Boyfriends ex is pregnant and says its his!

[callmequeenie3]

Hello!

 

Very sorry but long post! Please read and offer some advice!

 

So basically, I moved to where I am in October, after leaving behind my friends and boyfriend who things were simply not working out with.

 

Not long after moving, I met a guy who was friends with my dad and younger brother. There was instant chemistry and all that hoo-har. He had just split with his wife and asked me out a couple weeks of knowing each other. Because my head was a mess, I said no.

 

He wound up getting back with her and trying to make it work not long after this, but there was still this constant chemistry between us, non-stop, whenever we spent time together.

Fast forward to the start of December (ish), where he wound up leaving her, for good this time.

 

They'd been together 7 years and have 3 kids together, the youngest being 1. They thought get married a few years back would fix things, but it didn't. They essentially hate one another and I know for a fact that his feelings of hatred and dislike are at the very least, very very strong towards her.

 

So we started seeing each other at the beginning of December and everything has been absolutely perfect.

 

I have suffered anxiety for years and every guy I've ever started dating, it has taken months and months to get even slightly comfortable with them. With him, it was just *click*, no nervousness, hesitation, inability to speak or awkward silences, we would talk and laugh for hours and he wouldn't hesitate to tell me how much he liked me and how amazing he thought I was. I was very unaccustomed to it at first because I've never been with a guy who is very open about his feelings, especially about me!

 

I cannot stress enough that after many failed, horrible relationships, that I truly have thought that this is the one for me.

 

Fast forward to roughly a month ago.

 

He finds out his ex is pregnant (from about 2-3 weeks before we got together) and she is claiming it is his.

 

He has already told me that he is nearly 100% sure she had slept with his best mate either just before or just after they broke up. She has also had a man living in her house for about a month and has had several male "visitors" since the break up (her ex-friend wound up telling me about it after trying to get ahold of my boyfriend).

 

At first, he was adamant that the baby was nothing to do with him, claiming that they hadn't had sex since her birthday - September. Now, a month later, he is saying how he has to go to her scans and all this because it's "HIS KID"

 

When questioned about what he'd told me before, he got very frustrated and admitted that he didn't actually remember if they had or had not slept together a few weeks before breaking up.

I have never been one to like having an ex lurking about. Always been a big issue with me. With this whole situation I feel extremely, extremely anxious and uncomfortable and I just hate the entire thing.

 

Another bad thing is that she refuses to let their boys meet me, even though we have said that we will not act "together" in front of them and that I will just be a "friend of daddy's".

We have been living together since the split since it just felt... right. He didn't have anywhere to go because he left the house and everything he's ever bought for the house there, so after spending a month inseparable, I told him to just move in and we'd see how it worked out.

 

I know nearly four months is not a lot of time to be with something and most people will tell me to run and get away.

 

As is, he doesn't even get to see the children he has (he has seen them 3 times in nearly 4 months) so why should he be supporting her?

 

I'm so angry and confused and although I've always been an empathetic, understanding person in almost any situation I am really struggling to cope and would seriously, seriously appreciate some advice on the direction I should go from here, or how I could learn to accept things as they are and look towards a brighter future.

 

I have read many stories of ex and boyfriends getting back together due to a baby and how after babies birth, how distant he becomes, etc...

Thanks so much, please help!

Edited February 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[Purepony]

Go find a guy who has their life in order why would you want to be a part of this fiasco?

 

Three kids, one on the way he should be focused on his kids and making money not dating and playing Tom cat but I can’t blame him, you on the other hand should know better.

[clia]

What are you thinking?

 

This man, who has three children under the age of 7 and another on the way, who has nowhere to live but with you (a woman he met four months ago), who hasn't bothered to see his three children except for few times in the past four months, this is "the one" for you?

 

Of course he should be paying to help his WIFE support and care for his three (soon to be four!) young children.

 

Of course it's totally inappropriate for you to meet his children.

 

What should you do? Run. It's highly likely he will end up back with his wife.

[Gaeta]

You are scrapping the bottom of the barrel here.

 

This man has 0 value what so ever! he has 3 little kids and 1 on the way. He's a liar and an opportunist. He is taking advantage of you 100%. You are naive to think they *hate* each other. He's filling you all types of BS. Kick this parasite out of your home and let him deal with his drama.

[Zahara]

Oh my goodness. I wonder what must be going on in your head that has gotten you completely blind to the toxic and dysfunction this man is bringing to the table.

