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Can I be fixed?


Redguitar35

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After trying and failing to find something long term, at a certain point I stopped caring about finding a relationship and just focused on having sex with as many women as I can. Honestly, I hated traditional dating, making awkward conversation across a table, etc, and getting no second dates out of it.

 

 

So for the last couple of years, I’ve mostly just been looking for sex/one night stands. I’ll have sex with a woman and generally leave it at that, then on to the next one. Sometimes they come back for repeats, but it’s rare that I sleep with someone more than once. I’m upfront with the women I meet that that I don’t really enjoy dates, and sex is pretty much all I’m interested in.

 

Recently I was scheduled to meet up with a woman I’d had sex with in the past, but after she cancelled the second time this week, I lost interest and blocked her, probably more out of annoyance than anything, I felt like she was wasting my time. Another girl I slept with a couple of weeks ago has been kinda passing hints about doing something on valentine’s. I kinda liked her, but I don’t know if I’m into that kind of hokey dating stuff. That may mean I won’t see her again if what she wants is a relationship.

 

 

Are some people just not romantic, or is this a permanent condition/just the way I am at this point? Have you heard of something like this?

Edited by Redguitar35
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Why not give her a chance? First dates are first dates. Eventually your dates are not so awkward. Eventually you know each other. Heck, you may have somebody that'll have sex with you every night. No more hunting.

 

Wouldn't you rather be able to have sex all the time with somebody you know and care about? Or do you like to constantly hunt and potentially go on dry spells?

 

You can be fixed, but only if you have the right mindset.

Edited by Kentucky
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It appears you have never truly loved. I don't know if at one time you had love in you to give and somehow lost it, or you've never had it and never will.

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I think that’s accurate, I have no love in me to give to someone else. Not sure if it’s just a phase or a permanent condition.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I think that’s accurate, I have no love in me to give to someone else. Not sure if it’s just a phase or a permanent condition.

 

How old are you? Have you always felt this way? Have you ever had a long-term relationship?

 

Do you have trauma in your early childhood?

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I think that’s accurate, I have no love in me to give to someone else. Not sure if it’s just a phase or a permanent condition.

 

Then you can't be loved. The end.

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How old are you?
Early thirties

Have you always felt this way?

I don’t remember

 

 

Have you ever had a long-term relationship?

Not really, longest thing was three months, which ended with us ignoring each other randomly one day and never speaking again.

 

Do you have trauma in your early childhood?

Not really, except moving around a lot (military family)

Edited by Redguitar35
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Yes, I know someone like this. A dear friend of mine, actually.

 

The truth is that he is utterly terrified of being hurt. He has never been able to let down his guard enough to have a relationship, so he comes across as very dismissive and condescending to the women who actually like him and attempt to get to know him. He is deeply insecure underneath it all.

 

The question is, are you happy with your life? If this works for you, and if you're being honest with the women you sleep with, then you don't necessarily have to change.

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Yes, I know someone like this. A dear friend of mine, actually.

 

The truth is that he is utterly terrified of being hurt. He has never been able to let down his guard enough to have a relationship, so he comes across as very dismissive and condescending to the women who actually like him and attempt to get to know him. He is deeply insecure underneath it all.

 

The question is, are you happy with your life? If this works for you, and if you're being honest with the women you sleep with, then you don't necessarily have to change.

 

Hit the nail on the head right there.

But I also think when you connect to with someone then that's different. It takes a lot of people to go through to find an amazing connection. Maybe he hasn't found that yet. I know at 32, I've properly connected on every level, with maybe only 2 or 3 people. And they all broke my heart hahaha

 

But there's something deeply unsatisfying about just sleeping about with no regard to further anything. You must have some future goals of what your ideal woman would be like??? The right love from the right person, Can fix anyones heart

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There is nothing wrong with you. Where is written the rule that you must be in a romantic relationship? You get what you need, you're honest with women crossing your path, you're happy with it so don't bug your mind with the rest of it.

 

You may spend the rest of your life like this, and nothing wrong with it or you may have a change of heart later in life. As long as you're happy all is good. There are plenty of men out there that are life long bachelors, accept yourself and don't let people tell you something is wrong with you.

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Heck, you may have somebody that'll have sex with you every night. No more hunting.

 

Wouldn't you rather be able to have sex all the time with somebody you know and care about? Or do you like to constantly hunt and potentially go on dry spells?

 

You can be fixed, but only if you have the right mindset.

 

These are good points. I’m currently in a dry spell right now after a month where I was having sex several times every week, and it’s a lot of hunting. But relationships/dating is a lot of WORK and I don’t feel like I want to put in the effort. It’s so much easier for someone to come over for sex.

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There is nothing wrong with you. Where is written the rule that you must be in a romantic relationship? You get what you need, you're honest with women crossing your path, you're happy with it so don't bug your mind with the rest of it.

 

You may spend the rest of your life like this, and nothing wrong with it or you may have a change of heart later in life. As long as you're happy all is good. There are plenty of men out there that are life long bachelors, accept yourself and don't let people tell you something is wrong with you.

 

Thanks, that makes sense. My best friend has been married to the same woman for years, but I’ve had countless affairs and flings during that time. I don’t envy him, I guess were just wired differently.

