She never initiates contact

[grazyexes]

I have known this girl for atleast a year. We have been friends all this time but one drunk night we ended up having sex. After that she has been very physical and touches me alot. I can clearly see her interest level has raised alot since.*

Only problem is that she never texts me. I believe that girls should do the texting and guys should try to keep it minimal. As a guy its good to make her wonder about you, but usually girls I have dated and are interested texts me alot, but she doesnt.

I text first only if I want to setup a date or something like that. Texting first alot as a guy will cause 100% rejection.

Usually I know what im doing but turning friendship into a relationship is so damn hard and risky

[KBarletta]

I believe that girls should do the texting and guys should try to keep it minimal.

 

Have you communicated this expectation to her? If not, then how can you expect her to know this is what you want? And why exactly do you expect this in the first place? Sound like a POA rule to me, which are mostly BS in my opinion.

 

If you want to talk to her, text her or call her. If she doesn't respond regularly she's either busy, or a flake or she's not interested. But don't assign expectations to her just based on her gender. That's pretty silly TBH.

[grazyexes]

Have you communicated this expectation to her? If not, then how can you expect her to know this is what you want? And why exactly do you expect this in the first place? Sound like a POA rule to me, which are mostly BS in my opinion.

 

If you want to talk to her, text her or call her. If she doesn't respond regularly she's either busy, or a flake or she's not interested. But don't assign expectations to her just based on her gender. That's pretty silly TBH.

 

You know that texting alot as a guy is feminine behavior and will kill all romantic feelings. Telling her? No, it doesnt work like that unfortunately..

[KBarletta]

You know that texting alot as a guy is feminine behavior and will kill all romantic feelings. Telling her? No, it doesnt work like that unfortunately..

 

I'm not suggesting you blow up her phone, just that you text her enough so you can gauge her interest based on her responses. Are you texting her AT ALL? Is she responding? You seem to think she should initiate all contact that doesn't involve setting up a date, which in my opinion, again, is POA bulls**t. Listening to some arbitrary "rule" instead of doing what comes naturally to you is going to do more damage than sending a text or two.

 

If you want to talk to her, you're going to have to make an effort. If you don't, that's on you. Bottom line.

[Redguitar35]

Have you communicated this expectation to her? If not, then how can you expect her to know this is what you want? And why exactly do you expect this in the first place? Sound like a POA rule to me, which are mostly BS in my opinion.

 

If you want to talk to her, text her or call her. If she doesn't respond regularly she's either busy, or a flake or she's not interested. But don't assign expectations to her just based on her gender. That's pretty silly TBH.

 

I agree, it does sound like you’ve been reading too much of that PUA stuff online, with all their phony rules to get girls interested. Teaching men to hide their interest as a way to manipulate women into sex. Too bad it doesn’t work.

[KBarletta]

I agree, it does sound like you’ve been reading too much of that PUA stuff online, with all their phony rules to get girls interested. Teaching men to hide their interest as a way to manipulate women into sex. Too bad it doesn’t work.

 

PUA, right. I've been saying POA. Can't edit.

Typos. LOL

[Exformer]

Don't over think things.

 

Not communicating anything for too long will cause 100% rejection.

Sure, you don't want to come off needy. You don't want to blow up the girl's phone, or send paragraphs of text. But you can call if you want.

 

This isn't the same as cold calling/texting a new girl you met at a bar. You already have an established friendship. She knows you as a friend already, and that gives you some room to communicate more freely.

 

Turning a friendship into a relationship isn't hard...it isn't something I'm a fan of doing, but it isn't hard. First step is to have sex. check. Second step is to have continued sex. sounds like she's given you the signal she's down for that. Next step is to decide you're dating on top of the fwb. Then you're in a relationship with a friend.

 

Many girls and guys are convinced that they're supposed to keep texts to a minimum early on. It's not just guys who have been told this theory. short messages, never send a second text without getting one back first, wait [insert however many hours] before responding back to a text, wait [so many days] to text/call someone for the first time, this is all stuff told to both girls and guys. She could just as easily being trying to play it cool the same way you are.