 

1. He couldn't remember when he slept with her? Blamed it on other men and made it look like she was sleeping around?

 

2. Good for her for not allowing you to meet her children. She's doing the right thing and implementing a boundary that is protecting her children from strangers. You hardly even know this man and you're deep in with all kinds of mess.

 

3. He's moved in already? You need a good shake.

 

4. Why should he be supporting her? He is still married to her and has 3 and one on the way? You should be mad at yourself for getting involved with this man. And you shouldn't be meddling in their family affairs.

 

Aim higher and create better standards for yourself. You're making very bad choices. Is this the best you think you can do for yourself.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Zahara

[smackie9]

A guy that moves on that quickly is bad news. He made sure you would be swept off your feet with his charm, say all the right things...just like a player. This guy is a real smooth operator. He saw your vulnerability and is now taking advantage of you, but you are so swept up in your emotions you just can't see it. The ex isn't the issue, HE IS. This is all him. Think about it, would you want your kids meet your exes GF of only a few months? Are you crazy? No mother of little ones in her right mind would allow this. I'm on her side. And Gaeta is right...he is a liar and an opportunist...you can't get any slimier than that. He's using you. The ex isn't your problem, he is...and I agree he needs to go.

[heavenonearth]

Why would you get involved with this guy?

I am 100% sure he is lying about not remembering if he had sex with his ex or not. He knows exactly what he did.

What a loser.

 

Go find someone worth your time and let his lousy ex deal with his a$$.

[Maggie4]

Since you are determined to indulge yourself, let's look at your best fantasy scenario here. He divorces his wife and stays with you. But in our dream scenario he is a good man, which means he will spend time with his children, support his wife, and help raise the baby. That's probably not what will actually happen, but it's the best you can hope for, and it ain't all that rosy. Worst case scenario, I need not tell you, you already know.

 

Of course he doesn't hate her. He slept with her not long ago. But he's angry with her for sleeping with other men, that's why he needed to sleep with you.

[callmequeenie3]

Just to clarify a few things I didn't feel needed mentioning before, but apparently I should have.

 

1. He has tried everything to see his kids. She is just refusing to let him see them and when he has, he has had to run around doing things for HER and barely allows him to spend time with the kids.

2. When they were together, he worked three jobs and barely slept or ate, supporting her so she could sit on her backside and make the kids beans on toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

3. I have been over to their house in the past and recently - she leaves it a complete wreck at all times. Last time boyfriend went over, her took pictures of knives being left out on kitchen floor.

4. Again, last time he went over there, a friend of hers was sat beside their youngest, puffing on a joint right into the babies face - again, he recorded it.

5. I have been told by other people other than him that she has had sex with several different men, allowing them into the house around her kids on many occasions over the past several month and she HAS allowed a strange man to move into her house with them.

 

This woman cannot pretend to be a good mother and ban me from meeting these kids, AS A FRIEND, nothing more, if she cannot even look after them herself. I understand the not meeting me for a while till it's more serious, but seriously guys.

 

Whatever happened to looking out for other women and helping them? All I've gotten is so much grief and abuse when I expected a little assistance. We were interested in one another several months before we wound up getting together it's nothing that has happened at the snap of the fingers.

I have watched them interact, the things they say and do to one another... I grew up with parents who despised one another (and after 25years of misery finally ended it recently) and I have seen other family members who have hated their other halves and I can tell you this is it.

 

Honestly people. I need to get a grip? I'm naive?

Where do any of you live because in England, mothers can be pretty ****ty and aren't absolute angels who need to be protected over the tiniest thing?

[Maggie4]

I guess you don't really need advice. You are determined. Support? No I don't believe in what you are doing, and when I am looking out for another person, I cannot support him/her doing something I wouldn't do. I cannot tell you what you want to hear.

[Gaeta]

1. He has tried everything to see his kids. She is just refusing to let him see them and when he has, he has had to run around doing things for HER and barely allows him to spend time with the kids.

2. When they were together, he worked three jobs and barely slept or ate, supporting her so she could sit on her backside and make the kids beans on toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

3. I have been over to their house in the past and recently - she leaves it a complete wreck at all times. Last time boyfriend went over, her took pictures of knives being left out on kitchen floor.

4. Again, last time he went over there, a friend of hers was sat beside their youngest, puffing on a joint right into the babies face - again, he recorded it.

5. I have been told by other people other than him that she has had sex with several different men, allowing them into the house around her kids on many occasions over the past several month and she HAS allowed a strange man to move into her house with them.

 

None of this is your business. It's their fight. If she is THAT bad then why was he back with her not even 2 months ago making more babies?

