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Everything he says is Perfect - Am I being played?


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Old 8th February 2018, 5:02 AM   #1
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Everything he says is Perfect - Am I being played?

Hi guys, I need third party advice please! I live on the other side of the world pursuing a professional dream and have 2 years to go before having the option of returning to north america. I have a history of dating men in the field i am in, but this was before actually attending school for it; I believe I was living vicariously through my dates. It never worked out and I have a very hard time trusting men in general but especially men of this profession.

Over the holidays, I met someone online; he is fully trained and working in north america in my field, making very good $. He is only one year older than me. When we met, he told me he wanted to fly me out to his city for a date and to meet - because I hadn't had some fun in a while I went- we had a whirlwind 24 hour date including nice hotel; dinner out, a show, you name it. We held hands like we were a couple and although we didn't sleep together we hooked up. He talked about coming to see me in my town, going to visit me in Texas where i was going on vacation, etc.

After leaving, we didn't speak for a week or so and then he emerged; adamant about seeing me again. I told him i was going skiing with friends, and sure enough he booked a last minute flight and came and stayed with me and my friends for 4 days. During that time we skied together, went for expensive dinners, hung out with my dog, he even took care of me when i got sick on his last day and drove my car home - kissing me like i was not sick and reassuring me he truly liked me, etc. (this might sound extreme but our industry is healthcare so i don't think it phased him)

After this, he told me he wanted to come visit me (23 hour flight). We are still talking, and he is apparently booking his flights soon to see me-for 2 weeks. The strange part is he keeps talking about how he likes a girl that is high maintenance and demands things. He says the more demands the better. He has said absolutely crazy things like can i give you my credit card and you can just buy yourself nice things, to can i give you my passwords and access to my calendar, to turning on and following his find a friend on his phone. Thats just the start - I find it BIZARRE and feel like i am being tricked, yet the sweet things he says almost bring tears to my eyes because it seems TO GOOD TO BE TRUE (which usually means it is). A few red flags were he saw pics of me with previous hair colours (blond and red), and suggested i go back to that, even offering to pay for it. I got kind of upset. it never came up again. The other day he mentioned if i was still on the dating app we met on and i said yes, asked if he was and said yea but he hasn't been on any dates or on it and wanted to delete it esp if he was visiting me. I said i would delete if he booked the tickets. The next day he was gone from the app - he told me he deleted it but i didn't have to yet if i didn't want (he could have unmatched me).

Today for fun I sent him a link to this florist that sells my favourite flowers, and he ordered a $75 bunch of valentines flowers. just like that. He said if i upped the demand more he would meet it. But at one point he said he didn't think i had what it takes 'to be in control of him'. My theory is that in his line of work he is tired of making decisions so likes being bossed around. Except I am not that bossy of a person... Other than that i just feel like i can't navigate this, but i am falling for him, even from afar. Today he even said he wants to support me financially so i can ace everything and be able to come back home in 2 years and be together. This stuff never really happens in real life. its mostly fantasy. Im a realist.

In saying this, I have serious trust issues with men and all of my friends are telling me this is probably going to come crashing down hard (i agree); but yet i am truly attracted to him, enjoy his company and have no reason to believe (yet) that he has bad intentions. The problem is he is quite attractive in my view, he's got good friends, is funny and accomplished/ young, owns a house, etc. He could easily find a professional gf back home. SO WHAT AM I MISSING? please help me before i get seriously hurt or worse manipulated? Does he have some weird personality disorder? Is this a challenge? Help.

Last edited by paloma22; 8th February 2018 at 5:17 AM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:35 AM   #2
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Wow; that’s next level extreme. Essentially it sounds like he is trying to buy you, and it sounds like it’s almost working.

This is not “regular” player behaviour, way to much work.

He is either a) very, very into you (which is also a bit extreme after such a relative short term, but not impossible) or b) married back home and looking for some side action. A ski-trip for you. Perhaps a “business trip” for him. I wouldn’t normally recommend it, but perhaps some internet stalking is warranted..?
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:49 AM   #3
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Wow; that’s next level extreme. Essentially it sounds like he is trying to buy you, and it sounds like it’s almost working.

This is not “regular” player behaviour, way to much work.

