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"Boyfriend" doesn't know how to be a boyfriend


lovelies25

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Hi guys,

 

I would love your advice here. There's a guy in my life who is a great human being, but a terrible boyfriend. I attribute this in large part due to the fact that he has never really dated anyone before despite being in his 30's, whereas I've had multiple long-term relationships. Through those relationships and some less serious dating experience, I've come to have certain expectations of what it means to be in a relationship. And I am fully aware that just because these are my expectations it doesn't mean that all relationships should be like that or that there's necessarily something "wrong" if they're not, so I'm not trying to say that, I'm just bringing it up as context. In the past, when I've been in a serious relationship with someone I'm used to talking to them every day (not necessarily all day every day, but keeping in touch in some form or another on a daily basis) and generally being pretty close and up to date on each other's lives. I'm also used to going on dates - not necessarily all the time and certainly not some fancy or super creative date every week or anything, but partly just doing things together, making plans to see each other, looking for fun things to do together, going out for dinner, etc. And I'm used to celebrating birthdays, holidays, special occasions etc., going away on trips together (depending on how serious it is).

 

So this guy, as I said, is a really good person, but doesn't do any of those things. We sort of keep in touch on a regular basis but it's much more superficial - we certainly don't talk throughout the day and sometimes we don't talk at all, but when we do it's probably like a cute picture or something and nothing more. He doesn't ask about my day, though he will ask me how I'm doing periodically, kind of like how you ask a friend how they're doing now and then but you don't keep up with their well-being on a regular basis. I met up with him and a mutual friend the other day (that I introduced him to) and somehow I felt like the third wheel because they had so much more to talk about because they work at the same place so they chat online at work, see each other and talk in person, get lunch together, share stories about coworkers and work experiences, etc. It's like the friend is 100% more involved in the guy's life than I am. I know it's not intentional and I understand that it's easy to have that kind of interaction with work friends because they're near you every day, and that doesn't bother me, but it's how far away from that that I am that bothers me a bit.

 

Also, he never plans anything (not only does he not plan dates or vacations or any other activity) but he literally never plans to see me in advance. He never tries to make plans to see me - it's always a text on the same day asking if I'm free to "grab a bite" or hang out at my place or his, often at the very last minute. And when we do hang out, we almost never do anything other than maybe get a quick bite and hang out at one of our homes. I know this sounds kind of like a guy who doesn't take this seriously or isn't interested in a relationship but just take my word for it that I know that's not the problem. He also has never celebrated my birthday (he will show up if I plan a get together and maybe send a happy birthday text but that's all), much less Valentine's day, and has never done anything romantic at all (in 4+ years I think the most romantic thing he has done was when he made a dinner reservation in advance one time and that was honestly really surprising). I know romance isn't what truly makes a relationship, but I'm also used to dating men who have been really enthusiastic and excited about dating me and would put in clear effort trying to show their love for me, do sweet and thoughtful things and make plans to see me and do fun things, and genuinely wanting to make me smile, so it's hard not to feel a bit underappreciated and unloved here, and those things DO bring me a lot of happiness and joy and foster a fun and loving relationship so I feel like it is important to an extent.

 

The question is, how do I address this with my guy? I want him to see that these things contribute a lot to a relationship and that I would really appreciate if he would make an effort, but I don't know how to "teach" him these things without coming across as demanding and without sounding like I'm trying to ramp up the relationship 1000x, but I feel like for someone who is satisfied in this relationship where we basically hang out at the last minute every once in a while, it could be overwhelming if I tell him I want to keep in touch more, go on dates, do fun activities, experience a little romance from him once in a while... And of course I also don't want to force him into it if he doesn't really want to do any of those things.

 

Any suggestions on how to get this across to him without overwhelming him and in a way that he can understand it? I also kind of want him to realize that plenty of other men out there are willing and happy to put in all of this effort and would be more than happy to take his place if they think they can make me happier. I don't mean this in a manipulative or conceited way and I don't mean that I want to threaten him or hold it over his head that other men do it better, but part of me feels like if a guy really loves a girl, isn't it natural to want to make sure he's not leaving a gigantic opening for other men to swoop in by doing things that he could be doing but isn't?

