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Time to move on?


penangtravel

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Just to note - I am seeing a counsellor about anxiety/stress

 

I have been seeing a guy since November, he's 31 and I'm 35. He is a lawyer and works in the city, he also has ALOT of hobbies - has been in an amateur dramatics play, volunteers, works out, goes to mediation and obviously has friends etc.He has also moved flats since Jan and work has been very busy for him.

 

I am also busy at work - teacher. I have a wide circle of friends and also have hobbies - I go to crossfit and was playing dodgeball for a while - I accept that I don't have as many hobbies as him and am not as busy.

 

Since January I have seen him maybe 5 times. We have generally been in daily contact - phone/message.

 

He has cancelled numerous dates because of work - and I was fine at first, but it became a regular occurrence and I began to get annoyed as I had to rearrange my plans etc. I explained that for me, when I am seeing someone its acceptable to see them a couple of times a week, to hear from them daily - if it is to progress, I don't think this is unreasonable. He said he had 'noted' that but things didnt change. When we have seen eachother its been great -he usually stays over - and basically I want to see him more.

 

However, not seeing him regularly and the cancellations began to make me frustrated, anxious and stressed- and trying to look after myself and be realistic I said maybe we shouldn't see each other as he is busy etc. He told me I was being unreasonable but ultimately nothing changed. I have been honest with him and said that I am seeing a counsellor and he seemed supportive.

 

Last week was particularly bad for me at work, he had been in his play and i had barely heard from him. I asked to see him this Sunday because he is moving house again this coming weekend, and then is away next weekend for work. He said he couldn't because he was packing. I began to get anxious and I am embarrassed to say that I sent him some horrible and irrational messages - saying I was tired of waiting, that nothing was changing, maybe it was age/timing, that I was bored... I then updated my online profile. I admit I was being irrational and angry and handled it in completely the wrong way.

 

Next morning I get a message from him saying he saw I updated my profile and that it was a shame we didn't talk but to have a great weekend. I was annoyed because I have tried to talk about this, several times and that we never see each other to talk.

 

I instantly regretted my actions and am aware that I behaved childishly - and this is something I am working on in counselling.

 

We havent spoken on the phone since, we messaged on Sunday. He said he needed time to think as he thinks I am being intense and that he thinks that he makes me anxious and that although he likes me and likes spending time with me, we both need to be happy. All true, but again frustrating as I have tried to raise this with him before.

 

Since, we have exchanged a couple messages since but it feels different.

 

Monday night I looked on bumble and his profile popped up, it was literally the second one - I dont know if this is because we are fb friends so it came up first rather than him actively looking. I stupidly sent a screenshot to him and said guess this is it.

 

His response was a '?'

 

I sent another message saying guess you didnt want to talk then, he replied saying that he does but that work is busy as he has A,B,C,X,Y,Z to do. I said ok next week is fine, if he has time and that I missed him.

 

What do I do?

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newyorker11356

It's definitely time move on.

 

He's supposedly way "too busy" to go out on dates with you, but has no problem being active on Bumble looking for dates :rolleyes:

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However, not seeing him regularly and the cancellations began to make me frustrated, anxious and stressed.

 

That kind hot and cold behavior can drive perfectly sane people insane. Don't blame yourself in anyway for feeling that way.

 

I began to get anxious and I am embarrassed to say that I sent him some horrible and irrational messages - saying I was tired of waiting, that nothing was changing, maybe it was age/timing, that I was bored... I then updated my online profile. I admit I was being irrational and angry and handled it in completely the wrong way.

 

Again don't blame yourself. His absence were triggering your weak points.

 

We havent spoken on the phone since, we messaged on Sunday. He said he needed time to think as he thinks I am being intense and that he thinks that he makes me anxious and that although he likes me and likes spending time with me, we both need to be happy. All true, but again frustrating as I have tried to raise this with him before.

 

So, he knows that he makes you anxious, and yet, he will not do anything to make it better??? A good boyfriend will communicate with you and understand your weak points and make sure he does nothing which triggers your insecurities and fears because he genuinely cares about you.

 

What do I do?

 

Drop him like a hot potato.

Find someone who will value you and make you feel more secure.

Anyone who is hot and cold is worthless. I don't care what hobbies he has!

In fact, I don't like people with way too many hobbies. In my experience such people are fickle minded and have no idea what to do with their lives so they do everything. You need someone kind, gentle, stable, reliable and understanding.

Unless you get rid of this guy you can't find that person.