He is either a) very, very into you (which is also a bit extreme after such a relative short term, but not impossible) or b) married back home and looking for some side action. A ski-trip for you. Perhaps a “business trip” for him. I wouldn’t normally recommend it, but perhaps some internet stalking is warranted..?
I have internet stalked him plenty. he is definitely legit online - i don't have him on fb bc i don't really use it, but do have him on instagram but he doesn't have much up. Maybe i should add him to fb?

i agree its a bit beyond for player material. i've facetimed with him all the time at home, he lives alone in a 1 bedroom apartment he owns, plays video games with his friends - works a lot. definitely not married. I agree, its next level bizarre.

ive been resisting the allowing him to buy me crap because its so unnecessary. but he keeps insisting that this sort of stuff/demands gives him enjoyment and that he likes high maintenance. ive sort of been more open to it but i still feel sketchy about it and not sure if it would actually happen. in saying this, the flowers thing was interesting, because i literally sent him the link and he bought them.

The thing is this guy is not an idiot. Hes smart and has built a life for himself where he is, and he knows its a long rd for me still - we are at v different stages yet he talks like we will be together. Its just a bit much bc its like he knows i deep down want this so much but im in denial it could ever work (bc i truly think its next to impossible). thats why i feel tricked. i guess i have low self esteem atm but i genuinely think hes too good for me so i feel like this is one big joke.

in saying that, i don't give myself much credit and probably could once in a while.

Last edited by paloma22; 8th February 2018 at 5:57 AM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:07 AM   #4
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I do think there are some red flags, like the hair color comment or the fact that he thinks you do not have what it takes to be in control of him.... also the excessive buying things seems over the top - what is he compensating for?

What came to mind was that maybe he is trying to emulate a past relationship? He sounds a bit crazy, in my opinion. As if you remind him of someone he once was crazy for and now is trying to mold you into that person.

Also could be that he has crazy mommy issues?

I don’t know, it’s all really weird indeed.

I remember when i met my boyfriend i could hardly believe that a guy this good looking and accomplished would be into ME!! now 8 months in i still can’t believe it. He’s done a lot of great things for me but he never would suggest for me to change something about me, or that i don’t have what it takes ....
you get the gist.

I just think your guy sounds really scary, actually.
I would be really careful. Keep some self respect.
You are a wonderful person worthy of love, and if he truly is into you and has good intention, then you deserve that.
And if he is not having good intentions, you are still a wonderful person worthy of love - and you will move on and find someone real.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:26 AM   #5
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I do think there are some red flags, like the hair color comment or the fact that he thinks you do not have what it takes to be in control of him.... also the excessive buying things seems over the top - what is he compensating for?

What came to mind was that maybe he is trying to emulate a past relationship? He sounds a bit crazy, in my opinion. As if you remind him of someone he once was crazy for and now is trying to mold you into that person.

Also could be that he has crazy mommy issues?

I don’t know, it’s all really weird indeed.

I remember when i met my boyfriend i could hardly believe that a guy this good looking and accomplished would be into ME!! now 8 months in i still can’t believe it. He’s done a lot of great things for me but he never would suggest for me to change something about me, or that i don’t have what it takes ....
you get the gist.

I just think your guy sounds really scary, actually.
I would be really careful. Keep some self respect.
You are a wonderful person worthy of love, and if he truly is into you and has good intention, then you deserve that.
And if he is not having good intentions, you are still a wonderful person worthy of love - and you will move on and find someone real.
thank you, i agree re the red flags. its all a bit too perfect. your theories are good, no clue re the mommy issues but the moulding into someone else thing crossed my mind. only thing is his most recent relationships he mentioned (which was awhile ago) only one of note and she sounds exactly like me (and looks similar to me - even same hair color). could be others i don't know about. he seems to have a think for blondes/redheads and ive had both red and blonde hair yet his ex looks like me and is brunette. she even is my old profession and was going to go into what i am doing now.

I am very happy to hear you found someone and it seems to be working out despite not believing it- gives me hope. At the same time, do you have any advice for what to do in balancing my self respect with his apparently bizarre/scary, but also kind of interesting requests?

I want to run for the hills but i also just cant even imagine that right now. he means a lot to me and THAT scares me. I know im worthy of love but i truly believe, at least right now, that i will not end up with someone like him (maybe only when i am done school again and at his 'level'). I should also add that i am weak in relationships, i am usually always too weak to walk away when i know its not right. its a serious character flaw of mine. I have only ever ended one serious relationship in my life. The problem is i'm not sure if those minor comments warrant walking away yet?

Last edited by paloma22; 8th February 2018 at 6:35 AM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:40 AM   #6
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It reads very shady to me. It reads fraud. I wouldn't entertain this one. This is what frauds do - they hook you in on being wealthy and you can have the world, and they hook you in on being exceptionally romantic, friendly, and they fit in all the right places...and then they empty your bank account.

The fact you have met him and spent time with him makes it more difficult, but I'm sure you've read the horror stories of women and men who have been duped in similar circumstances.

