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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?


Iseult

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Happy New Year everyone! I hope I’m not the first trivial post this year…

 

I’ve been hanging out with a girl for a couple of months now and she’s a very nice person. However, she’s not really my “type” and I never would have gone out with her if she hadn’t asked me out to dinner. I was introduced to her by an ex and what started out as friends became an intimate relationship. I’m ok with going out to dinner and shows with her, but I’m not looking to be in an exclusive relationship with her.

 

The other night I went out to a New Year’s party with some friends with her included and at the end of the night she assumed she would be coming over to my place. I had invited another girl over and told her so. She seemed ok with it at first but later I saw her crying and her friend told me she felt dejected. I felt bad so I cancelled plans with the original girl and asked dejected girl to accompany me for some champagne breakfast and all ended well for that day.

 

I genuinely enjoy being with this girl but I am not looking to make her my “girlfriend”. She’s been dropping hints recently about wanting exclusivity but I ignore them and maintain status quo. Is what I’m doing wrong? I don’t think I’m leading her on because she knows I go out with other girls, but things she says/does tells me she wants something more than I do.

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Well even though she knows you see other girls, it's clearly upsetting her. I think your intuition is accurate that she wants more. You may need to have a talk and put it to her bluntly that are not interested in a exclusive relationship and you enjoy her company but you don't want to hurt her.

 

She deserves a chance to decide if she wants to accept this or not. But probably best if she's free to find someone on the same page as her. You like her but also keep this going out of guilt, somewhat. So in a way, it's still leading her on even though she knows the truth. Deep down she is hoping that you change your mind about her.

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I think it's poor form to be sleeping with a person who really wants to date you while still trying to meet others.

 

Stop sleeping with her.

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I think it's poor form to be sleeping with a person who really wants to date you while still trying to meet others.

 

Stop sleeping with her.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

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Is what I’m doing wrong?

 

If you told her you aren't trying to make her your gf then your hands are "technically" clean.

 

As the saying goes, "the heart wants what it wants" and for this girl that is to be in a relationship with you.

 

You know what you are doing is going to hurt her in the end and the fact that you are posting makes me think that this is somehow going against your own moral code, which is why you seem conflicted.

 

You should stop this now, and stop being selfish. Forget about your physical needs and think about this girl for once.

 

She is going to be hurt now but if you do the "dumping" in a clear but firm manner she will see your integrity more and know that you aren't just stringing her along for sex (as you currently have been).

 

Be cruel but kind.

good luck

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The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

 

Poor excuse. Learn to have more consideration of others.

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Sex is not a major dynamic of this relationship and to be honest, she’s not very good at it. It’s just something we do when it’s convenient. We have similar interests in the arts so we go to shows and exhibitions, have dinner and then sometimes sex.

 

I like this arrangement and I hope she’s happy with it as well. If she wants something more, I will say thank you and sorry, but no.

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Sex is not a major dynamic of this relationship and to be honest, she’s not very good at it. It’s just something we do when it’s convenient. We have similar interests in the arts so we go to shows and exhibitions, have dinner and then sometimes sex.

 

I like this arrangement and I hope she’s happy with it as well. If she wants something more, I will say thank you and sorry, but no.

 

But you know she DOES want something more. If you keep stringing her along she's going to get hurt. Please do the right thing by her, you know you don't want a relationship, and she does. It's just not going to work.

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The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

 

What a lame excuse.

 

You need to be honest with this girl. If you know that she wants to be your girlfriend but you have no intention of making that happen... You need to be honest with her or stop sleeping with her.

 

To do anything less, makes you a total cad.

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But you know she DOES want something more.

I do not. I just have an inkling. She hasn't mentioned anything about exclusivity and I'm not about to bring it up either. If she does, I will have to tell her I am not interested in her that way. I suppose I'm looking for a gentle way of putting it to her...

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She’s been dropping hints recently about wanting exclusivity but I ignore them and maintain status quo.

 

Dude. You know what she wants. You said it yourself.

 

Just be a man and be honest with her. Tell her that you enjoy spending time together, but you are not looking to "date her exclusively." Then, she can make her own decision.

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What a lame excuse.

 

You need to be honest with this girl. If you know that she wants to be your girlfriend but you have no intention of making that happen... You need to be honest with her or stop sleeping with her.

 

To do anything less, makes you a total cad.

Like I said, sex is not the main focus of our relationship. We go out and have fun together. Sex is an afterthought. I have been honest with her and have not lied about being with other women.

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Like I said, sex is not the main focus of our relationship. We go out and have fun together. Sex is an afterthought. I have been honest with her and have not lied about being with other women.

 

Crying girl on New Years when you tell her that you are going home with another woman tells you... she wants more and she is not happy with your little arrangement.

 

If the sex is not the focus of the relationship and if it is not good, then be her friend. Date other girls.

 

Don't lead her on...

Edited by BaileyB
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Dude. You know what she wants. You said it yourself.

 

Just be a man and be honest with her. Tell her that you enjoy spending time together, but you are not looking to "date her exclusively." Then, she can make her own decision.

I will tell her so. However, I will not be the one to bring up the topic of exclusivity. That's her responsibility if that's what she wants.

