Should I forget about this guy?

[daisy pooh]

I met Clive online and we hit it off instantly, so, despite everyone telling me not to, I slept with him on our third date, and it kind of turned into a thing - I would go to his place, we'd have great sex, he'd cook us a meal, we went out a few times. But almost every time we would share an intimate moment, a look, a touch or something - he'd freak out. He would start saying that he is very confused and doesn't know what he wants. He offered to introduce me to his friends - then took it back, he got me in touch with one of his friends for tutoring sessions and told her about me. He told me he wanted to be exclusive but didn't want to call this a relationship just yet. So today I snapped, I got so upset (mind you this has been going on for only a couple of weeks), and I told him I didn't want to define anything, but the fact he kept fixating on not defining anything made me worry. I told him I didn't need anything defined, but I also didn't want to hear all the time how we are not a couple (I never asked him to define anything). He invited me to hang out with his friends, then took it back last minute because he himself admitted he rushed into it - when I didn't even ask him to invite me anywhere. I left his place crying today, clearly I am not emotionally very attached, but I wonder why I keep messing things up. He told me he'd been hurt by girls a lot in the past and doesn't want to rush into anything, but he invited me to his place on our second date and has been inviting me to stay over for days. I told him I worry this is just about sex but he keeps saying it's not. I don't know what to do. Should I try dating him or not?

[winny]

Tell him to contact you when he learns not to put the foundation of a new relationship on the emotional baggage he carries from past. It's unfair to you.

No need to feel bad for him because he is being selfish here. Because he was with someone bad before, you shouldn't have to deal with the after effects of it.

 

Why don't they ever want to take things slow with SEX?? That should happen super fast, but everything else SLOW... why???

[daisy pooh]

Tell him to contact you when he learns not to put the foundation of a new relationship on the emotional baggage he carries from past. It's unfair to you.

No need to feel bad for him because he is being selfish here. Because he was with someone bad before, you shouldn't have to deal with the after effects of it.

 

Why don't they ever want to take things slow with SEX?? That should happen super fast, but everything else SLOW... why???

 

I asked him how he can change his mind overnight (literally) and he says he is weird. He also asked me if he could call me in a few days, he doesn't mind continuing our socialising but he cannot guarantee me anything. He says he is in the wrong, he apologised and kept insisting he is a good person. I ask him how on Earth he can be a good person when he slept with me AFTER starting to think we might go nowhere, he kept telling me he has had these issues before and the girls were usually grateful because he was honest with them. I told him why he wasn't honest with me one last time BEFORE we slept together and not AFTER. He was so confused when I told him this, he told me he wanted to see if he actually liked me, but then asked me to hang out with him again?? I told him I didn't want to see him or hear from him every again. Wtf happened there??

[Zahara]

I asked him how he can change his mind overnight (literally) and he says he is weird. He also asked me if he could call me in a few days, he doesn't mind continuing our socialising but he cannot guarantee me anything. He says he is in the wrong, he apologised and kept insisting he is a good person. I ask him how on Earth he can be a good person when he slept with me AFTER starting to think we might go nowhere, he kept telling me he has had these issues before and the girls were usually grateful because he was honest with them. I told him why he wasn't honest with me one last time BEFORE we slept together and not AFTER. He was so confused when I told him this, he told me he wanted to see if he actually liked me, but then asked me to hang out with him again?? I told him I didn't want to see him or hear from him every again. Wtf happened there??

 

So, knowing he has issues with attachment and emotional availability, he ropes women in and then when he triggers, he is honest with them? What a bunch of baloney. I'm sure they were grateful and feeling much pity for this tortured soul. And the whole I am a good person script, is just him alleviating his guilt.

 

Stay away from him. If he has hang ups about dating/relationships, he shouldn't be out there messing with women. Doesn't mind moving fast when it comes to sex but when it comes to emotional attachment, he has to slow down.

 

You did the right thing. Don't let him rope you back in again.

[smackie9]

He's not on the same page as you is all. Some people want to date for a few months before calling it something. It was going a little too fast for him based on your reaction to him in these intimate moments, and it put him off. Is it a crime that he wants to be sure before committing??? If you think he is incapable of having a relationship with you, don't sweat it...just dump the chump and not think about it anymore.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You say you don't want nor need anything defined yet you left his place crying? That doesn't sound like someone playing it cool.

 

I agree with Zahara and will go one step further and say he's manipulating as well. This guy sounds like a hot mess. Do you really want to associate yourself with someone like this? And it's only been TWO WEEKS! Ugh.

