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Red flags all over??


SerPundnes

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Hi,

 

I've been dating a girl for about 3 months now and things are going pretty ok.

But as I've been getting to know her I have realized she has alot of guy friends.

 

I'm not a very jealous guy, but the things she has told me really makes me uncomfortable:

 

- She is leaving on a 2 weeks vacation with a guy she calls her bestfriend next week. She has told me nothing has happend between them, other than some spooning.

 

- She talks with one of her exes some, and are planning to meet him this summer.

 

- She has a 3-room appartment and has told one of her guy friends that they could move in to the guest room she has. I asked about this and for her it sounded like the most natural thing in the world, like "I have no problem sharing my appartment and living with someone here".

 

- She sleeps with a teddy bear her ex got her, like everyday. She says it makes her feel safe. I told her I thought it was weird, but she wasn't willing to do anything about it.

 

- She has told me alot about her sex experiences with other guys, like I wanna hear that? No thanks!

 

- The other night she spent the night over, we had a small fight, she leaves the bedroom to go call her bestfriend (same guy shes going on 2 weeks vacation with). The next day we were good friends again, but a bit quiet both of us, her bestfriend called and she lights up like a star! "Helloooo!".

 

I guess I don't really feel special to her when she gets all this attention from all these other guys.

 

Is this all in my head, or does this sound strange to you guys?

 

Thanks for any repsonse!

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Some of it is Ok but some of it is absolutely not cool, like the vacation with her buddy. Have you met this guy? Were you invited on the vacation? She may have made the plans before she met you; heck I just booked a vacation for DH & I for Christmas & New Years but I'd be uneasy if I were you. When you combine it with everything else, I would not hold out much hope that nothing will happen between her & this guy while they are away together. If you are OK with a non-monogamous relationship, carry on. Otherwise, do what feels right to you.

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Some of it is Ok but some of it is absolutely not cool, like the vacation with her buddy. Have you met this guy? Were you invited on the vacation? She may have made the plans before she met you; heck I just booked a vacation for DH & I for Christmas & New Years but I'd be uneasy if I were you. When you combine it with everything else, I would not hold out much hope that nothing will happen between her & this guy while they are away together. If you are OK with a non-monogamous relationship, carry on. Otherwise, do what feels right to you.

 

Thanks for the response!

 

I have not met this guy. They planned the trip like right before she met me, that's why I don't think I have anything to say about it, agreed?

 

She told me a little about this guy, and she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me. He cares about me that way".

 

At this point I'm not holding much hope for this relationship. I think her and my view of what a relationship is is totally different.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Hi,

 

I've been dating a girl for about 3 months now and things are going pretty ok.

But as I've been getting to know her I have realized she has a lot of guy friends.

 

I'm not a very jealous guy, but the things she has told me really makes me uncomfortable:

 

- She is leaving on a 2 weeks vacation with a guy she calls her best friend next week. She has told me nothing has happened between them, other than some spooning.

 

- She talks with one of her exes some, and are planning to meet him this summer.

 

- She has a 3-room apartment and has told one of her guy friends that they could move into the guest room she has. I asked about this and for her, it sounded like the most natural thing in the world, like "I have no problem sharing my apartment and living with someone here".

 

- She sleeps with a teddy bear her ex-got her, like every day. She says it makes her feel safe. I told her I thought it was weird, but she wasn't willing to do anything about it.

 

- She has a lot a lot abosexualher sexual experiences with other guys like I wanna hear that? No thanks!

 

- The other night she spent the night over, we had a small fight, she leaves the bedroom to go best friends friend (sashe'suy she's going on 2 weeks vacation with). The next day we were good friends again, but a bit quiet both of best first friend called and she lights up like a star! "Helloooo!".

 

I guess I don't really feel special to her when she gets all this attention from all these other guys.

 

Is this all in my head, or does this sound strange to you guys?

 

Thanks fresponsresponse!

I think the thing about her relaying details of her previous sexual experience is not ok under any circumstances. I've had exes do that. It makes you feel like what you have is no more different or special than what they've had before. It also makes me feel like more of a friend than the partner that they're going out with and it also makes me feel disrespected and kinda gross.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Hi,

 

I've been dating a girl for about 3 months now and things are going pretty ok.

But as I've been getting to know her I have realized she has a lot of guy friends.

