LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

"Boyfriend" doesn't know how to be a boyfriend


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree80Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 27th February 2018, 2:28 PM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 10,501
I don’t think this man wants to become your boyfriend, OP.

As I understand it, he also hasn’t actually told you he wants to be in an official relationship with you again either.

His non-commital attitude with you is a reflection of this.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 2:43 PM   #32
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,448
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I donít think this man wants to become your boyfriend, OP.

As I understand it, he also hasnít actually told you he wants to be in an official relationship with you again either.

His non-commital attitude with you is a reflection of this.
I have to agree with this. Despite what you said in your previous post, I'm not at all convinced you and this guy are on the same page at all. Does he really think of himself as your boyfriend now, or are you just "dating"?

It's not too much to ask to have regular check-ins and say kind, supportive and sweet things about each other. It's not clear why you're settling for this.
lana-banana is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 3:11 PM   #33
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Sorry if I haven't been clear or if any of my posts have been confusing - there's a lot of random detail here and there so I'm trying not to overload (even though I know I've already said a ton...) and also trying not to include a ton of identifying detail about him/our conversations, etc.

If anything, we were not on the same page before when we were split up - I was acting more single whereas he really resisted ever accepting that we were not dating anymore. Also, he referred to me as his girlfriend (in the past) and recently when we had these latest conversations I told him that I was surprised because I never considered myself his girlfriend because I didn't think our relationship had ever reached that level of intimacy and seriousness, and he was surprised to hear that. And I explained (briefly) that I had never considered him my bf because we never do things together or make plans with each other and aren't really informed about each other's lives.

So I know he considered me his girlfriend before and I know he wants to go back to what we had before, but he also now knows that in my eyes, a relationship requires more than our previous level of interaction in order for me to consider it bf/gf level, and he has said he is willing to work on that, I just don't know the best way to move forward from here in a way that will nudge him but not be overbearing and insisting on a specific course of action. Also, during the time that we split up, I once made a comment about how we weren't currently together, and his response was to say that he always considered us "together", just that he kind of lost me for a period of time. I know he's serious because as I said he's not the type to date casually, and he has pretty clearly told me that it's been hard for him to let go because he could see himself spending his life with me and has said various things along those lines which all relate to being committed for life. Trust me, for a long time I was desperately trying to get him to move on and stop trying to hold onto me and it was impossible to do - that has only stopped because he finally decided he wouldn't let religion stand in the way. A lot of this is only happening because he has never really given up on us being together - I was trying to date and move on for a long time so if it wasn't for his persistence and stubbornness (which at the time was super annoying), I wouldn't even be asking these questions.

I even told him (when we were broken up) that maybe he's only hung up on me because he's never dated anyone else and that maybe he would benefit from dating others, and he has been pretty clear on the fact that he has no desire to do that.

Fridita, unfortunately I don't know much about his childhood (at least, not enough that would be useful in this conversation). From what I could tell he had a normal enough childhood, nothing hugely out of the ordinary that I'm aware of. And thank you, I will definitely check out schizoid disorder.
lovelies25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 3:27 PM   #34
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelies25 View Post
Sorry if I haven't been clear or if any of my posts have been confusing - there's a lot of random detail here and there so I'm trying not to overload
Don't worry, we can handle a lot of details

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelies25 View Post
And I explained (briefly) that I had never considered him my bf because we never do things together or make plans with each other and aren't really informed about each other's lives.
Ok so now we have established he's been informed you have relationship expectations, good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelies25 View Post
I just don't know the best way to move forward from here in a way that will nudge him but not be overbearing and insisting on a specific course of action.
Men have different thought process than we do. They are really bad at identifying hints and reading between the lines. If you think giving him a *nudge* will have him start acting you will be disappointed.

Most men want to please us and want to become better men but they need to be shown the way, yes in details. If you ask a man to help you he'll stand there not knowing what exactly you need even if he's surrounded with dirty laundry and dust. *help me* is too vague to them.

Expecting your boyfriend to become your prince charming without giving him instructions is almost cruel to him, you are setting him up to fail.

So, I suggest this to you. Make a list of what you'd like for him * to do* and instruct him clearly how you like it to be done.

Example:

* I would like 1 date per week outside my home
* I would like we set up that date 48 hours ahead
* I would like you call me a few minutes before going to bed
* I would like you tell me childhood stories

etc...

Without a clear list I am afraid he will keep on disappointing you. It takes the romance out of everything but ...you want to be with him.

