Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) Just wondering... If someone wanted to meet/take you on a date, and you were suffering from anxiety/panic disorder but you really liked the person and didn't want to throw them off... would you be honest about your anxiety as a reason why you're not ready to meet them? I've got someone now who wants to take me out this weekend!! and I've been struggling with anxiety for a while now... I've known this person over the phone for about a month, and have a relative amount of ease with this person, but I can't drive very far by myself, nor can I do a lot of things yet, including going back to work though I'm getting better all the time, and consider myself 'on the mend'. I don't want to lie and keep giving him made up 'excuses' why I can't meet. Because I don't know how much longer I'll be working through my anxiety, and to keep feeding him another tall tale every weekend because I'm still not quite ready, would no doubt make me look like I'm a flake if I didn't tell him the truth. It's all caused from grief and prolonged stress from when I lost my dad and sister back to back. I told him about how I lost them but not how it's been affecting me, trying to appear fine, hoping I will be fine, soon, and ready to meet him. But by this weekend, when he wants to see me now, I know for sure I won't be ready and have no idea when that time will come, though I'm getting closer all the time to feeling better. Would you tell a potential love interest about something like this? I don't want to scare him away by having him know I'm unwell right now... or is this irrational thinking? Is it better to be honest in this situation or not? How would you react to someone you wanted to date if they suddenly told you about how they're struggling with anxiety? It seems to me everyone is touchy about people who are having some kind of mental/emotional struggle in the dating world. Edited January 22, 2018 by Fair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Sorry for your loss I think you should tell them. Anxiety about meeting someone you've never met from online is quite common. It can feel like a lot of pressure and many people get nervous about that. I don't think he will judge you harshly for that. Do you think you will be able to meet him eventually though 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I am very sorry you have lost 2 family members so close to you in a short time. It must be very difficult to work through that. I cannot even imagine. I think the truth always win. If you keep delaying and giving him excuses at some point he'll conclude you are playing him and he'll just block you. You also need to be honest with yourself here, your barely get by with your anxiety, it's debilitating to the point you don't work or go out. I don't think you are in a position to date or meet new people. It's not fair to them and it's not helping you in your recovery. I think all of your energy should be aimed at getting your life back on track before dating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I am very sorry you have lost 2 family members so close to you in a short time. It must be very difficult to work through that. I cannot even imagine. I think the truth always win. If you keep delaying and giving him excuses at some point he'll conclude you are playing him and he'll just block you. You also need to be honest with yourself here, your barely get by with your anxiety, it's debilitating to the point you don't work or go out. I don't think you are in a position to date or meet new people. It's not fair to them and it's not helping you in your recovery. I think all of your energy should be aimed at getting your life back on track before dating. I understand, but I am making a lot of progress toward healing. I really don't want to lose this guy... he's seems to be the kind that's hard to find and we have something that seems to be working between us... some kind of rapport. Would you have the patience to wait for someone like me to get back on track...? I don't want to tell him, I'm just not ready to date right now, period. I think sometime perhaps in the next month, I may be ready to meet though anxiety tends to be unpredictable. Men, please chime in, too. What would you think if someone in my situation told you about something like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I understand, but I am making a lot of progress toward healing. I really don't want to lose this guy... he's seems to be the kind that's hard to find and we have something that seems to be working between us... some kind of rapport. Would you have the patience to wait for someone like me to get back on track...? I don't want to tell him, I'm just not ready to date right now, period. I think sometime perhaps in the next month, I may be ready to meet though anxiety tends to be unpredictable. Men, please chime in, too. What would you think if someone in my situation told you about something like this? You don't want to lose *someone you don't even know*. Chatting for 1 month does not fall in the category of *he's important to me*. It's just talk. You don't even know if you'll like him in person, you don't even know if he's half of who he says he is so there is nothing to lose. If you are not ready to date then don't be online attracting guys, it's called *misleading people*. No I would not wait for someone to get better. I would not mind dating someone dealing with anxiety BUT he would have to be functional, have his life on track, be medicated if he needed to and have everything under control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 You don't want to lose *someone you don't even know*. Chatting for 1 month does not fall in the category of *he's important to me*. It's just talk. You don't even know if you'll like him in person, you don't even