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Escalation


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Old 6th February 2018, 9:43 PM   #1
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Escalation

I'm a woman, 33, pretty terrible at love/romance Now I'm faced with the following challenge, and don't want to miss the opportunity:

- we know each other from couple of years but things changed from friendly to more personal only in the past 1.5-2 months
-we've been on informal 'dates' (walks, lunches, hikes) together maybe 10-12 times (could be more, I lost track), but it has always been innocent besides the frequency of sexual jokes
-we made a bet that I 'lost' so I'm dressing up according to it (way out of my comfort zone but hey it was part of the bet) & we're going for dinner

Is it good time to escalate? Have a talk what the heck we're doing (he's separated so I'm guessing he's rebounding but I don't want to be THAT blunt... But this can't be just friends, right? I don't know what else to think)? Time for first physical contact (hell I want sex pretty badly but considering the nature of the situation we better hold off with that... But some physical contact I'd like to have, I was so far pulling away/running every time it was close to touch)? How to be less awkward? I'd be pretty ridiculously styled hoping this will take the focus away BUT it is still awkward AF? I don't know how to calm down? If I don't I'm a disaster, think broken glasses and spilled food and extremely awkward topics
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Old 6th February 2018, 9:50 PM   #2
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Seems you like each other.
You mention he is separated - how long?

As you know, I met my boyfriend 5 months after he separated from his ex and we are now together 8 months.

I think if two people have a true connection, it does not matter when or how they meet, it just is necessary that they meet and make the best of it.

You guys have been taking it slow, that speaks FOR him, in my opinion, and does not sound like rebounding (unless you only serve as an emotional 'crutch' and he is 'getting it' somewhere else)...
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:01 PM   #3
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Only 4-5 months unfortunately although it was a formality from a while. They've been together for 8-9 years though, and married for most of the time, thankfully no children...... I knew this is brewing for a while though because of his schedule, we're in the same company so I have visibility.......

Heaven, I was thinking about your story, and also the ones of few other users here, this actually gives me some hope because I've always been dead-on that rebounds are doomed......

Yeah, I was convinced he'd push for ONS and I was down for it somewhat, and scared from the other side. But nope, he decided to let me in his world, share his hobbies, interests, teach me things and learn about me, slowly and with no pressure. I'm near shocked he did it, considering initially I'd turn donw any date invite and act as my most awkward self

And for the emotional crutch: I was once an emotional crutch for someone, I was too young and stupid back then so it took me years to get it... Hopefully I'm not old&stupid now I think the difference from what I can tell is that the guy that used me for emotional crutch in my past was centering everything around him, like he'll call me to talk or hang out on his schedule and rarely care for mine, share his stories and brush off mine etc. Here I it is way different in that respect: my timeline and needs matter, and he's actively trying to get to know me better. It could be a player plot of course, the cynic in me tells me that, but to me it sounds like way to much effort for that (especially that I was down for physical only pretty early on, which he may or may not have sensed)

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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Seems you like each other.
You mention he is separated - how long?

As you know, I met my boyfriend 5 months after he separated from his ex and we are now together 8 months.

I think if two people have a true connection, it does not matter when or how they meet, it just is necessary that they meet and make the best of it.

You guys have been taking it slow, that speaks FOR him, in my opinion, and does not sound like rebounding (unless you only serve as an emotional 'crutch' and he is 'getting it' somewhere else)...
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:06 PM   #4
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Only 4-5 months unfortunately although it was a formality from a while. They've been together for 8-9 years though, and married for most of the time, thankfully no children...... I knew this is brewing for a while though because of his schedule, we're in the same company so I have visibility.......

Heaven, I was thinking about your story, and also the ones of few other users here, this actually gives me some hope because I've always been dead-on that rebounds are doomed......

