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Red flags all over??


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 5th March 2018, 11:20 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by SerPundnes View Post
Could you tell me a bit about the situation you were in? Really want to hear. PM me if that's better.
In college I dated a girl who lived with 3 male "friends." I had my reservations, but didn't want to "act like a dad" about it. We'd all hang out, have keg parties at their place, etc. One night at said party, I saw her in the hall going at it with one of the roommates. They didn't see me, and I didn't make a scene. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I never would have known it had ever happened, because no one ever revealed it or acted like anything had ever happened. I was an idiot back then (and sometimes now) and stayed with her for another month before she broke up with me.

After college I hung out with a guy who was a manager at Abercrombie & Fitch. He and the other floor models or whatever they were called were friends and he was friends with their significant others. We all partied a good bit. If there was ever a situation where the girls significant others weren't in attendance, this dude was banging them that night and then hanging out like nothing had happened the next week with said significant other. I asked him once if he was scared of any of them finding out, and he said he wasn't the only one in the group doing such. "Where do you think the significant other was that night?"

Oh, and finally, I have been "the best friend" before. I was an neighbor of a girl and we used to fool around in college. I moved after college to the same city she was now in. I called her up, we met up for dinner and kissed a bit. A week or so later she introduced me to her boyfriend, an older guy who raced Porsches on the weekends occasionally, as one of her good friends from college. About a month later, he was gone, we went out to a club and ended up back at his place where we slept together in his bed. They stayed together about 2 years after that. We all hung out probably 5 or 6 times after that incident. Yeah, not my proudest moment. I'm pretty sure he was fooling around on her too.

Maybe not apples to apples, but to me, unless you're already a dude with a lot of female friends, you won't be able to have a serious relationship with a woman with a lot of male friends.

Last edited by rightondude; 5th March 2018 at 11:34 PM..
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Old 6th March 2018, 1:59 PM   #62
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She sent me an SMS earlier today telling me she finally arrived at the hotel and even started being funny: And I even got my own bathroom! ..
And that she missed me and wanted me to be there.
I haven't responded to that SMS, and don't think I will, I have no idea how to respond to it anyway ..

You are all right, and thank you all for helping me with this.

Sometimes it's hard to see for myself, and hard listening to people outside the relationship, but I'm pretty sure I know how to handle this now.
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Old 6th March 2018, 5:36 PM   #63
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Personally, I think radio silence is appropriate now....you need, need, need to preserve your dignity and self worth...hanging in there will do nothing positive for you. I agree with the earlier poster, drop her stuff off at her place, locking the key inside...she'll fully understand when she returns.
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Old 6th March 2018, 5:38 PM   #64
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Personally, I think radio silence is appropriate now....you need, need, need to preserve your dignity and self worth...hanging in there will do nothing positive for you. I agree with the earlier poster, drop her stuff off at her place, locking the key inside...she'll fully understand when she returns.
Serpundnes, this will be in your best interest. Seeing her will likely cause you to cave if she is given the chance to talk you into staying. You are in a vulnerable position.

Self-preservation during this time is important.
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Old 7th March 2018, 3:50 PM   #65
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Serpundnes, this will be in your best interest. Seeing her will likely cause you to cave if she is given the chance to talk you into staying. You are in a vulnerable position.

Self-preservation during this time is important.
Yes, I think you are right.

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

I feel so weak, haha ..

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.
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Old 7th March 2018, 3:53 PM   #66
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Y
I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.
Then do that if it helps you cut the tie to her. I think at this point you should be reflecting on your past relationships and you should use that to motivate you to break the cycle of staying with unhealthy partners.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:12 PM   #67
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Yes you are being weak...

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Originally Posted by SerPundnes View Post
Yes, I think you are right.

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

I feel so weak, haha ..

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.
Yes you are being weak...

It really is time to man up and dump her, yesterday.

And when you dump her, block her, because she will say what is up???

Why, I did not sleep with him. And if you believe that you are a fool.

She is banging him morning, noon and night. I mean let's be real.

Dude, you have to end this and reclaim your self respect...
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:14 PM   #68
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Then do that if it helps you cut the tie to her. I think at this point you should be reflecting on your past relationships and you should use that to motivate you to break the cycle of staying with unhealthy partners.
Is it a lot of stuff? If not, ship it & txt her the tracking #, say goodbye & good luck and block her.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:37 PM   #69
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Just curious, do you think I'm to blame here aswell? As I didn't mention that I was uncomfortable with it til yesterday.

The last few weeks I really haven't thought about it much, but yesterday it all really hit me, espacily when she sent me the snap of the bed they were gonna share ..
^^This just sealed the deal. Who in the F*ck takes a picture of the humping bed?! I mean....Seriously!

She is on the C*ck carousel and you are the social janitor there to get the clean up duty...Hell no. Bail my friend.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:57 PM   #70
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Originally Posted by SerPundnes View Post
Yes, I think you are right.

I feel so hopeless, because I don't want to send her a text saying I'm done, because then I'm starting to think about her having sex with her friend on their vacation .. Although, she might be doing that already ..

I feel so weak, haha ..

I really just want to drop all her stuff off at her mothers place and be done with it.
Do this.

You're not weak. The fact you're here and not sitting around waiting on her next phone call or text says that you're far from weak.

Everyone feels unsure of a good decision when they want to take a destructive course because of the familiarity of it, but give it a few months and you'll see that it was the best decision you've ever made in your young life.

In the future, you will be able to smell this effery from 500 paces and know how to avoid it.
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:14 PM   #71
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The second I read "they spoon," was the second I determined this relationship with this "friend" is more than "friend." Let me ask you this, OP. In your life experience and with people you know, how many platonic friends spoon? Do you spoon with any of your platonic friends? Do you spoon with your buds? Do any of your dude friends spoon with each other? Do you spoon with your guy friends if ever you end up sleeping in the same bed? Do you think that if you're taking a trip and you have to share a room and a bed with your guy friend, you'll snuggle up and spoon?

That's your answer.
^^I missed this post! Hilarious. The mental movie taking place right now is just killing me. ROFL!!!!

"Hey guys, the wife's working late yet again...Wanna come over and watch Law and Order? We can spoon..." Bwhahaahha
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:40 PM   #72
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Did you drop off her stuff yet?
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:20 PM   #73
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I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.
Nothing happened. He’s like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friend’s girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and that’s it.

She may overshare about her past relationships and that’s a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naÔvetť rather than “red flag” or instability

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - it’s her life.

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.


Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.
I mean yeah - it’s his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.
For what it’s worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.

Last edited by heavenonearth; 7th March 2018 at 6:28 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:17 PM   #74
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I went on vacation with my best friend and we slept in the same bed.
Nothing happened. Heís like a brother to me. There is no sexual attraction between us. He has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend.
My boyfriend likes my best friend and vice versa. I like my best friendís girlfriend and vice versa. Everyone gets along great.

I think you can not generalize these things and have to evaluate these sort of relationships on a case to case basis. But truly some people of the opposite sex really are just friends - and thatís it.

She may overshare about her past relationships and thatís a bit weird. But i have in the past done that as well and it speaks more about emotional openness and a bit naÔvetť rather than ďred flagĒ or instability

I really think that if you do not trust your girlfriend then you may not have much of a future. But i would not forbid her to have a best friend or go on the vacation with her best friend - itís her life.

Most people on this forum are very conservative when it comes to same sex friendships opposite. But it depends on each and every individual person.


Edit: just read the rest of the thread and - wow, i am amazed by the sheer herd mentality. There is literally zero proof that this girl is cheating on him.
I mean yeah - itís his choice if he wants to be with someone who decides to go on a vacation with a opposite sex friend - but to vilify this woman calling her a liar and cheater without proof - that goes a bit too far.
For what itís worth, she may just be enjoying her vacation with her friend, truly missing her boyfriend.
People are just basing their opinion on their own experiences, much like you are. Sure, you had a friend that you didn't sleep with, even though the two of you went on vacation together. But it seems that most people have experienced the less honest version.

Your friend is also in a relationship, which I'm guessing isn't the case here. You also have a relationship dynamic established with your guy's girlfriend. And can you say that no one was ever jealous at any point but just put up with it anyway? What steps did you take to make sure your boyfriend was comfortable with your relationship with your guy?

I have a girl who is friend and we went on a couple vacations too...and we hooked up the whole time. We did that off and on as long as we've known each other depending on the serious of other relationships. Guys and girls have been uncomfortable with our relationship...and some of that was founded.

This girl has a judging guy friend who is spooning her in bed later tonight. They have made zero effort to establish trust and friendship between the guy friend and the boyfriend. She knows her boyfriend is uncomfortable with it and yet has only poked at his jealousy instead of doing anything reassuring. She makes comments about getting spooned by a guy who is nothing but a stranger to her boyfriend. Red Flag

This guy sees the flags and doesn't trust this girl...as he shouldn't, since she's done nothing to build that trust.
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:21 PM   #75
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People are just basing their opinion on their own experiences, much like you are. Sure, you had a friend that you didn't sleep with, even though the two of you went on vacation together. But it seems that most people have experienced the less honest version.

Your friend is also in a relationship, which I'm guessing isn't the case here. You also have a relationship dynamic established with your guy's girlfriend. And can you say that no one was ever jealous at any point but just put up with it anyway? What steps did you take to make sure your boyfriend was comfortable with your relationship with your guy?

I have a girl who is friend and we went on a couple vacations too...and we hooked up the whole time. We did that off and on as long as we've known each other depending on the serious of other relationships. Guys and girls have been uncomfortable with our relationship...and some of that was founded.

This girl has a judging guy friend who is spooning her in bed later tonight. They have made zero effort to establish trust and friendship between the guy friend and the boyfriend. She knows her boyfriend is uncomfortable with it and yet has only poked at his jealousy instead of doing anything reassuring. She makes comments about getting spooned by a guy who is nothing but a stranger to her boyfriend. Red Flag

This guy sees the flags and doesn't trust this girl...as he shouldn't, since she's done nothing to build that trust.

I am just saying i find this vilification of the girl quite extreme.
Not saying him wanting to end it is not justified - to each their own.
I would be also overwhelmed and dissatisfied were i in his shoes.
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