.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley

Last edited by Gaeta; 27th February 2018 at 3:29 PM..
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 3:33 PM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 150
Why is this his first relationship? Is he socially awkward? Thereís a reason a man doesnít get into a relationship until his 30ís to the point where all his friends know and can confirm that he hasnít been in a relationship before. So, whatís that reason?

This still sounds like FWB that youíre trying to turn into a standard relationship. If heís on board with that too then he needs to start acting like it. IDK, how a man gets to be in his 30ís and doesnít understand how to give a birthday gift or take his gf on a date. I mean thatís Basic Life 101.

Youíre convinced that he wants a relationship with you but what proof do you have other than some words? If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would act like it. Believe his actions, not his words. And right now, his actions are saying that youíre his pipeline to effortless, last-minute sex. How do you know he even likes your personality if he barely wants to talk to you and doesnít make any effort to stay up-to-date on your life?

Which is more likely, a man so clueless that he doesnít know that he should set up a date with his gf or a man thatís in it for the sex and will keep calling for last minute sex as long as he doesn't have to make any effort to get it?

Quote:
in 4+ years I think the most romantic thing he has done was when he made a dinner reservation in advance one time and that was honestly really surprising)
So, he can plan ahead and arrange a date, but heís choosing not to. That choice not to says everything.
Yosemite is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th February 2018, 5:48 PM   #36
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 25
If you want that, you should communicate that, but be prepared that it may not swing that way. You can be nice to someone, but not want a relationship. Good people can like someone, but not enough to date. That's fine, but I would communicate your desires and depending on his response significantly maintain or cut back the level of investment.

First step would be to communicate (exclusivity, serious relationship, advancement, just casual).

Next step take responsibility for what you want and put things in place to pursue it. Harder to pursue something when your vision is blocked, clear your head. You are 100% responsible for not getting what you want. You have the option to leave, you have the option to stay, and you have the option to communicate. If you don't do those things the relationship will never be equal.
Sundra1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 3:22 PM   #37
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Thank you Gaeta, that's helpful.

Yosemite (and others) - I completely see your point, it's just hard for me to describe the situation. I know he's not like other men (for better or for worse) and I say that not with the purpose of saying this is why he's so important to me, but just that his experience and knowledge of the dating world is, for whatever reason, really out of tune with most other people, so it's hard to apply the standard ways of interpreting actions to him. I brought some of this up with him recently and he actually said if we want this to work, we should actually stop getting so physical with each other because doing so makes it too easy for him to get too focused on that side to the point that he loses focus on the more important things like getting to know each other, developing an actual foundation for a relationship, etc. It's things like that that make me believe that despite all odds, he's not just in it for the sex and somehow is clueless about some of these things, since he's never done a lot of these things (whether romantically or sexually) with anyone else before.

I think one reason we don't talk very much now is that we used to talk all the time when we first met, but after we broke up I tried to create distance because he wouldn't let go or accept the breakup, and since I was trying to move on I deliberately took a long time to respond to him, generally tried to discourage the intimate and playful banter that wasn't really appropriate for two people who are no longer together, etc. But during that time he would still put in a lot of effort to find reasons to text me and reach out to me (I guess because he had to if he wanted to see me). But now that we're getting back together, it's like I was too successful and that distance is still there in that we no longer talk to each other much between seeing each other. I don't know if it's because now he's reassured that he'll get to see me so he doesn't feel the need to try as hard, or if he's less interested, or what. But anyway, there's a bit of context and backstory for our communication...

Anyway, thanks everyone for all of your advice so far. And Sundra1 (and others), you're right I do need to communicate my needs/desires, I just want to be careful about how I go about it so that it doesn't scare him off or come across as overly demanding or needy (whether or not it's reasonable for me to be concerned about those things, I am).

I'm planning on talking to him soon and telling him how I feel and what I'm looking for and if he doesn't think he can or doesn't want to provide those things then he's free to leave but then he needs to let me find someone who does. Fingers crossed that I'm not overestimating how much he cares about me, but we'll see...
lovelies25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 4:14 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Space Ritual's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,639
OP,

you have a laundry list of expectations that sadly may never be attainable by the majority of guys you date. Doesn't make it wrong or right, just that it will be very hard to achieve for any guy who is totally invested in you. Think about this guy who is not that invested in you...

I agree with the others that you are really not getting anything out of it,

My opinion is that investing in a person who has already shown you mixed results at best is an exercise in Futility.

