Marriage talk one day...breaking up the next. .

[Lamartine]

When I was a 25 year old graduate student on the East Coast, I ha a brief affair with a handsome ad extremely charming former naval officer. He was 29 at the time.

 

I broke it off because I didn't think he had the emotional maturity to handle a real relationship and because he slept around so very much. I don't usually care about that sort of thing, but his case was extreme.

 

He kept pursuing me for ten years, long after I had moved home to Texas to start my career and he had moved to New York. I flew to visit him a couple of times, and he was always surprised when I got a hotel room instead of staying with him.

 

Last year, after my divorce, he invited me to New York. I went for a long weekend, and it was like a fairy tale reunion. We traveled back and forth some, and I went back to New York and stayed for six weeks (I am in between work and another stint in graduate school).

 

He proclaimed love for me, took me on weekend trips, was my constant companion, and talked constantly of marriage and children. He insisted that, as he was close to turning 40, he was finally ready to settle down. He begged me to move to New York. I put my house on the market, switched my graduate program to online, and began planning a move.

 

Then my ex-husband, who remained a very deal friend died. Back in the South, I attended his funeral. That night, I FaceTimed with NY boyfriend. I was very emotionally overwrought, and we got into a little argument. It was so insignificant, that I don't even remember what it was about. Abruptly, forty-eight hours after talking about looking for engagement rings an sending me listings of home in New York and Connecticut for us to see, he announced that he needed a two week break and hung up on me. Again, I was emotionally stretched to the limit because of the funeral I had attended that day. I tried (too many times) to call him back.

 

Because I called so many times that night, he told me: "I don't love you anymore; I don't want to be with you anymore; I don't want you coming to my family reunion; and I don't want to have children with you." He then blocked me on every mode of communication and social media.

 

I was absolutely distraught. I loved him deeply and had begun to uproot my life to move all the way across the country. That was seven months ago. A month ago, he sent me a text that he was thinking of me but that we still weren't right for each other (out of the blue...we had had no contact). And that's all I have heard from him.

 

My question to you, because I am still broken hearted over this and having a hard time with its fallout, is what would make a man talk love and marriage for so may months and then change his mind in the space of 48 hours? Could it really be because I blew up his phone after he hung up on me? Or could it be that he really doesn't understand what love and real relationships entail. It was so very cruel.

 

I'd love any insight on this situation. One of the reasons it still hurts me so much is because I don't understand why he behaved that way. Even if he wanted to break up, I don't understand why he couldn't wait a week or so after the funeral to do it.

 

I've had a therapist tell me that he was controlling. I don't know.

 

I can't seem to move past this, and I would be very grateful for any explanations that you might be able to offer.

 

Peace,

 

Lamartine

[smackie9]

It was the fact that you were so heartbroken and emotionally distraught over your ex husband's death made him question your love for him.....His ego got flattened and he bailed.

So sorry for your loss, I hope you feel better soon.

 

As for your therapists remarks, it all depends on perspective. I wouldn't call it "controlling" per say, but he was quite pushy or overly excited to move things along so quickly....lead you to wonder what his true motivation.......

Edited January 27, 2018 by smackie9

[Lamartine]

I've wondered about that. I was not in love with my ex husband anymore, but I could see how someone as inexperienced with relationships as this guy was (40, never engaged, never lived with anyone, only one year long relationship in his early twenties) would not understand.

 

It's still hard for me to understand why he had to be so d*** cruel in the way he handled the whole thing. And why he did it on the day of the funeral.

 

The grief of losing an ex is hard for people to understand: but my ex was 20 years older, and really were better off as platonic friends.

 

But I still feel like there was more to it than that. He didn't even try to talk through the situation with me.

[smackie9]

I've wondered about that. I was not in love with my ex husband anymore, but I could see how someone as inexperienced with relationships as this guy was (40, never engaged, never lived with anyone, only one year long relationship in his early twenties) would not understand.

 

It's still hard for me to understand why he had to be so d*** cruel in the way he handled the whole thing. And why he did it on the day of the funeral.