 

I'm not a very jealous guy, but the things she has told me really makes me uncomfortable:

 

- She is leaving on a 2 weeks vacation with a guy she calls her best friend next week. She has told me nothing has happened between them, other than some spooning.

 

- She talks with one of her exes some, and are planning to meet him this summer.

 

- She has a 3-room apartment and has told one of her guy friends that they could move into the guest room she has. I asked about this and for her, it sounded like the most natural thing in the world, like "I have no problem sharing my apartment and living with someone here".

 

- She sleeps with a teddy bear her ex-got her, like every day. She says it makes her feel safe. I told her I thought it was weird, but she wasn't willing to do anything about it.

 

- She has a lot a lot abosexualher sexual experiences with other guys like I wanna hear that? No thanks!

 

- The other night she spent the night over, we had a small fight, she leaves the bedroom to go best friends friend (sashe'suy she's going on 2 weeks vacation with). The next day we were good friends again, but a bit quiet both of best first friend called and she lights up like a star! "Helloooo!".

 

I guess I don't really feel special to her when she gets all this attention from all these other guys.

 

Is this all in my head, or does this sound strange to you guys?

 

Thanks fresponsresponse!

I think the thing about her relaying details of her previous sexual experience is not ok under any circumstances. I've had exes do that. It makes you feel like what you have is no more different or special than what they've had before. It also makes me feel like more of a friend than the partner that they're going out with and it also makes me feel disrespected and kinda gross. Are they saying what they've had previously was better than what they are getting with you? It's not acceptable.

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Loads of red flags.

 

Why would you need to earn the approval of another man to date her?

 

No thank you on all fronts - I'd end it with anyone that needs to vacation with opposite sex while dating someone else.

 

She's bad news all around.

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I think the thing about her relaying details of her previous sexual experience is not ok under any circumstances. I've had exes do that. It makes you feel like what you have is no more different or special than what they've had before. It also makes me feel like more of a friend than the partner that they're going out with and it also makes me feel disrespected and kinda gross. Are they saying what they've had previously was better than what they are getting with you? It's not acceptable.

 

Yes, exactly! I feel like "less of a man" .. Like I got nothing to give her. Nothing is special when I know shes been trying it all before.

 

She says sometimes "We have to try this or that, I really like that when it has happend before"

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Loads of red flags.

 

Why would you need to earn the approval of another man to date her?

 

No thank you on all fronts - I'd end it with anyone that needs to vacation with opposite sex while dating someone else.

 

She's bad news all around.

 

She explained that to me so I wouldn't have to worry .. Loads of bull, if you ask me.

 

And about the 2 weeks vacation she told me "we are traveling around, so I don't know if we got seperate rooms or even seperate beds in all places, but that dosen't matter".

 

I feel really uncomfortable about the whole thing, not just the vacation, although that's 90% of it ..

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She keeps throwing a load of crap your way to see how much you'll endure.

 

Why stay with her? You could've dating someone who hands you

Peace of mind - not all her bs.

 

Date someone who doesn't play all these games that are designed to see how much you'll put up with.

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She keeps throwing a load of crap your way to see how much you'll endure.

 

Why stay with her? You could've dating someone who hands you

Peace of mind - not all her bs.

 

Date someone who doesn't play all these games that are designed to see how much you'll put up with.

 

You think that's what shes doing?

If that's the case, I think she knows I put up with alot .. Oh my ..

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She told me a little about this guy, and she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me. He cares about me that way".

 

 

Have you asked her what would happen if her friend said he didn't like you? Think carefully before continuing a relationship like this... you will find yourself jumping through hoops set up by her orbiters. Then, you will find she was banging them all along...

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Have you asked her what would happen if her friend said he didn't like you? Think carefully before continuing a relationship like this... you will find yourself jumping through hoops set up by her orbiters. Then, you will find she was banging them all along...

 

That's a very good point! I just asked about it and waiting for a respone, haha.

 

Yeah, these orbiters can cause trouble for me, I guess ..

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Is her friend that she is going on holiday with gay? That would explain a lot.

 

If not...I dont think I would be able to stay in a relationship like this.

 

You should be her priority for living together, going on holiday etc.

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Is her friend that she is going on holiday with gay? That would explain a lot.

 

If not...I dont think I would be able to stay in a relationship like this.

