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I finally got her number and now I'm stuck.


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Old 8th February 2018, 9:39 AM   #1
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I finally got her number and now I'm stuck.

Ok I probably should state that I'm a 29 year old male who has never been in a relationship before and I'm majorly depressed, suffer ADD and social anxiety (been that since I was 11 years old). The number of times I've asked women out it's been in failure and so I've retreated into myself and haven't asked anyone out in years until a little over a month ago.

She a 26 year old ex coworker from a previous job(24 hour retail pharmacy) who been on and off with the company(3rd time back and currently on 3rd shift). She was married with two kids, however she divorced now and currently single. She is/was dating someone, however it's not serious(not sure on the current status).

Since she's been back if it's not to busy we chatted a bit. At the time I didn't know her relationship status, I assumed she was still married. I should state I'm definitely not outgoing or very talkative at all. It seems no woman will acknowledge me, however it seems she always talking to me or picking on me( in a good nature way)even way back when she first started. She also hugs me here and there when I walk into the store. It's not like were that close or chatted like were friends or lovers to be on a hugging base. She even told me a story twice about an older female coworker who old enough to be my grandmother, asking if we are dating.
supposedly the older woman doesn't like her and doesn't want her with me. The funny thing when she told me this was "What I'm not good enough for P or you'll think I break his heart".

Two months ago I had two teeth removed and fillings done. I didn't get out of the dentist office til 5 hours later. Went to go pick my younger sister's up and we went to see Justice League, afterwards I dropped them off and went straight to the pharmacy and dropped off my script. While waiting for my prescriptions we talked and worked grocery and snack totes from truck delivery. She loves to talk so in the process of not knowing anything about her I find out her entire life story lol even after I got my scripts I was still there for a couple hours. She even started asking personal questions such as if I had a girlfriend or do I want kids and etc. At one point I asked her about any ideas where to go for my 2nd time out of country and she said the Philippines ( Where shes originally from)and that I could go with her if I liked!? Who offers someone to go out of country with you and you barley know each other? At this point I'm like I really got to get her number then out know were she tells me a story about her ex being in her business when it comes to who she dates and she was seeing someone and she threaten her ex with child support if he didn't stay out of her business. After sometime I finally leave and go home.

A week later I go into the store and she's there and we talk and she mentions she went out with her friends and had a little too much to drink at the bar and met this guy and her friend kept dragging her away from him and being hostile towards him and told him she has a man and her reply was that she didn't have one and it wasn't serious. At that point I definitely had to get her number before it possibly got serious between her and the other guy. I eventually asked for her number and that we should hangout and as she was typing her phone number into my phone her response was " but you work to much". I work a lot of overtime both voluntarily and forced at my new job, which add up 32 to 36 hours of overtime. However I can cut back on voluntary overtime and which I did because I been so burnt out and even more depressed than usual. The problem isn't on my end it's on her end. I waited a few days before texting her and ask her about coming over a few hours before she had to be at work since I'm about 3 miles away where she works and where I used to work. She said she couldn't because after she dropped her one kid off at school and she had the other one with her and only time she got any sleep was right before work. Which I understand she has her kids and I don't want to come between that and I know her kids are important and I rather she did put her kids first. However it's been two months since I got her number and texted her. Also I've seen her three times after since I shop there quite often. So question is how do I get her to my place or out somewhere on a date without coming between her and her kids? I also should mention besides working night shift and having to take care of the kids she's also in nursing school taking online classes.
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Old 8th February 2018, 10:13 AM   #2
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You are WAY over thinking things. Sounds like she just wants to have a little fun and that needs to be your mindset too (fun doesn't equal sex..it might, but for now, I just mean have fun doing something that isn't a pain).

Text her and say, ok, I understand you're busy...what nights over the next 10 days would you be available for drinks?

Let her tell you what day could "probably" work. You can let her determine the time but, and this is critical, do NOT ask her where she wants to go. When she gives you a day (or days) and time, say, "Great, then let's meet at ____ at 7." No question mark, no "do you feel like Thai food?" Be clear and definite.

With her schedule, she may cancel. Let her cancel once. If she cancels a second time, don't chase her because she just wants the attention.

Good luck
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:36 PM   #3
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Ok I probably should state that I'm a 29 year old male who has never been in a relationship before and I'm majorly depressed, suffer ADD and social anxiety (been that since I was 11 years old).
So taking those things into consideration for now, do you think you'd be a viable partner for someone, what sort of situations and traits do you think you need to avoid to prevent things from exacerbating your depression, etc?

