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Oneitis for guy. Need cure


Cookiesandough

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Cookiesandough

I am dealing with EXTREME infatuation/oneitis for a guy I met on a dating app last year. We only had 2 dates and he didn't seem that interested, but I feel like I screwed things up anyway. To sum it up, I asked him out 20 minutes after our 2nd date, and he said he is very busy rest of the week, but free the entire following week. I told him I wouldn't be available the following week. He told me he had a little crush on me, so screw a busy schedule, and he could make time on Friday. I said only Monday works. He said okay Monday then. Then I told him that things were moving too fast and I would contact him next year (this year) and he said "yea sure"

 

I am wondering if I should just move on or if I should contact him because I really like him? On one hand, contacting him would put to rest this obsession because if he's not interested or taken, I could get closure and move on with my life. On the other hand, it's totally creepy and I will most likely be rejected. I'm sure rejection will be ok. It's part of life. I'm mostly worried about coming off creepy and making *him* uncomfortable by contacting him out of the blue after so long and I don't know what I'd even say. Knowing me, I'd probably go the joke route which may come off irreverent and annoying to him :(

 

I could also try to forget about him first by trying to dating other guys. Kind of the female equivalent of "go sleep with 10 women" that guys have.Just to give an idea of the scope of my infatuation, I just scrolled through over 6,000 matches cuz my large city in the last 3 days trying to find him on there. So most likely any correspondence I try to have with him WILL be creepy. Maybe it might be best to try to move on and just try to date others and not reach out to him?

 

 

Please any advice ...I will do whatever LS thinks is best.. I keep getting told reach out but when I ask if it's creepy: radio silence

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Well. if you have a habit of moving things too fast and bailing then I would suggest not wasting his time. You have already bailed on him once.

You say you're obsessed which likely means you have him on a pedestal which he could fall from at height and fast if he doesn't measure up to the standards your imagination has of him.

 

 

If you don't have a habit of bailing and can keep your emotions in check then get in touch.

That would mean setting boundaries for yourself though - can you do that without being stand-offish?

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Please any advice ...I will do whatever LS thinks is best.. I keep getting told reach out but when I ask if it's creepy: radio silence

 

Cookies,

 

Definitely reach out to him, but you HAVE to make him feel like you are not being aggressive.

 

My strong suggestion is to ask him for help with something. If the guy is a photographer or artist... ask for his professional help with something like that.

 

See if he strikes up a conversation with you. If he does, then make that conversation count. Tease him, play with him... he will eventually get that you are interested.

 

Sound good?

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Cookiesandough
Well. if you have a habit of moving things too fast and bailing then I would suggest not wasting his time. You have already bailed on him once.

You say you're obsessed which likely means you have him on a pedestal which he could fall from at height and fast if he doesn't measure up to the standards your imagination has of him.

 

 

If you don't have a habit of bailing and can keep your emotions in check then get in touch.

That would mean setting boundaries for yourself though - can you do that without being stand-offish?

 

Thank you so much, Gemma.

 

Yes I'm very infatuated and he probably will not measure up to my standards, but that's okay, my standards are lower now.

 

What should I say to him, though? I am totally prepared to be ignored or even "who is this again?"'d but I don't want to freak him out/weird him out. It's been 4 months. He could have a gf ???!?!? I don't know if he's even still on dating at all and I don't even know if he liked me/wasn't creeped out by me before all this.

 

 

If I ever got him back, I know I would not bail again 'til he stopped wanting to date me because I'm over doing that stuff.

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Cookies, you couldn't find time in your schedule to date him. This translates to you being too busy to give him what he wants/uninterested. It's no surprise he moved on.

 

If your lifestyle has changed and you can make a whole lot of time for him, then tell him it's changed and try again. But if you're still going to be far too busy to see him/not willing to reschedule other appointments, then don't bother him.

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Cookiesandough
Cookies,

 

Definitely reach out to him, but you HAVE to make him feel like you are not being aggressive.

 

My strong suggestion is to ask him for help with something. If the guy is a photographer or artist... ask for his professional help with something like that.

