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how important is the "spark"?


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Old 8th February 2018, 12:33 AM   #1
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how important is the "spark"?

So inspired by another thread, I went on one date with this dude who seems okay overall on paper. He's not my type physically, but I mean I could grow to like him based on personality etc. I am also at the age where I can not like be super picky about EVERY single aspect. The +++ criteria guys are all taken. So I can't have good looks, great job, decent person, and knows what they want all in one. Something's gotta give.

I guess I am still affected by my previous relationship. I am scared of running into the same problems. I kind of settled - I knew deep down, I never loved the guy but I didn't want to admit it because he was a "good catch" in other ways. But we were incompatible and has a nasty break up post engagement.

It's been one date - I don't know this guy well enough. But should I give him one more chance? Or two more chances? I think his personality is okay - I could grow to like him more, but physically I don't know. I have grown to be more physically attracted to people based on personality but I am thinking if I don't feel it after 3-4 dates, I should really not try because I would be rewriting history again.

The issue is that guys who are physically attractive to me, for some reason, they all end up being flaky and players. I know I am in my 30's - I can't keep falling for alpha males, but it's so hard sigh.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:59 AM   #2
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You’re not physically attracted to him. Don’t lead him on.

Cut him loose.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:59 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
I am thinking if I don't feel it after 3-4 dates, I should really not try because I would be rewriting history again.
Personally, if I don't feel it after 3 or 4 minutes, I know I'm not going to.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:08 AM   #4
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I have grown to be more physically attracted to people based on personality but I am thinking if I don't feel it after 3-4 dates, I should really not try because I would be rewriting history again.
OP, reviewing your successful relationships, would you say this style worked for you?

Everyone has different attraction styles. Some are immediate or never, some develop over one date, or not, some 3-4 dates like you, some a slower burn. The important thing is that the style you go with and feel works for you and develops healthy interpersonal relationships. Opinion?
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:22 AM   #5
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Well I have found people more attractive based on their personality, but yeah there is a line - for some people, I will just never be attracted. Or there are some people who are attractive initially but if they're a douche bag ,then the attraction significantly reduces.

I think for me, at this point, I've been really thinking about it - what do I want out of a relationship? I would like to start a family and maybe part of it is truly the full package. Not "settling" but at this age, I'm realistic. I'm never going to find prince charming, and I'm not princess charming anymore. Burnt too many times maybe?

But the right match is not perfect, but fast sparks haven't worked out well for me in the past. I do want to find the right person, and I think the last relationship it wasn't just physical attraction I was settling for but also a lot of major issues which was not okay.

I think I will give it a few more dates, but yeah if I'm not feeling it after 3-4, I should probably let him go since he seems super into me.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:55 AM   #6
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Do you tend to socialize with one man at a time or can you/do you socialize with more than one? I ask because a more slow burn get to know for solo stuff can burn up a lot of time especially these days with busy schedules and sparse times to date. Four dates could end up being a couple months for some folks. How does it go for you?
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:59 AM   #7
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Well I used to be against multi dating due to guilt - because one person I would like more, but they aren't clear so I date a few other people (if available). Yeah in these cases, for the "other people" I would need more time to warm up to them. Yeah my last "pseudo dating" with this guy that I just ended things with - 3 dates took place over 3 months which was multi factorial.

I don't think you need to see the person EVERY other day - but once every 1-2 weeks is reasonable imo. If you like them and want to make a real effort. Again, we make time for the people who are important to us.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:55 AM   #8
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Just have a baby via sperm donor and be single until you meet someone you are head over heels about.

I truly do not get this attitude of women feeling “something is gotta give” and settling because of age. Seems really sad to me. The whole “family/2 parent” thing is just a social construct you have been brainwashed to believe is the only way to live. I think this will die out in the next 50-100 years.