Just be careful with this one.
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:59 AM   #7
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It all sounds scary to me. Love bombing, spending money on you at whim, and yet, wanting to change something minor about you and saying crap to challenge you to be someone you're not (high maintenance).

Just no.

If you decide to keep entertaining his advances wanting to "wait and see" how this evolves, you MUST put on the brakes and establish some clear and firm boundaries. This is the only way you'll be able to protect your heart when it does come crashing down...and it will. His behavior right now isn't sustainable. Probably when he knows he has you hooked, he'll drop the façade, and the real person will emerge.
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:17 AM   #8
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You can date weird people, it doesn't mean you're being tricked. But it comes down to this: (and I think you already know this instinctively) in a relationship the two people should be equal. This guy wants a relationship that's not balanced.
Thinking long term, you know an unequal relationship, or friendship, cannot last. It can only last short term as role-play fun. It'll end and that's why you're not totally into it.
He may have tried this with other women, but maybe some of them refused to accept large gifts. That refusal puts an end to his fantasy.
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Old 8th February 2018, 10:22 AM   #9
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I understand you being hesitant. It does sound a bit "50 Shades of Gray" to me. But look at it this way: if he were local and not rich, his level of attention would be either a) charming (if you liked him) or b) clingy (if you did not like him).

So what we have here is a guy that:

a) has money
b) likes you
c) may speak in terms of "gifts" in the love language book
d) probably has at least a mild sexual fetish for submissiveness

Yes, there are red flags. But red flags are only signs, not evidence. Don't put yourself in danger but if you like him, it seems like you could be cautious but proceed. On the other hand, don't ignore your instincts. Go slow and avoid over committing or putting yourself in a bad physical or emotional situation.

And thank God for LS because I'm sure if you told your friends, "This really cute, nice guy who gets along with my friends and is rich is creeping me out a little," they'd probably all think you're a bit loony! You're not but the guy has potential at least (except for the hair thing...too controlling for sure).
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:19 AM   #10
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I understand you being hesitant. It does sound a bit "50 Shades of Gray" to me. But look at it this way: if he were local and not rich, his level of attention would be either a) charming (if you liked him) or b) clingy (if you did not like him).
YES!!! This was the first thing that popped into my head when I read OP's post!! lol
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:30 AM   #11
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although we didn't sleep together we hooked up.
what's the difference?

Quote:
After this, he told me he wanted to come visit me (23 hour flight). We are still talking, and he is apparently booking his flights soon to see me-for 2 weeks. The strange part is he keeps talking about how he likes a girl that is high maintenance and demands things. He says the more demands the better. He has said absolutely crazy things like can i give you my credit card and you can just buy yourself nice things, to can i give you my passwords and access to my calendar, to turning on and following his find a friend on his phone. Thats just the start - I find it BIZARRE and feel like i am being tricked, yet the sweet things he says almost bring tears to my eyes because it seems TO GOOD TO BE TRUE (which usually means it is). A few red flags were he saw pics of me with previous hair colours (blond and red), and suggested i go back to that, even offering to pay for it. I got kind of upset. it never came up again. The other day he mentioned if i was still on the dating app we met on and i said yes, asked if he was and said yea but he hasn't been on any dates or on it and wanted to delete it esp if he was visiting me. I said i would delete if he booked the tickets. The next day he was gone from the app - he told me he deleted it but i didn't have to yet if i didn't want (he could have unmatched me).
I'd leave this guy alone. He's probably used to women letting themselves get drawn in by his money because they will let him control aspects of their lives, like what hair color they wear, etc.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:34 AM   #12
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next step is a background check. This usually only costs about 40 bucks. It's worth the investment.

I have a question. Have you met his friends? or any of his family? Have you been to his place?

If you are worried about criminal activity or motivation, make sure you document and send any info to friends, activity in real time with him...and make sure he knows that you are doing it.

IMO he has a fantasy and you just hit the lottery.

I get it,it makes you feel uncomfortable, and question whether there is an obligation of some kind coming....but if you like him and this is how he would like you to be, damn I would be all over that. Take me to Rodeo Drive for some shopping please!
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:49 AM   #13
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Something is wrong here. Sounds like a guy I dated last spring. Actually, exactly like the guy I dated. I never figured out what was actually going down, but enough people told me he was an online predator that I finally broke up with him.

Again something is not right. Please be VERY careful.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:09 PM   #14
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He’s trying way too hard. Have some fun with this guy and then let him go. He’s not long-term relationship material.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:34 PM   #15
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Of course. A lot of players have money. Way over the top, love bomb-y, disappears, inconsistent. He probably unmatched you.

Run.
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