 

See if he strikes up a conversation with you. If he does, then make that conversation count. Tease him, play with him... he will eventually get that you are interested.

 

Sound good?

 

I don't have anything like that. We barely knew each other. My last conversation with him I told him I needed some space and I'd contact him next year and he said yea he understands I'm not feeling it. I told him no that's not it, I really just need a break and when I'm ready I will contact him. He said "you are cryptic af" Those were his last words! Now what am I supposed to ask him for help with that a ton of other people can't help with ? I don't need help with anything in his profession. Do you think it's a lost cause then?

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Cookies, you couldn't find time in your schedule to date him. This translates to you being too busy to give him what he wants/uninterested. It's no surprise he moved on.

 

If your lifestyle has changed and you can make a whole lot of time for him, then tell him it's changed and try again. But if you're still going to be far too busy to see him/not willing to reschedule other appointments, then don't bother him.

 

I can't recall the details of the other thread but this is very different to moving too fast. Two totally different reasons. Which one was it Cookies?

 

What did you actually tell him was the reason to stop dating?

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I don't have anything like that. We barely knew each other. My last conversation with him I told him I needed some space and I'd contact him next year and he said yea he understands I'm not feeling it. I told him no that's not it, I really just need a break and when I'm ready I will contact him. He said "you are cryptic af" Those were his last words! Now what am I supposed to ask him for help with that a ton of other people can't help with ? I don't need help with anything in his profession. Do you think it's a lost cause then?

 

For a girl that is so smart and insightful... you are emotionally complicated. :laugh:

 

Most ladies get obsessed with men that rejected them, you get fixated on a guy you preemptively rejected.

 

If you told him that you "needed space", he probably took that to mean you were emotionally tied up with "other men". If the conversation went down as you describe it... Then the door is open for you to reach out to him. You can literally just text him and say... "I don't need space anymore", but if you pull away again he is going to assume you have issues.

 

Personally... I would think very hard and come up with something he could "help" you with. It doesn't have to be something only he can do, you just tell him that you don't have anyone else to ask. That should signal no other guys in your life.

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Cookiesandough
I can't recall the details of the other thread but this is very different to moving too fast. Two totally different reasons. Which one was it Cookies?

 

What did you actually tell him was the reason to stop dating?

 

Yes I have plenty of time now. I just don't know how to open the convo. I need help with it.

 

I told him: I have been really confused lately. I think it's my anxiety and pressure, and the last thing I want to do is mislead someone. I think need a break. I'm going to have to cancel Monday. But I am hoping maybe stay in touch and meet up again and casually hang out in the future if you're around or interested at that point?

 

Then I told him that I will contact him next year and he got really confused because I think he thought when I said future I meant like within the next month

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Cookiesandough
For a girl that is so smart and insightful... you are emotionally complicated. :laugh:

 

Most ladies get obsessed with men that rejected them, you get fixated on a guy you preemptively rejected.

 

If you told him that you "needed space", he probably took that to mean you were emotionally tied up with "other men". If the conversation went down as you describe it... Then the door is open for you to reach out to him. You can literally just text him and say... "I don't need space anymore", but if you pull away again he is going to assume you have issues.

 

Personally... I would think very hard and come up with something he could "help" you with. It doesn't have to be something only he can do, you just tell him that you don't have anyone else to ask. That should signal no other guys in your life.

 

Thank you for your advice. I don't feel like I rejected, I just asked if we could postpone our dating. I hope he didn't assume it was for another guy. Do you have any clue how I could start the conversation?

 

Since he wasn't that interested in the first place do you think it may just be better to let it go and date other guys

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I guess I'm missing something. You told him you'd contact him in the new year. It's early in the new year. What do you have to lose? Don't waste his time though, or play games. Just be genuine. A simple "hey, I was thinking about you" is honest and a conversation starter.

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I guess I'm missing something. You told him you'd contact him in the new year. It's early in the new year. What do you have to lose? Don't waste his time though, or play games. Just be genuine. A simple "hey, I was thinking about you" is honest and a conversation starter.

