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Old 30th December 2017, 5:38 PM   #1
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Worried

I have been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend for two years, our relationship have been being through alot, we break up, we make up again but we love each other, she loves me dearly. So 6 months ago we broke because i found out that everything she told me about her self were lies i was heart broken, but the truth is, i have forgiven her totally. but we still broke. not because of the lies alone, i am a kind of person i need someone who will be supportive and be truly concerned about me.. she loves me dearly but she lacks this qualities. i dont know why.

So i decided to break up with her in other not to waste her time because without these qualities i cant see a future with you. even though it was painful to me because i still love her truth be told but i dont want to waste her time because i have tried to tell her but it seems that is how she is. She cried and cried and i also cried.

but i knew i was doing it for her it will be wicked for me to date her for years and later dump her. It was painful for me because i still have feelings for her.

Fast forward to 3 days after 6 months of no contact she texted me and i replied because i could not resist her, then i later planned for us to see each other at her place... (we saw and we discussed i realized she still have serious feelings for me i never knew she loved me this much even after 6 months of no contact she was crying how her life has been a mess and so on) I told her point blank that we cant get back to dating that i am not psychologically ready for it, (i said this because i dont want to hurt again by jumping into a relationship with her and leaving her again) one thing led to another we had sex ...

we discussed again and i told (though i still have feelings for her but i dont want to be selfish) that she should give me one to two months that i should think and get myself emotions and life back together then we might get back together if God allows that i dont want to leave her again if we start dating again. She was heart broken, if i knew she still has this strong feelings for me i wouldnt have gone to see her i also underestimated the feelings i have for her. during the 6 months period I had to change my number, go off whatsapp and other platform so i dont go back to her i had to myself under control so i dont get selfish and go back to her because i still have feelings for her. but she still found a way to contact me.

I have sat down thought about it, i can actually date this girl but she is more individualistic , i need a supportive wife (though she is loving in other areas) but being supportive in my job and really caring she is not.... but she is loving, if i say i should date and see if she will change or has changed and i later find out she has not i am scared of breaking her heart and leaving her, we have both being through a lot.
Also how do i tell her that will be less devastating to her even though i knew she returned me and her back to where we were 6 months ago emotionally.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:07 PM   #2
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You realize you don't actually love her, right? You said that everything she told you about herself were lies, so the woman you think you love doesn't actually exist.

Tell her you regret reconciling and are ending the relationship. Then block all possible avenues of communication.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:55 PM   #3
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You realize you don't actually love her, right? You said that everything she told you about herself were lies, so the woman you think you love doesn't actually exist.

Tell her you regret reconciling and are ending the relationship. Then block all possible avenues of communication.
Thank you for your time and reply. i have not re started the relationship i just told her to give me time to think things over... i have thought it over.. it is better to let go and move on than to date her and end the relationship later... how do i tell her... she is waiting for my answer i told her to give me 1 or 2 months to get myself back together phychologically and emotionally.
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:13 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Itsallgood2017 View Post
Thank you for your time and reply. i have not re started the relationship i just told her to give me time to think things over... i have thought it over.. it is better to let go and move on than to date her and end the relationship later... how do i tell her... she is waiting for my answer i told her to give me 1 or 2 months to get myself back together phychologically and emotionally.
This sounds so much like my situation with my ex its actually pretty weird. I also told her I needed some time to figure things out in my head. But the real reason was that I wanted to end the relationship, because we had so many little issues I just knew it would not work long-term and I would rather save even more heartache down the line.

Unfortunately I just couldnt bring myself to end it properly as I did not want to hurt her. What happened was I ended up hurting her even more. After many months of no contact she still needed closure and we had the most sad phone conversation ever, but it was needed.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is no easy way. She will get hurt either way. But as someone who made the mistake before, my advice is to tell her straight how you feel right now, then do not contact her or even reply to her if she contacts you.
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Old 31st December 2017, 10:08 AM   #5
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This sounds so much like my situation with my ex its actually pretty weird. I also told her I needed some time to figure things out in my head. But the real reason was that I wanted to end the relationship, because we had so many little issues I just knew it would not work long-term and I would rather save even more heartache down the line.

Unfortunately I just couldnt bring myself to end it properly as I did not want to hurt her. What happened was I ended up hurting her even more. After many months of no contact she still needed closure and we had the most sad phone conversation ever, but it was needed.

I guess what I am trying to say is there is no easy way. She will get hurt either way. But as someone who made the mistake before, my advice is to tell her straight how you feel right now, then do not contact her or even reply to her if she contacts you.
i am really surprised that someone went through my exact situation i thought it was weird.. i feel relieved. I will tell tell her... my situation is exactly this same with you.... it took me serious time to summon the courage to tell the first time. I have to summon the courage again... i am thinking of telling her Mid January in order not to spoil her new year euphoria...
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Old 1st January 2018, 8:03 PM   #6
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itsallgood????


hello, happy new year to you and all on the shack, however - I'm not sure it is all good where this situation is or seems to be heading.

