Does he like me or just want sex?

[yellowhibiscus]

I recently just signed up for tinder. I know the stigma attached to it but I have had many of my friends and people I know have success with it so I decided to give it a go. I had my first tinder date with a guy on Friday. We met up for drinks and it was so good! We talked for about 4 hours and then I went to his apartment ( I know, I know.....it was just a good date and I really liked him). When we got to his apartment, things became physical very fast and me being naive wasn't thinking that we were going to have sex. I explained to him that I didn't want to have sex and that I wasn't looking for a hook up. He seemed okay with that but did try to get physical with me and when I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, he did stop and we just talked more. When I told him that I was looking for something long term, he said that he could do that.

 

After having some bad past experiences, I am super afraid that I am going to end up being used for sex and guys just telling me what they think I want to hear.

 

I got a text message today asking me out again for Tuesday. We are going to meet up for dinner. Is this a good sign that he likes me? I just don't want to waste my time on someone that might just use me for sex again. It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene and I really, really, really like this guy. I'm 35 and you think I would be more confident in this by now!

[Art_Critic]

but did try to get physical with me

 

 

Of course he wants to have sex with you.. duh.. that is what going to his place means.. and will mean when he tries again..

 

The trick is.. is he going to tell you what you want to here to get his noodle wet or will he be honorable.. I'd bet the first

 

The other trick is that once he talks you into sex will he call back and move forward.. nobody knows..

Is some guy you don't know worth sharing DNA with before you get to know each other ? only you can answer that.

[BaileyB]

If you like him, continue going OUT on dates with him and do NOT go back to either of your homes. Time will tell if he is interested in you or if he only wants sex. If he's really interested, he will wait until you are ready...

 

That said, I think he probably wants sex. You got his hopes up when you went back to his apartment and got physical on the first date (not a smart move, particularly if you are not down for sex). Don't do that again, unless you are ready to go all the way...

 

But, you should not feel pressure to do anything you don't want to do. There is nothing wrong with actually "dating" and getting to know someone in a public location for the first few dates... there is no reason to skip the fun early dating part of the relationship and rush to sex.

[camillalev]

I know a small handful of people that have met on tinder and went on to have relationships. That being said, the majority of people are on there to hookup. The fact that he moved so fast, then tried to initiate sex AGAIN after the first time you said no, doesnt make me think he's going to want something serious. He wanted to have sex. Yes most guys/people want to have sex, but I would bet thats his #1 motivation for setting up a second date, not pursuing a relationship with you or getting to know you.

 

99.9% of guys swipe right on every single woman in their stack then after getting matches, spam generic messages ("hey how are you") to them, and from those that respond see who theyre actually interested in. Not only scummy guys do this, even "good guys" i know do this to see who they actually have to choose from since tinder is a different game for men than for women.

 

You can bet he's still on tinder matching with different and initiating dates/hookups with them.

 

If you're worried about being used for sex again, I would use a different platform for dating other than Tinder. Try match.com or okc.

 

Like I said, I think his primary motivation is sex, but If you really want to pursue things with this guy, then go on a bunch dates with him without having sex with him for a while. Longer than the typical 3 dates. And see if he initiates actual dates with you, that arent drinks or dinner.

[Redguitar35]

What I don't understand is why so many are bashing sex?? What's wrong with sex? People sound like puritans looking down on this guy if he wants sex.

 

Let me tell you, I do not want to date endlessly without any sexual activity. If a girl doesn't agree to sex during the first date, maybe two, I'm moving on. I read about a guy, younger, with little experience with women, who had been dating a woman for a month and they still hadn't had sex. I'm too old to be wasting my time like that.

 

I personally do not enjoy dates. I find them tedious, and I wouldn't go out on a date unless I thought I thought there would be the chance of sex with an attractive female. Last week I was chatting with a girl on tinder. After we set up the date she threw it out there that she did not want sex. I cancelled the date and hooked up with a girl who did want sex that same night.

 

So my question here is, what's the problem if he does want sex? Are you thinking that if you withhold sex, he'll stick around?

 

Just a guy's perspective.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Redguitar35

[yellowhibiscus]

I know that most men want sex and I want to have sex with him too when the time is right...my issue is with men saying that they want something long term when they really just want sex. It would be easier if more men were up front about what they wanted. But they don't, I dated someone for months before, only to realize that all he really wanted was just sex and he was probably seeing other people at the same time. I feel like a teenager when I think about this new guy, I really, really like him and its been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. I just don't want to feel used again.

[Purrrfect]

Some people want meaningful relationships and eventually marriage. Your love life seems to be a long series of hookups, one night stands and casual sex. That might be for you but that’s not for everyone.

 

 

 

What I don't understand is why so many are bashing sex?? What's wrong with sex? People sound like puritans looking down on this guy if he wants sex.

 

<snip>

Edited February 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate and fix quote

[divegrl]

I know it’s a confusing situation.

 

Don’t listen to anything this guy says; just watch his actions. He should be investing in you. Planning dates, good communication. Continue dating him, but take home dates off the table for now.

 

Give it a couple dates and weeks. You will soon see what his intentions are.

 

Good luck my friend!!!

[losangelena]

Can you ask him what he wants? I find that most guys are pretty honest if you directly ask them. That's not the same as telling them what you want and waiting for them to agree. Then it's easier for them to agree to anything. Ask very specific questions: "what are you looking for?"; "are you looking for anything serious?"; "do you want to get into a relationship?" etc.

 

I think the tricky thing is knowing the difference, especially early-on, because a man who thinks he's on the verge of getting laid can lay it on pretty thick. Bottom line, sometimes you can't tell. Even "waiting" isn't a guarantee. In my experience, I've done best with figuring out when I feel OK to have sex, regardless of when the man wants it. Sometimes that's date one, sometimes the second or third. Some men I've turned down for first date sex disappeared, while some who I didn't have sex with until date four or five also disappeared. Really, you just do not know. But if you can stand the idea of having sex with a man and not feel "used" afterward if nothing comes of it, then I think overall you will be more successful. In your case, I am skeptical of this guy.

 

Try and find out as much of this information as you can before you get down. When/if you do have sex, do it safely, and don't expect too much afterward.

[Purrrfect]

Well I hate to burst your bubble but the fact he’s on Tinder tells me he likely doesn’t want a serious relationship.

 

I’m glad you like him and I hope it turns into something.

 

 

 

I know that most men want sex and I want to have sex with him too when the time is right...my issue is with men saying that they want something long term when they really just want sex. It would be easier if more men were up front about what they wanted. But they don't, I dated someone for months before, only to realize that all he really wanted was just sex and he was probably seeing other people at the same time. I feel like a teenager when I think about this new guy, I really, really like him and its been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. I just don't want to feel used again.

[yellowhibiscus]

Well I hate to burst your bubble but the fact he’s on Tinder tells me he likely doesn’t want a serious relationship.

 

I’m glad you like him and I hope it turns into something.

 

 

I know...but my brother met his current GF on there and also a friend did as well. I have hope that not everyone on there is looking for a hook up. I have tried match.com and and ok cupid with no success.

[snowboy91]

Guys want sex, that's a given. But just because a guy wants sex doesn't mean he will use you. Even if a guy has sex on the first date, if he feels there is potential for a deeper connection (or he's actually developing feelings) he will keep dating you.

 

I got a text message today asking me out again for Tuesday. We are going to meet up for dinner. Is this a good sign that he likes me? I just don't want to waste my time on someone that might just use me for sex again. It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene and I really, really, really like this guy. I'm 35 and you think I would be more confident in this by now!

 

Sounds positive at this stage, but don't forget it is very early days. Take it one date at a time. The general advice of don't have sex until you're ready (whether that be next date or after many more) applies as always. Good luck!

[yellowhibiscus]

Also...his pictures/profile is very cute...a pic of him and his dog- not the typical shirtless selfie or bathroom selfie. We talked for 4 hours....4! I guess I will try to get more answers on the next date.

[Redguitar35]

Guys want sex, that's a given. But just because a guy wants sex doesn't mean he will use you. Even if a guy has sex on the first date, if he feels there is potential for a deeper connection (or he's actually developing feelings) he will keep dating you.