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Originally Posted by DarkSage209 View Post
She a 26 year old ex coworker from a previous job(24 hour retail pharmacy) who been on and off with the company(3rd time back and currently on 3rd shift). She was married with two kids, however she divorced now and currently single. She is/was dating someone, however it's not serious(not sure on the current status).
Already divorced with 2 kids at 26? Doesn't sound like she's got the best judgment. Possibly dating someone else? Sounds like even more trouble.

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I should state I'm definitely not outgoing or very talkative at all. It seems no woman will acknowledge me,
Honest question: why do you think that is? You should audit yourself. If not in the thread, then internally.

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however it seems she always talking to me or picking on me( in a good nature way)even way back when she first started. She also hugs me here and there when I walk into the store.
Under what circumstances do you consider "she talks to me, so I should date her" a stable foundation for a relationship?

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At one point I asked her about any ideas where to go for my 2nd time out of country and she said the Philippines ( Where shes originally from)and that I could go with her if I liked!? Who offers someone to go out of country with you and you barley know each other?
An unstable person with bad judgment who you should avoid. Moreover, you got invited to take a trip out of the country by a relative stranger and then instead of assuming she's to be avoided, you became desperate to get her phone number, so consider what that says about yourself as well.


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At this point I'm like I really got to get her number
...why?

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then out know were she tells me a story about her ex being in her business when it comes to who she dates and she was seeing someone and she threaten her ex with child support if he didn't stay out of her business.
Sounds promising.

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A week later I go into the store and she's there and we talk and she mentions she went out with her friends and had a little too much to drink at the bar and met this guy and her friend kept dragging her away from him and being hostile towards him and told him she has a man and her reply was that she didn't have one and it wasn't serious.
Nah, this doesn't sound at all problematic...

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At that point I definitely had to get her number before it possibly got serious between her and the other guy.
I'm still waiting for you to describe what you like about her first.

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So question is how do I get her to my place or out somewhere on a date without coming between her and her kids?
More importantly, you should ask yourself why you would want her to come to your place or go somewhere with her. She sounds unstable and this whole situation sounds like a nightmare. Why are you even considering this and not running for the hills?

Last edited by normal person; 8th February 2018 at 12:38 PM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:04 PM   #4
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So, after finally getting her number, you invited her to your place? Now you'll never know how she would have responded had you asked her on a proper date.

Does your anxiety limit you to 'hang outs' vs going out on public?

You have a few things to work on, as NP points out. Good luck!
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Old 9th February 2018, 12:07 AM   #5
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So taking those things into consideration for now, do you think you'd be a viable partner for someone, what sort of situations and traits do you think you need to avoid to prevent things from exacerbating your depression, etc


Already divorced with 2 kids at 26? Doesn't sound like she's got the best judgment. Possibly dating someone else? Sounds like even more trouble.

Honest question: why do you think that is? You should audit yourself. If not in the thread, then internally.

Under what circumstances do you consider "she talks to me, so I should date her" a stable foundation for a relationship?


An unstable person with bad judgment who you should avoid. Moreover, you got invited to take a trip out of the country by a relative stranger and then instead of assuming she's to be avoided, you became desperate to get her phone number, so consider what that says about yourself as well.


That has crossed my mind since forever. I won't agree or disagree with you, however the times that I've been in therapy, all of my therapist have suggested the best way to tackle the problem is to get out make friends and date. Also should mention they're plenty of people with the same situation as me and have fulfilling relationships, so why not me?


She was with her high school sweetheart since she was 16 years old. My understanding was he wanted out and they've been divorced for two and half years now. It's pretty common these days as half of all marriages and in divorce.


That's the answer I'm been looking for however can't pinpoint as to the why or how and not any of the therapist are of any help. Trust me I really tried! Originally it was a lot longer than what is written now.


I'm sorry if I didn't explain it better, however that's not the main reason I'm interested in dating her. I've been interested since I first met her.


I don't see how a divorce and 2 kids makes someone unstable with bad judgement. Also she wouldn't be going out of country anytime soon as she can't afford it. It was more so at a later time when she's better off financial. I took it as she was interested so why not get her number.



Nah, this doesn't sound at all problematic...

How so?



Maybe what I written made it sound like she's crazy and she just might be, however since I've known her no warnings bells have gone off in my head to stay away.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:00 AM   #6
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Ask her on a cheap first date ... maybe like boba or coffee so you can get a feel for her there..... then ask her for a second date and just take things a bit slow unless she pushes things but then youíll know itís just more like a fwb
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:14 AM   #7
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Not many women would accept "just come to my place and hang out" as a first date. She will think you assume she is dtf with zero effort.

