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GF with a difficult childhood


Crow795

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Hi everyone :)

 

I have recently started dating a girl. (go me!)

She is more mature then me (27 y,o and i am 24 y,o) and we are having a good connection.

We can speak for hours on the phone through the night, laughing and having a great time.

She made the impression of a smart and a good girl.

Both of us are looking for some thing serious and not just fooling around.

 

At some point she started telling me stories about her childhood, that she was a very problematic girl.

She started drinking at age of 15, could finish a vodka bottle alone just because she was bored.

Going out with some gang members, and was looking for trouble.

Dropped out of high school, Looking to date the bad guys who could give her pot and buy booze (not used heavy drugs)

When she turned 20 then she realized that she acted childish and started studying again,

quit drinking and moved away from the company she used to hang around.

 

When i asked her what was this all about, she told me that she had a bad period in life where she tested her boundaries.

And she is happy she experienced all this so now she can understand her self better.

That she changed much since then and now interested in different things.

And appreciate different qualities in men and relationships.

 

I have to say that she was very open about it and talked with me about it.

Telling me she got relieved that i did not judged her and just listened to what she had to say.

 

I on the other hand was a good kid, trying to stay away from trouble, studying.

A boring kid.

Sure i drink now and smoke pot but not when i was that young.

And i have my own issues, that she accepted me with them and we talked about it.

 

Now she is very into me, loving and caring.

Love cooking, having fun, the romantic stuff.

Being the prefect wife or girlfriend.

 

She sound very different then the girl she used to be before.

And i am confused.

My heart feeling happy with her but my mind telling me that some thing is not right.

Because we are so different but now we are together and happy.

Can people really change 180 degrees? being totally different?

 

I really want to hear your opinion, and maybe even your life stories.

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Welcome to LS.....

 

Met her family and/or has she talked about them?

 

What's your relationship goal here?

 

You share you now drink and smoke pot recreationally, though you didn't when younger. How does she feel about that and does she also participate?

 

I'm long down the road of life and most of the self-described 'bad' girls I knew when younger and over the decades either stayed bad or, if getting stuff together, took a sip from the well later in life, mid-life crisis times....

Don't get me wrong, when they want something they'll be angels. This includes in limerance and the honeymoon period. The tests come when relationship or marital challenges present themselves.

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Of course, people change and mature...

 

Dating is time of discovery. Watch her behavior closely - how does she handle alcohol, is she honest with you, consistent with her behavior, responsible with her money, etc...It is all you can do in any relationship... if you see anything that gives you cause for concern, then you know that she is not the right woman for you.

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It almost sounds like she's proud of her former life and like she is bragging about this. I feel like you deserve better. A person like that might still have some connections with her gang banging friends. She might even have some substance abuse issues that might surface later on in life. She might cheat on you with those more "exciting" guys. I would say stay far away from her. You are like me. I didnt drink or do drugs that young in life. I did in my 20's but not as a child. I too studied and got good grades and have a great career now as a result of that. I avoid men who grew up too fast like the plague.

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Sure, I've known kids who did a 180 on their attitude when they matured.

 

The stuff she described apparently ended 7 years ago. Is there anything about her demeanor which makes you doubt she's done with that lifestyle?

 

That aside, you say you drink and use pot. How does your lifestyle work for her if she doesn't do that now?

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Indeed. I'm also curious to know if there is anything about her that would make you think that she continues to make poor choices now? Is she still going to school? Working a good job?

 

The thing that would bother me most about her past is the gang association. Hopefully, she has no connection to these people anymore.

 

I hate to say it, but I would take your admission that you currently do pot to be more of a red flag than her previous lifestyle choices. But, that's just me...

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Do you sense she could still have similar problems now, OP?

 

Unless you are concerned that she is still that troubled teen, then I think you need to cut her some slack and focus on the positive changes and maturity she's reached.

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She already changed. She righted her own ship, grew up & made a good life.

 

While it's difficult for adults to change, it's easier for kids. As a youth she made bad choices. Lots of kids do dumb things. She figured it out & fixed it. More power to her!

 

If she has been an upstanding citizen for at least the last 5 years, I'd say you have little to worry about. Her wild phase is long past.

 

She may have something to worry about with you. Rule followers who are very rigid who can't accept people's flaws may snap later & have a mid-life crisis. As you are sitting there reading this & being horrified at me for suggesting that you could possibly do such a thing, think about your wonderful mature GF & how you are unfairly judging her based on garbage she did as a teenager. To me that is so much easier to forgive & get past then somebody who acts out as an adult. You are smoking pot as an adult. Seems to me you have bigger problems then she does.

