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DesertSun

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Ugh I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and four months. We live together. About a month ago, my sister, who is a dog breeder wound up with a cute puppy that needed a home due to not being show quality. My boyfriend suggested we take it. I had no bearing on this, it was purely his idea, but I was excited.

 

After about 2 months of letting me get excited and falling in love with the idea, the dog was arranged to be flown out to us next Monday. Last night, when we got into bed, my boyfriend mentioned "you know, I don't think I want the dog afterall" I am heartbroken. It is crushing me to think that he would go that long of letting me babble on and on and get excited, to let me down. I really wanted this dog pretty badly after he suggested the idea because I have had dogs all my life and know how wonderful they can be. He claims he doesn't want it after speaking to his dad (who hates animals) and his dad told him not to get involved in what might be a 12+ yr committment. I am so devastated though that he would put his dads thoughts before my feelings. We got in a fight about this because I think that it is a bad sign that he balked when he thought about the committment. This is the same man that balks at the idea of getting married to me anytime soon. I really feel like this is a red flag and I should get far away from him as he is showing that he has no capacity to commit to anything in his life, me or a pet. I though too that his wanting to have a pet together was an indicator that he was thinking more seriously about he and I as it would have been something of a responsiblity that we would share. It seemed symbolic and meaningful. Now I feel like it is just one more thing relating to committment that he won't follow through on. What do you all think?

 

I am all but ready to take the dog anyway and move out of his house and forget him.. I am afraid that he may do the same thing to me one day that he did to this dog..

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laRubiaBonita

i think you should get your heads outta the clouds about puppy/ dog ownership.

 

first, pets are a luxury item, and they cost lots of money.

 

seconf, if you twop do break up who will kepp it then?

 

think about all the negative aspects as well.

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Pets are a luxury but we both have great jobs so money really isn't an issue at all. If he and I broke up I would keep the dog.

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So you would break off your relationship over a dog. That shows me signs that there might be other issues then just the dog.

 

How long have you guys lived together?

 

The dog is a puppy...You are going to have to train it, take it out, feed it, and all that other stuff. Puppies like to chew on things so think about that when the dog has your shoe in his mouth. Sometimes if they don't get out they will go in your house. Now you wouldn't want that. Maybe if you got a trained dog with all the shots and things your boyfriend would be more willing. Training a dog is actually a real pain in the ass!!!

 

I know it would be upsetting to be all excited about getting the dog and then your boyfriend doesn't want it. MAybe it's a good thing that you don't get the dog. I know the puppy will get a good home.

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Well the reason I would move out would not be over the dog so much as over the fact that he continually will do this to me, place other other peoples feelings or his own feelings above mine EVERY time. He had a knack for that and he once again did it again, but this was really something that he wanted to start, he chose in the beginning to want the dog.

 

Another thing, yes a puppy is a pain in the ass to most but I am from a dog breeding/training family, so it wouldn't be so bad for me. I am pretty experienced in this and understand all that having a puppy entails. He wouldn't want any dog at this point. It isnt about the age etc, it is about the fact he now sees it as something that is considered a committment and that is something that will send him running everytime. I just think I might cut my losses and take off from this guy because he has a habit of dropping off on things. I need someone a bit more stable I think than this, and this incident last night really woke me up to that. I am just sick of him never once considering my feelings or what I want. You have no clue how much life revolves around his needs only.

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blind_otter
Originally posted by DesertSun

Well the reason I would move out would not be over the dog so much as over the fact that he continually will do this to me, place other other peoples feelings or his own feelings above mine EVERY time. He had a knack for that and he once again did it again, but this was really something that he wanted to start, he chose in the beginning to want the dog.

 

Another thing, yes a puppy is a pain in the ass to most but I am from a dog breeding/training family, so it wouldn't be so bad for me. I am pretty experienced in this and understand all that having a puppy entails. He wouldn't want any dog at this point. It isnt about the age etc, it is about the fact he now sees it as something that is considered a committment and that is something that will send him running everytime. I just think I might cut my losses and take off from this guy because he has a habit of dropping off on things. I need someone a bit more stable I think than this, and this incident last night really woke me up to that. I am just sick of him never once considering my feelings or what I want. You have no clue how much life revolves around his needs only.