Yeah, I was convinced he'd push for ONS and I was down for it somewhat, and scared from the other side. But nope, he decided to let me in his world, share his hobbies, interests, teach me things and learn about me, slowly and with no pressure. I'm near shocked he did it, considering initially I'd turn donw any date invite and act as my most awkward self

And for the emotional crutch: I was once an emotional crutch for someone, I was too young and stupid back then so it took me years to get it... Hopefully I'm not old&stupid now I think the difference from what I can tell is that the guy that used me for emotional crutch in my past was centering everything around him, like he'll call me to talk or hang out on his schedule and rarely care for mine, share his stories and brush off mine etc. Here I it is way different in that respect: my timeline and needs matter, and he's actively trying to get to know me better. It could be a player plot of course, the cynic in me tells me that, but to me it sounds like way to much effort for that (especially that I was down for physical only pretty early on, which he may or may not have sensed)

I do not think he is rebounding. If he was rebounding, he'd not be taking it so slow and showing so much genuine interest.

BUT - if I were you, I would not push things, not initiate any pushy conversation at this point. it seems you've been doing everything just right and it's best to just let things develop naturally.

With my boyfriend, we always said 'let's take it slow', and of course we did not!! We saw each other all the time (more than we do now), and we always made sure the other person knew how crazy we were about each other!!

But he took his time with proclaiming the relationship (aka girlfriend/boyfriend labels), only did that in October, so 4,5 months into us dating!
When HE was ready.

Given that your guy is fresh out of a long term relationship, I would definitely let him initiate. You have to sit and wait, I think.

The speed has to be on his terms. And you must be patient.
If the chemistry is right, and you complement each other well, it will work just fine.
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:09 PM   #5
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I'm a bit surprised that you had no physical contact. I mean, even with my platonic friends I had some degree of contact, because it wouldn't matter anyhow. Even my boss touches my shoulder all the time.

What I'm trying to say is, I would slow down if a woman didn't make physical contact, such as touching my arm to get my attention.

Hopefully the dinner will move it in the right direction, it's more of a date than a lunch or bike for sure, but from what I've read so far it may indeed be the case the case that he is still waiting for a signal from you, simply because you were a friend for a long time
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:13 PM   #6
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Absolutely agree, the speed should be on him. Actually my emotions want fast, but I KNOW objectively the slower the better for me as well. Although Iíve been single for a while (an year) Iíve had lots of stuff going on and still sorting out, so slow and steady will work best. Funnily thatís the reason I deleted all my OLD profiles and swore not to date until the spring, but life is sometimes funny

Iíve been very passive so far (in terms of initiation, itís 90% on him), so I was afraid heís not sure am I interested, but seems like heís well aware 😂 Iím pretty bad at hiding body language seems like....

Quote:
Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I do not think he is rebounding. If he was rebounding, he'd not be taking it so slow and showing so much genuine interest.

BUT - if I were you, I would not push things, not initiate any pushy conversation at this point. it seems you've been doing everything just right and it's best to just let things develop naturally.

With my boyfriend, we always said 'let's take it slow', and of course we did not!! We saw each other all the time (more than we do now), and we always made sure the other person knew how crazy we were about each other!!

But he took his time with proclaiming the relationship (aka girlfriend/boyfriend labels), only did that in October, so 4,5 months into us dating!
When HE was ready.

Given that your guy is fresh out of a long term relationship, I would definitely let him initiate. You have to sit and wait, I think.

The speed has to be on his terms. And you must be patient.
If the chemistry is right, and you complement each other well, it will work just fine.
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:21 PM   #7
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Ah occasional arm touch I don’t count, I meant intentional contact like hand holding or hand on the lower back etc.

I’m not touchy with people in general though, I can’t recall touching people, even female friends or relatives. In contrast I get very touchy in relationships I’m sure it’s confusing but I can’t help it...

I’m not sure how to give signals. The only times things escatated to physical with me were with guys that just went for it, like nearly without my concent. Maybe because I started very late with dating (late 20s) and have been pretty much in relationships only or not dating at all afterwards, I don’t know the rules of the dating game. I’m just clueless which i guess translates to untrained eye as lack of interest.....

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I'm a bit surprised that you had no physical contact. I mean, even with my platonic friends I had some degree of contact, because it wouldn't matter anyhow. Even my boss touches my shoulder all the time.