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He wants someone around when he has a free moment, but he doesn't want to put the effort and energy into a true relationship. You don't hit high on the priority list. He has so many activities, I don't see how he can truly date or pursue a relationship. Don't kick yourself for reacting the way you did, and if it caused him to run, well, that is an answer you don't want, but it's an answer - he's just not that into. It sounds like he wants someone around who's available on his own timeline, whether that's a couple times a week to maybe once a month, and this can change at any moment. It will keep you hurt and confused, especially after extra time and attention, and then back to being unavailable. His lifestyle isn't working for you and this relationship isn't working for you. Let him go. Unless you're willing to accept him on his terms, you have no choices. You can't force him to be with you, and you can't force him to give up some activities to free up time. He has to figure that out on his own. Right now his activities are more important to him.

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Yeah , sorry to say but he's def' lacking enough interest.

He's also younger and in no hurry yet.

l agree with the others too and don't buy people being too busy either, not on going anyway. l mean what in the world is more fun than a new love , l'd be unbusying myself it was that's for sure but he's not feeling enough in this to bother.

 

l agree , cut the strings and hopefully find somebody that wants to build a real relationship now, you don't wanna go wasting 5 or 10 yrs on this right now only for it to eventually leave you back at square one.

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Thanks for all your responses - it was encouraging to read that I wasn’t being totally irrational.

 

I have arranged to go on a date with a guy I was talking to in January. Do you think I should tell the original guy.

 

I feel quite guilty for doing this as he has said he wants to talk, but even if we do talk I don’t think it would change.

 

Also feel guilty for the other guy as I feel like I’m using him.

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I don't think you should reach for another one online. I know there's unlimited supply there, but it can wait. Have you tried joining him in some of the activities? For example, go watch him in the play? Or work out together? What do you do when you see him?

Online dating brings together people who would not likely meet in real life. So of course there will be adjustments. Also people look for different things, eveything from casual sex to marriage. If you're not looking for the same thing then it's time to move on.

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Versacehottie

He sounds checked out--whether it was because he has tons of other priorities or wasn't feeling it with you who knows? I think it was super reactive that you went on and created a dating profile (or reopened yours)--but a little weird that he saw it (??? to me, that would mean he was on there on a regular basis). But of course he retaliated and you saw his later on---or maybe he's stayed on all along while you've been dating?

 

You've acknowledged your outburst and the way you handled everything needs work. I would agree. Better coping and communication would have helped you--and even if you things still didn't work out with him, I think you would feel less regret, if any. If you handle your end well, that alleviates a lot of that and you can see a person and a situation more for what it truly is. Honestly, I don't think there would be too much you could have done to "save" this so don't beat yourself up too much over that part--in other words, if he was already checked out, he was already checked out and your outburst didn't really change much of what he was going to do. It just gave him a reason to say you shouldn't date anymore and confirmation rather than the wavering he was doing. Good luck

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It sounds like you are just one of his many hobbies. If he is too busy to see you, he is too busy for a relationship. You can never know where you stand in a situation like this and he has not made time to talk to you. He has had his chance and failed. While creating a profile was probably not the thing to do, you owe him nothing, he was treating you in a casual way.

 

I am sure someone else will value you and your time more than this guy. He truly thinks you will just fit around him without question. I think you need to say goodbye to him, not discuss this. He will only confuse you if he wants this 'convenient' arrangement to continue and there is little in it for you.

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When you want to make time for someone, you make the time for them.

 

He likes that he only sees you when he does. When he wants to spend the night over, he does. When he doesn't want to feel tied down, he does all of his hobbies...or at least gives them as an excuse.

 

It's gas-lighting. He's set up all the excuses and reasoning in advanced so that you don't trust your own head. You realize things aren't going where you want them, but he's got you flipped around so you're blaming yourself for getting mad at him.

 

Will he ever get over this mentality? Maybe, maybe not...probably not anytime soon. Will he get over it while still dating you? Almost assuredly not. He's already figured out he can string you along with minimal effort on his part. That's thinking that is hard to break.

 

Sure, he'll say all the right things, because saying things is easy. Just because he hears your complaints, doesn't mean he's going to do things different...not when he still likes what he gets without changing.

 

That's not even touching on - a busy schedule, canceled dates, etc. are all great tactics to shuffle more than one girl at once.

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Next morning I get a message from him saying he saw I updated my profile and that it was a shame we didn't talk but to have a great weekend. I was annoyed because I have tried to talk about this, several times and that we never see each other to talk.

