GF on Vacation

[when in love]

Hello everyone - I was looking for some advice

 

I will give everyone a quick backstory of our relationship. We have been exclusive for the past 10 months. About 5 months after we became exclusive I found out she cheated on me. This hurt obviously, but I am in love and she promised that it was a one time thing, she was drunk and made a huge mistake and would do anything to keep me. I love her and am working on getting past the fact that she has cheated on me. I do not hold it over her head and try to make her feel like **** about it. I am moving on because otherwise this will never work. However, One of the things that we agreed upon was that if she was going to be out with her girlfriends she would text me, snapchat me, call me etc etc when she got home. I know some people feel like this is monitoring someone and putting them on a leash but it was something I need in order to get past the fact that she would do that to me.

 

Anyway, on to my current situation. We just signed a lease and are moving in together in a month. She went on a cruise with her mom, sister and female cousin. The first day she said she couldn't figure out the wifi on the boat and to just follow her cousin's Snapchat story to get updates of what they were up to. She said until she figured out the Wifi she would message me through her cousins snapchat. Anyway, she didn't message me the first day. Sent me two quick messages in the morning on the second day and then did not message me again until 10PM on the third day. She was drunk off her ass and wanted me to facetime via facebook. I was extremely annoyed and told her "No thanks, not in the mood" and then went on to explain why. Message was longer but bullet points below

 

- Your cousin can figure out the Wifi why would you be unable to

- You've sent me two messages in three days and now that your wasted you want me to talk.

- I don't want to monopolize your time on vaca to relax and have fun with family but a couple of messages. Good morning, Good afternoon, Good night would be nice.

- You are drinking by pools and beaches all day and dancing all night. I can tell because I watch your cousins snaps as you told me to do.

- The lack of messages couple with this concerns me since you've cheated on me in the past and it was when you were drunk (like this whole vacation)

- We had talked about this and keeping in touch is important

 

Anyway, she said she understood but that it was "only a little over a day since she last contacted me". That was last night. I know she has an excursion early today so her lack of messages is not immediately concerning. Although I suppose she could be pissed that i was so demanding that she would not message me the rest of the trip. Time will tell on that one.

 

 

I guess I am trying to figure out whether..

- I am over reacting? Was my message telling her that her lack of communication bothered me too much? Essentially, stepping over the line since she is on vacation.

- Should I send a message before she gets back to the boat apologizing since this is her vacation and time to reconnect with family? Ive been considering that this morning. I feel bad because I don't want to ruin her vacation and make her feel like I don't trust her because we have been doing so good. (obviously as wee have just signed a lease)

 

Opinions welcome!

[Lorenza]

She cheated on you in the past and now you don't trust her and feel like monitoring her vacation time. It's not a healthy place to be in. She isn't putting an effort into acting trustworthy either. Seems like you two need to have a talk about trust and boundaries otherwise there isn't much future for this relationship.

[d0nnivain]

WiFi on a cruise costs money & it's very expensive. She can figure it out; she just doesn't want to pay the cost. However, she should be able to get free WiFi in a shop at the pier when they go to a port.

 

It also costs about $8.95 per minute to use the ship's phone & at least $2.50 per minute to use the cell if she can even get signal.

 

There aren't a lot of single people on a cruise. Mostly it's couples because the cabin prices are per person & expect that there will be 2 people in each cabin. So if you want a cabin by yourself & see a price that the cruise is $599 per person, you will pay $1198.

 

All of those facts aside, your GF's prior cheating colors your relationship. You say you have gotten past her prior cheating but it is causing you all sorts of angst now. Because she has proven herself untrustworthy, you are worried about her especially since she is violating your agreement to keep in touch & you know how much she has been drinking on vacation. Pina colada's by the pool with her family is not the same thing as being at Hedonism over single's week but you still need to recognize that there is not that much trust here. I hope you can afford the new lease on your own.

[preraph]

Really, you expect her to check in with you three times a day when she's on vacation? People go on vacation for a change of pace and to get AWAY from day to day routine and obligations. If you keep this up and ruin her vacation, she is NOT going to be happy with you and nor should she be. You're acting like a baby. You know where she is. She's on a ship. She's with her family. If you don't trust her any better than this, why on earth move in with her?

[Gaeta]

How old are you 2?

 

When someone cheats on you after 5 months dating you dump them.

 

When couples are faced with cheating and decide to remain together, the cheater has to accept he/she'll be monitored for a certain period of time till trust has been rebuilt. If the cheater fails that simple task it should end the agreement & the relationship.

 

It appears your girlfriend can get away with anything with no consequences but a few hours of pouting from you.

 

It's not that you don't trust her? No you don't trust her, and she is not trustworthy. Don't hide behind words like *I trust her* when it's not true.

 

Do not apologize. You did not over-react for someone in your situation.

 

I hope you see clear very soon and move on to someone trustworthy.