 

Any advice would be appreciated! He is a really good guy and as a human being has a lot of the qualities that I am looking for in a partner so I don't want to give up because of something like this, but I also don't want to resign myself to a relationship devoid of all of those joys and happy moments.

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You're a mature woman, you know when you meet a man there is no *fixing* him or *changing him*, what you see is what you get.

 

This man may be a great guy but he's not relationship material and nothing will change that, it also answers why he's never been in a long term relationship.

 

Please forget this guy, he sound emotionally immature and probably all of his life he'll think like a 14 year old boy.

 

The world is full of men, go find yourself one that has reached adulthood.

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Ha well yes, he is in fact great in bed (because he learned quickly despite the lack of experience). I have better chemistry with him than with anyone else I've met in that aspect.

 

But there is also the fact that he is in my eyes a "better man" than any other guy I've met, in that he is compassionate and caring and selfless when it comes to the outside world, and is frequently helping those in need in a way that I wish I had the strength to do. I admire and respect him in a way that I haven't with anyone else, which is why it's not easy to simply move on and find someone else.

 

Also, to respond to Gaeta's comment, perhaps you're right and this will never change, and I know to an extent we can never change a man. I think it's impossible to change a man and who he is fundamentally, but am hopeful that "how to be in a relationship" is something a person can learn, since we have all had to learn it at some point. The problem is, similar to what I just said above, there are plenty of men (including the ones I've dated) that do all of these romantic and other things, but are not as kind, or compassionate, or what have you - and those characteristics I would never expect to be able to change, whereas this seems less fundamental. Also, I think the reason for him not dating is not because he's emotionally immature (though he is in some ways I'm sure), but in part because of upbringing and religious reasons.

Edited by lovelies25
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You can have it all if you keep on searching till you find it.

 

No one needs a special course on how to be in a relationship. If you were taught to be considerate of people's time, to not call last minute, to acknowledge their birthday, to pay attention during conversations, if you've been taught to be curious and open minded about life, to give back what is given to you in kindness : then you will be good at *relationships*.

 

To change this man you'd have to raise him from childhood again an instigate in him basic courtesy.

 

Reminds me of a blind date my sister-in-law set me up with. She kept saying what a great guy he was, he was the salt of the earth. I went on a blind date with him and got kind of mad at my SIL. The man hated his job, hated his apartment, had never been in a LTR at 45, didn't cook and fed himself frozen pizza all week long and 3 nights a week was poker night.

 

Now I don't doubt he was a good human being and a good friend, he surely was the type of man you could count on on moving day but for a woman he was not relationship material at all.

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He is emotionally inept, that is why he doesn't have what it takes for a relationship. He's never had the need or desire for emotional connection, that's why he's been single for so long. Possibly he never experienced affection from his parent or his parents were cold to each other, so he never developed to connect with people on that level. I know such a person. He has never had any real desire for a relationship and when he was in one, he didn't made any effort to woo her, didn't buy her anything for Valentines Day or bring her flowers, never took her out. That was years ago and he's hasn't bothered since.

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I am sure that sometime over the past four years you've communicated your dissatisfaction to him. If not, this is on you. He can't read your mind.

 

Assuming you have raised it before, I hate to say it, but men in their mid-30s aren't widely known for their ability to change. If he knows what you want and still isn't making an effort for you, that's not because he's sheltered or inexperienced, he just doesn't want to. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he doesn't feel a need to change anything.

 

Have you talked recently about your long-term relationship priorities? Are you on the same page?

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But there is also the fact that he is in my eyes a "better man" than any other guy I've met, in that he is compassionate and caring and selfless when it comes to the outside world, and is frequently helping those in need

 

So if he makes every effort for others, why doesn't he do it for you? I'm finding it hard to correlate a man that is completely giving to others but has such a hard time doing more than just the truly, absolute bare minimum for his partner.

