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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?


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Old 1st January 2018, 11:00 PM   #1
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Why do I feel like a cad and am I one?

Happy New Year everyone! I hope Im not the first trivial post this year

Ive been hanging out with a girl for a couple of months now and shes a very nice person. However, shes not really my type and I never would have gone out with her if she hadnt asked me out to dinner. I was introduced to her by an ex and what started out as friends became an intimate relationship. Im ok with going out to dinner and shows with her, but Im not looking to be in an exclusive relationship with her.

The other night I went out to a New Years party with some friends with her included and at the end of the night she assumed she would be coming over to my place. I had invited another girl over and told her so. She seemed ok with it at first but later I saw her crying and her friend told me she felt dejected. I felt bad so I cancelled plans with the original girl and asked dejected girl to accompany me for some champagne breakfast and all ended well for that day.

I genuinely enjoy being with this girl but I am not looking to make her my girlfriend. Shes been dropping hints recently about wanting exclusivity but I ignore them and maintain status quo. Is what Im doing wrong? I dont think Im leading her on because she knows I go out with other girls, but things she says/does tells me she wants something more than I do.
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Old 1st January 2018, 11:43 PM   #2
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Well even though she knows you see other girls, it's clearly upsetting her. I think your intuition is accurate that she wants more. You may need to have a talk and put it to her bluntly that are not interested in a exclusive relationship and you enjoy her company but you don't want to hurt her.

She deserves a chance to decide if she wants to accept this or not. But probably best if she's free to find someone on the same page as her. You like her but also keep this going out of guilt, somewhat. So in a way, it's still leading her on even though she knows the truth. Deep down she is hoping that you change your mind about her.
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Old 1st January 2018, 11:45 PM   #3
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I think it's poor form to be sleeping with a person who really wants to date you while still trying to meet others.

Stop sleeping with her.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:10 AM   #4
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I think it's poor form to be sleeping with a person who really wants to date you while still trying to meet others.

Stop sleeping with her.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:20 AM   #5
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Is what I’m doing wrong?

If you told her you aren't trying to make her your gf then your hands are "technically" clean.

As the saying goes, "the heart wants what it wants" and for this girl that is to be in a relationship with you.

You know what you are doing is going to hurt her in the end and the fact that you are posting makes me think that this is somehow going against your own moral code, which is why you seem conflicted.

You should stop this now, and stop being selfish. Forget about your physical needs and think about this girl for once.

She is going to be hurt now but if you do the "dumping" in a clear but firm manner she will see your integrity more and know that you aren't just stringing her along for sex (as you currently have been).

Be cruel but kind.
good luck
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:41 AM   #6
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The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Poor excuse. Learn to have more consideration of others.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:10 AM   #7
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Sex is not a major dynamic of this relationship and to be honest, shes not very good at it. Its just something we do when its convenient. We have similar interests in the arts so we go to shows and exhibitions, have dinner and then sometimes sex.

I like this arrangement and I hope shes happy with it as well. If she wants something more, I will say thank you and sorry, but no.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:24 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Iseult View Post
Sex is not a major dynamic of this relationship and to be honest, shes not very good at it. Its just something we do when its convenient. We have similar interests in the arts so we go to shows and exhibitions, have dinner and then sometimes sex.

I like this arrangement and I hope shes happy with it as well. If she wants something more, I will say thank you and sorry, but no.
But you know she DOES want something more. If you keep stringing her along she's going to get hurt. Please do the right thing by her, you know you don't want a relationship, and she does. It's just not going to work.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:25 AM   #9
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The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
What a lame excuse.

You need to be honest with this girl. If you know that she wants to be your girlfriend but you have no intention of making that happen... You need to be honest with her or stop sleeping with her.

To do anything less, makes you a total cad.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:43 AM   #10
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But you know she DOES want something more.
I do not. I just have an inkling. She hasn't mentioned anything about exclusivity and I'm not about to bring it up either. If she does, I will have to tell her I am not interested in her that way. I suppose I'm looking for a gentle way of putting it to her...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:49 AM   #11
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Shes been dropping hints recently about wanting exclusivity but I ignore them and maintain status quo.
Dude. You know what she wants. You said it yourself.

Just be a man and be honest with her. Tell her that you enjoy spending time together, but you are not looking to "date her exclusively." Then, she can make her own decision.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:49 AM   #12
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What a lame excuse.

You need to be honest with this girl. If you know that she wants to be your girlfriend but you have no intention of making that happen... You need to be honest with her or stop sleeping with her.

To do anything less, makes you a total cad.
Like I said, sex is not the main focus of our relationship. We go out and have fun together. Sex is an afterthought. I have been honest with her and have not lied about being with other women.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:53 AM   #13
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Like I said, sex is not the main focus of our relationship. We go out and have fun together. Sex is an afterthought. I have been honest with her and have not lied about being with other women.
Crying girl on New Years when you tell her that you are going home with another woman tells you... she wants more and she is not happy with your little arrangement.

If the sex is not the focus of the relationship and if it is not good, then be her friend. Date other girls.

Don't lead her on...

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd January 2018 at 1:56 AM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:56 AM   #14
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Dude. You know what she wants. You said it yourself.

Just be a man and be honest with her. Tell her that you enjoy spending time together, but you are not looking to "date her exclusively." Then, she can make her own decision.
I will tell her so. However, I will not be the one to bring up the topic of exclusivity. That's her responsibility if that's what she wants.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:09 AM   #15
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All I can say is that there is a very good reason why you feel like a cad.
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