And life is way too short to be lamenting that the sex is great but the relationship is failing. Please please understand that Life is indeed far too short to devote time to a brick wall just because he can bang well.

4 years of this? Come on now.....You already know the answer.
__________________
I promise henceforth, to be nice....until the time that I'm not so nice again. Then I'll be nice again for a brief period of time.
Space Ritual is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 4:50 PM   #39
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Thanks, Space Ritual. Part of the reason any of this is even an issue for me is because everyone else I've dated has generally in the ways I've described (in their own ways, of course, and to varying extents). The only reason I've come to expect these things is because that's what I'm used to from my previous three relationships (which I realize isn't the biggest sample size ever, but the years I've spent in three different long term relationships have really cemented those expectations in my mind, so I have to actively tell myself that not everyone is like that).

And I know, you're right - life is too short to be wasting time, though I do want to clarify that it has been 4 years of knowing him but only ~1 year or so of officially dating him, the rest of the time was very sporadic and on and off. The problem, as I've tried to describe it, is that it's not just the sex - he is also a wonderful person and whereas every other guy I've dated treated me like a princess, it's also the case that for each of them (and many other guys I know), there is something about their character or personality or whatever that I would feel like I'm settling for. Here, there's nothing about him as an individual that I would be settling for, he has so many great qualities. It's just in the context of a relationship that he doesn't live up to expectations. And I'm not trying to diminish that or say that's somehow less important, I'm just trying to explain that that's why it's so much more tempting to try to address this issue than find another guy who is everything I'm looking for (considering how few I've met in my lifetime) who also has better "relationship sense". The thing is, there are negatives in how he treats me now but it falls more along the lines of inattention and lack of consideration, whereas even boyfriends who have treated me super well, even though they were all generally good guys, I also know they, and many other men, had the capacity to hurt me (not intentionally or physically) in ways that this one never would. It's hard to describe, but even though he's not at all attentive, I also know he is incredibly loyal, has very high moral standards, would never give me any reason to worry or be jealous about things like following half naked girls on Instagram or flirting with other women or getting wasted with his friends, etc.

Anyway, it could very well be that I'm wasting my time and he doesn't really care about me or at least doesn't care about having a real relationship, but just wanted to explain again where I'm coming from and why I'm trying so hard, because I want to make clear that if he were an average guy, I would completely agree with most of these posts and conclude that he's just not serious about me or not invested in me, it's just that he is most definitely not the average guy which is why I'm struggling.
lovelies25 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 4:07 AM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 707
I just think you are wasting time here. 4 years(only 1 officially dating but still) and this is the amount of issues.

You sound like you have been dating 3 months.

Agree with the other posters that you are not getting anything worthwhile back. You say you are so compatible and whatever... Yet none of that is coming across in any of your lengthy posts.

If you really must try and make this work. Have a big talk, lay out how a relationship would need to look for this to work for you. If in 6 months you aren't 95% there in the relationship you outlined, and happy and as in love as could be then just leave.

There are lots of great men in the world. While it can take some time to meet someone truly compatible... Well you don't have that now... And you won't meet them while dating someone else... So you don't have anything to lose. Actually every second you spend dating him takes you one more second not meeting a truly compatible partner.

So 6 months if you must before you go no contact on this guy. He isn't moving forwards with you, and just giving you barely enough to stop you moving forwards with someone else.

Enjoy being single, go meet great men and in about 18 months time when you meet Mr Wonderful you will be thinking why on earth did I waste 4 years of my life with this man.

Relationships that work, they work. When it's too hard and you hardly got off the ground then you need to move on. This should be mainly fun and good times. If it's hard now how hard will it be married with kids and a dog... Do yourself a favour and move on and find some other guy who is good for you
kassy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 10:37 AM   #41
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,692
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelies25 View Post
Anyway, it could very well be that I'm wasting my time and he doesn't really care about me or at least doesn't care about having a real relationship, but just wanted to explain again where I'm coming from and why I'm trying so hard, because I want to make clear that if he were an average guy, I would completely agree with most of these posts and conclude that he's just not serious about me or not invested in me, it's just that he is most definitely not the average guy which is why I'm struggling.
What is not 'average' about him? he sounds below average to me. He gives you no attention or consideration, how is that not below average?

So he won't cheat and he won't be following other women on social media? big deal... most men I know don't follow 'other women' on social media, they're regular guys who know how to handle themselves while in a relationship.

