28 year old guy - should I completely ignore dating for about 10 years???

[mike3838]

As it stands now, I get tons of attention from women who are 10 years older than me. When I try to approach women in mid to late 20s, the responses are absolutely horrific. I'm debating if I should just completely ignore dating for a little while until I'm late 30s and then start dating women in their mid 30s?

 

I'm attractive, in fantastic shape, dress impeccable, been making six figures plus since i was 25, good family values and I try to be a genuinely good person. In the meanwhile of totally ignoring dating, I can continue to work obsessively hard at aiming for self improvement.*

 

I absolutely hate approaching girls my age. Keeping their attention and getting them to like you enough to go out even on a date is just absurd difficulty level. At bars for example, I consistently get approached by women in their 30s... if I try to initiate something with someone my age, they ignore me and want nothing to do with me. Online dating is totally impossible in my age demographics also - mid to late 20s women on dating sites who are my type are looking for male models, movie stars, pro athletes, etc. .

 

My concerns are

 

1)does the continuous lack of dating life cripple my mind emotionally?? I've wanted a girlfriend since I was 16. if I can survive 12 years, will I be ok at 20+??

 

2)I want my own kids but I don't want to date a woman that has kids already. How hard would it be to find a cute 35 year old with no kids when I am say 38 but still wants kids??

[smackie9]

If you are attractive you should be able to date anyone in any age bracket.

[sdraw108]

I don't think you should give up and wait until your 30s. What if you continue to have the same problem then? Also, it requires experience to know what it takes to make a relationship a success. Typically most people have one or a few failed relationships before they settle down for the one that works. Hoping that your first ever relationship is "the one" is a bit of a gamble in my opinion.

 

I think you should try a different approach. All you've mentioned is bars and online dating. Neither of those are particularly great for finding decent quality partners. I would suggest instead trying to get to know people through activities. It's easier to go from getting to know someone to dating them than it is to date a complete stranger in a bar, and they're more likely to be serious about dating than they would be with some random guy who hits on them at the bar.

 

Perhaps try speed dating as well, if you want easy access to dates.

[mike3838]

If you are attractive you should be able to date anyone in any age bracket.

 

people compliment me everywhere I go - I don't think I could count the amount of times I've been called "very handsome" in my life. I am 5'10 195 all muscle and I dress like a GQ model

 

Does not matter at all. If I approach a cute 27 year old, she will want nothing to do with me

 

if I approach a 35 year old, she will be all over me instantly

[mike3838]

I don't think you should give up and wait until your 30s. What if you continue to have the same problem then? Also, it requires experience to know what it takes to make a relationship a success. Typically most people have one or a few failed relationships before they settle down for the one that works. Hoping that your first ever relationship is "the one" is a bit of a gamble in my opinion.

 

I think you should try a different approach. All you've mentioned is bars and online dating. Neither of those are particularly great for finding decent quality partners. I would suggest instead trying to get to know people through activities. It's easier to go from getting to know someone to dating them than it is to date a complete stranger in a bar, and they're more likely to be serious about dating than they would be with some random guy who hits on them at the bar.

 

Perhaps try speed dating as well, if you want easy access to dates.

 

I live in suburbs so I don't see a lot of girls my age outside of bars/clubs/online dating and gyms. Gyms are very hard also - the cuties there are looking for 6'4 250 lb male model types.

 

I'm also sorta picky- I want the female version of me, which means nice face, no kids, my age, fit body, professional job, intelligent. The odds of finding that at an activity are slim

[sdraw108]

Hang on a minute. I just realised there is something about what you're saying that makes no sense.

 

You're talking about waiting 10 years and then dating a 35 year old. Yet you've said you have 35 year olds all over you right now. Why exactly do you need to wait 10 years then?

 

I don't really understand what the problem is here.

[mike3838]

Hang on a minute. I just realised there is something about what you're saying that makes no sense.

 

You're talking about waiting 10 years and then dating a 35 year old. Yet you've said you have 35 year olds all over you right now. Why exactly do you need to wait 10 years then?

 

I don't really understand what the problem is here.

 

I don't want kids right now. I'm looking to have kids in 5 to 10 years

 

if I date a 35 year old now, I pretty much have to jump in to everything ASAP. Their biological clock is ticking

[FilterCoffee]

As it stands now, I get tons of attention from women who are 10 years older than me. When I try to approach women in mid to late 20s, the responses are absolutely horrific.... I want my own kids but I don't want to date a woman that has kids already.

