably leave it. After she loses one or two boyfriends she's genuinely interested in over this behavior, maybe she'll realize that these loose boundaries aren't really working and she'll make a change. Or not.
OP said his Gf mentioned that her and her friend once spooned.
Doesn’t mean they are doing that now - especially since she is in a relationship now. Spooning with another person when you’re in a relationship is kinda a no go, isn’t it.
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:45 AM   #80
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.
Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.
I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.
You're making this thread into an indictment against you when your situation and OP's situation are a universe apart. We're choosing not to be her apologist.

Quote:
she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me".

she told me "we are traveling around, so I don't know if we got seperate rooms or even seperate beds in all places, but that dosen't matter".

she just sent me a snap of the room with a queen bed where she and her friend will be sleeping, and added "We didn't get seperate beds wich we asked about .. oh well".

she kept being nasty to me and telling me how I have to trust her and it's totally normal to do this ..

She just hung up the phone in the end ..
Did you do any of this with your boyfriend? That's what makes your situation non sequitur to this one.

She's got a funky attitude about this which she's using to torment OP. That's why she's being dragged.

This friend of hers' feelings are way more important to her than her own boyfriend. The fact that his approval is needed and she runs to him whenever she and OP have a disagreement also makes this situation different from yours.
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:53 PM   #81
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These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.
This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:19 PM   #82
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That many guys and there is NOOOOO sex? Riiiight. And I have some beachfront property here in Arizona as well....lol

She has guys lined up like the bullets in a magazine. Or the pins in a bowling match. Or books with the Dewey decimal system. You get the point....
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:20 PM   #83
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Originally Posted by Sundra1 View Post
These things alone would not be too much cause for alarm, but all these things together!? I could pick apart little things here and there like other people above have done, but my biggest concern is that there are so many things, and they all revolve around holding onto relationships with other men that were more than platonic.
This girl sounds like she has some serious insecurity issues, and I would guess daddy issues. Trust me, you want out of this one. If you play it smart, she may come to you when she is ready for something, but one thing I can tell you for now is no matter what she says, she is not ready for a relationship. Get out early and preserve your relationship or ride it out and I am sure you will not be happy with the result.
Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:26 PM   #84
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Hey man sex is sex. Let it go. You did outstanding! No just ghost her...That will be the Achilles heel for her. She is an attention addict. And by leaving a giant vacuum to suck on will knock her down a peg or two. Really.

Now, 1 more text so you don't have to see her. Or the simp who is willing to go retrieve her sh*t. Tell her you are leaving it outside by the mail or something...Not your drama anymore...
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:41 PM   #85
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.
Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naïveté rather than “red flag” or instability

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.


Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.
I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.
For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

I'm sorry but I (and about every other heterosexual man out there) would NOT be OK with this if I were the boyfriend, and I would STRONGLY encourage every other guy to not be OK with this either.

And just the same, a woman should NOT be OK with her boyfriend sleeping in the same bed with another woman.

What is with the younger generation and this whole Cuddle Buddies thing? Jeeze Louize!
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Last edited by Imajerk17; 8th March 2018 at 3:44 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:50 PM   #86
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Originally Posted by SerPundnes View Post
Again, thank you all! Your opinions, experiences and thoughts matter to me!

I haven't responded to any of her texts the last three days. But she just sent me a message saying "It would be nice if you answered so I know if I have to get someone to pick up my bag at your place".

My response: Yeah, get someone to pick up your bag.

I feel some kind of relief, at the same time I feel like puking .. All I can think about now is that she ignores me and thinks "oh well, now I'll definitely have sex with my best friend! Screw him!" ..
You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:59 PM   #87
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Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.
I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.
Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.

Last edited by ARAMCOMAN; 8th March 2018 at 4:02 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:03 PM   #88
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Drop her stuff off - this is action you can take instead of leaving it up to her to send someone over.

This is you taking control and getting it finalized in your terms, not hers.


She knew it was unacceptable - that's why she asked... she's just surprised now that you state it's over.

Expect drama from her - do not respond. Only text after you drop off re stuff - text that her crap is in her apt. That's it - no more.
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:05 PM   #89
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Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
You have her key. As someone suggested, leave her bag in her apartment and leave her key. Lock the door. Then move on.

Your response and her "stuff" is only going to foster an unhealthy back and forth.

I understand you are angry and hurt but keeping a lifeline going is only going to keep you in limbo and in pain and possibly risk your moving on.
I just told her to get someone to pick it up, so I don't have to see her when delivering it to her on the airport. I thought I did good?
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:06 PM   #90
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Originally Posted by ARAMCOMAN View Post
Just by her reply she knows that what she is going to or has already done is a big relationship no no, and she is testing you to see if you have the gonads to stand up for yourself. Which you did. Congrats.
I know breakups are hard but you need to find someone who has common sense enough to realise that going on a vacation with another man, sharing a room, sleeping in the same bed, sending you pics of the bed, laughing about it, telling you that's the way it is so screw your feelings & hanging up on you while discussing the issue is a relationship killer.
Maybe her best boyfriend can be her bitch, you just showed her that you won't.
Yeah, I also think she was "testing" me to see if I'd buldge.

She really has been horrible to me, and I can't understand how I accept it ..
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