 

If she is THAT bad why did he make 3 children with her?? the reasons is he's as bad as her. If he was a man with integrity he would have left her after the 1st kid and not bring 3 more into this circus they call a home.

 

 

This woman cannot pretend to be a good mother and ban me from meeting these kids, AS A FRIEND, nothing more,

 

Yes she can!! She may not be the mother of the year but she is 100% the mother of those kids and has every right! She has a man that made 4 kids with her and is about to bail on her! She probably see you as the trouble maker here.

 

 

Whatever happened to looking out for other women and helping them?

Women with good judgement look out for children, not the other women.

 

I have watched them interact, the things they say and do to one another... I grew up with parents who despised one another (and after 25years of misery finally ended it recently) and I have seen other family members who have hated their other halves and I can tell you this is it.

the things they have told each other HE will tell them to you very soon!

 

Honestly people. I need to get a grip? I'm naive? Where do any of you live because in England, mothers can be pretty ****ty and aren't absolute angels who need to be protected over the tiniest thing?

You need some common sense injected into you. What kind of woman picks a man that lies to her? If he hates her why was he having sex with her last December?

 

Those children don't need you. They have enough to deal with they don't need daddy's new girlfriend in the picture! When the judge tells him how much he'll have to pay for child support you'll see him running back!

[BaileyB]

You moved way too fast with this guy. And now, you are way too involved with a man who is not in a place where he is ready for a new relationship... You are way over the line here...

 

Proceed at your own risk...

Edited February 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

All I need is a calendar to tell you to walk away.

 

He's your new BF. Less then 9 months ago he was with her & now there is a kid on the way. That kid ties him to her FOREVER!

 

Why do you want to get embroiled in that drama? At the very least date somebody smart enough to use BC.

 

She may be a horror show but why do you want a front row seat to his nightmare?

 

NEXT.

[act00]

I think that everyone else pretty much covered everything else I want to say, so I'm going to focus on this one comment of yours:

 

"I have never been one to like having an ex lurking about. Always been a big issue with me. With this whole situation I feel extremely, extremely anxious and uncomfortable and I just hate the entire thing."

 

What EXACTLY do you expect to happen with the ex as she is the mother of THREE (possibly FOUR) of his children? She will be a FOREVER staple in your life...FOR-EV-ER...birthdays, illnesses, broken bones, soccer, parent-teacher night, homework, Christmas, graduation, marriage, grandbabies...she is THERE forever...did I mention forever?

 

How's it going to work with you, having four children under the age of 7 running around your house every other weekend and once or twice on weeknights, and week-long vacation time? Before school and after school care, and daycare when school is out. Your paycheck in your combined household with your boyfriend will be financing these things and the child support. Are you financially able to house these seedlings, and what happens when you want babies of your own? How many do you want? Two, three? Make it a happy family of 8, 10? This isn't the Brady Bunch.

 

Diapers, formula, shoes, coats...guess who will be feeding these young sprouts beans and toast for several meals...that would be you...because it's a cheap source of nutrition and you get plenty of beans in the food boxes.

 

This man has an OBLIGATION to provide for his children. He needs to seek legal counsel on divorce and parenting time, and if her parenting is so bad, he can seek full legal custody...welcome to your new world, dear stepmother of four...where will they sleep? Do you have the space?

 

As for a messy house? While knives on the floor is not good, I'd like to see how well you fare keeping up after three children under the age of 7, let alone when you're 6 months pregnant.

 

You're seriously not thinking this through to the long-term, OP. You're getting the support you need to be hearing...wake up. He's a disaster area and so is she, and you are smack dab in the middle of it. You are not considering the ramifications of raising three, maybe four, of his children...they are expensive and who knows what damage needs to be undone...therapy, counselors...and do you want babies of your own? Can you provide for all of them?

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not date a man like this.

 

Sorry OP, but you are going to get your heart broken.

[Art_Critic]

Do you really want to be drug down with this guy and his unsettled life and drama, he has a one year old and a new baby on the way and 2 other kids by the first woman.

 

IMO, time to let this one go, way too much baggage and drama

[kendahke]

You've been seeing him for about 4 months, so yes, its a bit too soon for you to be meeting her children, so I agree with her on that. They don't deserve to be confused over the actions of the adults surrounding them.

 

A paternity test will determine who the father is and once the baby is born, that will be determined if the test is ordered. But because he's still legally married to her, the government may declare that he's legally responsible for that child because he is married to the child's mother--so you need to prepare yourself for that.