 

if I approach a 35 year old, she will be all over me instantly

 

Have you tried dating 35 year old women without kids?

[CommittedToThis]

I, too, find it quite difficult to grasp the fact you are an attractive 20 something man with looks, muscles and money and literally every woman under the age of 30 completely ignores you.

 

Maybe it's the attitude you're projecting? Grasping at straws here.

 

Why not date 35 year olds now? I'd kill to date a 35 year old hottie (55 year old male here). Don't wait, life's too short!!!

[mike3838]

Have you tried dating 35 year old women without kids?

 

I don't want kids right now. I'm looking to have kids in 5 to 10 years*

 

if I date a 35 year old now, I pretty much have to jump in to everything ASAP. Their biological clock is ticking

[Cookiesandough]

Somethings wrong. If you're looking for your equal (and you're being realistic about this) you shouldn't be having problems.

[mike3838]

I, too, find it quite difficult to grasp the fact you are an attractive 20 something man with looks, muscles and money and literally every woman under the age of 30 completely ignores you.

 

Maybe it's the attitude you're projecting? Grasping at straws here.

 

Why not date 35 year olds now? I'd kill to date a 35 year old hottie (55 year old male here). Don't wait, life's too short!!!

 

 

bro you're 55, I'm 28. I should be dating 25 year olds

[mike3838]

Somethings wrong. If you're looking for your equal (and you're being realistic about this) you shouldn't be having problems.

 

I'm looking for a cute girl, in decent shape with a decent job who is genuinely a great person (like I believe I am)

 

I'm okay dating somebody a little less attractive than myself and she doesn't have to be making 200K like I do but I don't want a loser or bustout either

 

but yes quality mid to late 20s women have totally impossible standards

[sdraw108]

So location is the problem then. You said where you live, you can only find attractive girls in bars, clubs, and gyms, and those girls are shallow. Perhaps you need to look further afield? Head into the centre of town to do your socializing? And again, I would suggest that these types of venues are the wrong places to look for serious partners.

 

Do you have a decent social circle? Hanging out with friends of friends etc. can be a good way to meet people, and they're more likely to be your peers assuming your friends are people similar to yourself.

[mike3838]

So location is the problem then. You said where you live, you can only find attractive girls in bars, clubs, and gyms, and those girls are shallow. Perhaps you need to look further afield? Head into the centre of town to do your socializing? And again, I would suggest that these types of venues are the wrong places to look for serious partners.

 

Do you have a decent social circle? Hanging out with friends of friends etc. can be a good way to meet people, and they're more likely to be your peers assuming your friends are people similar to yourself.

 

I have a great social circle but I never meet women through there. Keep in mind I do have somewhat of high standards

 

What baffled me is when you mention the ladies being shallow. Why do they not like me?? I go to bars and I feel like I'm quite often one of the best looking/most fit and best dressed in the entire place by far

[Versacehottie]

I have a great social circle but I never meet women through there. Keep in mind I do have somewhat of high standards

 

What baffled me is when you mention the ladies being shallow. Why do they not like me?? I go to bars and I feel like I'm quite often one of the best looking/most fit and best dressed in the entire place by far

 

Maybe you are wrong?

 

Listen, i actually think you might be misperceiving yourself. You should be getting hookups from the 20-28year old crowd at the very least if you were the full package as you say.

 

You keep mentioning best dressed: hmmmm, maybe too metro for a lot of girls tastes that's what that says as a possibility to me. I don't think this attribute is high on a lot of girls list really. Look at good looking male celebs in photo shoots--a ton of times they are wearing the perfect tee shirt and jeans, but they are good looking and it all works (or a classic sharp suit). If I were to poll my friends now and ask what style they want in a guy, it's more along these lines rather than someone who overdoes it.

 

Personality, etc: well this sounds like it's the missing component most likely IF all the rest is as you say it is. I can think of a few guys on the fringes of my group of friends who are great looking guys, six figures but stiff, lacked personality, awkward with girls. Meanwhile the less conventionally attractive guy with outgoing, charming personality is cleaning up and has tons of girls. so don't discount this element and work to improve it. See if you can be charming. You may be so goal focused that you are ignoring this part of yourself and still thinking you will succeed. Wrong.

 

Yes, i agree. Location is not your friend if you are in the suburbs. But to me, if you are all what you said you are and hanging out at the bars there, that would actually make you more attractive and valuable in a market that has less guys in total. So it takes me back to your own self-perception. Good luck

[normal person]

I'm attractive, in fantastic shape, dress impeccable, been making six figures plus since i was 25, good family values and I try to be a genuinely good person. In the meanwhile of totally ignoring dating, I can continue to work obsessively hard at aiming for self improvement.*

 

So you're supposedly a near perfect guy, what are you hoping to improve upon?