 

What do YOU want from him and/or from this 'relationship'? Because I'm not sure I'm buying your spin on things either.

Edited February 26, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[daisy pooh]

He's not on the same page as you is all. Some people want to date for a few months before calling it something. It was going a little too fast for him based on your reaction to him in these intimate moments, and it put him off. Is it a crime that he wants to be sure before committing??? If you think he is incapable of having a relationship with you, don't sweat it...just dump the chump and not think about it anymore.

 

Here is the thing: he suggested we should be exclusive, he asked me if we could try being together, he asked me what I was doing in a month for a concert, he asked me to meet his friend, he asked me if he could meet my best friend - and then took it all back. He is not a child, I shouldn't just tolerate his mood swings and abrupt changes of mind. What am I supposed to do when right after sleeping with you, a guy looks at you and says: I am very confused, it's me / not you. I NEVER mentioned a relationship, I never said we should define anything, I didn't pressure him into anything. In fact, when he asked me to be exclusive, I told him we should take things slowly. But then he started accusing me of presuming things because I want to cuddle after sleeping with him. I even told him to tell me when he is tired of hanging out with me and I will just go home. He starts talking about something and takes it back and it drives me insane. I DID tell him that I don't sleep with just anyone and I would like to think of some kind of future with us, but we should just go with the flow. That is ALL I said. I didn't do anything he might perceive as pressuring or committing, HE begged me to stay with him the whole weekend, he bought an extra duvet for me and asked me to keep my stuff around. But then he would just change completely and go: I think there is a 90% chance this won't work. Clearly he has some inner battles, but don't get a girl's hope up unless you can at least offer her a maybe.

[daisy pooh]

You say you don't want nor need anything defined yet you left his place crying? That doesn't sound like someone playing it cool.

 

I agree with Zahara and will go one step further and say he's manipulating as well. This guy sounds like a hot mess. Do you really want to associate yourself with someone like this? And it's only been TWO WEEKS! Ugh.

 

What do YOU want from him and/or from this 'relationship'? Because I'm not sure I'm buying your spin on things either.

 

I was not trying to play it cool. I was upset because it was frustrating. This is what always happens to me: I tell a guy I want to take things slowly, but they start implying super romantic things, I even told my friend I think he likes me more than I like him, he talked me to me every day all day, made future plans with me / and then felt the need to very abruptly tell me: I am weird and I don't think this is going to work. So just when I start thinking I might actually get attached, he does this. Even if we are taking it slowly, I don't want to constantly be reminded we are not a couple nor will we be one in the near future, even though he asked me to be exclusive. It's a gigantic mind fu"" and I didn't even ask for anything to be defined. What is my spin anyway? I don't want anything with him anymore.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Here is the thing: he suggested we should be exclusive, he asked me if we could try being together, he asked me what I was doing in a month for a concert, he asked me to meet his friend, he asked me if he could meet my best friend - and then took it all back. He is not a child, I shouldn't just tolerate his mood swings and abrupt changes of mind. What am I supposed to do when right after sleeping with you, a guy looks at you and says: I am very confused, it's me / not you. I NEVER mentioned a relationship, I never said we should define anything, I didn't pressure him into anything. In fact, when he asked me to be exclusive, I told him we should take things slowly. But then he started accusing me of presuming things because I want to cuddle after sleeping with him. I even told him to tell me when he is tired of hanging out with me and I will just go home. He starts talking about something and takes it back and it drives me insane. I DID tell him that I don't sleep with just anyone and I would like to think of some kind of future with us, but we should just go with the flow. That is ALL I said. I didn't do anything he might perceive as pressuring or committing, HE begged me to stay with him the whole weekend, he bought an extra duvet for me and asked me to keep my stuff around. But then he would just change completely and go: I think there is a 90% chance this won't work. Clearly he has some inner battles, but don't get a girl's hope up unless you can at least offer her a maybe.

 

This guy wants a relationship on HIS terms and doesn't give a damn about you. It's like he dangles the carrot in your face and when you go to reach for it he yanks it away and then blames you for liking carrots too much.

 

If you think there is a 90% chance this won't work then what are you waiting for? Why aren't you dipping out instead of waiting for him to do it?

 

He sounds like too much bother.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you should forget this guy. His mood swings are ridiculous. He asked you to be exclusive then balked at having you meet his friends last minute. He's behaving in a childish manner. When he tells you he is confused & doesn't know what he wants, believe him & walk away. I couldn't take this emotional roller coaster.