 

Of course there's some logic behind these rules, which is to not come off needy, desperate, clingy or crazy, but for every rule there's an exception. And these rules are just guidelines for people who freak out when dating anyway.

 

If she isn't doing any chasing with text messages, and you really want that, crank up her interest level so she feels like she needs/wants to communicate more.

 

Some girls like guys making the first move...even if they made a move first, they want something that looks like a first move from a guy. Ever have a girl basically ask you to ask her out? It's like that.

 

Maybe she's holding back because she's not picking up interest from you. While she's being all handsy, are you put down any game? You've hung out since the hook up. Why haven't you hooked up again?

 

Look at what you have been texting her too. How are you wording things? How does she respond? Are you giving her an opinion to keep conversation going? Does she have a bunch of other guys blowing up her phone and distracting her? You were friends already; does she text much to anyone?

Edited February 26, 2018 by Exformer

[smackie9]

If a guy doesn't socialize with me between dates or lacks enthusiasm, then I would assume he is not interested in a relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You know that texting alot as a guy is feminine behavior and will kill all romantic feelings. Telling her? No, it doesnt work like that unfortunately..

 

Wow. I choked on my beverage reading this.

 

How old are you?

 

Relentlessly blowing up someone's phone will kill any chance of romance regardless whose blowing it up. No one wants to be with someone so thirsty or someone who comes across as desperate, male or female.

 

It goes both ways.

 

As for expressing your feelings and saying "it doesn't work that way" just shows me you don't know much about dating and even less about women.

 

I'm with smackie9, if a guy doesn't socialize with me between dates or lacks enthusiasm, then I would assume he is not interested in a relationship. And that's enough for me to know to save my dignity and not bother trying to chase after someone that doesn't want to get caught.

[Versacehottie]

You know that texting alot as a guy is feminine behavior and will kill all romantic feelings. Telling her? No, it doesnt work like that unfortunately..

 

Sorry, in the view of many girls (i would say most but have no real data) it's exactly the opposite. A guy initiating is masculine behavior. That's what GUYS do. Be direct and to the point--you don't have to smother her with texts.

 

If only you could see that holding steadfast to a silly, nonsensical "rule" is having you miss opportunities and cause miscommunication. Take a poll seriously. Well anyway good luck

[Rainah]

I like when a guy texts me throughout the day to not only show he wants to make conversation and show interest with me but to also make me feel part of his life, such as sending me funny videos or pics or just telling me what he is up to, just general chit chat really

[Versacehottie]

If a guy doesn't socialize with me between dates or lacks enthusiasm, then I would assume he is not interested in a relationship.

 

Especially after they hooked up! I think that is slightly more vulnerable position for women to be in, generally. Your friend, OP, probably assumes at this point that you believe it was a mistake to hook up and trying to shift it clearly and firmly back into friends. I agree that sometimes it can be hard to navigate turning a friendship into a relationship but many people do it--you just usually have to be willing to take a little step and this girl will most likely meet you halfway and reciprocate. A text is a very little step & i would assume as friends you've been the first one to text her in the past. So there is little harm in doing it now.

 

*ps can i add that when some of the guys in my life say anything remotely of the belief system (pessimistic and insecure) that drives the PUA movement, it's soooo disappointing and unappealing. It immediately shows your insecurity that person would believe these things. Most guys, the majority of the time, feel that they have the personal strength to attract a girl that they have a spark with. That's very masculine--common masculine trait. I also think that they might not always feel that way but then they either keep quiet about it or try to rise above with humor and effort, not fall back on self-defeating generalizations that are totally unhelpful to their desires.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Versacehottie

[Whodatdog]

You know that texting alot as a guy is feminine behavior and will kill all romantic feelings. Telling her? No, it doesnt work like that unfortunately..

 

Did you just make that up? It makes you sound like you are 10 years old. Masculine men know what they want and go after it. Who says anything about blowing up her phone? Ask her out. She says yes or no. If its no, then move on.