 

I absolutely hate approaching girls my age. Keeping their attention and getting them to like you enough to go out even on a date is just absurd difficulty level.

 

If you were attractive, as you say you are, you shouldn't have to approach them. If you're attractive, you attract people. They come to you.

 

Online dating is totally impossible in my age demographics also - mid to late 20s women on dating sites who are my type are looking for male models, movie stars, pro athletes, etc. .

 

Not at all true. Myself and many friends (some who are now married) met their partners and many, many others before that online. You're doing it wrong. If online dating was ineffective to the extent you describe, the companies would've gone out of business years ago. In actuality, online dating is as common and effective as it's ever been. The last time I checked 1/3 of marriages in the US now start online. Considering male models, movie stars, and pro athletes make up nowhere near 1/3 of the population, I think you're not having success for some other reason. There are no male models for you to compete with unless you're in NY, LA, London, or Paris. Movie stars have Raya and probably won't be on Tinder anyways. Pro athletes don't need it. With those guys basically out of the dating set, you, at 25 with your GQ good looks and 6 figure salary are, or at least should be, the top dog. Do you really think these girls are just obsessively swiping left until they get to Zac Efron? Plus if you're as great as you say you are, you could be dating a doctor, model, actress, etc. There's nothing stopping you.

 

 

My concerns are

1)does the continuous lack of dating life cripple my mind emotionally?? I've wanted a girlfriend since I was 16. if I can survive 12 years, will I be ok at 20+??

 

So you're a very handsome, nice, successful man who can't, for some reason, get a girlfriend, ever. It sounds like you have some glaring issue that you're not mentioning, or isn't obvious to you but is obvious to everyone else.

 

2)I want my own kids but I don't want to date a woman that has kids already. How hard would it be to find a cute 35 year old with no kids when I am say 38 but still wants kids??

 

It'd be easier to find a cute, childless, 28 year old when you're 38. Most have felt the pressure of their biological clock and made their moves by 35.

 

I don't think you should give up and wait until your 30s. What if you continue to have the same problem then? Also, it requires experience to know what it takes to make a relationship a success. Typically most people have one or a few failed relationships before they settle down for the one that works. Hoping that your first ever relationship is "the one" is a bit of a gamble in my opinion.

 

Agree with you here.

 

I think you should try a different approach. All you've mentioned is bars and online dating. Neither of those are particularly great for finding decent quality partners.

 

What do you mean? These are two of the most common avenues to meet people. "Decent quality" people don't go to bars or use online dating? I have years of experience suggesting the contrary.

 

I would suggest instead trying to get to know people through activities. It's easier to go from getting to know someone to dating them than it is to date a complete stranger in a bar, and they're more likely to be serious about dating than they would be with some random guy who hits on them at the bar.

 

This doesn't make any sense. The ease of which you can get to know someone isn't contingent on where you met them.

 

and they're more likely to be serious about dating than they would be with some random guy who hits on them at the bar.

 

Why is "some random guy who hits on them in a bar" so much worse than "some random guy" who hits on them on a hiking trail or at a wine tasting?

 

I've never understood this "people in bars aren't decent people" stigma. I know perfectly respectable, very successful, decent people who go to bars and use online dating. You're living on a different planet.

 

Perhaps try speed dating as well, if you want easy access to dates.

 

So if a guy organically has a conversation with a girl for 30 minutes but happens to be in a bar, he's "not a decent person" and to be avoided, but if he sits with her for 2 minutes in a totally contrived, manufactured meeting, the guy is somehow better? I don't buy it, sorry. Also, I haven't heard of anyone doing speed dating in the last decade. Why would anyone do that when they could 1). go online and pick the people they like rather than sit and be subjected to 25 they aren't, or 2). go to a bar, see someone they like in person, and simply ignore all the others?

[Maggie4]

No. Don't put off dating because it's hard for you. It will only get worse before it gets better, if ever. If you wait 10 years, the 35 y.o.s won't want you. They'll approach the 28 y.o. version of what you once were. Ha ha. Life is cruel, eh?

 

Seriously you need to problem solve. You also need to have some experience with long term relationships, learn to compromise, communicate, handle break ups, learn when to forgive and when to stand your ground. Relationships are not easy, it's a lot to learn, and you can't even find a girl to get started.