 

THIS! You reopened or updated your profile as a test to see if he would care that you were possibly moving on. And rather than him say "Hey, wait a minute. I DO like you. Lets get together and talk about this so we can get on the same page," he basically said "Such a shame, laters!!!!!!!"

 

Sure everything seems great when you do see each other, because he does like you. But you are not a priority to him and being in a relationship with you is not a priority either. He was letting you walk, so actually walk. Find someone who cares.

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Thanks for all your responses - it was encouraging to read that I wasn’t being totally irrational.

 

I have arranged to go on a date with a guy I was talking to in January. Do you think I should tell the original guy.

 

I feel quite guilty for doing this as he has said he wants to talk, but even if we do talk I don’t think it would change.

 

Also feel guilty for the other guy as I feel like I’m using him.

 

 

If you are not ready to date again, then do not go out on a date with the second guy. With that being said, stop communicating with the first guy. He doesn't need to know if you're going out with anyone else. I feel the only reason you would tell him is to try and get a reaction out of him. This is going to backfire because he has already showed that he dos not care what you do. You reopened your dating profile and guess what, he didn't come running into your arms. Don't play games with him, just send him a final text that he is not meeting your needs and you don't want to see him anymore. You don't have to be rude, but be firm. Don't leave it as an open ended conversation as you have been doing. Just end it.

 

Then in a few weeks or months start dating again.

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I began to get anxious and I am embarrassed to say that I sent him some horrible and irrational messages - saying I was tired of waiting, that nothing was changing, maybe it was age/timing, that I was bored... I then updated my online profile. I admit I was being irrational and angry and handled it in completely the wrong way.

 

 

I am sure you will get tons of break up with him or, I guess, move on messages. So I'll skip those except to say that I know it's hard to just move on. No, I think it may be better to address the section above.

 

First of all, drop the world irrational from your vocabulary. Not only is it often used to degrade (even, or perhaps especially when you use it against yourself), but it is also not biologically accurate. Your neo-cortex controls logic and words and deliberate actions. But your limbic system controls (or is controlled by) emotions and it has no words. But it is where feelings of love - and anger, sadness, anxiety, and other emotions - reside. When someone says that you're being irrational, they are telling you to use your neo-cortex, but that is precisely NOT what is being used when you feel love and loss. In other words, your feelings of anxiety are completely rational!

 

Next, I don't think you did anything horrible. You talked to him several times, so losing your S__t, as we say here in the States, is completely understandable. OK...maybe changing your status was intended to hurt him and that is something of which you should be aware (and generally avoid) but not the rest. When you call that horrible, you are hitting your own self-esteem.

 

Everybody has a right to be secure in a relationship. Perhaps he did not view it as a relationship and so felt no obligation. Clearly you did. Expressing frustration and anxiety related to the is what you should be doing.

 

What you should NOT be doing is degrading yourself by calling yourself and your actions irrational and horrible. You should work on making sure that you respect yourself more so that when someone else shows you disrespect, you can react more appropriately. Happiness comes from within but it is easy to let sadness and anxiety come from without. The remedy for that is an appropriate level of defenses that lets the right person in at the right pace. And it is THAT topic that you might want to address with your therapist.

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There is no need to get excited/anxious about it. It's pretty simple, he doesn't meet your expectations...not a crime, just life. Just call it quits gracefully.."Sorry, this is not for me, or it's not working out." there done.

 

Tip: the screen shot is poor communication, don't be passive/aggressive, you will regret it.

 

I myself dated a guy that was so busy with work and with his basketball. After 3 weeks, I simply dumped him. I have done this with a couple of other guys that were too busy with work. You don't stick around and hope they will make time for you. You shouldn't have to ask them to do it IMO.

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I would not recommend going out with another guy right now; you wouldn't yet being doing it for the right reasons. Wait until you're over the hurt from this.

 

And if you do choose to go out with another guy, you don't owe the first one an explanation. He isn't your boyfriend, you haven't agreed to be exclusive, and barely makes times for you anyway. There's no need to fill him in. Just move on from him.

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There is no need to tell guy number one you've landed yourself a date or if you're seeing other people. There really is no point. It's not like you are anywhere near "the talk" about being exclusive. You have no idea if he'll even follow through on a planned date, so it's not like you owe him anything. Move on. He opened up his profile again, so he's clearly seeking the next shoe-in, and he saw your profile and that didn't cause him to re-think anything. It's none of his business anyway when he can barely give you the time of day. Just move forward.