 

God Im so glad Im not young.

[snowboy91]

So let me get this straight OP... you're frustrated that she doesn't initiate contact, but you don't initiate yourself... see the logic here?

 

I don't buy into the whole "guy must initiate, girl must text..." etc gender roles. Call me out of touch if you may, but ultimately we are all human. If you want something, you gotta go get it. If you're interested in a date, you let the other person know, whether you are male or female (or otherwise identifying). It's just easier if we say what we want rather than play games... and PUA techniques are the worst for it.

 

So OP: You text her. You want her in your life, so make sure she is!

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Mate, she's probably thinking "he's not texting me, he's probably not into me and grown cold since sex, I'm not going to risk rejection and wait for HIM to initiate contact"

[losangelena]

Mate, she's probably thinking "he's not texting me, he's probably not into me and grown cold since sex, I'm not going to risk rejection and wait for HIM to initiate contact"

 

Yep. This is exactly my situation now. A guy from work asked me out, we went out a couple of times, then had sex. Really great sex. We texted back and forth a little bit in the days following, but it always took him longer to reply than I was comfortable with, so after a few days of this, I told him that I'd had a really good time the other day, and was wondering when we were going to do it again. He responded favorably, but then said he wasn't looking for anything serious, and that if I wanted to keep it casual, he'd be open to that. I said sure, I'm into that idea (again, the sex was amazing), and that we should hash it out over a burrito. No reply. Two days later, I say, "or maybe not, I suppose," and a full day after that, he says, "I'm bad at texting; yeah, getting together sounds good."

 

Nuh-uh. That is not good enough for me, even in a casual situation. I was very clear about wanting to see him again, but his lack of enthusiasm signals way low interest. Maybe he's really not and he's waiting for me to initiate it, but there's no way in hell I'm going to do that, not after days of equivocal bs. I ended up waiting a day and then texted him back telling him to let me know when he's available, and predictably, he hasn't. Maybe he really is just bad at texting, but even so, people who are interested (even in casual sex) act interested.

 

My point is, try and act interested towards this woman. There is risk in doing so, but it's not fair to put all the risk onto one person in the party. If I were her, I'd for sure think that your lack of initiating means you're not that interested.

[KBarletta]

Yep. This is exactly my situation now. A guy from work asked me out, we went out a couple of times, then had sex. Really great sex. We texted back and forth a little bit in the days following, but it always took him longer to reply than I was comfortable with, so after a few days of this, I told him that I'd had a really good time the other day, and was wondering when we were going to do it again. He responded favorably, but then said he wasn't looking for anything serious, and that if I wanted to keep it casual, he'd be open to that. I said sure, I'm into that idea (again, the sex was amazing), and that we should hash it out over a burrito. No reply. Two days later, I say, "or maybe not, I suppose," and a full day after that, he says, "I'm bad at texting; yeah, getting together sounds good."

 

Nuh-uh. That is not good enough for me, even in a casual situation. I was very clear about wanting to see him again, but his lack of enthusiasm signals way low interest. Maybe he's really not and he's waiting for me to initiate it, but there's no way in hell I'm going to do that, not after days of equivocal bs. I ended up waiting a day and then texted him back telling him to let me know when he's available, and predictably, he hasn't. Maybe he really is just bad at texting, but even so, people who are interested (even in casual sex) act interested.

 

My point is, try and act interested towards this woman. There is risk in doing so, but it's not fair to put all the risk onto one person in the party. If I were her, I'd for sure think that your lack of initiating means you're not that interested.

 

I agree with this 100 percent. If someone is interested in you, they will make an effort to see you. If they're not they won't. Barring some crazy unforeseen circumstances, this is true 99 percent of the time. So if you're not contacting her - in her mind, there's a reason for that and the reason is most likely you're not interested.

 

Speaking as a man, if I am really that interested in a woman (one that's not already flaking on me or treating me casually), I will make it very clear that I want to see her. If she reciprocates, great. We get together. If she doesn't, I assume she's not interested. It's pretty simple really.