[daisy pooh]

This guy wants a relationship on HIS terms and doesn't give a damn about you. It's like he dangles the carrot in your face and when you go to reach for it he yanks it away and then blames you for liking carrots too much.

 

If you think there is a 90% chance this won't work then what are you waiting for? Why aren't you dipping out instead of waiting for him to do it?

 

He sounds like too much bother.

 

I think you're right. Well, we talked yesterday for an hour, he said he wouldn't mind continuing to see me, he says sometimes his thoughts change and he might feel something for me again. I categorically told him NO, I don't want to see him ever again, he asked to bring the stuff I left at his place, I said he could donate them cause I don't ever want to see him again. So I did. (the original post was posted before my phone convo with him, hence the tone has changed)

[Zahara]

I was not trying to play it cool. I was upset because it was frustrating. This is what always happens to me: I tell a guy I want to take things slowly, but they start implying super romantic things, I even told my friend I think he likes me more than I like him, he talked me to me every day all day, made future plans with me / and then felt the need to very abruptly tell me: I am weird and I don't think this is going to work. So just when I start thinking I might actually get attached, he does this. Even if we are taking it slowly, I don't want to constantly be reminded we are not a couple nor will we be one in the near future, even though he asked me to be exclusive. It's a gigantic mind fu"" and I didn't even ask for anything to be defined. What is my spin anyway? I don't want anything with him anymore.

 

He was managing down your expectations. He wants to be exclusive meaning he wants you on his terms -- exclusive does not equal relationship.

[Zahara]

I think you're right. Well, we talked yesterday for an hour, he said he wouldn't mind continuing to see me, he says sometimes his thoughts change and he might feel something for me again. I categorically told him NO, I don't want to see him ever again, he asked to bring the stuff I left at his place, I said he could donate them cause I don't ever want to see him again. So I did. (the original post was posted before my phone convo with him, hence the tone has changed)

 

Good for you!

[daisy pooh]

He was managing down your expectations. He wants to be exclusive meaning he wants you on his terms -- exclusive does not equal relationship.

 

Again: no expectations were mentioned on my part. He would be super cuddly one second and push me away the next. EVERYTHING was on his terms and it drove me insane. So he had his issues which were not triggered by anything but my mere existence in his life, he didn't know how to handle it and accused me of pressuring him - when I did no such thing, I never asked for anything defined as it was JUST TWO WEEKS. What bothered me was that he felt he could be all romantic and serious with me when he wants to, but when his fear kicks in, I am suppose to get an amnesia and play by his rules. NO.

[Zahara]

Again: no expectations were mentioned on my part. He would be super cuddly one second and push me away the next. EVERYTHING was on his terms and it drove me insane. So he had his issues which were not triggered by anything but my mere existence in his life, he didn't know how to handle it and accused me of pressuring him - when I did no such thing, I never asked for anything defined as it was JUST TWO WEEKS. What bothered me was that he felt he could be all romantic and serious with me when he wants to, but when his fear kicks in, I am suppose to get an amnesia and play by his rules. NO.

 

You don't have to say anything for these types to want to keep you in your place. He knows that the more intimate a woman gets with him, the more they're going to expect and want so before it can even happen, he sets the disclaimer and rule out there so you stay where he needs you to stay and you keep your expectations to yourself, if and when you start to have any.

 

Just because you didn't mention it, it wasn't going to stop him for making sure you know the drill.

[lurker74]

I think you're right. Well, we talked yesterday for an hour, he said he wouldn't mind continuing to see me, he says sometimes his thoughts change and he might feel something for me again. I categorically told him NO, I don't want to see him ever again, he asked to bring the stuff I left at his place, I said he could donate them cause I don't ever want to see him again. So I did. (the original post was posted before my phone convo with him, hence the tone has changed)

 

It sounds like you made the right decision if you feel confident about the break up. But I will say this (and my tone will be different than others in this thread): Everything you felt makes sense and no one needs to justify their feelings - you can break up with anyone for any reason or no reason at all - but the part of your original post that I would be careful about is the part where you snapped.

 

I get why you did. I probably would too. It's natural. But the key to a lasting and great relationship is communication. He clearly was not a good communicator. But I think you may not have been too.

 

I my last long-term relationship, early on I told my SO a couple of times, "Look, I'm not in love with you and we're not about to get married but I like you a lot..."