I think there is a sense of habit here and nostalgia. the breaking up getting back together isn't really making me feel any more hopeful I'm sorry.

its very thoughtful of you to tell her about things in mid January, but maybe tell her in a few days - the euphoria will be over and she can have time to work the new year to her advantage and start a clean sheet.

I'm afraid you just don't sound that well a match and I think if the fundamental things you need or want are not there they aren't likely to be there either now (or for very long) if you've actually gone out with this girl and broken up a few times before.

I think if you want to do a good thing by her, just explain fully what you feel; do it honestly, gently and kindly and this might give her the closure you both know is probably best for you guys.

me personally I wouldn't block or ignore this girl, its unnecessary; if you have to say things a few times till she understands then fair enough, you are dumping her and you know she is going to be upset, so why not give her that element of respect, instead of putting someone through more hurt by ignoring them.


a new year is a new start, what I feel about your post is that a new start and fresh break would do you good (and her), if she knows what the score is and why - then you will be doing you both a favour.

its about being honest and kind, but respecting someone enough to give them a voice "too" - provided it is not verbally abusive or making you feel unsafe/threatened etc...but I cant see that happening really - just the upset, but that's natural.

waiting for 2 months is not about helping her, I don't mean that in a rude way
I just mean you will find a way if you do this a.s.a.p. and speak with your heart in a kind way, you have given this some thought so don't feel ashamed, but also don't try to play this like a text book either (1-2 months...) things could change by that time and there is also the factor that you might be more harsh, or less caring in your concern, I think if you tell her in a few days then its out there and you can both get on with things, the longer you wait the harder it will be and the more pressure you will bring to this.

communication is a bit of a thing in the small bits ive read, but its going round in circles and hasn't got you anymore in love (the way love really is for keeps) with each other and I think there is someone better for both of you out there.

if you care about her as a decent person(that's you being decent and her being decent), don't string this out any longer, it isn't helping her and will allow for more misunderstandings, false hope or more guilt if she shows you more affection. which in tern will only make her or self esteem fall when you do tell her after having hope.

well that's my 2 cents. if you cant say it to her then write it to her, just be honest and explain why (it will help her understand things), either way...just don't wait weeks for this. 2 days is sufficient. good luck, I'm sure you'll be ok, maxi.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:34 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by maxi105 View Post
itsallgood????


hello, happy new year to you and all on the shack, however - I'm not sure it is all good where this situation is or seems to be heading.

I think there is a sense of habit here and nostalgia. the breaking up getting back together isn't really making me feel any more hopeful I'm sorry.

its very thoughtful of you to tell her about things in mid January, but maybe tell her in a few days - the euphoria will be over and she can have time to work the new year to her advantage and start a clean sheet.

I'm afraid you just don't sound that well a match and I think if the fundamental things you need or want are not there they aren't likely to be there either now (or for very long) if you've actually gone out with this girl and broken up a few times before.

I think if you want to do a good thing by her, just explain fully what you feel; do it honestly, gently and kindly and this might give her the closure you both know is probably best for you guys.

me personally I wouldn't block or ignore this girl, its unnecessary; if you have to say things a few times till she understands then fair enough, you are dumping her and you know she is going to be upset, so why not give her that element of respect, instead of putting someone through more hurt by ignoring them.


a new year is a new start, what I feel about your post is that a new start and fresh break would do you good (and her), if she knows what the score is and why - then you will be doing you both a favour.

its about being honest and kind, but respecting someone enough to give them a voice "too" - provided it is not verbally abusive or making you feel unsafe/threatened etc...but I cant see that happening really - just the upset, but that's natural.

waiting for 2 months is not about helping her, I don't mean that in a rude way
I just mean you will find a way if you do this a.s.a.p. and speak with your heart in a kind way, you have given this some thought so don't feel ashamed, but also don't try to play this like a text book either (1-2 months...) things could change by that time and there is also the factor that you might be more harsh, or less caring in your concern, I think if you tell her in a few days then its out there and you can both get on with things, the longer you wait the harder it will be and the more pressure you will bring to this.

communication is a bit of a thing in the small bits ive read, but its going round in circles and hasn't got you anymore in love (the way love really is for keeps) with each other and I think there is someone better for both of you out there.

if you care about her as a decent person(that's you being decent and her being decent), don't string this out any longer, it isn't helping her and will allow for more misunderstandings, false hope or more guilt if she shows you more affection. which in tern will only make her or self esteem fall when you do tell her after having hope.

well that's my 2 cents. if you cant say it to her then write it to her, just be honest and explain why (it will help her understand things), either way...just don't wait weeks for this. 2 days is sufficient. good luck, I'm sure you'll be ok, maxi.
Thank you for your time. I might probably do it today, i might go see her or probably write her.. Thank you
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:18 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Itsallgood2017 View Post
Thank you for your time and reply. i have not re started the relationship i just told her to give me time to think things over... i have thought it over.. it is better to let go and move on than to date her and end the relationship later... how do i tell her... she is waiting for my answer i told her to give me 1 or 2 months to get myself back together phychologically and emotionally.
Ahh, I thought you meant you'd reconciled and were in some sort of probationary period, had decided it wouldn't work, and needed to tell her.

Personally, I always preferred direct and to the point when giving and/or receiving bad news.
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