[when in love]

To be fair, I did say that we are working things out and in the future I don't want to have her under my thumb. It has been 5 months and things have been progressing well. Trust is not something that just appears over night when something like this happens. It takes time and commitment to repairing it which we both understand.. It was not until she was on this trip that she did anything that would make me go "huh?"

 

So no, I am not worried about leasing the apartment by my self.

 

I did want to communicate to her that I was not happy about the fact that she would for the most part blow off messaging me. So my question was not one of... Do you think we have a chance at being a couple. I am not worried about that. I was just wondering whether my message was out of bounds.

[d0nnivain]

The message was problematic because it was a message. You don't discuss deep relationship issues through text or e-mail They require face to face communication. You should have held off & talked about it when she got home. The points were fine but the medium was awful.

 

Also given her prior behavior I suspect her response was to read the message, say F-him & then proceed to behave even more wildly.

[Lorenza]

I did want to communicate to her that I was not happy about the fact that she would for the most part blow off messaging me. So my question was not one of... Do you think we have a chance at being a couple. I am not worried about that. I was just wondering whether my message was out of bounds.

 

Yes, your message was out of bounds but it's understandable cause so was her behavior. I imagine that someone, who cheated in the past,would understand the fact that going MIA for a few days and then drunk calling looks really shady coming from them.

[Gaeta]

To be fair, I did say that we are working things out and in the future I don't want to have her under my thumb. It has been 5 months and things have been progressing well. Trust is not something that just appears over night when something like this happens. It takes time and commitment to repairing it which we both understand.. It was not until she was on this trip that she did anything that would make me go "huh?"

 

When someone betrayed you and is making amends it's important to observe them when they are in 'special' situations. When she's in town with you it's easy for her to act like a good girlfriend because she probably is not surrounded by temptation. It's when she's put in these special situations, like vacations with alcohol, that you need to pay attention on how she is reliable and trustworthy.

 

Has she past the test of being reliable, trustworthy and respectful of you when she's in a 'special' situation? What would be your answer here.

[heavenonearth]

My boyfriend will be going on vacation in May for over 2 weeks with his friends and I am sure there will be days where I won't hear from him.

 

When you're on vacation, then you try to relax and not be connected to the world at home all the time.

 

It does not matter how many times she texts you now or how much you monitor her, if she wants to cheat, she will cheat.

You cannot watch her 24/7, and even if you get to talk to her for good morning, good afternoon and good night, she could be cheating in the times between.

 

So there really is nothing you can do but to trust that nothing is going to happen. And if something happens, you'll know sooner than later.

[Imajerk17]

I'd say this is Exhibit A why you don't take someone back who cheats.

 

You may have forgiven her. But wisely you sure didn't forget. So now given her past behaviour, you are (quite understandably!) wondering what the hell she is up to especially when drinking and dancing. And you are pissed and even more concerned that she isn't being more proactive about communicating with you. And...even if she were more proactive about communicating with you, she could still be up to something.

 

Anyway, it's bad enough that she cheated. It is even more disconcerting that she cheated only 5 months in, when you are supposedly in the honeymoon stages with each other.

 

I'd really rethink moving in with this woman, and I'd really rethink your whole relationship. I'd be thinking of letting her know outright that you are done.

 

(And lest I sound like a chauvinistic *ahem* jerk here, if there were no cheating, I would tell you to lighten up. That she cheated in the past and is being so cavalier about reassuring you is what is making me say to end this.)

[lolablue17]

I don't want to ruin her vacation and make her feel like I don't trust her because we have been doing so good.

 

You're not doing so good aparantly, and you don't trust her at all. You're not in the stage where you feel good about her going on vacation without you.

 

You try very hard to pretend you're ok with everything, and it's important for you, not to be classified as "the jealous guy", but you're not ok, and you are jealous.

 

The basic is to admit you're weakness, and set you're boundaries according to that, while communication with her. Your mixed feelings are exactly a direct "price" you pay for forgiving a cheater. And you being demanding is the price she pays for her cheating. It doesn't go away so quickly and it might never go completely away.

 

The amazing thing is that your demands, and you being concerned and stressed, cause some misery but eventually help to maintain your relationship. The constant reminder of the pain, makes you never to "rest" and to take things for granted. That of course if she's in the same page as you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Anyway, it's bad enough that she cheated. It is even more disconcerting that she cheated only 5 months in, when you are supposedly in the honeymoon stages with each other.

 

I'd really rethink moving in with this woman, and I'd really rethink your whole relationship. I'd be thinking of letting her know outright that you are done.

 

Bingo. All of this.

 

OP, you two are not in a healthy enough place to be living together. There shouldn't even be this level of monitoring to begin with, and especially so early into your relationship. When you start resorting to that, you know the relationship isn't a very good one anymore.

 

Expecting to hear from her so frequently when she's on a cruise is not reasonable, no. However, it's also not reasonable that she's already broken your trust and you feel compelled to track her.