 

I was couching it because I didn't want to scare her. She said after the second or third time,

 

"Listen, I get that you don't love me and we're not engaged, but can you please stop reminding me?"

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks. And so I stopped. Now, it turned out that there were other major issues with us and though I still love her in some ways (maybe even most), we can't be together. But we learned the communication thing and that is something I bring with me to my next relationship (if I ever have one).

 

So my thought is this...if something is bothering you about a BF, say something and get it communicated clearly and with an action plan before you snap.

[Maggie4]

Just ignore him. What a waste of time.

 

For me, anytime a man tells me he's been hurt before by women, I'm outta there fast! No good can come out of it when a man tells you that. Such a man will find other women. I just know for myself, from personal experience, that this "been hurt before" spells trouble. Who hasn't been hurt?! But for a guy to say it? He's setting you up for disappointments.

[daisy pooh]

It sounds like you made the right decision if you feel confident about the break up. But I will say this (and my tone will be different than others in this thread): Everything you felt makes sense and no one needs to justify their feelings - you can break up with anyone for any reason or no reason at all - but the part of your original post that I would be careful about is the part where you snapped.

 

I get why you did. I probably would too. It's natural. But the key to a lasting and great relationship is communication. He clearly was not a good communicator. But I think you may not have been too.

 

I my last long-term relationship, early on I told my SO a couple of times, "Look, I'm not in love with you and we're not about to get married but I like you a lot..."

 

I was couching it because I didn't want to scare her. She said after the second or third time,

 

"Listen, I get that you don't love me and we're not engaged, but can you please stop reminding me?"

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks. And so I stopped. Now, it turned out that there were other major issues with us and though I still love her in some ways (maybe even most), we can't be together. But we learned the communication thing and that is something I bring with me to my next relationship (if I ever have one).

 

So my thought is this...if something is bothering you about a BF, say something and get it communicated clearly and with an action plan before you snap.

 

Thank you for your post. I asked him nicely not to make such comments anymore, and he said he understood and apologised. We actually had a similar issue a week ago (it's like we haven't only known each other for two weeks, lol). The night before we slept for the first time and before we did, I told him I get we are not a couple but I would like to think we are going towards something. To this he said: well, I was going to ask you to delete your dating profile and if you wanted to try to be with me. The next day I mentioned this via a text, and he was like: whoa, wait a sec, why would you think I would want to be with you? not sure... maybe because YOU said it the night before. I told him I was annoyed and confused, I didn't need anything defined but it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. He called me in panic and asked me to talk to him, he said he had fu""ed up and he apologises. Then a week later / same thing. I DID try to communicate it. When I say snap, I mean I started crying a bit, I was frustrated As I said, when he wanted to be a BF he was acting like one, but when it would freak him out, he would pretend like he hadn't done any of those serious things. It was frustrating.

[lurker74]

Thank you for your post. I asked him nicely not to make such comments anymore, and he said he understood and apologised. We actually had a similar issue a week ago (it's like we haven't only known each other for two weeks, lol). The night before we slept for the first time and before we did, I told him I get we are not a couple but I would like to think we are going towards something. To this he said: well, I was going to ask you to delete your dating profile and if you wanted to try to be with me. The next day I mentioned this via a text, and he was like: whoa, wait a sec, why would you think I would want to be with you? not sure... maybe because YOU said it the night before. I told him I was annoyed and confused, I didn't need anything defined but it seems like he doesn't know what he wants. He called me in panic and asked me to talk to him, he said he had fu""ed up and he apologises. Then a week later / same thing. I DID try to communicate it. When I say snap, I mean I started crying a bit, I was frustrated As I said, when he wanted to be a BF he was acting like one, but when it would freak him out, he would pretend like he hadn't done any of those serious things. It was frustrating.

 

Then you have nothing left to learn from this relationship except that you appropriately exited. I will say that I once dated a girl (OK, woman, but she was 22 years younger than me) that told me she hated dancing. One night out with friends, a song came on and drunk as I was, I dragged her onto the dance floor. She lost her mind and started crying. I obviously felt like a tool. But I didn't know she HATED HATED dancing...I figured she just kind of didn't like it, like most people. So after groveling and apologizing to her for being an ahole, I told her this: some people have preferences and some people have no effing way lines. If you have another no effing way line, let me know because I don't ever want to cross it.

 

Perhaps next time, remember to tell a guy that this is a no effing way line (going back and forth). Then if he knowingly crosses it, you have no doubt left.