 

You’re so right. I have absolutely nothing to lose. I am going to say these exact words to him next Wednesday and I will report back. Thank you so much! Thanks all

 

I will say “hey XXX it’s cookies I was thinking about you. Are you still single? (Fancy is too English for me to say) Would you be up for going out sometime? “

That is coming on very aggressive but it’s pretty typical for me lol. Maybe I’ll just say “hey it’s cookies. What’s up? “Thank you so much all I will say this next Wednesday and report back with the grim results

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Thank you for your advice. I don't feel like I rejected, I just asked if we could postpone our dating. I hope he didn't assume it was for another guy. Do you have any clue how I could start the conversation?

Since he wasn't that interested in the first place do you think it may just be better to let it go and date other guys

 

You would honestly have to tell me more about him. I forget how difficult this stuff when I was younger. If you practice it, eventually conversation becomes super easy. The best part is that you learn how to detect the things you are both interested in talking about! I mean let's face it... do you really want to hear some guy bang on about flat worm genetics for 45 minutes?

 

I would assume that he believes you have been dating other guys. At some point... maybe 2 weeks to 2 months in you may want to casually drop an explanation.

 

You’re so right. I have absolutely nothing to lose. I am going to say these exact words to him next Wednesday and I will report back. Thank you so much! Thanks all

I will say “hey XXX it’s cookies I was thinking about you. Are you still single? (Fancy is too English for me to say) Would you be up for going out sometime? “That is coming on very aggressive but it’s pretty typical for me lol. Thank you so much all I will say this next Wednesday and report back with the grim results

 

That is so damn direct, but if it fits your personality go for it.

 

Maybe instead of saying... "I was thinking about you", say "Hi, This is Cookies. I now have time to date, are you still single?"

 

Thinking about you from a near stranger sounds like... https://tenor.com/view/meme-overlyattachedgirlfriend-iseeyou-iloveyou-girlfriend-gif-5207398 ...

 

Make the statement about YOU not HIM.

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Cookiesandough

 

 

Thinking about you from a near stranger sounds like... https://tenor.com/view/meme-overlyattachedgirlfriend-iseeyou-iloveyou-girlfriend-gif-5207398 ...

 

Make the statement about YOU not HIM.

 

Dear xxx, I've been thinking of you. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you speechless and in awe. I remember the intoxicating, deep gaze of your eyes, your perfect smile - all of those features that just seemed to come to together so well - almost in an angelic way I suppose. The reason I'm texting you is to let you that I think that I have found most amazing man to ever have graced us with his presence on Earth. I know this means absolutely nothing to you, and you probably get many of these types of texts all the time and in real life BUT PLEASE understand I am being genuine when I say that you are the ultimate dictionary definition of a heavenly blessed beauty, whose inner beauty is divine and ever lasting, and I hope one day that you give me another chance. That perhaps one day, I could bestowed again by your breathtaking presence or at least to touch your hand or wash your feet. I would be forever grateful. I hope this message finds you well. I do not care if I get a response to this. I am just stating the obvious and how I feel. I can always see you in my dreams and in my car as I drive down your street.

 

Love, Cookies

 

P.S. My body is ready

 

Wednesday because it's far enough away that I don't have a panic attack thinking about it. I am definitely doing it though. I'll say "hey it's cookies. what's been up?!" If that's not enough for him...tough cookies.

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I will say “hey XXX it’s cookies I was thinking about you. Are you still single? Would you be up for going out sometime? “

That is coming on very aggressive but it’s pretty typical for me lol. Maybe I’ll just say “hey it’s cookies. What’s up? “Thank you so much all I will say this next Wednesday and report back with the grim results

 

I still don't know why you needed to take a break. Anyway, I don't like this approach. It's not aggressive. It sounds entitled. After 4 months it's not right to waltz back "hey what's up" like haha nothing happened. "I was thinking about you" makes it sound like you're just bored and suddenly thought of him as a distraction. Even if he's single, doesn't mean he's available to you.

