Streetcarp Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 So, my GF told me a story months ago about how 20 years ago in highschool a guy would grab her during gym class and drag her to a secluded room, hold her down and makeout with her. I was appalled by it and felt terrible it happened to her. Then last night over drinks and discussing all the recent sexual assualt allegations in the media she started talking about it again...accept this time she added a name and more to the story. It was "Bob" And he would drag her away and threaten her if she told anyone. Now, I dont know this guy personally. I just know she claims him to be her "longest childhood friend" Basically they met in 4th grade and were sweethearts/BFGF till the end of 8th grade. In our 3 years together Ive never met him. She text with him occasionally, mostly about whatever drama is going on in his life. Hes in and out of jail, marriages, drugs, etc.. They met for drinks one night when we firs started dating. She said it was just frienda meeting up to catch up but spiralled into him accusing her of all the problems in his life. Basically a "If we would have stayed together my life wouldnt be ****" She always acts like hes a "mis-understood" genius. She tells me hes, as she puts it, "Mensa level" and I say "No, hes just a sociopath whos good at manipulation". Its almost like she makes excuses for him. Saying stuff also about how during her "hard times" in HS he was the only one there for her. And I know that in her previous LTR she would stay at his place if her and her Ex were fighting. Even 2 years ago when we first got our place together shr mentioned how he was going through hard times and wondered if I cared if he crashed at our place. He never did. At that point he was just a "Ex-Boyfriend/Childhood Friend" who has a problematic life. I let her decide and I guess she said no. I guess I dont know how to view this now. Before he was just a toxic person I didnt want her to hang around with but didnt mind them chatting and such...but now I feel a under current of anger towards him and want. I asked her if he ever apologized and she said no, I asked how she could even be frienda with him still and she kinda shrugged. I dont get it...Im angry and feel shes been under this steady stream of manipulation for 20 years or more. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Abuse can go on for years...it's all about manipulation and control. And those who are abused get confused, are led to feel guilty, and fear their abuser. Don't get pissed at her, get her into counseling and support her. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Uh oh. Like a moth to a flame. It will only end when he burns her wings. There is more to THEIR past than she has told you about. This will not end well for you. You should distance yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Streetcarp Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 Uh oh. Like a moth to a flame. It will only end when he burns her wings. There is more to THEIR past than she has told you about. This will not end well for you. You should distance yourself. Could ypu explain more? How so? Link to post Share on other sites
LurkerXX Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 The fact that he is still in her life at all, and that she admires him, is some serious Stockholm Syndrome stuff. If she is not addressing it with some professional help, yes it does sound like it could spell trouble in your relationship. That trouble could involve him, or it could involve just her and her unaddressed issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Sounds to me like she still has feeling for the guy or even thinking about what if’s ? I guess it could be some guilt too? Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 What I was saying was, in other words, that she appears to have some sort of sick obsession with a guy who has treated her badly in the past, and perhaps even now. If she keeps this guy in her life she WILL ber abused further. That's that relationship. There is some real weird sh*t between her and her Best Guy Friend. Hey, shouldn't YOU be her Best Guy Friend? Hmm? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 People who can't say no attract people who can't let go. If what she says is true about him raping her, she doesn't have very good sense at all and should have reported him to someone. She has some attachment to him. It's appalling that she's let him stay in her life. Not knowing the whole story, I can't explain it. But I can tell you that I would not trust HER for a long-term relationship because if what she says is true, she can't say no and has really weak bad judgement. Be sure to wear condoms and don't take any chance on having kids with her. If he remains in her life, he sounds like what you said, trouble, and if he is, so is she for putting up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Does she have any responsibility for her wellbeing? She could have ended this long ago if she wanted. She didn’t. I find it interesting when men absolve women of all responsibility. Acting as if she has no intelligence or ability to make decisions because she’s been “abused” or “manipulated”. “Stockholm Syndrome” ... blah, blah, blah. I’m not making light of abuse, but, at some point, over all of these years, she could have found a way to end contact with this guy. But, no, he’s her “best friend” and you’re the sucker thinking he’s to blame for her being still attached