 

He's messy as they get and seriously? Someone this sloppy needs to be left alone because all they're going to bring to your life is chaos.

[kendahke]

Just to clarify a few things I didn't feel needed mentioning before, but apparently I should have.

 

doesn't really change my estimation of him and me being able to objectively see what's going on here.

 

1. He has tried everything to see his kids. She is just refusing to let him see them and when he has, he has had to run around doing things for HER and barely allows him to spend time with the kids.

 

Probably because his messy behind has been running in behind all sorts of women before he stumbled across you and he's moved in with you---that would rub you the wrong way, too, if you were her and had children to protect from his triflin' ways.

 

2. When they were together, he worked three jobs and barely slept or ate, supporting her so she could sit on her backside and make the kids beans on toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

Well of course he would sell you the story about how awful she was, how virtuous he was---that was the bait to get into your house and your bed. Plenty of cheating men use this line to drag the person they're cheating on in order to build sympathy with the newest chick. And most likely, a lot of what they say isn't true and they don't volunteer how they contributed to the mess they're in.

 

3. I have been over to their house in the past and recently - she leaves it a complete wreck at all times. Last time boyfriend went over, her took pictures of knives being left out on kitchen floor.

 

And I'll bet he staged that shot before he took it. How she keeps her home is none of your business and you had no business going in there.

 

4. Again, last time he went over there, a friend of hers was sat beside their youngest, puffing on a joint right into the babies face - again, he recorded it.

 

Yet he left his children there with her instead of taking her to court and having the guardianship transferred over to him and him having his children full time, so what does that say about his motivation to be the protector of his children?

 

5. I have been told by other people other than him that she has had sex with several different men, allowing them into the house around her kids on many occasions over the past several month and she HAS allowed a strange man to move into her house with them.

 

And he's having sex with you and you're a different woman than his wife and he's living with a strange woman, too. Your point?

 

This woman cannot pretend to be a good mother and ban me from meeting these kids, AS A FRIEND, nothing more, if she cannot even look after them herself. I understand the not meeting me for a while till it's more serious, but seriously guys.

 

Actually she can ban you from meeting them. You have absolutely no legal standing in any of this.

 

Whatever happened to looking out for other women and helping them? All I've gotten is so much grief and abuse when I expected a little assistance. We were interested in one another several months before we wound up getting together it's nothing that has happened at the snap of the fingers.

 

There's a difference between assistance/support and validation. You're looking for validation to keep to a destructive path with someone who is so messy in his life it boggles the mind. No one is going to support someone diving head first into a volcano.

 

I have watched them interact, the things they say and do to one another... I grew up with parents who despised one another (and after 25years of misery finally ended it recently) and I have seen other family members who have hated their other halves and I can tell you this is it.

 

Honestly people. I need to get a grip? I'm naive?

Where do any of you live because in England, mothers can be pretty ****ty and aren't absolute angels who need to be protected over the tiniest thing?

 

All of this is non sequitur.

 

No one has to live in England to understand that all over the world, there are messy parents who attract people who think they are the "only one" who can unravel a Gordian knot that's not theirs to unravel.

 

He's showing you exactly what happens with him when he's got a woman, made babies with her and decides he's bored with being her husband. He doesn't divorce and clean up his mess--he brings in someone new who thinks she can direct traffic in the lives of people with whom she has no legal standing to say anything.

 

The fact of your matter here is: as long as those children are minors, she is their mother and you are going to have to deal with her and her shenanigans as well as his lying to you about what he's been doing. If he can't arse himself to exercise some self discipline and lock down his sexual activities to put his children first in his considerations, then you don't have the relationship you think you have. He is obligated to his children and his wife until an executed divorce decree has taken place or they've reached the age of majority. Period.

 

He's got you out here making excuses for him and jumping defensive over advice anyone who loved you would give you.

Edited March 1, 2018 by kendahke

[BarbedFenceRider]

I sense co-dependency from OP, and a human IED for the BF....

 

In a more analytical approach, what would the stability long term for this relationship look like. So, he has major child support issues, trustworthiness issues, and a lack of transparent maturity at best. That's a lot to work on, AND have kids involved!

[Purrrfect]

May I suggest you contact the BBC about a reality show? What a bunch of drama. So he has a baby who is 1 and his ex is pregnant again? No way would I stick around. Not to mention he will likely be paying a ton in child support and maybe Day care. This guy has way too much baggage. Do you want kids? Even with a guy who will have 4 and may be turning over half his paychecks to her?

 

I would run from this one. You seem naive and determined though that this guy is Mr Right.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Purrrfect