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Dating someone new; not feeling that spark


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 7th February 2018, 1:37 PM   #16
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Not really? But there isn't that uncertainty or fear there that I get deep down in my gut when I feel like I can live and breathe a new partner.

We've only been dating a couple of weeks. I'd say that it started pretty normal. I didn't feel this intense compulsion to see her again as soon as possible (my longest relationships have always excitedly planned for date two on date one), but I definitely felt a strong attraction and that there was a lot of promise there, told my friends I had gone on an awesome date, etc. Date three was when the excitement picked up pretty readily. You know, couldn't wait to kiss her sort of thing. I left feeling "ahh, okay, this is wonderful."

And that has dwindled as the chase has faded and it's settled into "okay, we're dating now".

Without divulging too many personal details, I think what might feel off is that I've taken kind of a caretaker like role in dating her. Holding her hand sort of thing, because she'd been off the market for a while due to some personal issues. It presents a weird little power dynamic where instead of worrying about impressing her, it's like I'm helping her navigate her thoughts and experiences.

But she's also someone whom I've felt comfortable sharing things with. There is a lot there that seems like it would lend itself to a healthy relationship. And not just the "boring" things. The physical intimacy, for instance, is a lot stronger here than it was with my ex.

Are you supposed to know so soon? How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?
Sounds...not stimulating... to me. I totally believe in the spark. The spark means excitement/nervousness. It means you think you've found your match. A partner who is nice and doesn't give the spark is cool, but a partner with the added spark? That is where it's at. It means you found a partner who not only supports you, but challenges you to be a better person just by being themselves. They keep you on your toes. To feel the spark with someone you have to have a certain kind of admiration and respect for them. I feel like anyone who is missing the spark is really selling themselves short.
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Old 7th February 2018, 2:49 PM   #17
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Sounds...not stimulating... to me. I totally believe in the spark. The spark means excitement/nervousness. It means you think you've found your match. A partner who is nice and doesn't give the spark is cool, but a partner with the added spark? That is where it's at. It means you found a partner who not only supports you, but challenges you to be a better person just by being themselves. They keep you on your toes. To feel the spark with someone you have to have a certain kind of admiration and respect for them. I feel like anyone who is missing the spark is really selling themselves short.
A girl I've been dating and talking to since late December actually told me about a week ago that I make her nervous sometimes, but in a good way. I told her she does the same with me. That's how you know there's at least some chemistry
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:26 PM   #18
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A trip to the doctor can clear that up.

There are signs for clinical depression. Having the sads isn't depression... it's being sad.
Depression doesnít have to be clinical to be depression. One is a disorder, the other is a natural reaction to stimuli

For instance, I recently had to kick out a friend/roommate because she was a non-functioning alcoholic and had become a massive financial and emotional burden. Iím talking same timeframe recent. So thatís been weighing on me in multiple ways. She was also my closest friend for the past half year since sheís the only one operating on a similar time schedule and someone I could confide in in ways I canít quite with other friends. So Iíve been lonely.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:48 PM   #19
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A girl I've been dating and talking to since late December actually told me about a week ago that I make her nervous sometimes, but in a good way. I told her she does the same with me. That's how you know there's at least some chemistry
Nervousness just means you care about an uncertain outcome.

When you live in the moment there is no nervousness no matter how strong the chemistry.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:50 PM   #20
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Nervousness just means you care about an uncertain outcome.

When you live in the moment there is no nervousness no matter how strong the chemistry.
Yup.
A lot of people mistake anxiety for "the spark".
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:56 PM   #21
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Yup.
A lot of people mistake anxiety for "the spark".
I basically though that was what it was. What is the spark? Maybe I have mistaken the term for something else. I thought when people referred to a 'spark' they meant the butterflies feeling?? Not the feeling of comfort and familiarity when you're vibing with someone. I wouldn't liken that to a 'spark'...


And who on Earth lives in the moment? To even plan a second date, one must be thinking ahead, anticipating a continuation of the relationship, even it's just for the next date. If you like/respect that person a lot you'll probably be feeling some excitement/unease. Living in the moment sounds like some new age zen stuff
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Old 7th February 2018, 6:40 PM   #22
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Depression doesnít have to be clinical to be depression.
You asked:
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How do I know I'm not just depressed right now, for instance?
We're not doctors and we can't tell you. A doctor can. Avail yourself of their expertise.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:41 PM   #23
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For me, "spark" equates to the attraction between us, the feeling of being drawn toward each other, the feeling of mutual interest in each other's lives, thoughts and feelings, and the feeling of not being able to keep our hands off of each other and the charged feeling that comes from being in physical contact, even just holding hands. The thing is, the spark won't necessarily last although it can, but if there, can really help be the catalyst for forming a deeper connection over time. That all being said, relationships are unique and don't follow a formulaic pattern and feeling connected, and having warmth between the two of you that feels healthy can be a very good thing and the start of something special. Doesn't seem like a dealbreaker unless you just start feeling like seeing her isn't what you want.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:04 AM   #24
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I basically though that was what it was. What is the spark? Maybe I have mistaken the term for something else. I thought when people referred to a 'spark' they meant the butterflies feeling?? Not the feeling of comfort and familiarity when you're vibing with someone. I wouldn't liken that to a 'spark'...

And who on Earth lives in the moment? To even plan a second date, one must be thinking ahead, anticipating a continuation of the relationship, even it's just for the next date. If you like/respect that person a lot you'll probably be feeling some excitement/unease. Living in the moment sounds like some new age zen stuff
Well, at the risk of sounding new agey, you can only live in the moment.
Anything is is just a figment of your imagination.

I find the more I live in the moment, the happier I am.
By far.

As to the first bit, there is a big difference between anxiety and feeling a spark for someone.
One is really bad, the other is really good.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:23 AM   #25
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But you know what's worse? Feeling the spark and then later, hating them because they misrepresented themselves or lied to you, or turned into a jerk. Fastest way to kill a spark ever.
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Old 8th February 2018, 3:26 AM   #26
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I think people sometimes suffer from unrealistic expectations and impatience. We are all flawed. A great love takes time to mature. It doesn't happen at first sight, or in the initial stages. It's something that is nurtured and grows with time.
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:30 AM   #27
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Dating with the spark.


It really depends who it arrives. Some people who like each other and the signs are right then it can happen at the start.


However some people MAY be slower at picking up the signs and the spark may slowly come. It could be through to shyness, experience or not getting the right signals.


I find the slow burn tends to last longer than the fast spark which is mostly likely to burn out fast.


Whats the rush anyway?
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Old 8th February 2018, 3:09 PM   #28
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Dating with the spark.


It really depends who it arrives. Some people who like each other and the signs are right then it can happen at the start.


However some people MAY be slower at picking up the signs and the spark may slowly come. It could be through to shyness, experience or not getting the right signals.


I find the slow burn tends to last longer than the fast spark which is mostly likely to burn out fast.


Whats the rush anyway?
Not so much a rush, I just have a feeling that this girl is very invested. I could see us easily dating for a while, I just donít know if genuine feelings will come from that. Itís easy when thereís this huge spark and youíre filled with this intense and immediate passion, because itís hard to imagine feelings not following. Itís how itís worked in the past.

I donít want to set this girl up for failure or heartbreak. What Iím basically wondering is if the lack of intensity from the start is basically a guarantee that nothing will follow. I never want to lead someone on the way my ex did with me
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Old 8th February 2018, 3:12 PM   #29
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Well, you are. At least tell her you're not feeling the "spark"I would rather a guy say that to me than pretend he's feeling it 100% and then one day the feeling becomes to strong to ignore anymore or he meets someone who does ring his bell and I'm blindsided thinking everything was perfect all along

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Old 9th February 2018, 7:36 AM   #30
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Well, you are. At least tell her you're not feeling the "spark"I would rather a guy say that to me than pretend he's feeling it 100% and then one day the feeling becomes to strong to ignore anymore or he meets someone who does ring his bell and I'm blindsided thinking everything was perfect all along
Yeah Iíd want someone to tell me at the beginning too.
But that said, there are tons of people who get into and stay in R that claim that their feelings grew over time. I have never experienced this but I can only imagine they have a strong friendship.
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