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The signs - is he a player or does he want something more


GreenTea937

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If you see a man who on the first date does not want to take you out, and instead jokingly asks what you are cooking and invites himself over saying "he's sooo hungry", what would you make of it. Is he looking for something long term or is he just a player and a user. After you turn him down from coming over and eating your food, and he finally agrees to take you out, but really pushes you into coming over to his house for the first date for dinner/movie is he just in it for the sex. If he's super handsy and he keeps telling you that you are reserved and jumpy and this is like the second date and he acts shocked that you wont go to his house, is this a player? Or is he looking for something long term or just a one night thing?

 

Also this is a man who never tells anything about himself or asks questions to get to know me.

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If he doesn't try to get to know you that is a sure sign he already knows everything he wants to know about you: that you have a vagina. Next.

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It sounds like he's more interested in getting you into bed and not the least bit interested in spending any money in the process, let alone learning who you are as a human being and getting to know each other. There is no courtship, it sounds like. I don't mind affection at all, even on a first date, but "super handsy" is a lot, even for me...and then the accusations..."You're so jumpy." Just pawing at you suggests where his mind is at and what his goals are. He doesn't seem worth your time. Move on.

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I had another gf who dated the same guy. They met online. She says he never pawed at her. She was the one who ghosted him b/c she was not interested. He leaned in for a kiss when they were watching TV on the couch. And she saw his little hands and feet and ran out of there. I just dont understand why the pawing over me, and no touching with her. I do not come off as easy in the least bit. So why was he right from the beginning acting like this around me. I am not the type of girl who looks like is easy to get into bed.

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Also, this guy never would kiss. Or when he would you would stop kissing him b/c his tongue just lays in his mouth and he never moves it.

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Who knows the differences on approaches. It could be that your overall demeanor is more open, so he felt more comfortable touching (pawing/handsy is a different story). It could be that throughout his dating experience, some women were more affectionate from the start, and he became more comfortable being more affectionate sooner, rather than hands off, head straight ahead, don't make a move for 2.4 dates. Maybe he made the personal decision to be more bold because he wants a more affectionate woman, or maybe he figured this would be a way to figure out if a woman was interested in fast sex. There's no way to know. The thing is, moving fast to the sofa and a movie with no real courting and not even planning a nice meal is lazy and almost like he's giving up, so "here's me, take it or leave it, I won't invest much because it's always a failure anyway....let's have sex."

 

I don't know. Just how everything played out in your post, it doesn't seem promising. I love affection, but not the handsy, manhandling, so no. Bad kissing can hopefully be corrected, but even that isn't the biggest deal breaker if everything else is awesome.

 

I went out with a handful of men who hugged upon meeting and one planted a kiss on me on the lips right from the start...I little different, and I liked it (the smacker I can do without until the end). I'm an affectionate person, so this taught me that it's okay to put out that hug when you meet, or not, but I guess this is to say that people are going to adjust their behaviors based on what works and what doesn't and what they like or don't like, and the environment, circumstances, and person they are with can cause an adjustment. Him continuously manhandling and then saying you're reserved and jumpy...he's not adjusting, just pawing, and somehow making it your issue, not his.

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If he doesn't try to get to know you that is a sure sign he already knows everything he wants to know about you: that you have a vagina. Next.

 

 

 

Oh man , ya cracked me up.

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Also, this guy never would kiss. Or when he would you would stop kissing him b/c his tongue just lays in his mouth and he never moves it.

 

 

Wth does that mean , you mean he won't tongue kiss ya and that's pissing you off that much ?

 

Man if a chick dives her tongue in on me , that's it l'm off for good . Can't stand that shyt especially when you don't even know someone .

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So, he isn't willing to take you out, he doesn't show some respect for your personal space, he's boring in conversation and on top of that doesn't kiss. Even if he was interested I bet that you'd get sick of him within a month (and with good reason!)

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He's not a player Players are smooth & suave.

 

He's pushy & cheap.

 

I'd take a pass all the way around.

 

Frankly you'd be better off with a player because you would at least get a great date out of it.

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He's no player, he's just looking for a hookup. "Hungry" or "Thirsty" are terms used of really wanting sex.

 

D0nnivian is right. Players are smooth operators that use different tactics to make you think they are interested in something more serious...telling you what you want to hear, love bombing, etc.

 

This guy is using code simply wanting to have sex. Pretty straight forward.

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The thing about players isn't just about sex, but the ability to have emotional control over women. To have women feel an insatiable desire for them. They have a need to feed their egos with this.

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fieldoflavender
Wth does that mean , you mean he won't tongue kiss ya and that's pissing you off that much ?