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Its possible you are more into the relationship than he is. It also sounds like you have some idea in your head of what you want a relationship to be to you, and you want to mold him into that.

 

Never works. Ever.

 

When you really care for someone, you accept them for who they are and what they are. If you dont, you arent accepting of him or the relationship. And you wont ever be happy.

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From where I'm sitting, it's not that he doesn't know how to do it, it's more that he doesn't want what you want. You're wanting a proper boyfriend with all the trimmings, and there's nothing wrong with that. He's happy having a more casual but monogamous relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

 

You could raise the issues, but I don't see it changing the type of relationship he wants.

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Sounds like a FWB relationship.

 

You can’t change things after 4+ years. How did you even go on a first date with him? Did he text a couple hours before to grab a bite to eat? It sounds like you’re trying to change a casual sex relationship into a standard love relationship and I’m not sure that’s possible.

 

He hasn’t been in relationships before for a reason, and his story about not having a lot of sexual experience could be a line that he uses to get women into bed. Just because he’s never been in a relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a lot of sexual experience. It could be that he bounces from one no-strings sex relationship to another and each time he tells the woman that he hasn’t been in a relationship so that she’ll assume that he hasn’t had a lot of sex before.

 

Has he ever said that he loves you or cares about you? What is his response when you say those things to him? Does he give you a line about needing more time for his feelings to grow and here you are four years later and he’s never said it?

 

Do you eventually want to be married whether to him or someone else? I don’t see how a man who won’t ask you on a date and won’t celebrate birthdays or Valentine’s Day will buy you a ring and propose.

 

This is who he is. If the sex is enough for you to stay, then enjoy it and stay, but don’t waste time expecting him to change.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Ha well yes, he is in fact great in bed (because he learned quickly despite the lack of experience). I have better chemistry with him than with anyone else I've met in that aspect.

 

But there is also the fact that he is in my eyes a "better man" than any other guy I've met, in that he is compassionate and caring and selfless when it comes to the outside world, and is frequently helping those in need in a way that I wish I had the strength to do. I admire and respect him in a way that I haven't with anyone else, which is why it's not easy to simply move on and find someone else.

 

Also, to respond to Gaeta's comment, perhaps you're right and this will never change, and I know to an extent we can never change a man. I think it's impossible to change a man and who he is fundamentally, but am hopeful that "how to be in a relationship" is something a person can learn, since we have all had to learn it at some point. The problem is, similar to what I just said above, there are plenty of men (including the ones I've dated) that do all of these romantic and other things, but are not as kind, or compassionate, or what have you - and those characteristics I would never expect to be able to change, whereas this seems less fundamental. Also, I think the reason for him not dating is not because he's emotionally immature (though he is in some ways I'm sure), but in part because of upbringing and religious reasons.

 

If good sex is all he has to offer, that attraction will die over time. I didn't have my 1st relationship till I was in my mid 20s, from observation of relationships around me, I knew how to treat the partner that I was w/at the time. He will not change, if he was a great guy and loved you, he wouldn't need to learn how to treat you well, he just would. If you can live w/the way he is, well then you are good, if not you need to find someone else.

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I feel for you...this guy sounds like the complete opposite of me.

 

I learnt how women like to be treated and how to treat them through experience, but also the way I was brought up.

 

If by now he doesnt know how to treat a woman... I doubt he will be changing any time soon.

 

You have 2 options really. Talk to him and be honest, you need more from the relationship. I'm not sure why you are hesitating telling him. By now you should be able to communicate anything with each other, especially relationship stuff. How he reacts, and if he starts putting in more effort will tell you all you need to know. As right now he is taking the easyyyy life and you deserve a lot better.

 

Otherwise finish things and find someone else. Dont just settle as thats what it looks like you are doing, settling.

 

You are clearly unhappy as things are so one of those 2 options needs to happen.