to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LurkerXX Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Who here implied that she is not responsible for her getting her house in order? I was saying that this stuff likely runs deep and that she does need to take care of it. It looks like she is not far enough down that road for it not to affect current and future relationships. You can have empathy, but still recognize that until the person in question starts to make her own moves, and a considerable amount of progress, that it very likely not a good idea to be in an intimate relationship with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 It is up to her if she wants to report him or something but it sounds like she doesn't. It also sounds like she was under his influence and may still be. However, she is not with him now, she is with you. I wouldn't be surprised though to find this guy pops up in your lives quite frequently. Have you asked her why she left him? I think if I were you, I would want to get a clear picture that she has seen the light about him and never wants to be with him again. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 OP, this is not healthy for her, as you know. I'm concerned for you being in a R with someone who has self esteem issues, which it seems to me she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Streetcarp Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 OP here. To many replies to answer them all but I will try my best to do so and add other info I know. I know that since we've been together she has seen him once (that I know about) As I said 1 or 2 months into our relationship they had drinks. As she puts it he pops up time to time via text to her. Last year she was all involved texting him cause he married a drug addict her ran off on him. She was entralled by the drama of it all like a soap opera. I think she stuck her nose in a little to far (tho I dont have proof) cause at one point she deactivated her Social Media. Part of me thought she might have made some comments and was "hiding" so to say. Last week he text her saying how he was going to jail. Not gonna lie..I did some snooping. This incident occured when she was in 9th grade. In 8th grade he was her first "more then kisses" BF...everything but sex. She dated the same guy, a BIG dude, from 10th to 12th grade and he stayed away from her. He was heavy into drugs and was scared of her boyfriend. But..when they split right after 12th grade that same night she "ran to him" to console her and she spent the night with him..again, everything but sex. He was back in her life around this point, from 18 to 20. Lots of drinking and partying etc.. From what it looks like around 20 she got into an LTR and he just kinda "pops" up from time to time. As I also said to it looks like in her mid-20's she would crash at his place when her and her LTR had fights. Ive asked if they ever had sex and she laughed it off, saying how hes a "man whore" and she would be scared ro catch something. Shes never done drugs, hes been in and out of rehab, she has no kids..he has a bunch, shes never been married..hes married 2 meth heads etc.. In their youth he stole money from her shes admitted and items. She says when they dated or hung out he was a master of torturing her with mind games. Her mother recently asked her if she remembered the time he hit her and she adamantly denied it ever happened and said her mother makes stuff up. And yes, Ive talked to about therapy for MANY of her issues. Sadly shes one of those people who doesnt believe in therapy. In fact she has this massive ego. Since she has a masters degree, never done drugs, no kids, etc.. she says she doesnt need it cause she is perfect. I feel its all a cover tho, that she is VERY insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Yeah, i have seen women do this... Lots of good opinions about this so far. But I have seen this type of stuff with women before. I am sure that men do this as well, I just don't know any. The best thing that you can do, IMHO, is continue to talk to her and try to explain what is wrong with this picture. I know many will say this is too strong, but I had to tell one GF that you have to cut contact with this person. Not because I suspect any type of cheating. But, because I don't want to see her upset when he commutates with her. A little different that you situation, but toxic none the less. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Oh come on. He was her first alright, and everything Including sex. She's just ashamed to admit that she was a willing passenger on the "man whore" train. Otherwise, why the obsession? She has her appearances to keep up after all. He might just be one sick puppy and she seems like some bright shining angel ministering to the poor soul but ..... SEEMS is the operative word here. What you are judging her by is her facade, the way she wants you and the world to see her. Don't be a chump. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Ive asked if they ever had sex and she laughed it off, saying how hes a "man whore" and she would be scared ro catch something Deflected the question. Obviously she has, but you should have realised that by now anyway. She's clearly got a lot of emotional attachment to him... or at least the person that he once was, if not the one he is now. You're not likely to change that any time soon. Assault or not, you'd best let it lie now because she has no intention of taking any action against him. Link to post Share on other sites
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