 

 

 

 

I agree with this. I feel like if you withhold sex just as a way to test the guy, or a way to keep the guy around, that's just gonna backfire.

[Cullenbohannon]

I know that most men want sex and I want to have sex with him too when the time is right...my issue is with men saying that they want something long term when they really just want sex. It would be easier if more men were up front about what they wanted. But they don't, I dated someone for months before, only to realize that all he really wanted was just sex and he was probably seeing other people at the same time. I feel like a teenager when I think about this new guy, I really, really like him and its been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. I just don't want to feel used again.

 

Nothing wrong with holding off for a bit. My first date with my fiancee lasted a entire weekend. I got the shirt but nothing else for a month. I knew early on she was offering everything for everything, so i waited.

 

If you feel he is special, then be special yourself. Make sure he knows how you feel about him, and how you value yourself as a woman.

 

Regardless of her past, a woman who holds herself to high value, gets the ring. A woman who doesn't, gets to date the one or you are done guys

Edited February 26, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[Eternal Sunshine]

What I don't understand is why so many are bashing sex?? What's wrong with sex? People sound like puritans looking down on this guy if he wants sex.

 

Let me tell you, I do not want to date endlessly without any sexual activity. If a girl doesn't agree to sex during the first date, maybe two, I'm moving on. I read about a guy, younger, with little experience with women, who had been dating a woman for a month and they still hadn't had sex. I'm too old to be wasting my time like that.

 

I personally do not enjoy dates. I find them tedious, and I wouldn't go out on a date unless I thought I thought there would be the chance of sex with an attractive female. Last week I was chatting with a girl on tinder. After we set up the date she threw it out there that she did not want sex. I cancelled the date and hooked up with a girl who did want sex that same night.

 

So my question here is, what's the problem if he does want sex? Are you thinking that if you withhold sex, he'll stick around?

 

Just a guy's perspective.

 

Many women don't enjoy sex with complete strangers. I certainly don't

 

Last year, I have had a lot of what I consider meaningless sex (still not before date 3-4 though) and I felt really crappy about myself and realized I didn't like any of it. I am not even particularly looking for anything long term, I am just over doing things I don't like because other person is pushing for it.

 

It's kind of funny that you think the girl that wasn't going to have sex on the first date actually lost out because you found another girl. Dude, you are some random on tinder. She doesn't give a s&it.

[joseb]

I feel like a teenager when I think about this new guy, I really, really like him and its been a long time since I've felt this way about someone. I just don't want to feel used again.

 

It's great you are excited, but try to keep your emotions in check. It's only been one date. Way too early to be falling for someone.

[act00]

There are no guarantees. You could hold out for three, four, five dates, and he's still interested, and you seem to connect, and you do the deed, and <poof> gone. You just don't know, and it's really hard when you feel you've connected on a friendship/personality/intellectual level, and you decide to take it to the next level, and they're done. You could be the one ending it as well.

 

It would be nice to have that magic 8 ball that could predict, but we don't. We have to take our chances.

 

He wanted sex. No doubt about it. Surely you did/do too, but you want to wait and avoid a ONS. You went to his place...generally not a good idea. He's asking you out again, and this is good. One date at a time. Sex is always there...he wants it. You want it. Don't think he's not going to try for it. The question is if he just wants casual or serious...you should be discussing this.

[Redguitar35]

Many women don't enjoy sex with complete strangers. I certainly don't

 

Last year, I have had a lot of what I consider meaningless sex (still not before date 3-4 though) and I felt really crappy about myself and realized I didn't like any of it. I am not even particularly looking for anything long term, I am just over doing things I don't like because other person is pushing for it.

 

It's kind of funny that you think the girl that wasn't going to have sex on the first date actually lost out because you found another girl. Dude, you are some random on tinder. She doesn't give a s&it.