[grazyexes]

Whats the difference between male and female perspective tho? Guys think that girl is not interested if she doesnt text and same goes for girls. Who ever starts the chase loses the power and it should be women imo.

Few texts now and then wont hurt anything I agree, but I prefer to use physical signs face to face rather than chasing her with texts.

[Imajerk17]

I have known this girl for atleast a year. We have been friends all this time but one drunk night we ended up having sex. After that she has been very physical and touches me alot. I can clearly see her interest level has raised alot since.*

Only problem is that she never texts me. I believe that girls should do the texting and guys should try to keep it minimal. As a guy its good to make her wonder about you, but usually girls I have dated and are interested texts me alot, but she doesnt.

I text first only if I want to setup a date or something like that. Texting first alot as a guy will cause 100% rejection.

Usually I know what im doing but turning friendship into a relationship is so damn hard and risky

 

 

You understand that this goes against the way men and women tend to work, right

 

Whats the difference between male and female perspective tho? Guys think that girl is not interested if she doesnt text and same goes for girls. Who ever starts the chase loses the power and it should be women imo.

Few texts now and then wont hurt anything I agree, but I prefer to use physical signs face to face rather than chasing her with texts.

 

But this sounds like misguided PUA advice. You don't "lose power" by initiating; if she is interested she will happily follow suit. If she does not follow suit then she wasn't interested. And women often lose interest when we play it cool, as already pointed out.

 

Women look to us as men to set the tone and lead the way. It typically is on us to be the initiators. (We see it a lot in the thread on here when women ask us to try to divine the intentions of the person she is seeing--someone we never met instead of her....actually asking him herself. But I digress.) Anyway, it's more likely that she wants to text you more, she may be quite responsive if you were to text her more, but she is also waiting for YOU to text her more.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Rainah]

Whats the difference between male and female perspective tho? Guys think that girl is not interested if she doesnt text and same goes for girls. Who ever starts the chase loses the power and it should be women imo.

Few texts now and then wont hurt anything I agree, but I prefer to use physical signs face to face rather than chasing her with texts.

Give her more phone calls rather than texts? I prefer to talk to my boyfriend on the phone than text anyways.

[snowboy91]

Whats the difference between male and female perspective tho?

 

A lot less than you realise. Initiating contact is scary for anyone. I think that part of the reason guys are supposed to initiate is just down to social norms - which both men and women subscribe to.

 

Guys think that girl is not interested if she doesnt text and same goes for girls. Who ever starts the chase loses the power and it should be women imo.

 

Why does anyone have to lose power if they pursue someone? If you have healthy boundaries that you maintain firmly, then you'll never need to do anything you otherwise wouldn't just to get the girl (or guy).

 

Few texts now and then wont hurt anything I agree, but I prefer to use physical signs face to face rather than chasing her with texts.

 

Then use those texts to set up a date! Sure it seems like chasing, but that's only 10% of the effort IMO. Ask her what she's doing on the weekend. Find out when she's free. If she's vague or flaky she might not be into you, and that's that. Again, no loss of power there. It just is or isn't.

 

I'll admit I'm terrible at texting anyone - I only use texts to set up a catch up with people. But that's for the same reason - the conversation is much more fulfilling when it's face to face.

[KBarletta]

Whats the difference between male and female perspective tho? Guys think that girl is not interested if she doesnt text and same goes for girls. Who ever starts the chase loses the power and it should be women imo.

Few texts now and then wont hurt anything I agree, but I prefer to use physical signs face to face rather than chasing her with texts.

 

Again, I think when you're looking at this from the perspective of who has the "power" and who should be doing the "chasing" then you're really not doing what comes naturally to you, and I think that ultimately is going to show.

 

Be authentic. If you prefer face to face, then set up a date. Text her or call her and tell her you want to see her, ask her when she's free to get together and set up a date. On that date, make a move physically, see how she responds, if it's positive, then move forward.

 

If the date goes well, set up another one. Continue to escalate physical contact ... repeat as necessary.