Children are actually unhappier with 2 parents that are not in a good relationship than with a single parent. Also people keep focusing on divorce being shock to children but watching a dysfunctional relationship model is so much worse.
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:17 AM   #9
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The problem with your question is that the spark isn’t well enough defined. It’s being used to describe something abstract and intangible, when in reality it might be a mixture of a lot of different things.

Are we talking about sexual attraction? Perhaps similar humour? Conversational styles? A good personality match? Or perhaps just how well this person matches the fantasy we have of our ideal partner. For me it’s mostly boils down to some form of excitement I think.

You mentioned keep falling for “alpha”-males. The very idea that the human population can be divided into two different categories is not only wrong but also very harmful. Of course you will struggle if you are sitting there, at the date, while thinking: “This man isn’t Man enough! He is clearly beta”. Instead, ask yourself what personality traits you are looking for.

In general I think one date might be a bit soon to write someone off if you liked them. But I guess my point is for you to try to figure out what you are really looking for. And drop that beta/alpha mindset.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:14 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
So inspired by another thread, I went on one date with this dude who seems okay overall on paper. He's not my type physically,but I mean I could grow to like him based on personality etc. I am also at the age where I can not like be super picky about EVERY single aspect. The +++ criteria guys are all taken. So I can't have good looks, great job, decent person, and knows what they want all in one. Something's gotta give.

I guess I am still affected by my previous relationship. I am scared of running into the same problems. I kind of settled - I knew deep down, I never loved the guy but I didn't want to admit it because he was a "good catch" in other ways. But we were incompatible and has a nasty break up post engagement.

It's been one date - I don't know this guy well enough. But should I give him one more chance? Or two more chances? I think his personality is okay - I could grow to like him more, but physically I don't know. I have grown to be more physically attracted to people based on personality but I am thinking if I don't feel it after 3-4 dates, I should really not try because I would be rewriting history again.

The issue is that guys who are physically attractive to me, for some reason, they all end up being flaky and players. I know I am in my 30's - I can't keep falling for alpha males, but it's so hard sigh.


What makes you think that you can’t be picky and that all great guys are taken? Who told you this? Do you realize how many people there are in the world?

Wow. Your statement sort of blew my mind. A great case of self esteem issues mixed with pessimism. You should address that first before you date anyone.
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:34 AM   #11
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There is no age to have standards.

There are good men of all ages that are single and looking.

A first meeting is just that 'a first meeting'. If the man presents well enough you think giving him a 2nd or 3rd date then do it.

When I met my bf the very first time in my mind I was not gonna see him again. He was very tall and thin and that wasn't my type. I went home thinking I'll text him thank you but I didn't feel chemistry. Turned out he invited me for a 2nd date before I had gathred the courage to reject him. I decided to accept his 2nd date I had nothing to lose and nothing else to do. To my surprise I saw him with different eyes on that 2nd date. I saw a confident man full of courtesy, very respectful, well traveled with stories to tell. I accepted a 3rd date from him and the rest is history, by date 4 I knew I wanted to date him exclusively and we've been dating 2 years now. I am 52 years old and he is the best relationship I ever had and I am totally crazy about him. I scare myself when I think I was ready to drop him only because I felt he was too tall and thin.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:31 PM   #12
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I always dated guys that were good looking, athletic, whip smart.
We had "the spark" but something was always missing - that deep connection, and feeling that you get each other.
They weren't both a best friend / lover.
Not someone I'd want to spend all my time with even if I was blind.

Then I met a guy who wasn't my type physically.
But the connection was there from day one.
I was so comfortable and wanted to be around him.
He was fun and I felt safe and seen.
It took some time but it grew to be the most intense and passionate love I have ever experienced.

So, in my opinion, do the blind test.
If he's hot but you wouldn't really enjoy him if your eyeballs fell out of your head, move on.
But if you totally enjoy his personality and he's attractive enough you're not repulsed, see if it can grow.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:34 PM   #13
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please define what you mean by 'spark'
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:37 PM   #14
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and please don't say "Chemistry"
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by fieldoflavender View Post
I can't keep falling for alpha males, ...
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