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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?


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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:37 AM   #31
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Thanks to everyone who's weighed in. It seems like the majority opinion is that I am a cad and l won't argue with that.

Someone mentioned that the reason I posted this was because I was feeling conflicted and that's true. Girls I usually go out with are strong, confident, assertive and they know what they're getting when they go out with me. But this girl is comparatively passive and quiet and seems inexperienced with adult relationships. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her and make her distrustful of men, hence this post.

Alot of people seem to think that not having sex with her is the solution, and while I don't agree with this, I can do that. I want to make clear that I'm not with her for the sex. I don't want to sound crass but I get plenty, at a much higher quality than what she offers. I go out with her because of shared interests and our conversations are fun. That's all.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:53 AM   #32
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IMHO, by her behavior she DEFINITELY wants to be exclusive and have a relationship. You've been told that by a couple of prior responders and slough it off. But that's what's going on. It's your choice. But, I think you need to make a clean break, or say you are going to shows buddies and that's it, no sex, or make it a relationship. Even if she says she's OK with being going to shows buddies with the occasional sex, she isn't.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:58 AM   #33
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Originally Posted by Iseult View Post
Thanks to everyone who's weighed in. It seems like the majority opinion is that I am a cad and l won't argue with that.

Someone mentioned that the reason I posted this was because I was feeling conflicted and that's true. Girls I usually go out with are strong, confident, assertive and they know what they're getting when they go out with me. But this girl is comparatively passive and quiet and seems inexperienced with adult relationships. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her and make her distrustful of men, hence this post.

Alot of people seem to think that not having sex with her is the solution, and while I don't agree with this, I can do that. I want to make clear that I'm not with her for the sex. I don't want to sound crass but I get plenty, at a much higher quality than what she offers. I go out with her because of shared interests and our conversations are fun. That's all.

You need to tell her this or just stop seeing her. You aren't doing her any favors by hanging out with her knowing she's in love with you. If you don't want her to think that all men are distrustful, leave her alone.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:58 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
She is in love with him and every time he accepts her invitation and they have sex she thinks she is winning him round.
BUT he is just using her.
He knows she is besotted, he knows he can get sex and he knows she will always turn up at the snap of his finger.

I think FWB is a OK arrangement as long as both are cool with it being casual and no feelings get involved, but this girl has feelings and so he needs to let her know the score asap and stop using her for sex and filling in his spare time.
He has not been upfront, he has not said "This is casual, we are not exclusive", he continues hanging out with and sleeping with her and to someone in love it just shows her that he cares for her.

It is definitely caddish to lead this girl on for months and then on NYE casually invite some other girl home with him, that was appalling behaviour.

Women are actual human beings with hopes, dreams and feelings, sometimes in their quest for sex, some men forget that fact.
I am not using her unless you to think enjoying each other's company is using people. She knows I have sex with other girls because I've told her and one of them is her friend (the ex who originally introduced me to her). I have to think she's ok with this arrangement because she still continues to ask me out.

I am not going to start a conversation about "what are we?" I don't do that and that's not my responsibility.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:03 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
OP, you know this isn't right, stop being a coward.
Take responsibility and stop sleeping with her.

Lack of responsibility is such an unattractive trait in a man, it's one of the traits of a man-child.
Most grown women don't want to date toddlers.
It seems that she was acting like a toddler also by standing there crying over a guy who was clear he didn't want a relationship with her. Grown women have to take responsibility as well and not leave it up to strange men to guard their hearts.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:42 AM   #36
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One rule for a man and another for a woman it seems, I've seen threads where its high 5's all round and heavy playing of the 'Na na na na naaaaaaah, no exclusivity LOL.' card when it is a woman keeping her options open.

Don't listen to the sisterhood OP- If she wants exclusivity and she isn't asking for it that is all on her. You aren't responsible for her choices and your gender doesn't make you accountable either.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:49 AM   #37
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Originally Posted by Iseult View Post
I am not going to start a conversation about "what are we?" I don't do that and that's not my responsibility.
It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you.
You ARE a user I am afraid.
YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is.

YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:55 AM   #38
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This never happened to me, as I was very aware of how things work and whatís in my best interest but yes you are a cad. The fact that she bears responsibility for being stupid and allowing to be treated this way doesnít make you less of a cad. If you want to be an upstanding man stop seeing her and stop rationalzing away your behavior on the account of her stupidity. Thatís classic victim blaming , which excuses nothing.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:01 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you.
You ARE a user I am afraid.
YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is.

YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements.
You are insulting both her intelligence and ours by claiming she has no agency in all this. She sounds old enough to drink, drive and vote but yet she is not old enough to be responsible for her choices? Get outta here...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:07 PM   #40
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You are insulting both her intelligence and ours by claiming she has no agency in all this. She sounds old enough to drink, drive and vote but yet she is not old enough to be responsible for her choices? Get outta here...
He already said she was quiet, passive and inexperienced in adult relationships, so HE knows he is taking advantage of her.

It is perfectly possible to take advantage of less competent, inexperienced, quiet and passive individuals whatever their age or intelligence level.

People with morals and a thread of decency running through them, tend to avoid doing that if at all possible.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:23 PM   #41
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If she wants exclusivity and she isn't asking for it that is all on her. You aren't responsible for her choices and your gender doesn't make you accountable either.
I agree. She is an adult and is she is free to make her own decisions based on the truths I present to her, just as I am free to make my own. I am not going to condescend to know what's best for her.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:24 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He already said she was quiet, passive and inexperienced in adult relationships, so HE knows he is taking advantage of her.

It is perfectly possible to take advantage of less competent, inexperienced, quiet and passive individuals whatever their age or intelligence level.

People with morals and a thread of decency running through them, tend to avoid doing that if at all possible.
Then it will be a good learning experience for her. Everyone gets their heart broken at some point- it is part of life. As long as OP is not over promising then by the letter of the law he is not doing anything wrong- women get this advice all the time and I don't see why being a man makes it so different.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:24 PM   #43
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@some username1 - No one said she wasn't responsible for her choices. Don't put words into peoples' mouths. We are simply making the OP aware that he too still has responsibilities in this situation that he shouldn't ignore regardless of what the girl is doing.

This girl is pretty much willingly walking right in front of a speeding bus. Yes she is an adult, she is not blind and she should know better but that doesn't mean you should just stand there and watch her hurt herself. We are simply asking the OP to push her out of the way before she breaks an arm or in this case, a heart. It is the HUMAN thing to do. Please do the right thing OP, don't just stand there and watch.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:29 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
It is your responsibility as a decent human being to not take advantage of a quiet, passive, inexperienced girl just because you can and because she is in love with you.
You ARE a user I am afraid.
YOU are no doubt using your ex too, who is probably in the same position as this girl is.

YOU just do not want to say anything that will upset you're very cosy little arrangements.
I don't see how I'm taking advantage of her. As someone mentioned, I think you are belittling her intelligence and rejecting her choices as an individual. She's passive, not stupid.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:31 PM   #45
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I think the gal in question needs this experience to know that she is not built for casual with someone she likes. That visceral anguish she feels is going to help prevent her from making this mistake again far better than, say, her friends consoling/scolding her that "she can do better."

OP you say she's not that great in bed. In your estimation do you think you're any good for her? Do you primarily concern yourself with your own pleasure? This is my own curiosity, not related to how you should handle this.
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