 

No need to tell guy #2 anything other than you've dated here or there upon his asking. You don't need to offer details or volunteer any information regarding dating others. You met on an online dating site. There's no mystery you are both seeing people. This is something that can be left unsaid.

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penangtravel

So I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday lunch time.

 

I don’t feel horrendously anxious but I feel sad that he hasn’t messaged me at all.

 

When he said that he wanted time to think - was he breaking up with me? After that conversation we did send some normal messages - mainly initiated by me. But then I saw bumble.

 

I don’t even know if we were together to have even broken up. Clearly he was annoyed at me for updating my profile.

 

This is the longest I haven’t messaged him. I don’t want to give in and message him, but I also want some form of closure. Was needing some time to think a nice way of breaking up.

 

I don’t think he’s going to initiate meeting, or message me. But I just need closure.

 

Do I break no contact?

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newyorker11356
So I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday lunch time.

 

I don’t feel horrendously anxious but I feel sad that he hasn’t messaged me at all.

 

When he said that he wanted time to think - was he breaking up with me? After that conversation we did send some normal messages - mainly initiated by me. But then I saw bumble.

 

I don’t even know if we were together to have even broken up. Clearly he was annoyed at me for updating my profile.

 

This is the longest I haven’t messaged him. I don’t want to give in and message him, but I also want some form of closure. Was needing some time to think a nice way of breaking up.

 

I don’t think he’s going to initiate meeting, or message me. But I just need closure.

 

Do I break no contact?

 

He's active on Bumble, so it was probably a nice way of breaking up.

 

If he wasn't active or was inactive on Bumble, then I'd probably say he was telling the truth. But, that's not the case.

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Versacehottie
So I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday lunch time.

 

I don’t feel horrendously anxious but I feel sad that he hasn’t messaged me at all.

 

When he said that he wanted time to think - was he breaking up with me? After that conversation we did send some normal messages - mainly initiated by me. But then I saw bumble.

 

I don’t even know if we were together to have even broken up. Clearly he was annoyed at me for updating my profile.

 

This is the longest I haven’t messaged him. I don’t want to give in and message him, but I also want some form of closure. Was needing some time to think a nice way of breaking up.

 

I don’t think he’s going to initiate meeting, or message me. But I just need closure.

 

Do I break no contact?

 

when i first read your message, i actually was tuned into what he said--and yes took it that you guys are basically broken up. If he has conveniently left the door open, that could be for lots of reasons. Didn't you say 4 months or since November--are you really cool with finding him on a dating site or app after that much time? I can't imagine many people would be. With all his other activities and finding him on there, to me, he sounds like he is stringing you along--whether it is purposely or not, consciously or unconsciously. Why are you allowing this? Surely you think better of yourself. I don't think he CAN or WILL give you what you need. This relationship is casual, at best.

 

sigh, with the closure thing. Seriously, you give that to yourself--no one else can give it to you. Decide that you don't want to date him anymore or that not hearing from him isn't good enough for you. Also you can decide to "deal with it" if and when you hear from him but to move forward with your life. Why are you giving him all the power over what "happens" to you? This is one reason people can seem unattractive--the passiveness is not attractive and a guy can tell when you are just there "waiting" and it feels like yuck pressure. It can be as simple as "he can't give me what I want right now, I owe myself better". If you don't treat yourself better, I wouldn't expect him to. I don't really know what answer you will imagine getting from him. Whatever you do get, my guess is that it will be a temporary one if it's what you find positive for your relationship with him. Look, you are getting excited because he is willing to have a talk with you. That he is in no hurry to follow through with. That doesn't even read as "continue dating"--that reads as a breakup talk, set her straight talk or let me see if i miss her talk--basically he is completely dragging his feet... STILL. What more closure do you need?

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I don’t think he’s going to initiate meeting, or message me. But I just need closure.

 

Do I break no contact?

 

"Closure" is the excuse people use to break their resolve and contact an ex...Real closure is something only you can provide for you. Closure is a mindset, and only you can make your mind up.

 

What could he say that would make a difference, if you're just moving on anyway?

 

"No, I wasn't going to call you anymore," isn't anymore helpful to you than just not calling you anymore.

 

"I was going to call you because I like you," when he's already not going to give you what you need, even if he did call, isn't going put a definitive end to the relationship.

 

At best, you'll hear what you already know, and more likely, you'll just hear more lines to keep you hanging on without any change for the better.

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