 

This is why staying with a cheater is a hugely risky proposition. You're constantly on high alert, and she gets tired of being answerable to you.

Edited February 28, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[BluesPower]

Just so you know...

 

You have made every mistake that every young foolish man makes in these types of a relationships.

 

Just read a while on LS and you might start to understand.

 

My friend, you need to dump this girl before she gets back.

 

Get out of the lease, and move on.

 

If you choose not to take this advice, just understand that you were warned.

 

It is way past time to move on from this girl, grow up, and try to figure out the basics of women and relationships...

 

BTW: Rule #1, when they cheat on you, you dump them, period...

[smackie9]

In 5 months she has cheated on you....for the love of god dump her. She's playing you for a fool.

[joseb]

1. You can't live with constant checking up on someone like that. It will drive both people nuts.

 

2. When someone cheat's like that, dump them and move on. No it's, ands or buts.

[Flame Aura]

You must be pretty young to take her back after she cheated?

 

You don't trust her, and rightly so.

 

This relationship will not last.

 

End it.

[Sunlight72]

I guess I am trying to figure out whether..

- I am over reacting? Was my message telling her that her lack of communication bothered me too much? Essentially, stepping over the line since she is on vacation.

- Should I send a message before she gets back to the boat apologizing since this is her vacation and time to reconnect with family? Ive been considering that this morning. I feel bad because I don't want to ruin her vacation and make her feel like I don't trust her because we have been doing so good. (obviously as wee have just signed a lease)

 

Opinions welcome!

Oh lord.

She's on vacation. You need to get a life outside of her.

 

Yes, you've got this big dramatic backstory, but it's your choice to be in a relationship with that. She is on vacation. You are not her jailer, but you are sure acting like it.

 

How does this reporting in, which you have demanded, make you feel loved? It shouldn't make you feel loved, because that's not what it is. She may feel guilt (sometimes), and she wants to do penance to you, but that ain't the gift of love.

 

Get a life outside of her. You being on top of her is not building trust. Trust is built by someone being independent of you and making choices that respect and value you.

 

Also, when this falls apart (bad news coming up my friend.... actually, the bad news is already out, but you're not reading it), if you are this wrapped up in her that you think messaging at 3 different points during every day is "not monopolizing her time" you are really going to be lost and despondent without her. You really, really need to expand your social life for your own health.

 

Also, for future reference (from my own PAINFUL EXPERIENCE), when someone is drunk, they are not a different person from the sober person. that IS part of the person they are. She likes to drink. She will enjoy being drunk for many, many years. If you don't like her drinking, that is your problem, not hers.

 

You don't actually like who she is, but you are lying to yourself about who she is. You are cherry-picking the parts of her you like, and imagining the other behaviors are some temporary slip-ups.

 

Those moments are not slip-ups, they are part of who she is, and what she enjoys. Review her actions, not her words. She has shown you that you cannot predict her behavior based on her words.

 

---------------------

 

Also, from your quoted points above, when she 'steps over the line', what defines that line? That you send a pissy text message? That is insuficient for your health.

 

In my opinion, your response shouldn't be to scold her and tell her how to behave (which, as you could note, she promptly disregards). Your response is to observe her choices, and then choose for yourself to accept that is who she is and on balance you love her, OR realize that is who she is, and that you don't want to be in a relationship with that person.

 

You are trying to be her controller, which won't work, isn't your rightful place, eats you up, and wrecks your relationship.

 

You should want for yourself, to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. Of their own free will. Not by your instruction. That is a healthy, sustainable framework. That is not what you are seeking or developing with this person.

 

--------------------

 

And just because I can hear you typing, "but except for the vacation, she's been toeing the line" - oh yeah?

 

It's been 5 months since she cheated, and she's been under your close supervision, and she's gone about as long as she can while denying herself relaxation and free will. She's now on vacation, not under your supervision, and if you would stop bossing her around, and let her be herself you could see what she chooses to do with herself when it's up to her.

 

And then decide if that is a person you want to tie yourself to. That rope is going to choke you both.

 

I mean this with sincerity and hope for you.

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

Edited March 1, 2018 by Sunlight72

[Els]

You made two pretty bad decisions:

 

1. To stay with her after she cheated on you after such a short period of time together

2. To act like an insecure whiner when she went on vacation. Contact roughly once a day on vacation is normal and not indicative of anything

 

Both mistakes, fortunately, are easily rectified. Leave her, and work on the insecurity so you can trust a future partner who hasn't cheated on you.

[LilySun]

Its natural and expexted to feel more anxious after what she did.

But Ive been on a cruise and even when I had Wifi, it didnt always work. There was limited opportunity to text people back home and you couldnt be sure if messages were even going through because even Wifi was hit or miss.

And its true that cruises are not exactly a meat market. Mostly families, couples, old people. And the biggest downtime is out on the island where there is no signal at all.

I do think you over reacted however its her own fault. Cheat or not though you shouldnt expect to get a lot communication from someone on cruise.