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Teenagers do stupid things sometimes. They push boundaries, rebel, and often make poor choices - fun stuff over boring responsibility. She determined she was going nowhere in life and actively changed her ways. Unless there's something about her now that is giving you pause, I think it's worth dating her and getting to know her. I think it's unfair to judge teenage behaviors. People do grow up and change. If she maintained a dangerous lifestyle, then obviously that's your cue to exit. I've dated men who were "bad boys" growing up, and they have grown to be successful, responsible adults, but nothing has lasted so long I have seen any reverting. I did see reverting with a strong religious upbringing that had been abandoned. Obviously it's possible. I wouldn't toss this one out yet.

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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me.

 

I am not judging her because i have met good girls (who don't drink, studying etc..) and they turned out to be awful human beings who cheat and manipulate who they can.

This is the reason why i am still with her and trying to see things as they are.

 

She do drinks a little but nothing too serious as before.

Some shots with her friends at the bar.

Nothing as she described to me in her childhood.

 

Weed is popular here since legalization and it is not uncommon to smoke at the bar or with friends, but not all the time.

 

I am afraid that even if she changed now, she might snap at some point down the line and i won't be able to handle her.

 

I am thinking about dating her for now and see how things work out.

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I am afraid that even if she changed now, she might snap at some point down the line and i won't be able to handle her.

 

She's not going to change now. She's been there & done that. She already knows the bottom of a bottle has no answers for her. She climbed her way out. I see very little danger she's going back.

 

I think you are unfairly judging her because she comes from a place you don't understand.

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She's not going to change now. She's been there & done that. She already knows the bottom of a bottle has no answers for her. She climbed her way out. I see very little danger she's going back.

 

I think you are unfairly judging her because she comes from a place you don't understand.

 

Wow.

This is very accurate.

I don't understand the things she did or her behavior since i never did it.

 

But what now?

How should i handle it?

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I am afraid that even if she changed now, she might snap at some point down the line and i won't be able to handle her.

 

There are no guarantees in life... But, I doubt that she will go back to her old ways. She has been there, done that, and she has chosen a different path for her life.

 

But, if she does "snap" in the future, you will not need to "handle her." You will just let her go... As you would do for any relationship that is no longer meeting your needs.

 

I don't understand why you feel that you need to "handle this." She is her own person, you are your own person -- each responsible for your own behavior. If she is a good person who brings something good to your life, you date her. If she does things that make you uncomfortable or cause you to lose trust in her, you dump her. It's as simple as that.

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But what now?

How should i handle it?

 

There's nothing to handle. You are attracted to the person she is NOW. Continue enjoying that relationship. Her past made her who she is, the person you like.

 

My husband is a Marine Veteran. I have no idea about the horrors of war he saw in combat but frankly I don't want to know every detail. It made him stronger. It made him the man I love. He's in his mid 40s. I'm not about to judge him on behaviors or thoughts from when he was 18-22.

 

She shared a really bad experience with you. She trusted you enough with those ugly personal details. Be grateful she is that kind of open person & move forward together. You can't change the past so stop letting it bother you.

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Absolutely. In fact, there is much to be admired in the fact that she went back to school and built a better life for herself. She could have stayed in that lifestyle, become an addict or stayed in the gang. But, she had the ability to dream a different future for herself and the strength to acheive her dreams.

 

We have all done things in our past that are embarrassing and do not make us feel proud. I'm sure it took a lot for her to trust you to share the things she is not proud about from her past. She gave you the gift of her trust, understand that.

 

It sounds to me like you really have feelings for this girl. Enjoy that, as you get to know each other. But, if you really are having a hard time accepting her past transgressions, you should let her go. She deserves to be with someone who loves her for the person she is today, and doesn't hold the past against her.

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Lots of kids go through the boundary-testing and experimentation phase, then grow up and become responsible, mature adults. I wouldn't worry about that too much if she's content and consistent with a more mature lifestyle.

 

Problem personalities are often the result of dysfunctional families. Does she have a good relationship with her mother and father? Was she well-loved and affirmed as a child or was there a disruption or incomplete bond? Does she have a fully integrated sense of self and innate belief in her worthiness... or is there a void that she struggles to fill through external attachments?