What I'm trying to say is, I would slow down if a woman didn't make physical contact, such as touching my arm to get my attention.

Hopefully the dinner will move it in the right direction, it's more of a date than a lunch or bike for sure, but from what I've read so far it may indeed be the case the case that he is still waiting for a signal from you, simply because you were a friend for a long time
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:49 PM   #8
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OK, I have to know.....how exactly are you going to be dressing? Am I reading too much into this? I'm thinking the bet was that he's making you dress in some ridiculously embarrassing getup.....or do you mean just "dressing up?"
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:04 PM   #9
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He is probably taking it slow and not making a physical move until he is emotionally ready for a new relationship. I would not rush him or make any moves. This is actually a good thing. Also, given that you met at work rather than OLD, he is likely to be more cautious because option to ghost or "pump and dump" or whatever is harder so it's much more likely that if he goes there, he actually wants a LTR. This is also why I absolutely hate OLD, people can do whatever they want with no consequences due to lack of any social circles in common.

It's clear that he likes you. I would just enjoy it and let things unfold. Dinner sounds like it's heading in that direction
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:16 PM   #10
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OK, I have to know.....how exactly are you going to be dressing? Am I reading too much into this? I'm thinking the bet was that he's making you dress in some ridiculously embarrassing getup.....or do you mean just "dressing up?"
Pin up with a twist Pretty much think Halloween costume not in February It definitely will make it for the water cooler topic in the coming week unless I'm very cautious but TBH I'm pretty good at taking hair/make up from day to night in few minutes so it should be ok.
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:19 PM   #11
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Pin up with a twist Pretty much think Halloween costume not in February It definitely will make it for the water cooler topic in the coming week unless I'm very cautious but TBH I'm pretty good at taking hair/make up from day to night in few minutes so it should be ok.
Do you two work together?

I think the fact that he "requested" this look from you is a pretty clear indicator he's interested. That, and the twelve date/non-dates
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:20 PM   #12
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You're right - it is so easy to fade in OLD but not when you work together and have ton of common friends/acquaintances. Makes sense to move slowly and only if sure. I'm leaving it up to him to set the pace but funnily he seems like he's watching more for my pace. This will naturally make it very slow haha.

This week will be interesting I think the consensus here is to let him lead which I'm totally down with.

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He is probably taking it slow and not making a physical move until he is emotionally ready for a new relationship. I would not rush him or make any moves. This is actually a good thing. Also, given that you met at work rather than OLD, he is likely to be more cautious because option to ghost or "pump and dump" or whatever is harder so it's much more likely that if he goes there, he actually wants a LTR. This is also why I absolutely hate OLD, people can do whatever they want with no consequences due to lack of any social circles in common.

It's clear that he likes you. I would just enjoy it and let things unfold. Dinner sounds like it's heading in that direction
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:23 PM   #13
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Do you two work together?

I think the fact that he "requested" this look from you is a pretty clear indicator he's interested. That, and the twelve date/non-dates
We do indeed, in different departments but same company.
Haha I guess. The last time we were just shopping together and the cashiers asked us if we're married so I guess we give some vibe of intimacy to the public
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:32 PM   #14
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We do indeed, in different departments but same company.
Haha I guess. The last time we were just shopping together and the cashiers asked us if we're married so I guess we give some vibe of intimacy to the public
So, because you lost the bet you have to wear this outfit to work? Well, played, sir . LOL! Yeah, he's into you. This is cute.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:03 AM   #15
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Sounds like it's already starting to heat up a bit

Do you want him to escalate physically? Then you have to give him the green light. I think he has been getting mixed messages from you and doesn't quite know what to think. Your own confusion is showing through. And good for him for handling things as respectfully as he has.

If you want things to get more physical, dinner is where you give him the green light. Hold hands with him. It's ok to initiate that. It gives him the green light but doesn't say, hey lets have sex. It says, hey I like you and not just as a friend. You don't even have to say a word. The ball is then in his court.
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