I'm not sure how to bring up my girlfriend's jealousy delicately

[letmein]

This girl and I have been together for a few months, but we were friends for about a year before that.

 

Over the last couple weeks, I've been put off by her selfishness. I've spent every other day over at her house since we've started dating, while she's only been to my house twice. We both still live with our families, and I've tried to get to know them, and form bonds with them while she hasn't made any attempt with mine. It's a tradition that my family throws a super bowl party, and I told her it was important to me that she come, but she flaked on that too. Instead saying I should come over and watch it with her and her mom.

 

She usually flakes on me whenever it's something I want to do. For example, I bought movie tickets a week ago for a movie I've been dying to see. She said she'd go with me. 15 minutes before the movie starts, she calls me and flakes. So I went by myself. Another time I invited her over for a big family dinner (I've attended many her family has had, but this was going to be her first). An hour beforehand she says she's caught up in a project at home and can't come. She tells me to just come over to her house instead.

 

Also, she's selfish in bed. Both of us orgasm the best from oral. And the past few times I've made her orgasm and then she's said she's exhausted and fell asleep, not caring at all if I had orgasmed.

 

I do like this girl and think we have good chemistry. However, I know I need to bring this issue up as soon as possible, I just haven't had to do this in a relationship before.

 

TL;DR - Girlfriend is selfish in the relationship. Looking for a delicate way to bring it up to her.

[letmein]

*title should say selfishness, not jealousy

[basil67]

This is not a case for being delicate. "Delicate" is for when she smells bad and doesn't know. In this case, her behaviour is selfish and I bet she's well aware. Question is, does she care about your needs at all??? While you don't want to rush in and confront her, you do need to be very clear about how you feel when these things happen.

 

When she's flaked on you and been selfish, have you told her at the time that it wasn't OK with you? Or at least that you were disappointed? If you have, then next time it happens, it's time for you to up the ante and make it clear that you're not OK with it and will be rethinking the relationship if she doesn't return favours.

Edited February 5, 2018 by basil67

[PegNosePete]

Looking for a delicate way to bring it up to her.

"This relationship isn't working for me. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more"

 

Seriously this is not fixable. It is not a minor niggle. It is her entire way of life that you are asking her to change. She is not going to do it for you or anyone.

 

Just curious was she like this with you for the whole year that you were "friends" before dating?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but I don't see a need to be delicate. She's selfish and you might as well call a spade a spade.

 

I would not continue to date her. You have a very one-sided and unfulfilling relationship and if she can't be bothered to make an effort now, what makes you believe she will change that?

[justwhoiam]

You go pick her up with your car (hoping you have one). You then drive to a parking lot (ikea, walmart, whatever) and tell her you need to talk to her, while still in the car. It's a closed space allowing for intimacy. I can't think of anything else, because you both live with your respective families, and having an intimate conversation like that in person can be difficult.

 

Then you start out by asking her: Do you care about me? She'll say: yes.

 

And you start from that: I'm asking you because I was having the impression - lately - that I'm having a hard time making myself heard. My invitations are often rejected, and at times like last second. At first, I was not paying attention to it, but going on, I realized it was happening too often.

Discussion will follow. Never be accusatory. Keep it light.

 

Then if everything goes smoothly, like she says it was just coincidences etc., you bring up the following topic: sex. Use language like: I'd love, it'd be great if, wouldn't it be awsome if... etc.

 

See what happens.

 

On a side note, she might simply avoid anything with your family as she might feel uncomfortable. Have you ever watched "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? The two families were like opposites. I myself have always been used to a lively family, while at his parents' you could hear a pin drop. Too quiet and boring. It could be her situation is reversed.

Or she could have panic attacks, in fact it looks like she avoids anything social or events. Maybe she's just selfish, but you never know. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

[grays]

It's possible that she's intimidated by your family. I'd feel her out on that one. But in general, her behavior is unacceptable. I would tell her once what you think and if there isn't immediate huge improvement, Id be out.

[snowboy91]

The best approach here is firm but polite, which doesn't necessarily mean delicate. Say you've noticed she often cancels on you at the last minute, and that it's important to you for her to actually make the time and effort for you when you plan dates (because that's what you do for her).

 

If things don't change then any chemistry isn't worth the one sided relationship, and it's probably time to move on.

[SevenCity]

"This relationship isn't working for me. I think it's best if we don't see each other any more"

 

Seriously this is not fixable. It is not a minor niggle. It is her entire way of life that you are asking her to change. She is not going to do it for you or anyone.

 

Just curious was she like this with you for the whole year that you were "friends" before dating?

 

Exactly. By saying anything but, you are asking her to be someone she is not. She can’t. She won’t.

 

Don’t try to fix her or your relationship because it is beyond repair.

[Gaeta]

This girl and I have been together for a few months, but we were friends for about a year before that.

 

Over the last couple weeks, I've been put off by her selfishness.

 

You've known this woman for over a year and only in the past couple of weeks you've been put off by her selfishness, does it mean she started being selfish 2 weeks ago OR you just came to the realization, 2 weeks ago, that she has always been selfish?

 

Everything seems to be turning about her staying home with her mother, did something happen lately? Is her mom sick? just divorced? suffering from depression?

[dude360]

"Delicately".

 

There's your problem.

 

Your need to tell her "delicately" to treat you properly.

 

Your past willingness to let her walk all over you has communicated to her that you are a push over.

 

A woman will only do as much to you as you let her. You've certainly let her get away with a lot and she sees you as nothing more than a joke.

[smackie9]

Find a new GF. This why we date....to find out if they are compatible, you get along, enjoy each others company, are compassionate about each other's needs, etc. She not fitting the bill.

[kendahke]

You bring it up to her by saying "this isn't working for me and I am breaking up with you".

 

Then you proceed accordingly. She can't be arsed to reciprocate and that's how she's going to conduct herself--she's been doing it of her own volition so far, right?

 

Take note: this is who/how she is. You are either down with that or you bounce.

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! I am curious about the fact that you have been friends for a long while and you notice her behavior until now! It is hard for me to believe that she was different before! If you allow people to treat you in a certain or to get away with things, the closeness of a romantic relationship actually can make things worse because the trust increases. I agree with most people here. I do not think that this requires a delicate conversation unless delicate means respectful and honest. Just be clear and ask many questions. Try to find out why she is doing what she is doing and tell how it makes you feel and ask her to make an effort to meet you half way! Be willing to give time and put some effort but make a decision now on how much you are willing to give so you do not get stuck and frustrated! Keep moving forward my friend!

[Ruby Slippers]

She treats you poorly because she doesn't respect you. Don't ever let a relationship continue with a person who doesn't value you and treat you with respect. You teach people how to treat you. You're letting her walk all over you time and time again. She won't suddenly evolve into being a nice person and get beyond this. You'll have to walk away.

 

Seek out info online about how to be a strong, self-respecting man. It's absolutely insane what a lot of people will do to hang onto someone they're attracted to just to have someone.

 

Demand better for yourself.

[kgcolonel]

The fact that you both still live with your families suggests that you are both very young...under 21....that in and of itself explains a lot. If you're sexually active, you need to speak with her...sex is an adult activity (not the best word but it works for discussion)...act like an adult and have the conversation. If it drives you apart, you don't want to invest more time into this relationship anyway, if it helps build a stronger bond, then you're getting somewhere.