 

It may take awhile to figure these things out, and they aren't one-hundred percent defining either, but they are important data points to be aware of. Pay attention to her sense of self... if it's self contained, good. If it needs external support/validation, be careful.

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I agree with most posters on here.

 

She started drinking at age of 15, could finish a vodka bottle alone just because she was bored.
This went on for 5 years quite early on in her life.

 

Going out with some gang members, and was looking for trouble.
Did they beat up people? What would she do? What would this gang do?

 

Dropped out of high school

[...]

When she turned 20 then she realized that she acted childish and started studying again

Did she get a degree? What did she study? What she able to complete her studies?

 

Looking to date the bad guys who could give her pot and buy booze
In other words, she prostituted herself to be able to get wasted or high? I know there are many ways to look at this, but it's a lot of stuff to deal with.

 

And she is happy she experienced all this so now she can understand her self better.
This would have me thinking. There's no regret for bad actions. Especially about the gang. Gangs can be all about violence. And she doesn't regret it. Maybe you should dig a bit further, to understand what it was all about. Mind you, she might tell you just her side of the story, and give you a story that might not entirely match reality, in case reality were too strong to handle.

 

now interested in different things.
Now. But are you OK with just the now?

 

My heart feeling happy with her but my mind telling me that some thing is not right.
Well, you need to give it some time to find out, I guess. As others asked: is she drinking along with you recreationally, or avoiding alcohol? What about drugs? Have you had pot in front of her? What was her reaction?

 

You don't really know the effects of those 5 years yet. They could really be in the past and never resurface, or she might have permanent damage of some kind. Difficult to tell now. Regardless, you might find this interesting: https://www.nextgenerationvillage.com/the-long-term-effects-of-alcohol-on-teenagers/

Most permanent damage occurs when alcohol abuse starts during teenage years and persist in adulthood. This seems not to be her case. But you can't know for sure. And you're not talking about a very distant past, after all.

 

Can people really change 180 degrees?
They can mature. Look at Drew Barrymore. She started drinking at 9. But it took her 26 years to get stable and sort of "balanced". Inbetween there were lots of relapsing, suicide attempts, cutting wrists (self harming), several rehab hospitalizations, and one admission to a place for the mentally ill. For around 3 years, she had to sustain herself working as a waitress or cleaning toilets, as she wasn't being considered for any role in the movie industry. It looks like she made it. Edited by justwhoiam
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Wow.

This is very accurate.

I don't understand the things she did or her behavior since i never did it.

 

But what now?

How should i handle it?

 

Handle what, exactly?

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I don't think you have anything to worry about. It's been almost a decade!

You don't have to handle her, she can handle herself.

 

I don't understand people who say "she did it once now you know she's got it in her". Truth is everybody is capable of doing bad or stupid things.

 

Did she ever physically assault someone? I'd be wary about this one.

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I don't think you have anything to worry about. It's been almost a decade!
7 years, apparently, if she stopped when she was 20 and is now 27.

 

Truth is everybody is capable of doing bad or stupid things.
True. But she went on for 5 years, AND she's happy about it.

 

Did she ever physically assault someone? I'd be wary about this one.
Indeed. This is unclear. Even if she didn't directly, she was associating with a gang (quite likely involved in crimes and violence?) and going out with its members (pushers?) regularly, to get free drugs and alcohol. I really don't see anything there to be proud of. If someone told me they're happy about all of that, I would be wary.
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todreaminblue

if you have doubts speak about them to her....give her a chance and move on from her past doesn't mean that you cant be cautious if you see worrying behaviors reassess your level of commitment by sitting down and having an adult discussion where you state absolutely and with firmness what you wont take on.....or put up with....say what you love about the relationship what is good and right....and what you worry about..be open be honest and that will promote the same from her...a real workable communication that is adaptable to what you are going through together ..i twill brign you closer for sure....

 

 

....make it regular and not a one off....where you come together and just talk about what has made you happy or upset....goals you want to achieve together and dreams you might like to follow in the future make the discussion something to look forward to rather than dread ...plan fun things together...make plans and set special dates......maybe thats a way to ease your mind that things are progressing well together..........deb

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  • 4 weeks later...
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After i read all your replies, i have decided to brake up with her.

I really think it will be for the best.

Thank you all for your help.

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After i read all your replies, i have decided to brake up with her.

I really think it will be for the best.

Thank you all for your help.

 

Wow. I wasn't expecting that. But I agree breaking up will be for the best.

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