 

The grief of losing an ex is hard for people to understand: but my ex was 20 years older, and really were better off as platonic friends.

 

But I still feel like there was more to it than that. He didn't even try to talk through the situation with me.

What happened, sorry to say, saved you. You both didn't really know enough about each other. And to uproot your life, buy a house, and get married to someone you barely know can be disastrous. Sometimes times of stress really brings out the worst in people. He is the worst. Why he dumped you at the time of the funeral? To punish you for ruining his plans. You my dear dodged a huge bullet. Next time be careful who you say "yes" to.

[1fish2fish]

Oh, honey, my heart broke for you reading this.

 

My perspective is that he is still emotionally immature and maybe thought he was ready to settle down, but freaked out as the time was getting closer to make it a reality and he was looking for a way out.

 

I cannot believe that he hung up on you when you needed him the most.

 

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your exH, and I wish you hope and peace in moving on from this selfish, self centered Ahole.

[Interstellar]

That was extremely brutal. He probably thought you still had romantic feelings for your ex and took it as an affront or disloyalty. Very cruel, immature, and utter disregard for your feelings.

 

That’s why people should never make important decisions in the heat of the moment.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Interstellar

[Lamartine]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I still have down days because of that series of events, and today has been one of them.

 

The funny thing is that he knew from our first date that I was still very close to my ex and was helping to care for him through his illness. Maybe when he was confronted with it, he couldn't handle it.

 

Part of me thinks that he was punishing me for disobeying him (calling him when he said he needed a break, etc.).

 

I had really moved on until he contacted me last month: I don't know what that was about. He blocked me again immediately after he texted me.

 

Something about him never sat right with me in my twenties. I probably shouldn't have been so quick to disregard that uneasiness just because we were ten years older.

[Chilli]

Why does it always have to be made out to be some big bad ego thing with men , when women do all the same things for all the same reasons.

 

Here's what l'm thinking , somewhere in his past he might not have mentioned yet, but he laid it all down for someone else , and it turned out she never loved him in the end or there was someone else, or something along tose lines.

 

So although it was very understandable you were upset after the funeral , he panicked and literally shut the whole idea down right then and there,

Somewhere a long the line he was hurt very badly in some way or another and read it as really you still loving your ex, not because you blew up his phone.

 

l did a very similar thing for very similar reasons, just panicked basically .

kicked myself and still am.

But finally 7mths and his regretting it and coming to his senses a bit l'd say. He would've known much earlier but just wouldn't open himself up to risking hurt, and pride and 50 other things.

 

l think if your open to it , yeah he messed up and hurt you badly , but just sayin , l'd say there's probably a chance of rebuilding from here it if your interested.

[Lamartine]

I think I got caught up in the idea of having a family and children, which I had given up on after my divorce because of my age. He was offering everything I wanted at a weak time in my life.

[Chilli]

So did you really love bf then ?

 

Anyway ,another reason could've been that he'd lived the way he did until that age because deep down he was scared of being hurt.

So he finally lays it on the line and then panicked thinking you still loved ex.

[Lamartine]

Yes, I did really love him. I was making huge sacrifices for him in terms of time and money because I thought there was a real future there.

 

I don't think he really loved me, though. He probably thought he did, but real love doesn't turn on a dime like that. If he had really loved me, he would have talked through it with me and let me know of any discomfort he had.

 

Plus, it seems so ridiculous to be jealous of a dead man. I stopped caring for my ex in the last couple of months of his life to be in NYC with this guy.

 

It's mind boggling to me that he'd chase for a decade and then treat me like that.

[justwhoiam]

he slept around so very much

So he treated you as one of the very many. You did the right thing by breaking it off.

 

He kept pursuing me for ten years

It sounds as if you became a goal.

 

Last year, after my divorce, he invited me to New York. I went for a long weekend, and it was like a fairy tale reunion. We traveled back and forth some, and I went back to New York and stayed for six weeks

And you had sex with him? Because if you did, you stopped being the goal you were there and then.