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healing light

Stop dating her if you know she isn't your type. She's obviously into you and you will just destroy her self-esteem if you continue to choose other girls over her and make someone else your girlfriend. She's going to be playing the, "pick me! pick me!" game and wondering what's wrong with her if you don't date her exclusively.

 

Let her go. It's the kind thing to do.

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Stop dating her if you know she isn't your type. She's obviously into you and you will just destroy her self-esteem if you continue to choose other girls over her and make someone else your girlfriend. She's going to be playing the, "pick me! pick me!" game and wondering what's wrong with her if you don't date her exclusively.

 

Let her go. It's the kind thing to do.

I understand what you're saying. I will slowly decrease the time we spend together. I don't feel comfortable just ignoring her suddenly.

 

BTW, I wouldn't say we're dating. Sometimes it's just the two of us, but other times it would be a group of us going out together. I never initiate calls or texts with her and it's always her asking me to make a date available. If I'm free, I'll go out with her but I've probably declined about half the time she's asked.

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I will probably get flamed for this, but I don't think you are doing anything that most people haven't already done a time or two themselves. I wouldn't think much of it. You make no promises to this girl. All you do is hang out with her when she invites you. You aren't telling her lies so you can get laid and you aren't really leading her on.

 

Just continue being honest with her. If she continues to want to hang out with you anyway, then that is her decision to make as an adult. I think the reason so many ladies here are hating on you is because they have been in that girl's position. Upset over the fact that some guy they are into doesn't feel the same way.

 

The OP has asked for opinions on this 'relationship' and people, not just female posters have been giving the OP advice. The OP is obviously not feeling comfortable with the situation seeing how the girl was crying on NYE over him.

 

If OP likes the woman as a friend then he not going want to lead her on or want further her emotional attachment to him.

 

You need stop sleeping with this woman, that is just giving her hope. It sounds like you got game and can get other women so there no need to be using this woman.

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OP, you know this isn't right, stop being a coward.

Take responsibility and stop sleeping with her.

 

Lack of responsibility is such an unattractive trait in a man, it's one of the traits of a man-child.

Most grown women don't want to date toddlers.

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The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

 

You need to work on that then. Be the best person and the best man you can be. This will ensure that you attract what you put out in the universe.

 

On the flip side, she needs to learn how to believe men when they show (tell) her their true selves and then RUN when when it's bad. This is something every woman needs to learn how to do as early in life as possible.

Edited by Popsicle
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If youre not dating her then you are just friends. Friends don't sleep with each other. Okay some friends can with added benefits but there has to be boundaries.

 

 

I would suggest you communicate to her what you are. As in just friends.

 

 

The longer you keep this running the longer she will be more attached/invested and confused.

 

 

For both your situation. Stop it, and stop it sooner than later.

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healing light

He's not being honest with her, though. He's omitting the fact that he will never want to be with her and just ignoring the hints she's given him about exclusivity because they're inconvenient. He's still accepting half the time she invites him out, still sleeping with her, still hanging out with her publicly. In her mind, she has a chance. He needs to--in the very least--communicate to her that he's not looking for a relationship with her, but that he's fine with FWB or friends. Not doing the slow fade, not hiding his head in the sand and hoping she will get the hint. A lot of young women will only try harder, not less, upon receiving these mixed signals. They'll make it about them, their deficiencies, and how they can prove they're good enough.

 

He doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, doesn't want to cut off the gravy train, etc.

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She is in love with him and every time he accepts her invitation and they have sex she thinks she is winning him round.

BUT he is just using her.

He knows she is besotted, he knows he can get sex and he knows she will always turn up at the snap of his finger.

 

I think FWB is a OK arrangement as long as both are cool with it being casual and no feelings get involved, but this girl has feelings and so he needs to let her know the score asap and stop using her for sex and filling in his spare time.

He has not been upfront, he has not said "This is casual, we are not exclusive", he continues hanging out with and sleeping with her and to someone in love it just shows her that he cares for her.

 

It is definitely caddish to lead this girl on for months and then on NYE casually invite some other girl home with him, that was appalling behaviour.

 

Women are actual human beings with hopes, dreams and feelings, sometimes in their quest for sex, some men forget that fact.

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LoverOfDance

@enigma32 - I'm honestly DISGUSTED by how selfish you sound. Yes, this girl has responsibilities and should know better but you also have a responsibility to NOT hurt others. Be a freaking human for God's sake and have a freaking heart.

 

OP, I know you think you have done your part and the rest is up to her but you haven't at all. Don't sleep with her knowing she has feelings for you. Do what is right for God's sake and stop doing something you know will hurt someone else. it's a new year. BE A HUMAN BEING, have regard for other people's feelings and stop being selfish.

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If this was FWB where neither had an attachment to each other, fine, but this young lady is in love or infatuated with you, and you know it, and you need to stop sleeping with her. Break it off. It leaves her in this state of confusion. The closeness and the intimacy of sex is different for her than you. She feels closer. She thinks you'll come around, and that you care for her. You use her when it's convenient. Then you go on to say she's not that great in bed...so, it's merely a convenient place to stick it when the wind blows you in her direction? How cruel to her. Do the right think and break it off.

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