I also am not sure what the attraction is...divorced, 2 kids, husband in picture causing issues, probably shaging another guy...there are better women out there.
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Old 9th February 2018, 4:26 AM   #8
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So, after finally getting her number, you invited her to your place? Now you'll never know how she would have responded had you asked her on a proper date.

Does your anxiety limit you to 'hang outs' vs going out on public?

You have a few things to work on, as NP points out. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by Purepony View Post
Ask her on a cheap first date ... maybe like boba or coffee so you can get a feel for her there..... then ask her for a second date and just take things a bit slow unless she pushes things but then youíll know itís just more like a fwb
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Not many women would accept "just come to my place and hang out" as a first date. She will think you assume she is dtf with zero effort.

I also am not sure what the attraction is...divorced, 2 kids, husband in picture causing issues, probably shaging another guy...there are better women out there.
I debated with myself over should I take her out or invite her over...several reasons,

1) She no longer lives close by she has a 45 min drive to work which is 3 miles from my place(idea was to have her come over a couple hours before work)

2) It's not uncommon for a first date to be at one or the others place

3) The guy she started seeing came over her place on the first date (which at the time was the only date)

4) It ultimately doesn't determine your success however studies show depending on place you have a higher chance of success

5) It's not like I'm a stranger she just met
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Old 9th February 2018, 4:46 AM   #9
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I debated with myself over should I take her out or invite her over...several reasons,

1) She no longer lives close by she has a 45 min drive to work which is 3 miles from my place(idea was to have her come over a couple hours before work)

2) It's not uncommon for a first date to be at one or the others place

3) The guy she started seeing came over her place on the first date (which at the time was the only date)

4) It ultimately doesn't determine your success however studies show depending on place you have a higher chance of success

5) It's not like I'm a stranger she just met


1) So, it's convenient for YOU.

2) Who made that rule?

3) Um, yea, my point exactly. I guess you don't want to stand out, eh?

4) What?

5) Therefore, she may have been looking to be taken ON A DATE!

:headbang:
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:08 AM   #10
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1) So, it's convenient for YOU.

2) Who made that rule?

3) Um, yea, my point exactly. I guess you don't want to stand out, eh?

4) What?

5) Therefore, she may have been looking to be taken ON A DATE!

:headbang:
1) Not really/both, ultimately I was thinking of her since she has her kids and she's barley getting by. Why not have her over before work that way she wouldn't have to drive to my place and back. Also yes to a degree it's more easier to interact at home than at a restaurant, etc. Also I'm not familiar with the area she living at

2) I guess you must be old school. A lot of people I know who are committed relationships had a first date at ones place. Also there's no rule saying you have to take out the person you ask out.

3) I don't see why what he does or did reflect on me

4) Yeah that's a thing

5) Either way it still would've been a date

Also if I'm doing the whole dating thing wrong I did mention I've never had success with women, do keep that in mind.
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:40 AM   #11
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To answer your original question bluntly - message her and ask to go out for drinks some time in the next week! She might be after a date, or she might just consider you a friend. Either way is a good thing. And you might get a better understanding of whether she actually likes you by spending more time with her.
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:40 AM   #12
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2) I guess you must be old school. A lot of people I know who are committed relationships had a first date at ones place. Also there's no rule saying you have to take out the person you ask out.

Well, how's that working for ya?

You admit you may be doing some things wrong, but are already set in your ways.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 9th February 2018, 12:59 PM   #13
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Hi. Sorry about the issues you've been dealing with. See a lot of myself in the past in here.

Unless I misunderstood something, asked her to "come over" which is like a booty call according to this place? Maybe ask her if she'd like to go out to [place] nearby and ask her what day/time works best for her. If she says anything but yes without giving an alternative, waste no more time on her
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:01 PM   #14
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This is what my friend's husband did on their first date....asked her out and extended the invitation for her to bring her child along too for a kid friendly date. She did, the rest is history. happily married for over 20 years.

The moral of the story is...don't make this anymore difficult than it has to be. Stp over thinking.

I hope you are seeking adequate therapy for your issues.
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Old 9th February 2018, 5:00 PM   #15
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You are already on a friendly basis. Are you looking to be her friend or you want to date her? Getting her number is not relevant here. You already see her, you already talk at length. In fact she's all talk. And no, inviting you on an international trip was not serious. Some people talk that way.

She already knows whether or not she wants to date you. You just have to ask. I don't mean ask her if she wants to do something or come over or whatever. I mean actually telling her you are interested in being more than friends and asking her if she is interested in dating you.

This is a woman with two kids, she's no shy 17 year old. She's been around the block. She probably already knows how you feel. You will not frighten her by being direct. However if you stay ambiguous, she'll play along.
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