 

He proclaimed love for me, took me on weekend trips, was my constant companion, and talked constantly of marriage and children. He insisted that, as he was close to turning 40, he was finally ready to settle down. He begged me to move to New York.

He was on a high.

 

I put my house on the market, switched my graduate program to online, and began planning a move.

You trusted him without real proof of his commitment. You didn't even "test" the relationship first. You can't base a move on a month's high or on a vacation. You now know better.

 

Then my ex-husband, who remained a very deal friend died. Back in the South, I attended his funeral. That night, I FaceTimed with NY boyfriend. I was very emotionally overwrought, and we got into a little argument. It was so insignificant, that I don't even remember what it was about.

1. What do you mean by being very emotionally overwrought? Did you start crying? What exactly?

 

2. That the argument was "little" and "insignificant" is your personal perception that might not match his. Try to remember what it was about, and the words that flew. It might be that he suddenly discovered a side of you he didn't know and was not expecting to see. Maybe it was something potentially undermining his emotional stability. And that's a very sensitive issue, because it looks like he sort of avoided serious relationships all his life.

 

he announced that he needed a two week break and hung up on me.

He took time to think before making a wrong decision on the spur of the moment.

 

I tried (too many times) to call him back.

You started being intrusive. No big deal if you ask me, as I can be like that too. I tend to want to navigate with him through his thoughts, while he'd want to do it on his own. I guess it's very typical of women.

 

Because I called so many times that night, he told me: "I don't love you anymore; I don't want to be with you anymore; I don't want you coming to my family reunion; and I don't want to have children with you." He then blocked me on every mode of communication and social media.

How did you come to the conclusion that he said what he said because you called so many times? It could be indirectly, not as a direct consequence. That is, you pressured him into giving you an answer, forcing him to make a decision before time was ripe, and you got your marching orders.

 

A month ago, he sent me a text that he was thinking of me but that we still weren't right for each other (out of the blue...we had had no contact).

It's like he opened a channel of communication with you. But you didn't pick up and he went back to his life. As you mentioned he blocked you again after contacting you, do you know for sure he blocked you right away? Or did some time go by before you checked that?

 

what would make a man talk love and marriage for so may months and then change his mind in the space of 48 hours?

A misunderstanding, pride, rage, the perception of a serious underlying problem, feeling threatened... It could be anything. But we don't know what happened that night when you two got into a fight. After all, he had been waiting for 10 years to be with you. But as I said, maybe he got what he wanted already and bailed out in time before changing his life.

 

Could it really be because I blew up his phone after he hung up on me?

I don't think so.

 

Or could it be that he really doesn't understand what love and real relationships entail. It was so very cruel.

There's a chance that no one ever went out of their way for him. And it's understandable, considering how he'd treat girls. But I sense that it's what he'd need to be sure someone really loves him.

 

One of the reasons it still hurts me so much is because I don't understand why he behaved that way.

His personality definitely plays a role, but you should start analyzing what you did, to understand his reaction. His behavior looks like a reaction to something that happened. Or it was just a last second excuse to bail out being insecure about turning his life upside down.

 

Even if he wanted to break up, I don't understand why he couldn't wait a week or so after the funeral to do it.

It's so much easier to break up with someone when they're not in front of you.

 

I've had a therapist tell me that he was controlling.

Did the therapist have more elements than the ones you shared with us here?

 

I can't seem to move past this

That message he sent a month ago had this precise purpose: in case the memory of him was fading away, he made sure it'd still be on top of your head. It partially opened up to possible communication, and in part was a way not to forget about him.

 

Now, either you stop thinking about it and thinking about him, or you show up where he lives and have a talk with him face to face.

 

The grief of losing an ex is hard for people to understand: but my ex was 20 years older, and really were better off as platonic friends.

Your ex husband can't speak anymore. That's your point of view, and maybe it was not his. Your opinions shouldn't be treated as truths.

 

He didn't even try to talk through the situation with me.

You didn't try hard either. Remote communication is not all there is in life. Though I'd question myself if it'd be worth pursuing. Only you know that. Being hot and fascinating is not enough to carry on a serious relationship.