 

Man if a chick dives her tongue in on me , that's it l'm off for good . Can't stand that shyt especially when you don't even know someone .

 

Not even for people you’re attracted to? I guess you’re conservative? I generally don’t miss early on unless I really like them but what’s the point of a peck? Such a waste of a kiss imo.

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fieldoflavender

Okay so sorry to revive this thread, I thought I was done with this dude and he pops back up. So ever since our last date, he was flaky so I kind of dropped him a bit and then he texted back - you know the usual so I figure I am still trying to figure out if we are

1) friends only

2) possible romantic interests - the serious long term potential kind

3) casual dating with possible to be FWB

 

I kind of really only wanted 1 or 2 but wanted that to be clear and not something in between. So I guess we are not "friends" anymore because he just texted with something that included something about him being naked but not like a direct sext.

 

So would you say this clenches the deal on him being a player? That he only wants to have sex with me? Except we haven't even kissed by 3 dates?

 

Or is he just awkward and trying to make things "romantic" but taking it too far?

 

Or maybe I should just drop him anyway.

 

Meh guys. Sadly because I am physically attracted to him, I am kind of turned on by it - but I don't want to be someone's f- buddy. I am looking for something long term,, so I don't know if that's also disrespectful to send to someone this early on too. I'm not a prude, but I don't think I can actually do netflix and chill without getting involved.

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He wants to come over and since he would be at your house the bedroom is not too far away. And he’s too cheap to take you out or really not interested in getting to know you.

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fieldoflavender

Okay so maybe I should just give in. He wants a friends with benefits, and honestly he's a good candidate. I am not friends with him, so I don't lose a friend. He's physically attractive to me. I just have to make sure he is tested. And I enjoy spending time with him. And given his track record, he's not really good relationship material. We live close by. So why not?

 

Yeah, I'm kind of giving up on love for the time-being. I used to be more prude and think friends with benefits is a bad idea. But you know what, why not? I guess to me, as long as they're exclusive in terms of the sex, then I'm okay if they go and have dinners or see other people. And obviously it won't be forever. And obviously if we fall in love with someone else, then stop.

 

Maybe this is a really really bad idea. I know I'm contradicting myself about the whole netflix and chill, but meh, I really want to give in now.

 

Edit is that he never said what he really wants. I'm speculating, but maybe I should invite him over and make a move meh. I bet it's what he wanted all along anyways.

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So that's all I need to do next time, send a dodgy pic?

Always assumed that wouldn't work!

 

Yeah if you want to, go for it and have fun.

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Another thing I noticed. I went to his house and his cat's behavior weirded me out. His cat runs from him. Like never lets either of us pet her. He's kind of rough in petting the cat and she hides under the bed or the sofa. I asked him why his cat was so afraid of him. He looks at me with a mischevious grin and tells me b/c he beats the cat viciously. Then asks me if I really think he would do something like that.

 

His cat is very skittish. Never makes any noise. Half the time I think its dead when I'm over. If she's nearby you never would know it. I have heard her purr. The only time she was jumping up and down yelling at him was when he was gone for a while and she looked hungry. He tells me he feeds her people food but she is very skinny. Most cats meow or make noise shes not even half way alive. She seems lifeless and he is not giving her catnip. It seems like a zombie cat who has no life inside of her. Is this a sign of a guy being a douche?

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fieldoflavender

Lol he didn't actually send me a dodgy picture, he mentioned something about him being naked.

 

Okay so this situation is making me upset but the OTHER WAY.

 

So finally I was like I could maybe make out with him, but I didn't want to sleep him if we weren't serious.

 

So he comes over, and then he puts on like ZERO MOVES. I made some moves (not major ones, basic cuddling moves) and he did ZIPPO ( or minimal).

 

So I'm annoyed now. I guess this kind of proves he is not "dating" me to sleep with me? because there were AMPLE opportunities to make SOME MOVE.

 

Then I'm stuck with - what does he want then? I guess the other thing is - he doesn't find me attractive ? =( But what's with all this crap? I actually asked him point blank after why we haven't kissed yet and he said he can be awkward. But like wtf.

 

So in a sad sense, it was better when he was potentially just wanting to sleep with me. Because now that theory is out, I guess he doesn't even want to sleep with me? I mean most girls want a guy to WANT to sleep with them - just not to JUST want to sleep with them. Now if the guy doesn't even WANT to sleep with them, that's a bigger problem. Because if he's not attracted to me, why are we even dating? Why does he still want to see me ? He was even asking me when we could see each other again - so we can all be platonic again? Like wtf.

 

Guys, have any of you done that? Not made a move after 4 dates on a girl you are attracted to? Because I don't understand that.

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