know if he's half of who he says he is so there is nothing to lose. If you are not ready to date then don't be online attracting guys, it's called *misleading people*. No I would not wait for someone to get better. I would not mind dating someone dealing with anxiety BUT he would have to be functional, have his life on track, be medicated if he needed to and have everything under control. I wouldn't go so far as to say he's 'important to me, yet." but have the sense I met a really good guy at a bad time is all. I think... intuitively... it might be a mistake to just run him off completely. You meet so few... He may not be all that I think he is at this point, but it would be a shame if he was and I cut it off before meeting. Still waiting for a male point of view... I really want to know what you, as a man would make out a situation like this. Would you wait? Or walk? Or judge? Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 It depends on how you met him. But chances are that he'll feel that you led him on to some degree. Keep in mind that if you ask him to work around your unpredictably you are asking a lot from him, essentially you're in control of the schedule or timeline and he is not. If the guy has half a brain he will move slowly and be somewhat guarded if he remains interested at all. P.S.: I dated a woman with social anxiety before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Now I'm really torn and don't know what to do... afraid to tell him... afraid not to tell him... aaargghh. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I wouldn't go so far as to say he's 'important to me, yet." but have the sense I met a really good guy at a bad time is all. I think... intuitively... it might be a mistake to just run him off completely. You meet so few... He may not be all that I think he is at this point, but it would be a shame if he was and I cut it off before meeting. Still waiting for a male point of view... I really want to know what you, as a man would make out a situation like this. Would you wait? Or walk? Or judge? You are suffering from grief and anxiety from prolonged stress. You are off work, you cannot go out of your home. Why do you want to impose that on someone? Don't consider this judgment on my part, it's common sense. You are in *transition*, you will eventually get better, why not wait till you are better? No it would not be a shame. There are a lot of good people you'll be able to date when you are back on your feet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Now I'm really torn and don't know what to do... afraid to tell him... afraid not to tell him... aaargghh. If he is not *important* to you then do not use words like 'torn' and 'afraid'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 You are suffering from grief and anxiety from prolonged stress. You are off work, you cannot go out of your home. Why do you want to impose that on someone? Don't consider this judgment on my part, it's common sense. You are in *transition*, you will eventually get better, why not wait till you are better? No it would not be a shame. There are a lot of good people you'll be able to date when you are back on your feet. Not where I live, which is a relatively isolated spot. Everyone I know is married and even if they're single and half decent, that doesn't mean you're going to have any kind of rapport with them. We can't all get together just because you're single and so are they. Not unless you want to grab onto to someone... anyone... just because you don't want to be alone. I don't want to 'put him through' anything. I just have hopes he'll wait awhile longer. After all, I'm being treated and am so much better than I was... I just haven't made it the whole way yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 P.S.: I dated a woman with social anxiety before. How did that work? Did you know before you started dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 I don't want to 'put him through' anything. I just have hopes he'll wait awhile longer. After all, I'm being treated and am so much better than I was... I just haven't made it the whole way yet. That is why you should not date till you are done. You are *vulnerable* if this man takes advantage of you or breaks your heart it will throw you back and undo all the work you've done so far. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) That is why you should not date till you are done. You are *vulnerable* if this man takes advantage of you or breaks your heart it will throw you back and undo all the work you've done so far. Yes, I've thought of this. But then you live with the what if's... So far he's been so kind and patient and warm. And I can tell you you can't fight something like this on your own. You need more support and professionals can only get you so far. You need more than that. You need plans to look forward to in the future... you need hugs... you need reassurance from people who care. I have no family left... I basically lost my whole support system at once. Edited January 22, 2018 by Fair Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 How did that work? Did you know before you started dating? No, I did not know in advance, and it resulted in a comedy of errors. By all means, if you want to go ahead with dating him, please be very upfront about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 Sorry for your loss Thanks for the condolences. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 You need more than that. You need plans to look forward to in the future... you need hugs... you need reassurance from people who care. I have no family left... I basically lost my whole support system at once. I feel very sorry for you in this regard. I know what it's like to start over, even though in a very different way. Keep in mind that you are asking for a lot and are making yourself very vulnerable. If he means that much to you he will have to take on quite a responsibility, even if he has the best of intentions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I feel very sorry for you in this regard. I know what it's like to start over, even though in a very different way. Keep in mind that you are asking for a lot and are making yourself very vulnerable. If he means that much to you he will have to take on quite a responsibility, even if he has the best of intentions. Well, I don't expect him to take me on as a responsibility. We haven't met yet, I just want him to understand me and hopefully put off meeting until I'm well enough which I honestly don't believe will be that much longer, due to the progress I've been making. Is that really asking a lot? I'm not asking him to date me yet... just asking for a little patience and hoping he thinks I'm worth enough to wait for... Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Fair, I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time! Sending hugs to you! Listen, don't you worry a bit about this! In your place I would just tell him you've gone through grief (doesn't he know of your loss?) and you're not quite yourself yet. Tell him that with most men, you would probably wait awhile before meeting but that you feel such comfort with him that you feel safe to be a little vulnerable and meet before you ordinarily would. You can also ask him if he'd be comfortable meeting you now, knowing that's the case or if he'd like to just talk on the phone for a little while longer until you've totally worked through it. I've actually been through this a long time ago and did tell the guy, much more bluntly than the above paragraph! I believe he felt protective of me because he went to great lengths to work through it with me and his kindness actually helped me get through it sooner than I ordinarily would have, I believe. We ended up dating for years and broke up over other issues. That's just me, though. I know everyone is different. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 I also think we all walk away from each other too quickly in this throw away society... many times we're probably making huge mistakes we may not know we're making. We all have struggles, we're all human. It doesn't make us bad people or not worth any effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 No matter what the reason, I think it's selfish to ask someone to wait for us to be ready. If we're not ready, then we shouldn't be out there wasting other people's time. If you could manage to meet him but want to take it slow, perhaps that would be a fair compromise? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 If a woman told me about her anxiety issues, I would (non-exclusively) keep the door open with her. If she didn't reveal her issues and just kept feeding me various lines, I would stop communicating with her. However, under no circumstances would I agree to be exclusive with a woman I had not yet met. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 If a woman told me about her anxiety issues, I would (non-exclusively) keep the door open with her. If she didn't reveal her issues and just kept feeding me various lines, I would stop communicating with her. However, under no circumstances would I agree to be exclusive with a woman I had not yet met. Good call. I think it's reasonable for him him to leave the door open to you, but with no guarantees that he will still be available when you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted January 22, 2018 Author Share Posted January 22, 2018 (edited) Fair, I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time! Sending hugs to you! Listen, don't you worry a bit about this! In your place I would just tell him you've gone through grief (doesn't he know of your loss?) and you're not quite yourself yet. Tell him that with most men, you would probably wait awhile before meeting but that you feel such comfort with him that you feel safe to be a little vulnerable and meet before you ordinarily would. You can also ask him if he'd be comfortable meeting you now, knowing that's the case or if he'd like to just talk on the phone for a little while longer until you've totally worked through it. I've actually been through this a long time ago and did tell the guy, much more bluntly than the above paragraph! I believe he felt protective of me because he went to great lengths to work through it with me and his kindness actually helped me get through it sooner than I ordinarily would have, I believe. We ended up dating for years and broke up over other issues. That's just me, though. I know everyone is different. Yes, he knows of my losses but not about the resulting panic/anxiety. I'm glad to hear this worked out for you. Though the other posters may be right... every case is different and this proves it, which gives me hope. It seems on these types of forums everyone is so intolerant... and assumes intolerance, impatience and being quick to discard and move on are the right and only answers. So thanks for your post. I tend to believe vulnerability is not a bad thing to show... all these hard masks people wear are a little phony/and/or a little frightening. Like robots telling us to forget our emotions, hopes, dreams... and that how dare we have them if we're not in a place in our life when we're at the top of our form and "Perfect." Edited January 22, 2018 by Fair 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 It seems on these types of forums everyone is so intolerant... and assumes intolerance, impatience and so quick to discard and move on they assume they are the right and only answers. So thanks for your post To be fair, the variety of responses reflect the variety in the reality of dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts