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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:42 PM   #61
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I saw a friend cry in exact same circumstance and it's a terrible thing. When people like someone a lot sometimes they aren't able to reason to get out a situation that isn't good for them. You are the more detached party here so you should be the one to end it in good conscience. You clearly innately feel it is wrong, but you want BJs so bad that you're willing to put both of you through this suffering. I have been in the circumstance too when I could have taken advantage of a guy who liked me when I didn't reciprocate, friend zoned him and had a day, but it felt too wrong. Don't stoop there. Don't be beta
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:45 PM   #62
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You are leading her on... Unless you give her the "we are only ever going to be friends speech" and stop having sex with her, you are leading her on...

It may not feel like it to you. But, trust us, when this girl has feelings for you and she has sex with you, she is more than likely thinking... If I hang in long enough, he may tell me that he wants more and/or change his mind.

Sex, for many women, is a game changer. You may think it's just a bj, but to her... it probably means so much more... as evidenced, by the tears when she learned you were going home with someone else.

And yes, why are you wasting your time and her time, "dating" a woman with whom you don't want to have an actual relationship? It makes no sense... As does your statement that the sex was bad. I suppose, bad sex is better than no sex?
I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her.

I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends.

And for the last time, I am not using her for sex. I couldn't care less if we never had sex again.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:51 PM   #63
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That's not the point though. We are saying she clearly likes you romantically. You are now friend-zoning her. That is just as bad! She is not happy with this situation. How about her feelings

Also, also building your ego this way may feel good temporarily but it will be temporary. It's not sustainable and it is not a happy, healthy way.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:52 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by Iseult View Post
I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her.

I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends.
I hear you, and it does seem like you are hearing what we are saying.

But, can you appreciate that she may have a very different perspective than you.

YOU know that you are friends, who go out to plays, musicals, etc... In your mind, you are very clear on that! But, because you have never said the word to her and because she has had your d in her mouth, SHE may still be holding out hope that the invitation to go to the play together means more than it really does.

Just, be careful here... What you are doing could be very hurtful to her.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:02 PM   #65
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I understand what you and the others are saying. I'm old enough to know sex has different meanings to men and women. So I will stop having sex with her and enjoy her company for what it is, which is all I ever wanted when I got to know her.

I am not "dating" her. We go out to watch plays, musicals, exhibitions, etc. Sometimes just the two of us, other times with other friends. We are friends.

And for the last time, I am not using her for sex. I couldn't care less if we never had sex again.
You still don't get it.
She loves you, she cannot be your friend.
It will carve her up inside every time you go to the movies, go to a show, spend time hanging about one on one as she wants more from you than just friendship. She is putting up with your bad behaviour just now, because she thinks she is in with a chance.
On NYE she obviously thought you were an item

You need to distance yourself completely, put her out of her misery. That is why it is always a bad idea to sleep with friends as once it is over they often hate you or if they don't actually hate you they do not want to be anywhere near you as it hurts too much.
Unrequited love is pure hell.

Try it sometime.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:07 PM   #66
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Just for fun, let me share a story...

When I first met my current boyfriend, he had been separated for over two years. We dated for a few months but when it became time to become more serious, he told me that he had decided that he was not quite ready for a serious relationship. He told me that he relly enjoyed spending time wih me, and he would like to continue to see me... to go to movies and concerts, etc - as friends. But, he would understand and respect my decision if I was not comfortable with that.

I had wanted more and I was disappointed by his decision. But, I respected his decision and his honesty. I told him that as much as I also enjoyed his company and wanted to remain "friends," I was not interested in spending time, for lack of a better word "dating" him, when I could be spending my time with others who shared a similar goal - to find a long term partner. I had more self respect than to wait around and hope tht he would change his mind... And, I knew that it would hurt too much to be his "friend" and "movie companion." Unrequited love is hell.

Over a year later, he sent me an email telling me that he continued to think of me all the time and asking if I was free for coffee... we have been dating ever since.

Now this, is what a man does who has the best interest of the woman as a priority. Sure, she can always make the decision to continue to see you, or even have sex with you... But least then, its an informed decision.

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd January 2018 at 3:14 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:17 PM   #67
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She loves you, she cannot be your friend.
Where did this come from!?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:19 PM   #68
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There is one thing bothering me about your post. You say she's not good in bed. Yet you continue having sex with her.

You say you get better sex all the time. But it's convenient for you when she basically "throws herself at you".

You know you're hurting her, but you don't really care.....honestly, I'd understand if the sex was good. I don't really care whether you're leading her on, but your "the sex isn't even that good" attitude is quite disgusting.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:19 PM   #69
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Where did this come from!?
Girls don't cry over guys they don't love! You just refuse to get it!
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:20 PM   #70
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Where did this come from!?
Why do you think she was crying her eyes out when you were going to take home some other girl, a speck of dust in her eye maybe???
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:27 PM   #71
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Pack up, people. This is a proponent of dread game(apparent from another thread) and perhaps that tactic didn't pick up what they liked here because it usually only picks what others don't like(weak willed, insecure,and/or and unstable) I wash my hands of this. Some of us can only learn the hard way. But hope whatever you choose is for the best of you both.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:41 PM   #72
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These types of threads are hilaaaaaarious. Women somehow became incapable of being responsible for their own actions, and it is all up to a man to take care of their fragile hearts. BS. The OP never said he lied to her. He never made her any promises that they would be exclusive, get married, or live together happily ever after. All he does is occasionally agree to hang out with a girl that keeps asking him out. If they have sex, well, it takes two to tango, does it not? She is deciding to spend time with this guy, and evidently gobbles his penis up without any of those aforementioned promises of true love. If her heart requires exclusivity, love, or marriage before sex is appropriate, that decision is hers to make. If she doesn't want to keep hanging out with a guy that is only mildly interested in her at best, that is her decision to make. And now especially, since the OP let her know he chooses to spend time with other ladies, she should know exactly where she stands with him. Yet, she still calls on him to get sushi with her.

If the OP had lied to hook up with this girl, I would happily pick up a pitchfork and torch and march alongside y'all in condemnation of the OP. He didn't so I won't. The lesson here is; if you ladies expect something in return for having sex with a guy, maybe you should be honest about what it is you want prior to having sex. This is just the male version of the friendzone. The friendswithbenefitszone, if you will
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:45 PM   #73
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Didn't read all the replies so I'm kinda sure this has been said but here it goes:

You are doing the wrong thing mainly because each time she sees you she thinks there is a chance you would date her as a girlfriend, yet you already "know" that's never going to happen for you. People can be ok that multi-dating is happening yet believe they are being fairly considered. You have actually already come to the conclusion that it will never be that way for you guys so you are leading her on. So yes, a bit caddish. I think even changing your NYE thing around to accommodate her gives a really wrong message. She will anew think she has a chance when she really doesn't.

While I don't think it was that cool to throw hooking up with other girls in her face, you cannot skirt the issue any longer, you just don't see her as long term material. It doesn't matter exclusivity or not--because you know you will never give it to her because you don't see her as gf material for you. So to keep seeing her in any way is selfish of you. (i do realize that switching around your NYE seems nice but it's hurtful in the long run as well-intentioned as you may have meant it.). Let her down nicely but make it clear that it's a final decision. Good luck
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Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:46 PM   #74
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Letís talk about the very strange definition of ďadultĒ relationship that has been used some in this thread. I fail to see how selfish behaviour and arguing about technicalities has anything to do with adultness? I believe, however, such traits are fairly common among children.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:57 PM   #75
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Originally Posted by contel3 View Post
There is one thing bothering me about your post. You say she's not good in bed. Yet you continue having sex with her.

You say you get better sex all the time. But it's convenient for you when she basically "throws herself at you".

You know you're hurting her, but you don't really care.....honestly, I'd understand if the sex was good. I don't really care whether you're leading her on, but your "the sex isn't even that good" attitude is quite disgusting.
I've had sex with her maybe a handful of times, and she's never "thrown herself on me". I've always initiated. I am not looking for sex from her but if I don't initiate, it's like she's waiting for me to make a move. For example, one night we got back to my place from an after party for a design show. It was late at night and I was tired so I just wanted to go to sleep. She kept tossing and turning and talking aloud so I tried ignoring her but she wouldn't keep still until I started fingering her. I thought that would put her to sleep but as soon as I finished, the tossing and turning started up again. So I did what I had to do and banged her to bed.

Sex with her is not bad but it definitely not good. I'm not sure why you think my attitude is "disgusting".
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