To me you are settling big time. You found some joe-blow that is not interested in social media and cheating so you'll settle for absence of dates, absence of consideration,lack of respect for your time, absence of meaningful conversation, and no real romantic connection.
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 6:57 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Lobouspo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: somewhere in The Land of Enchantment
Posts: 891
You mentioned he doesn't do all these other romantic and caring things guys did for you in the past. In general, what went wrong in past relationships?
__________________
"Do not pray for an easy life. Rather pray for the strength to endure a difficult one" - Bruce Lee
Lobouspo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th March 2018, 9:28 PM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,083
hummm you should turn your private messages on!

I think if you told him exactly the things you wrote here you would be off to a better start (probably minus the other guys like me thing, that's not gunna help anything). You are pretty good at articulating yourself and it shows. No better help between two people than getting things out in the open I think!
dispatch3d is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 3:41 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 10,501
OP, at the end of the day, if you're looking for a long-term, stable relationship, this isn't the guy for it.

He is not interested in being your full-time Numero Uno anymore. You just have not been able to accept it because it hurts too much.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th March 2018, 3:45 PM   #45
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 11
Gaeta - I say he is not "average" because as I mentioned he is pretty religious, so I think most of his life his priorities and interests have been geared towards that so I think 1) his general priorities, values, the way he chooses to spend his time and money, etc. are quite different from almost everyone else I know in my peer and age group (e.g., would rather dedicate himself to volunteering than taking a fun trip with friends, for example), and 2) he has no experience in pursuing women and to the extent he had little flings or flirtations in the past, he said he cut them off after not too long (i.e., physically speaking, they probably did nothing more than make out) because he knew he didn't see a future with any of them. He is not your average guy because he has a sort of innocence that I think is pretty rare in this day in age, at least where I come from. When I say he's clueless and inexperienced, I mean, for example, that he asked me with complete sincerity (and out of curiosity) if I had slept with anyone else before (even though he knew I had been in several serious and long term relationships and I was not of an age where you might not be sure if the people involved have reached that stage yet). So I agree with the description that I'm settling for absence of dates and consideration and respect for my time, but I think the meaningful conversation and romantic connect are there when we are in fact together, he's just no good at maintaining it when we're not (not saying that's not an issue, just clarifying that I do think they are there - if they weren't, I would completely agree and wonder why on earth I'm settling for this joe-blow!)

Lobouspo - nothing really went "wrong" in my past relationships, I consider myself fairly lucky in terms of general dating history and picking pretty good guys. In the first one I realized I just didn't have strong feelings for him, even though I did care about him. He was my first everything and I was honestly excited enough that someone had even asked me out on a date and it took a while (too long, probably) for me to realize my feelings didn't go deeper than that. The second (and most serious and longest) relationship, nothing identifiable was "wrong" and sometimes I wonder if I was being too picky. Everything was good, but when I met him I was interested in starting to date more (since I had only ever dated my first boyfriend) but ended up falling into this second relationship, and down the road I just couldn't get rid of the feeling that I wasn't ready to settle down and hadn't really explored yet or gotten enough experience, so I ended things. The third treated me very well and was even more "romantic" than the first two and we had lots of fun together, but there were just too many other qualities about him that made him not "marriage material" in my eyes. For example - our intellectual compatibility was nonexistent (and I don't mean to be judgmental or arrogant, I just mean we couldn't have the kinds of intelligent, analytical conversations that I would like to be able to have with my partner), smoked/drank a bit too much for my taste, was generally much more into partying than I was.

dispatch3d - Ahh, I don't know how to turn my private messages on! I don't think I'm able to, if I'm not an "established member" yet? In any event, you are correct - ultimately talking to him is the only way to actually address the issue, and I plan to do that next time I see him. But everyone's advice has been helpful so far in figuring out what's reasonable and sorting out the position I'm taking, which is essentially that once I make all of this clear, if he's not interested in making more of an effort then I'm just going to walk away.
lovelies25 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Girl I like captions photo as "Me and my boyfriend <3" but tells me she doesn't? fmfan08 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 75 6th October 2013 12:42 AM
Boyfriend "doesn't feel like hes falling in love" Katt22 Dating 8 18th January 2012 3:01 PM
Boyfriend doesn't know how to say "No" to people. Allie32 Dating 6 23rd September 2011 10:25 AM
boyfriend searched for "rape" and "lolita" porn on his computer confused_gf Second Chances 10 21st March 2010 10:29 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:51 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.