[daisy pooh]

Then you have nothing left to learn from this relationship except that you appropriately exited. I will say that I once dated a girl (OK, woman, but she was 22 years younger than me) that told me she hated dancing. One night out with friends, a song came on and drunk as I was, I dragged her onto the dance floor. She lost her mind and started crying. I obviously felt like a tool. But I didn't know she HATED HATED dancing...I figured she just kind of didn't like it, like most people. So after groveling and apologizing to her for being an ahole, I told her this: some people have preferences and some people have no effing way lines. If you have another no effing way line, let me know because I don't ever want to cross it.

 

Perhaps next time, remember to tell a guy that this is a no effing way line (going back and forth). Then if he knowingly crosses it, you have no doubt left.

 

I see what you mean. I thought I made myself perfectly clear to him. I told him on a few occasions I didn't like the hot and cold approach and that is exactly what he did, and since he had no arguments - he just projected it onto me - saying I was dramatic. He apologised over and over again, but he also said a few times he was a good person and he knew himself well (it's like he needed to make himself believe he wasn't treating me like garbage). So I think his apology had nothing to do with him actually caring about what he had done with me, and more with the idea he will not be seen as a / good person.

[act00]

Over two weeks, I think he is being far to dramatic. I agree, he's been kind of laying down the law, so your expectations are a dropped down a notch or two. He can keep you around on his terms with an "I told you so." This back and forth is difficult, but two weeks...meh. Anyone too invested so fast is reason to take pause and worse if he's running hot/cold, and I agree that anyone who is that wounded over having been hurt in the past...well, haven't we all? Sure, it creates warning signs and fears, and some situations are so far worse than others to the point of damage, but if someone is ready to start fresh, they have to accept that vulnerability. If he's still so raw and wounded, maybe he's not ready or maybe he's broken.

 

He doesn't really know what he wants right now, and that's okay outside of the fact he's toying with your emotions. What he's doing is getting fearful of future without taking the time to relax and enjoy getting to know you. Two weeks in? It's easy to feel really loving feelings, but we all know those can be fleeting during the honeymoon phase, and keep those under a lid and maintain some (reasonable) distance. He's all excited to have you spend time with his friends, then backtracks. The wiser choice would be to hold off on that friend thing for a couple more weeks. I think few people expect to be incorporated fully into their date's "other life" immediately. There's just a lot going on with him, and I think you made the right choice to let it go. The other choice would be to ride it out and see if it progresses, but you'd really have to shut down your emotions on this and willing to accept it, and there's no guarantee he'd grow and advance, but rather keep you at arms length until he's in the mood.

[guest569]

I would drop him in a heartbeat. He is all over the shop. Too much drama from 2 weeks of dating.

[daisy pooh]

Over two weeks, I think he is being far to dramatic. I agree, he's been kind of laying down the law, so your expectations are a dropped down a notch or two. He can keep you around on his terms with an "I told you so." This back and forth is difficult, but two weeks...meh. Anyone too invested so fast is reason to take pause and worse if he's running hot/cold, and I agree that anyone who is that wounded over having been hurt in the past...well, haven't we all? Sure, it creates warning signs and fears, and some situations are so far worse than others to the point of damage, but if someone is ready to start fresh, they have to accept that vulnerability. If he's still so raw and wounded, maybe he's not ready or maybe he's broken.

 

He doesn't really know what he wants right now, and that's okay outside of the fact he's toying with your emotions. What he's doing is getting fearful of future without taking the time to relax and enjoy getting to know you. Two weeks in? It's easy to feel really loving feelings, but we all know those can be fleeting during the honeymoon phase, and keep those under a lid and maintain some (reasonable) distance. He's all excited to have you spend time with his friends, then backtracks. The wiser choice would be to hold off on that friend thing for a couple more weeks. I think few people expect to be incorporated fully into their date's "other life" immediately. There's just a lot going on with him, and I think you made the right choice to let it go. The other choice would be to ride it out and see if it progresses, but you'd really have to shut down your emotions on this and willing to accept it, and there's no guarantee he'd grow and advance, but rather keep you at arms length until he's in the mood.

 

a great comment, thanks! this was EXACTLY my problem. I never asked to stay at his place, meet his friends, become exclusive... he would just kind of offer it and then take it back. I have tried riding it out with broken guys in the past and ended up feeling like an idiot every single time. There's gotta be more to life.

[smackie9]

There you go...he's broken and your picker is off. Now you know to stay away from broken boys.

[Veronica73]

Ugh. He sounds like somebody I (unfortunately) know.