 

You should be her priority for living together, going on holiday etc.

 

Neither the friend that's going on vacation with her or the friend that was offered the guest room is gay ..

 

I asked her what she would do if her best friend didn't approve me, she told me "I have never listened to him, but in the end he is allways right" ..

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Neither the friend that's going on vacation with her or the friend that was offered the guest room is gay ..

 

I asked her what she would do if her best friend didn't approve me, she told me "I have never listened to him, but in the end he is allways right" ..

 

There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

 

You have noticed the red flags... you know what to do.

 

3 months is not that long really. Find someone who appreciates you for you.

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There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

 

You have noticed the red flags... you know what to do.

 

3 months is not that long really. Find someone who appreciates you for you.

 

Yeah, I have seen the red flags thanks to earlier relationships .. Haha, every one of them is a learning experience.

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Only juveniles run their relationships past committees for approval.

 

If she's not grown enough to make up her own mind and exercise her own judgement, then leave her alone. There is always going to be someone not in the relationship who has veto power and there is nothing you can do about it--she's going to listen to them no matter how you feel or what you say.

 

Continue at your own stubborn peril.

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Only juveniles run their relationships past committees for approval.

 

If she's not grown enough to make up her own mind and exercise her own judgement, then leave her alone. There is always going to be someone not in the relationship who has veto power and there is nothing you can do about it--she's going to listen to them no matter how you feel or what you say.

 

Continue at your own stubborn peril.

 

That's a very good point, haven't thought about it like that ..

You think she will listen to her best friend even though she says she never has listened to him?

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CommittedToThis

OP, I learned this the hard way so please listen up.

 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. End of story.

 

You have valid concerns. Something's not adding up. You're on edge about this woman. You smell BS.

 

You've gotta trust that gut feeling, my friend. I would strongly consider leaving this one with her BFF.

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That's a very good point, haven't thought about it like that ..

You think she will listen to her best friend even though she says she never has listened to him?

 

According to you, she also said:

- The other night she spent the night over, we had a small fight, she leaves the bedroom to go call her bestfriend (same guy shes going on 2 weeks vacation with).

 

She told me a little about this guy, and she said "when you meet him, don't be afraid that he is not talking too much with you, because he is observing you to see if you're a good match for me. He cares about me that way".

For someone who's not gay or not related to her, this is a bit too intrusive.

 

She's running you by his committee. He's in your relationship and he's directing traffic--she says she doesn't listen to him, but what is she doing when she's on the phone with him? Playing drums? How is your name even in his mouth?

 

His observations about you have no weight in your relationship--or they shouldn't have any weight. She should be grown enough to know if you and she can make a go of this or not. She doesn't need him holding her hand or wiping her behind over it. Either you're good enough or you're not.

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The second I read "they spoon," was the second I determined this relationship with this "friend" is more than "friend." Let me ask you this, OP. In your life experience and with people you know, how many platonic friends spoon? Do you spoon with any of your platonic friends? Do you spoon with your buds? Do any of your dude friends spoon with each other? Do you spoon with your guy friends if ever you end up sleeping in the same bed? Do you think that if you're taking a trip and you have to share a room and a bed with your guy friend, you'll snuggle up and spoon?

 

That's your answer.

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mortensorchid

Too many red flags here. If only one of those things were happening, there is room for doubt, but all of those things? No way. I'd get out while the getting is still good.

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rightondude

this would have to be some bomb ass booty for me to even consider spending one more second in this mixed up situation. These dudes hanging around are most certainly either waiting to, have already, or still are, messing around with this woman. You will never have piece of mind in this relationship.

 

You have to be someone who already has a lot of "women friends" prior to getting into a situation like this. Then everyone basically sleazes around the whole time. If you're a novice normal dude (like me, and I have been in your situation and tried rationalizing it the whole time, driving myself crazy) it WILL NOT work out.

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Why do you want to date anyone that's doing these things to you and that is setting you up to seek approval from a man that hovering to see if he approves of you?

 

No.can.do... ditch this one.

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"I have not met this guy. They planned the trip like right before she met me, that's why I don't think I have anything to say about it, agreed?"

 

She made the plans when she didn't have a BF. Now that she has a BF - that being you, then any sensible partner would have canceled said plans. If not she is not relationship material

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