 

I still have down days because of that series of events, and today has been one of them.

Try not to let that get to you too much. When the intrusive thoughts start coming to mind, get yourself busy with something. Call a friend. Arrange something for the weekend.

 

He blocked me again immediately after he texted me.

Any line of communication, or just his phone number? Did you check that right away? His text had no raison d'être, other than what I said above. Or letting you know that he's still thinking of you.

 

Something about him never sat right with me in my twenties. I probably shouldn't have been so quick to disregard that uneasiness just because we were ten years older.

Like he didn't make sense? What do you know about his childhood and about his family?

 

I don't think he really loved me, though. He probably thought he did, but real love doesn't turn on a dime like that.

On a dime? He's still thinking about you after all this time. Doesn't that mean anything? Or do you think he's a sadist?

 

Plus, it seems so ridiculous to be jealous of a dead man.

You should never belittle other people's feelings. If anyhing, they should matter as much as yours.

 

It's mind boggling to me that he'd chase for a decade and then treat me like that.

Yeah, but maybe he reached his goal, at least partially. Edited January 28, 2018 by justwhoiam

[Maggie4]

Just how many times did you call him? I broke up with a guy when he blew up my phone. My reasoning is that it was a sign of aggression when someone does this. The person is saying, "I will not be ignored!" (a la fatal attraction). He wants control so he kept ringing me until I pick up the phone. He wanted me to obey. That's the only explanation I can come up with for blowing up someone's phone. So I felt I couldn't continue with this guy because his behavior was so foreign to me that I just cannot relate at all and therefore we can never be true partners. But I didn't break up with him right away. We spoke, but in my mind I was on my way out because of the repeated calls. I mean, he would hang up and immediately dial again. It freaked me out because it is so irrational.

Maybe you didn't call him so many times. I don't know, maybe my story is not relevant. Just offering my perspective from the receiving end of these types of calls.

[Lamartine]

WhoIAm--Of course I take responsibility for my part in this. I blamed myself entirely for months.

 

As for trying, I did try...hard. He only flew to see me once, and I paid for $400 of his ticket. I was the one shouldering the burden and cost of flying cross country repeatedly over the course of months and uprooting my life to test out the relationship for six weeks in NY. I cooked for him every night. I cooked for his parents. I paid to have his apartment deep cleaned by a cleaning service before his mother came over because he was worried about her criticizing him. I listened to him talk about himself, his job, and his religious and political beliefs for hours on end. When things became serious, I offered to pay off his student debt so that we could start a life free and clear. I was there, home, and waiting for him every day. He begged to meet my parents, so, when they flew to NY on business, I got us all together. I comforted him repeatedly. I knew everything about his life. When we broke up, he e-mailed my best friend asking for an address where he could send my things that I had left in NY...after all of that, he didn't even know where I lived!

 

I would go to his house as you suggested, but there it's not really possible. I live in Texas. I can't just show up in NY at his door.

 

I have beat myself up repeatedly for forcing his hand. I definitely screwed up on that last day.

 

As for my husband's funeral, when we discussed it the day it happened, I was not crying or hysterical. I was just exhausted, sad, and irritable. And as for my husband and I being better off as platonic friends, that is a decision we made together, not just my opinion.

 

There is no doubt I bear some blame here, but I just wanted to clear up those points.

 

In response to the last poster how many times I called, I'm not sure exactly. Maybe 15. It was over the top. I know that, regret it, and wish I hadn't done it. I think I was just so shocked that he would do this to me on a funeral day, very hurt because he just hung up (awful behavior in my opinion) on me without discussing why he needed a break, and needed some sort of explanation. I'd never done anything like that before, and, on an ordinary day, I would never have done it then. I just think he should have tried to understand the extenuating circumstances. When you broke up with your guy for doing that, were you planning marriage? How serious were you? I'd be curious to know the circumstances.

 

This wasn't just someone I was dating: it was someone with whom I was actively discussing having children and marrying...and he was always the one who initiated those conversations. Having been divorced, I was a little gun shy. That being said, I've never really forgiven myself for those calls.

 

One reason that I haven't reached out to him is that he left me with a parting gift in the form of a very nasty and stigmatized STD that could have rendered me infertile. Luckily, it was curable.

 

Anyway, I just know how much this hurts. I know I bear some responsibility, but I don't think anything I did warranted being treated so cruelly.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Lamartine

[Popsicle]

More than likely he is a commitmenphobe and has issues, but he enjoyed the feeling of being in love and playing the part of making a future with someone, almost like a dress rehearsal, but when it was time to make it real he got cold feet. In short, he was just playing around, which is easier to do with someone long distance. Avoid this by not doing long distance.

[justwhoiam]

Stop beating yourself up for those calls.

 

I once did it too. I remember about the incident. We had a bad argument over the phone. But he had to leave the office, as he had to show up to an event, sort of party in NYC. The thought of me being miserable because of him, and him going to have fun among people, and cutting me off was unbearable. So I started bombing his phone with calls that went unanswered. Stupid me didn't think he was in the subway and didn't even get those calls. As soon as he got out of the subway, he answered the phone. Oh well, it's in the past now.

[No_Go]

He proclaimed love for me, took me on weekend trips, was my constant companion, and talked constantly of marriage and children. He insisted that, as he was close to turning 40, he was finally ready to settle down. He begged me to move to New York.

 

Honestly... that's just the typical male talk when they are interested in keeping you around. He's not meaning bad, it just meant nothing but sweet words. My guess is he was very attracted to you and would have said anything to get you going (sexually) but didn't really mean it..

[Maggie4]

OP, no we weren't as serious, and keep in mind as with most break ups, it's usually not just one thing. I was probably already unhinged by other stuff that guy had done previously. When it seems to happen suddenly, imo it's a case of straw that broke the camel's back.

You may never get your answer. A lot of men are not in touch with their feelings, so they can have complex feelings that are not sorted out. Anyway I see it as you are destined to marry someone else.

[Lamartine]

He proclaimed love for me, took me on weekend trips, was my constant companion, and talked constantly of marriage and children. He insisted that, as he was close to turning 40, he was finally ready to settle down. He begged me to move to New York.

 

Honestly... that's just the typical male talk when they are interested in keeping you around. He's not meaning bad, it just meant nothing but sweet words. My guess is he was very attracted to you and would have said anything to get you going (sexually) but didn't really mean it..

 

I know men lie to get women into bed, but it is really normal to promise marriage, ask someone to move across country, tell her you want her to get pregnant, and look at homes together? In my twenty years of dating and/or marriage, that sort of thing has happened to me only one other time...ironically with a man from the same social group as NYBF (they hated each other).

 

I really hope that this isn't the case. I don't want to become a man hater.

[Lamartine]

OP, no we weren't as serious, and keep in mind as with most break ups, it's usually not just one thing. I was probably already unhinged by other stuff that guy had done previously. When it seems to happen suddenly, imo it's a case of straw that broke the camel's back.

You may never get your answer. A lot of men are not in touch with their feelings, so they can have complex feelings that are not sorted out. Anyway I see it as you are destined to marry someone else.

 

It's true I may never know. I suspect some sort of commitment issue on his part is at least partially to blame: all those smoke and mirrors and then a disappearing act. No deep relationships at 40 despite looks, personality, education, and relative success.

 

Its all just so mean. Never trying to fix this minor problem despite all of his proclamations and promises and pulling flat out disappearing act that included blocking me from all communications and social media out of the blue. It's awful to be cut out completely: it makes me feel like I never existed to him. And I'm a low drama person: I have stayed very friendly with most of my exes.

[divegrl]

I’m so sorry for what you are going thru; it is a really tough situation. My condolences for the loss of your ex husband.

 

I really don’t think the breakup had anything to do with the phone call the night of your ex’s funeral. People who truly love you just don’t flip on a dime. And then he hung up on you when you needed him? No no no. His behavior is the one that is off.