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A friend of mine, after his divorce, has had endless flings over the years until one day, he fell in love with this girl. Unfortunately she was the one that wasn't into a relationship. It messed him up of course, he just didn't want to let go of the idea of being with her. Not a happy ending for him, but there is acknowledgement, he isn't dead inside and that it can take just one person you meet that will change everything about you.

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It all depends how you want to end up at 55 when you're no longer at your peak in looks or performance and you've got health issues---alone but having had decades of no-connection sexual experiences with women who don't really care for you (because they're canceling dates on you) or with someone with whom you can trust your life, heart and vulnerabilities.

 

Neither path is wrong, but you will have to accept the consequences years later for that decision.

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It all depends how you want to end up at 55 when you're no longer at your peak in looks or performance and you've got health issues---alone but having had decades of no-connection sexual experiences with women who don't really care for you (because they're canceling dates on you) or with someone with whom you can trust your life, heart and vulnerabilities.

 

Neither path is wrong, but you will have to accept the consequences years later for that decision.

 

 

The consequences of marrying could be he has to spend his golden years playing nurse to someone instead of traveling and playing golf.

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hey r/g, my original post has gotten zapped. so im typing from scratch (and everything I said before has changed a bit, some bits may not come over too well...but I care enough to give you my thoughts on this)...whether you want to take them in is for you to go along with or not, and that's your choice of course...and I accept that totally.

 

 

hhmmmm...I think if you really wanna change things, best option is to take another look at yourself and what you honestly deeply want from love and look to changing it.

 

 

sex is one thing, real love, respect, tenderness, closeness and emotional security with someone who feels the same way and wants you for who you really are is not even in the same ball-park!!!!

 

 

a new year can be a new start im sure. maybe take this timeout to re-evaluate how people are being used (consenting or not) in this, and think about those affairs, people have children that may be affected, partners have broken hearts etc...

 

 

things like sleeping around are fun im sure whilst they are there, but you are cutting yourself off from meeting really good, genuine and loving people who could really change your life.

 

 

as you get older you may not have the opportunities you are indulging in right now and that will probably also make your self esteem fall just as much as the hollow sex you have been caught up in.

 

 

can you be fixed, maybe as you are not really broken then yes, but maybe think more of needing to grow up a bit and respect not only yourself but those that you encounter a bit more and you might find that with the right person it feels ok to be yourself, it feels ok to be vunerable at times, its ok because you are secure enough not to fool yourself you need empty sex for the hell of it, and when you get it under true love it really is something else.

 

 

don't buy into all this guff about what is expected of us in life, sometimes you just have to do it and live your life, because for all you say about enjoying this lifestyle, I am not really convinced that is the true picture that is being painted; hence you telling us about your dry spell.

 

 

also you need to think about the risks you are taking when things get steamy and out of control, you could be playing with the sexual health of others as well as your self; so to wantonly go sleeping around is asking for trouble on many scores.

 

 

sex as a trade at least has a trade off...I m not sure from reading between the lines you can even say that, it just sounds empty and as though it is leaving you in an unhealthy mind state...and I suspect it is partly why you are having a dry spell in the first place or maybe your reputation is going about town and people don't want to be part of that game with you as its not what they want for their love lives or what they need to thrive in a loving relationship!

 

 

its not too late to change! take this time as a single man and re-think the quality of what lover really is, spruce yourself up a little and get out there with a new attitude and im sure when you are not so desperately looking for the quick fix you will meet a lovely lady that can play a part in mending your distorted visions and misguided expectations of being a man and what that means sexually, its not the whole picture (as many happy guys single or with someone could tell you)...there's way more than what you've spoken about already.

 

 

fixed yes, but only by your genuine desire to look at yourself and grow up and give yourself and antoher person the chance to see you for who you were when you clearly loved (before the many stored up hurts).

 

 

that guy is still there! so ditch all this bluff and go find him again...I reckon youre gonna be in a healthier place for it. see ya. and GOOD LUCK WITH THIS. maxi :)

Edited by maxi105
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Cookiesandough
After trying and failing to find something long term, at a certain point I stopped caring about finding a relationship and just focused on having sex with as many women as I can.

Are you sure you're broken?

You tried and failed at long-term. There's a reason for that. Do you not like it or can you not get girls you want for long-term. If it's the former, there's nothing wrong with you. A lot of people like to drill in our heads everyone is happier in a relationship and that is simply not true for a lot of us. If it is the latter, however, you may have some things you need to work on to get the women you like to like you back for more than sex/want to commit.

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It's up to you to decide if you want to be "fixed" or if you're happy doing what you're doing. As long as you are A/ Honest with all of your partners and B/ Being safe, I don't see a real problem.

 

Me, I agree that I HATE dating. But I also can't do one-night stands. So I am in the position of needing to develop intimacy to have sex BUT not really interested in the dating process to develop that intimacy. Which kind of restricts my pool of potential partners to my friends and acquaintances. Which is tough as well. I'm not the type to chat up a woman at a bar and take her home and sleep with her, though I know plenty of people who do and that's fine.

 

I think there are plenty of people out there like you, especially in this day and age - otherwise things like Tinder wouldn't exist. Right?

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What is there to fix if you think you are not broken? You don't see an issue with it, you seem happy with the way things are so why are we even having this conversation? Scared of stepping out of your comfort zone?

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