 

You need to find and attract. If you cannot, then you are just not as good as the guys who can. Those older women approach you, they are doing the choosing, but that doesn't help you unless you are passive by nature and you like that. You are not doing too well if you don't get to choose.

 

Face it and fix it. Be competitive. No excuses. Otherwise you'll end up older and weirder, and don't even realize it.

[Haydn]

A good shirt is a clincher.

[Cookiesandough]

No. Don't put off dating because it's hard for you. It will only get worse before it gets better, if ever. If you wait 10 years, the 35 y.o.s won't want you. They'll approach the 28 y.o. version of what you once were. Ha ha. Life is cruel, eh?

 

Seriously you need to problem solve. You also need to have some experience with long term relationships, learn to compromise, communicate, handle break ups, learn when to forgive and when to stand your ground. Relationships are not easy, it's a lot to learn, and you can't even find a girl to get started.

 

You need to find and attract. If you cannot, then you are just not as good as the guys who can. Those older women approach you, they are doing the choosing, but that doesn't help you unless you are passive by nature and you like that. You are not doing too well if you don't get to choose.

 

Face it and fix it. Be competitive. No excuses. Otherwise you'll end up older and weirder, and don't even realize it.

 

This. Not to mention very few women (or men) want to date a 38 yo who has no dating experience/ hasn't dated in 10 yrs.

[sdraw108]

What do you mean? These are two of the most common avenues to meet people. "Decent quality" people don't go to bars or use online dating? I have years of experience suggesting the contrary.

 

And plenty of people have the opposite experience to yours. For example, just take a peek at the recent online dating thread on here and you'll find complaint after complaint about online dating and the quality of people it attracts, and relatively few people singing its praises.

 

Notice that I specifically did not say "decent quality people don't go to bars or use online dating". I said they're not particularly great avenues for finding decent quality people. That isn't the same thing at all. If you hit on a girl in a bar and she says yes, it's more likely that she's at the partying stage of life, that she's just after a hookup, that she's saying yes for the wrong reasons (i.e. purely because of your looks and not because she thinks you'd make a great partner). Again, notice I said "more likely".

 

This doesn't make any sense. The ease of which you can get to know someone isn't contingent on where you met them.

 

Again, that isn't what I said. I didn't say it is easier to get to know someone in location X vs location Y. I said it's easier to go from someone you've gotten to know to dating them, than it is to date them out of nowhere, with no previous context to work from.

 

But, for the sake of the argument, yes, the ease with which you can get to know someone IS contingent on where you meet them. As the OP has found, getting to know a girl in a bar isn't easy. On the other hand, if you're sitting around a dinner table with your friends and their friends, and you find one of them attractive, it's going to be trivially easy to strike up a conversation. Likewise, if I go to a Meetup.com event for singles, chances are I won't find it that hard to get girls to talk to me because we're all there for exactly that reason. It seems obvious to me that not all venues are equal when it comes to the ease with which you can get to know someone.

 

Why is "some random guy who hits on them in a bar" so much worse than "some random guy" who hits on them on a hiking trail or at a wine tasting?

 

Well for a start, it doesn't have to be "some random guy hitting on them" at all! I think that you think that hitting on someone straight off the bat is the only way you can date someone.

 

But even so, I would say that it is worse. Generally a guy hitting on a girl at a bar is probably looking for a hookup, and the girls know that. That means the ones that say yes are going in with that expectation. The mindset of people on a hiking trail is likely to be different than the mindset of a drunk person in a bar.

 

I've never understood this "people in bars aren't decent people" stigma. I know perfectly respectable, very successful, decent people who go to bars and use online dating. You're living on a different planet.

 

Again, I didn't say that.

 

So if a guy organically has a conversation with a girl for 30 minutes but happens to be in a bar, he's "not a decent person" and to be avoided, but if he sits with her for 2 minutes in a totally contrived, manufactured meeting, the guy is somehow better? I don't buy it, sorry. Also, I haven't heard of anyone doing speed dating in the last decade. Why would anyone do that when they could 1). go online and pick the people they like rather than sit and be subjected to 25 they aren't, or 2). go to a bar, see someone they like in person, and simply ignore all the others?

 

At the risk of repeating myself, I didn't say people in bars are not decent people.

 

As for speed dating - the OP has come here for advice because his current methods (bars, clubs, gyms, online dating) are not working for him. When something isn't working, then a new approach is worth at least a try.