 

This man is a commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable, conflict avoidant, etc. They always come on strong, and then will leave just as quickly. You must understand that this is a shell of a man, and his “love” was not real. He would have found some excuse for you to not move up to New York.

 

You need to stop self blaming and realize this was not your fault. Take some time to heal. Hope this helps. Hugs.

[kendahke]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

My question to you, because I am still broken hearted over this and having a hard time with its fallout, is what would make a man talk love and marriage for so may months and then change his mind in the space of 48 hours? Could it really be because I blew up his phone after he hung up on me?

You answered your question twice, once at the beginning:

I broke it off because I didn't think he had the emotional maturity to handle a real relationship

and in the sentence after the above:

Or could it be that he really doesn't understand what love and real relationships entail. It was so very cruel.

He's immature and unable to be empathetic. That and he's threatened by your low drama ability to remain friends with your exes. Clearly, he ain't cut from that cloth.

 

That he can't cut you some slack because your ex died and your upset over that says that not only is he selfish in the extreme, but he would be a very, very cruel person to have to live with and maybe he'd be better off in the foreign legion or someplace where he can't do any damage to people who have the full range of their emotions.

 

My dear, you've dodged a bullet---and you've been shown you were right 10 years ago when you set him adrift the first time. Leave him floating out there. He means you no good.

 

All he can do is buy your love and attention--that's about all he's got.

Edited January 28, 2018 by kendahke

[No_Go]

I know men lie to get women into bed, but it is really normal to promise marriage, ask someone to move across country, tell her you want her to get pregnant, and look at homes together? In my twenty years of dating and/or marriage, that sort of thing has happened to me only one other time...ironically with a man from the same social group as NYBF (they hated each other).

 

I really hope that this isn't the case. I don't want to become a man hater.

 

Oh it’s not normal at all. Similar thing happened to me. The guy was talking about getting engaged by Christmas, since we were living together and he was putting so much concrete ness I believed him. I was looking into houses to buy together. Then I found he was on dating site messaging 30+ women. Lovely. Talk... is just talk. Cheap. I have a thread about it here if you want to read it, I don’t know if it’s helpful but at least to see similar development...

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP,

 

I don't know who this man is and what he is thinking. But, here two things that you should focus on that truly reveals the kind of man he is and to be avoided.

 

1. On the day of your ex-husband's death, he was not compassionate and supportive. In fact, it would seem that he felt threatened by your feelings for a deceased ex. Crazy. The man is dead and your actions clearly showed that you were doing the things that should have pleased your now ex-bf. I am not going to suggest some psychological diagnosis as I have become much more suspicious of the varied and often, subjective mental disorders people throw around and conclude with little or not evidence. This also includes actual therapists. I digress. Anyway, he showed a man w/o compassion.

 

2. The other thing that I would remember is his unkind response. When you reached out, his inclination was to further damage your ego and then block you from responding. He could have easily ignored you or simply responded with some restraint. He did not.

 

You detailed his past and his lack of emotional maturity. Well, guess what, during the ten years, he has not matured or worse.

 

Move on...

[oasis]

I’m so sorry for what you are going thru; it is a really tough situation. My condolences for the loss of your ex husband.

 

I really don’t think the breakup had anything to do with the phone call the night of your ex’s funeral. People who truly love you just don’t flip on a dime. And then he hung up on you when you needed him? No no no. His behavior is the one that is off.

 

This man is a commitment phobe, emotionally unavailable, conflict avoidant, etc. They always come on strong, and then will leave just as quickly. You must understand that this is a shell of a man, and his “love” was not real. He would have found some excuse for you to not move up to New York.

 

You need to stop self blaming and realize this was not your fault. Take some time to heal. Hope this helps. Hugs.

 

This post hits the nail right on the head. He has all the characteristics of a narcissist. As divegrl so succinctly described “he is an empty shell”. You may not believe it right now, but you’ve dodged a bullet and a lifetime of pain. Be thankful that he showed his true colors.

Edited January 29, 2018 by oasis