 

Well If I had gone on three dates, dropping my hard earned money on dinners and activities to keep some girl entertained, and there still wasn’t any sex after three or four dates, I’d start to feel USED. Or that we were just friends. I’m just saying if that’s the kind of dating you prefer, fair enough, but don’t be surprised if he cuts his losses after months of dates that don’t involve sex. That’s what I’d do. I might have stopped responding to OP’s texts after that first night she blew off getting physical.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Redguitar35

[Jj66]

Just in my small social circle there are three couples getting married who met on Tinder. Tinder is a platform to meet attractive people near you. What you do when you meet is up to you. I think how it is used varies from region to region, and by age, and demographics. In the big cities and among the younger crowd it seems to be predominately for hookups. Among the older set and in smaller cities it seems more like another way to meet people. Of course, because of the reputation, there will be many just looking for a casual hookup but they are fairly easy to weed out in the initial conversations.

 

My fiancée told me during initial texting that there is often and expectation of a casual hookup on Tinder but that is not what she is looking for. I thought it was a much better way to surface her intentions than writing no hookups on the profile. It was a natural segway into asking her what she WAS looking for. She told me back then she wanted to find someone to spend time with. She wanted to find a lover and a friend. She also told me she was never getting married again no matter what. I guess I blew her world apart.

 

My assumption about your situation is that this guy just wants casual sex based on him bringing you to his place on date number one.

[Cookiesandough]

Well If I had gone on three dates, dropping my hard earned money on dinners and activities to keep some girl entertained, and there still wasn’t any sex after three or four dates, I’d start to feel USED. Or that we were just friends. I’m just saying if that’s the kind of dating you prefer, fair enough, but don’t be surprised if he cuts his losses after months of dates that don’t involve sex. That’s what I’d do. I might have stopped responding to OP’s texts after that first night she blew off getting physical.

 

...this doesn’t happen

[I'veseenbetterlol]

If he didn't just want sex, he wouldn't have invited you over to his place on the 1st date. People looking for more then a hookup, don't invite 1st dates or 2nd or 3rd (depending on how fast they move) to their place nor do they suggest going back to their place.

[yellowhibiscus]

If he didn't just want sex' date=' he wouldn't have invited you over to his place on the 1st date. People looking for more then a hookup, don't invite 1st dates or 2nd or 3rd (depending on how fast they move) to their place nor do they suggest going back to their place.[/quote']

 

I'm not sure this is entirely true because I have had relationships in which we went over each others houses at the 3rd date. Also, if he just wanted sex then why would he invite me to dinner? Why not just invite me over his house for "netflix and chill" or whatever?

[newyorker11356]

If he didn't just want sex' date=' he wouldn't have invited you over to his place on the 1st date. [b']People looking for more then a hookup, don't invite 1st dates or 2nd or 3rd (depending on how fast they move) to their place nor do they suggest going back to their place[/b].

 

That's not necessarily true.

[SevenCity]

There are no guarantees. You could hold out for three, four, five dates, and he's still interested, and you seem to connect, and you do the deed, and <poof> gone. You just don't know, and it's really hard when you feel you've connected on a friendship/personality/intellectual level, and you decide to take it to the next level, and they're done. You could be the one ending it as well.

 

It would be nice to have that magic 8 ball that could predict, but we don't. We have to take our chances.

 

He wanted sex. No doubt about it. Surely you did/do too, but you want to wait and avoid a ONS. You went to his place...generally not a good idea. He's asking you out again, and this is good. One date at a time. Sex is always there...he wants it. You want it. Don't think he's not going to try for it. The question is if he just wants casual or serious...you should be discussing this.

 

Just something to think about...

 

Guys may have the best of intentions and want a relationship and STILL disappear after a while.

 

Why? Sex could be terrible, she could be selfish in bed, never offer to pay, had one to many helpings of cray cray, the list goes on.

 

Just because a guy doesn’t want to see you after sex, doesn’t mean that’s all he was after, it could be hes determined you will not make a good girlfriend.

 

Ive has sex with women and instantly decided she was not LTR material - like one girl said “I don’t really do that (BJ)” after I went down on her for an hour.

 

Others I felt the bill had been settled up after a few sex sessions because she never once offered to pay.

 

So yeah, just because a guy doesn’t keep seeing you doesn’t mean you were used. Trust me, if you are a cool chick and giving in bed, guys will rarely pump and dump you.