 

I suggest you send a pretty photo of yourself and ask him "do you still remember me? I said I'd contact you this year, and I never forgot you. I probably owe you an explanation. Do you have time to see me?"

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I agree that a "what's up, are you single?" is not enough. You gotta actually let him know you're not just playing with him because he had to have felt stung by you bowing out. I like "I've been thinking about you and..." I think it makes the other person feel a little special without being overwhelming.

 

Don't wait till wednesday. Either he responds well or he doesn't and either way doesn't say anything about your worth. During the time I've been single I've really worked on handling rejection and it is a good thing to do. Hopefully you won't have to practice that on this guy, but if you do, it doesn't have to be a negative. It is disappointing when someone doesn't feel how you'd like them to, but nine times out of ten it doesn't have anything to do with you.

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Hmmm.

 

Somebody has been studying pick up artistry. Oneitis? Go f*** 10 other women? Scouting the opposing team, huh? :D

 

I agree with the others. Contact him. Make it simple. “It’s the new year. Just touching bases. Wondering if we could meet to catch up. I’m available Wednesday or Friday.”

 

Something like that.

 

His response will tell you if you should continue to try to see him or move on.

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Dear xxx, I've been thinking of you. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you speechless and in awe. I remember the intoxicating, deep gaze of your eyes, your perfect smile - all of those features that just seemed to come to together so well - almost in an angelic way I suppose. The reason I'm texting you is to let you that I think that I have found most amazing man to ever have graced us with his presence on Earth. I know this means absolutely nothing to you, and you probably get many of these types of texts all the time and in real life BUT PLEASE understand I am being genuine when I say that you are the ultimate dictionary definition of a heavenly blessed beauty, whose inner beauty is divine and ever lasting, and I hope one day that you give me another chance. That perhaps one day, I could bestowed again by your breathtaking presence or at least to touch your hand or wash your feet. I would be forever grateful. I hope this message finds you well. I do not care if I get a response to this. I am just stating the obvious and how I feel. I can always see you in my dreams and in my car as I drive down your street.

Love, Cookies

P.S. My body is ready

Wednesday because it's far enough away that I don't have a panic attack thinking about it. I am definitely doing it though. I'll say "hey it's cookies. what's been up?!" If that's not enough for him...tough cookies.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::lmao:

 

I think I just peed myself laughing!!

 

Technically, you could go the opposite direction and just text him like 2am asking for a picture of his junk!

 

Hmmm.

Somebody has been studying pick up artistry. Oneitis? Go f*** 10 other women? Scouting the opposing team, huh? :D

 

Isn't that part of her charm?

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Just message him! I thought you did after NYE?

 

Gauging by his answer you’d know where you stand immediately.

 

No need to suppress the crush, that’s like gaming yourself;)

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Dear xxx, I've been thinking of you. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you speechless and in awe. I remember the intoxicating, deep gaze of your eyes, your perfect smile - all of those features that just seemed to come to together so well - almost in an angelic way I suppose. The reason I'm texting you is to let you that I think that I have found most amazing man to ever have graced us with his presence on Earth. I know this means absolutely nothing to you, and you probably get many of these types of texts all the time and in real life BUT PLEASE understand I am being genuine when I say that you are the ultimate dictionary definition of a heavenly blessed beauty, whose inner beauty is divine and ever lasting, and I hope one day that you give me another chance. That perhaps one day, I could bestowed again by your breathtaking presence or at least to touch your hand or wash your feet. I would be forever grateful. I hope this message finds you well. I do not care if I get a response to this. I am just stating the obvious and how I feel. I can always see you in my dreams and in my car as I drive down your street.

 

Love, Cookies

 

P.S. My body is ready

 

Wednesday because it's far enough away that I don't have a panic attack thinking about it. I am definitely doing it though. I'll say "hey it's cookies. what's been up?!" If that's not enough for him...tough cookies.

 

:lmao: Now if you message him the long missive he’ll rightfully run away :lmao: Although the irony is it’s a good reflection of the thoughts of a crusher :D

 

But ‘hey it’s cookies...’ is not a bad starting line ;)

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