 

I can understand that. Have you communicated this to him? What his pattern of behavior indicates to you?

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Originally posted by DesertSun

Well the reason I would move out would not be over the dog so much as over the fact that he continually will do this to me, place other other peoples feelings or his own feelings above mine EVERY time. He had a knack for that and he once again did it again, but this was really something that he wanted to start, he chose in the beginning to want the dog.

 

Another thing, yes a puppy is a pain in the ass to most but I am from a dog breeding/training family, so it wouldn't be so bad for me. I am pretty experienced in this and understand all that having a puppy entails. He wouldn't want any dog at this point. It isnt about the age etc, it is about the fact he now sees it as something that is considered a committment and that is something that will send him running everytime. I just think I might cut my losses and take off from this guy because he has a habit of dropping off on things. I need someone a bit more stable I think than this, and this incident last night really woke me up to that. I am just sick of him never once considering my feelings or what I want. You have no clue how much life revolves around his needs only.

 

I'm suprised that the both of you stayed together this long if he is having problems with committment. Maybe you should talk to him about this. Tell him what you have be thinking and stuff. Maybe that might clear the air. If it doesn't then you an the puppy go live your lifes with out him.

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Unfortunately last night I did communicate this fear to him and he was telling me that I am personalizing things too much. Basically that is his way of trying to avoid the fact that he has the committment issue. He also does not want to come to light with the fact that he is not considerate of my feelings either. Basically it is a relationship that he dictates largely. He doesn't care if I lose out on something, what is more important is that he gets things done the way he wants them. No compromise.. I have sacraficed for him before but he cannot do the same for me. He wants his cake and to eat it to, and if I question anything, instead of talking about it or trying to reassure me that I am not right in thinking that he is a committmentphobe, he tries to find ways to say it is all in my head or blame me. It is a bit lopsided.

 

I honestly at this point am leaning towards moving out and living with the dog LOL! It just might be a more peaceful life that way with a critter that will truly be a friend. I think in a way, this incident may be for the better as it helped to shed light on things for me. One of his statements last night... "I do not at this point in my life want to make a long term committment of the lifespan of a dog" (information that would have been useful months ago, and before my sister made the flight arrangements) In my mind, it clears up why he would not want to make a long term committment to me either, because this is something that would be longer than the lifespan of the dog. I think I am just something that is for the now to him, and if things got down to it, he would rather ditch and find another woman than to solidify things with me. Keep in mind this man is 35. I am almost 28.

 

I don't know.. I just feel hurt at his reasoning, more than the fact of the dog not coming. The reasoning that he is not interested in a committment and the fact that I think his dad feeds into this as well. ouch..

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DesertSun,

 

If you want the dog- take it. It's your house, too, and if the feeding/care/training etc. is going to be your responsibility, then your boyfriend has no call to make the decision. You're not asking him to do anything except share his home with the dog.

 

If he doesn't want the dog, for whatever reason, ask yourself this:

 

Coming from a dog-raising family, and obviously as someone who loves dogs, are you willing to forgo the companionship and love of a pet for the foreseeable future?

 

I dated my ex for three years- we did get pets together, but he always avoided the subject of marriage. I've read that the one-year mark is when most couples get engaged/married- after that, as time goes on, it becomes less and less likely that they will ever marry. You're right at that point in your relationship, and it certainly doesn't sound like wedding bells are on his mind.

 

Personally I think it was very passive-aggressive of him to agree to take the dog, and then back out at the last minute. I bet this isn't the first time he's acted this way, either.

 

My advice- tell him that you're taking the dog. If HE chooses to break up over a pet, then that shows you clearly that his committment to having you in his future is weak enough that he'd choose a future without you to a future with you and a dog.

 

Breaking up when you've been dating for a long time, and when you live together, is stressful and painful. But think of it this way- you get to start a new relationship with your puppy, who will love you for the rest of his life!

 

Take care.

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