 

The answer to your question is extremely simple. It is time efficient. You can waste hours on online dating only to go on a date and waste more hours on someone unsuitable. Speed dating certainly isn't without its own particular issues (and I'm not by any means saying it is a great way to date), but you certainly don't waste any time. There are no other circumstances under which you can meet 15 girls in 1 hour who are all single and actively looking for dates, who all WILL talk to you, and where the odds of several of them saying yes to a match is fairly high.

 

As for your assertion that nobody in the last decade has used speed dating, I ask what planet YOU are living on In my city, there are multiple speed dating events taking place just about every day of the week.

[mike3838]

No. Don't put off dating because it's hard for you. It will only get worse before it gets better, if ever. If you wait 10 years, the 35 y.o.s won't want you. They'll approach the 28 y.o. version of what you once were. Ha ha. Life is cruel, eh?

 

Seriously you need to problem solve. You also need to have some experience with long term relationships, learn to compromise, communicate, handle break ups, learn when to forgive and when to stand your ground. Relationships are not easy, it's a lot to learn, and you can't even find a girl to get started.

 

You need to find and attract. If you cannot, then you are just not as good as the guys who can. Those older women approach you, they are doing the choosing, but that doesn't help you unless you are passive by nature and you like that. You are not doing too well if you don't get to choose.

 

Face it and fix it. Be competitive. No excuses. Otherwise you'll end up older and weirder, and don't even realize it.

 

I'm an olive skinned super high testosterone male. I will look 30 when I'm 40. My dad looks 40 at 60 years of age now. My whole family has aged incredibly well.. so the 35 year olds will undoubtedly like me when I'm 38

 

I should be a millionaire by then also

[sdraw108]

I'm an olive skinned super high testosterone male. I will look 30 when I'm 40. My dad looks 40 at 60 years of age now. My whole family has aged incredibly well.. so the 35 year olds will undoubtedly like me when I'm 38

 

I should be a millionaire by then also

 

I'm going to say this not to be insulting, but as a genuine suggestion in case this is the problem. You come across as a bit arrogant and full of yourself. Do you think you might be projecting that image in front of girls, and that might be putting them off?

 

It's great that you have so many positive characteristics, looks, money, etc. (taking on faith that you're correct), but girls don't necessarily want it shoved in their face that you think so highly of yourself.

 

Maybe a bit of modesty could be your new approach. Maybe try dressing down a bit from your current style, and be more easy/going relaxed with your appearance and attitude.

[mike3838]

So you're supposedly a near perfect guy, what are you hoping to improve upon?

 

always ways to improve. I make 200K now - I want to make 500K by 38

 

I'm 195 lbs and very lean now. I want to be 5'10 210 lbs and totally ripped by 38

 

I also want to get my masters degree in finance. I only have a bachelor's now

 

I'm also going to get surgery to fix my hair - it's very dense now but my hairline has slightly receded and my crown has slightly thinned. I want male model perfect hair

 

I want to travel all over the world still

 

in my mind, enough is never enough. I feel like I have to be insanely impossobly perfect for a decent woman to like me

 

 

If you were attractive, as you say you are, you shouldn't have to approach them. If you're attractive, you attract people. They come to you.

 

attractive 25 year olds don't approach anybody. That's silly

 

I get approached all the time but it's always women between 35 to 45

 

 

 

Not at all true. Myself and many friends (some who are now married) met their partners and many, many others before that online. You're doing it wrong. If online dating was ineffective to the extent you describe, the companies would've gone out of business years ago. In actuality, online dating is as common and effective as it's ever been. The last time I checked 1/3 of marriages in the US now start online. Considering male models, movie stars, and pro athletes make up nowhere near 1/3 of the population, I think you're not having success for some other reason. There are no male models for you to compete with unless you're in NY, LA, London, or Paris. Movie stars have Raya and probably won't be on Tinder anyways. Pro athletes don't need it. With those guys basically out of the dating set, you, at 25 with your GQ good looks and 6 figure salary are, or at least should be, the top dog. Do you really think these girls are just obsessively swiping left until they get to Zac Efron? Plus if you're as great as you say you are, you could be dating a doctor, model, actress, etc. There's nothing stopping you.

 

I should mention that I don't look great in pics

 

on a scale of 1-10, I am probably an 8.5/10 in real life and like a 7 in pics

 

Women my age in dating sites want 10/10 males. They're getting 5845855576676 messages a day - why settle for mediocrity??

 

 

 

It'd be easier to find a cute, childless, 28 year old when you're 38. Most have felt the pressure of their biological clock and made their moves by 35.

 

those girls are impossible though if you want anybody of quality

[Highndry]

There's something missing here...