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He's just happy to have someone to have sex with that's convenient and no effort expended. You'll never change this guy. You may nag him into something, but it will never be emotionally gratifying because you'll know he's only doing it because you nagged him into it and not because he wants to.

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He also has never celebrated my birthday (he will show up if I plan a get together and maybe send a happy birthday text but that's all), much less Valentine's day, and has never done anything romantic at all (in 4+ years I think the most romantic thing he has done was when he made a dinner reservation in advance one time and that was honestly really surprising).

 

Hang on... you've been with him for 4 years? Has he been romantic at any point throughout the relationship (namely the first year or so)?

 

You should start mentioning these things - if you don't want to do it all at once, start with one thing at a time. Suggest he organise a date this weekend (and maybe you organise one the next). Then when birthdays come along, suggest what you want him to do.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

What seems strange to me is that you've been with this man for four years and he behaves this way. If a man was crap at communicating, not making an effort I think he's a commitment-phobe or not that into me, likes the security and comfort of a relationship. It's not the whole inexperienced thing, people gain experience in a relationship whether they've had five long-term relationships or are in their first long-term relationship and he's been in one with you for the past four years so I think he would have enough experience by now to know what makes you happy and feel loved and valued. You only really need experience with one person to figure this s#&t out. I'd say there is something else going on he's not telling you.

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As for relationships, we live in the terrible times. Our culture and media affect us so much and form us into the beings, who believe that the real love consist from going together to the cinema, having dinners, roses on the Valentine's Day and romantic sparks everywhere, most of the time. Our concentration on the romance and extreme reciprocity blind us before the deepness and the importance of friendship, sharing and understanding. We want all this into one, like an ideal Hollywood movie.

 

That's a cliché, pink glasses view on the relationship. The fact is that people are different, they have different needs, different views of relationships and (!!!) different experiences with their parents/caregivers - which most influence what and how we are in the relationships.

If we add the cultural background and all kinds of possible personal disorders and mental illnesses (which are nothing special, by the way) we have many diverse human begins.

 

Each human being experiences love in a different way, influenced by the things I wrote about above. So the fact that my boyfriend forgets my birthday or doesn't celebrate them (because the question also could be - what is a "proper" birthday celebration?) can mean nothing. It doesn't have to mean that he doesn't love me.

 

What you have to ask yourself is: what are my needs in a relationship? What do I need to feel good? And then ask your boyfriend if he is able to give you these things.

 

I can see that people make big mistakes - they want proof of love and they forget what's really important in relationship. But everybody must do this journey and find it alone.

 

Your boyfriend sounds a bit schizoid to me. Try to search something about this. Don't make a conclusion, just observe, give him love the way you can do it and see. If you realize that you are not giving what you need, tell him. If he cannot give it to you, then accept it or leave.

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Ha well yes, he is in fact great in bed (because he learned quickly despite the lack of experience). I have better chemistry with him than with anyone else I've met in that aspect.

 

But there is also the fact that he is in my eyes a "better man" than any other guy I've met, in that he is compassionate and caring and selfless when it comes to the outside world, and is frequently helping those in need in a way that I wish I had the strength to do. I admire and respect him in a way that I haven't with anyone else, which is why it's not easy to simply move on and find someone else.

 

Also, to respond to Gaeta's comment, perhaps you're right and this will never change, and I know to an extent we can never change a man. I think it's impossible to change a man and who he is fundamentally, but am hopeful that "how to be in a relationship" is something a person can learn, since we have all had to learn it at some point. The problem is, similar to what I just said above, there are plenty of men (including the ones I've dated) that do all of these romantic and other things, but are not as kind, or compassionate, or what have you - and those characteristics I would never expect to be able to change, whereas this seems less fundamental. Also, I think the reason for him not dating is not because he's emotionally immature (though he is in some ways I'm sure), but in part because of upbringing and religious reasons.

 

Wow, your boyfriend sounds like an ideal type of man for me :)

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MaleIntuition

It’s no wonder girls get played so darn easy if booking tables, buying chocolate and sending superficial “how’s your day”-texts are the measures that’s being used to dertermine whether or not someone is relationship material.

 

Women (and men) are different and have different ways to express love and affection. Telling someone what you like is not “teaching them how to be a boyfriend”, rather informing them what you prefer from your boyfriend. Yes. Maybe you are fundamentally incompatible, but unless you bring up this issues with him there really isn’t anyway for him to know.

 

I’m also curious if you are planning activities? Are you initiating contact? Four years together is approaching a fairly long time: Any talks about a future together?

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mortensorchid

He doesn't know how to be a bf when he's how old? And he has never had a relationship with ANYONE in ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM? I can't believe that. But then again there are tons of socially awkward people in the world and you have no idea how many there really are. Here is what I have to say about this person and your situation:

 

1) Socially awkward - None of us are perfect to be sure. But I have met some very socially awkward people in my life. Is it autism? Maybe. The mind is a strange thing, to be sure. But I have also reached a certain point in my life where I have standards. I have given up the notion of wanting to make a difference or changing something because I can't do that. Just like no one can change me, and if I'm not good enough for or I am treated badly by someone, they are not worth my time anymore. There is being flighty and then there is basic courtesy. I think this is where some people for some reason fail. And continue to fail.

 

2) Not knowing - There are things that we don't know how to do the right way. And we have to be told. Political correctness has now taken over to such a point that we are afraid to hurt other people's feelings or tell people that they are / are not doing something that isn't politically correct. Instead we have to learn the hard way what is and is not politically correct. On another hand, communication is the key to any and every healthy relationship. If this person is not communicating with you he's not successfully doing much of anything.

 

3) No time -. Has he ever said anything to you about this? Has he ever given a reason or an excuse as to how and why things can't be done? I will bet you anything - and I mean ANYTHING- that he does have time to do other things that he wants to do. And he doesn't let anyone or anything come in between that and him. Priorities, honey.

 

Am I demanding to or unreasonable to want these things out of others? I don't think. I think I am defining what I do and do not want because it's not about being with someone to try to "fix it", it's about being with someone who treats you with courtesy. Fact.

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Lots of people are mentioning * 4 years dating* where did you guys find that? I have been searching and cannot find it anywhere. Also her last thread is dated 2 years ago and she was single.

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He also has never celebrated my birthday (he will show up if I plan a get together and maybe send a happy birthday text but that's all), much less Valentine's day, and has never done anything romantic at all (in 4+ years I think the most romantic thing he has done was when he made a dinner reservation in advance one time and that was honestly really surprising).

 

Gaeta: This is where she notes the duration of her relationship.

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Gaeta: This is where she notes the duration of her relationship.

 

Thank you very much!

 

OP: Would you explain how long you've been *girlfriend/boyfriend*? Obviously this relationship is not a straight 4 years because in May 2015 you were on OK cupid.

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I would keep one eye open for something better to come my way if I was you...I can understand your desire for more...dated a man like yours too...it would have been better to treat him to a taste of his own medicine and do a slow fade from his life as I moved on to happier times with no regrets for him not specifically spelling it out to me in words how he really felt about me...I hope I never see someone I care for even a tiny bit spinning their wheels for me as I kick back and enjoy the little bit I want from them while knowing it's so much more for them than it will ever be for me...it's weak. The other posts here may be right in assuming your partner isn't going to change much, and I'm sorry he let you invest so much if that is the case...but only one way to find out for sure--you will have to talk with him about it...unless you take my initial advice and start moving on without him...like he's watched you move on in your feelings for him while he's stayed behind-on purpose-most likely...hope it works out for you--four years is a long time to commit to a person and shouldn't be undervalued by your partner, especially since you seem rational and considerate of his needs without blowing up at him--he is an idiot if he doesn't appreciate you and yes, you could do so much better than him if he doesn't recognize how much of an asset a woman like that is to his emotional well being when dating. Good for you hon. Don't let his previous treatment towards you get you down. You will be appreciated by a man who values you one day. Keep a good attitude. You can get more out of life if you want to

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