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I'm not ready for a relationship right now...


no2days

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Please be kind. I'm just trying to process everything. We dated for 3 months, he told me this just recently. His career is his #1 priority and can't maintain a relationship with anyone at the moment. He also has plans to look for jobs out of state.

 

Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?

 

Those who have been on the receiving end, what steps did you take afterwards?

 

I had a heart to heart with a friend who went through my exact situation. She spent 5 years, on and off, with her best friend who would not commit to her. He acted like a boyfriend but when things got too serious, would break it off, rinse and repeat. She warned me to just accept my guy's explanation and continue living my life. That there was no hidden message that I had to interpret. That if he is confused about his direction in life, that's something he has to come to terms on his own with time. It's likely he does care about me and feels guilty which is why he told me this. To reiterate, I do not think this situation makes either of us the bad person. It just is what it is.

 

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.

 

Thanks.

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Yes, I have said this - and meant it.

 

On one occasion, I was preparing to move far away and knew I couldn't seriously date anyone prior to that. I met a decent guy but I told him it would only be something casual.

 

On another occasion, it was not too long after a the end of a long-term relationship. I needed more time to heal.

 

In both of the above cases, we drifted out of each others' lives and moved on. After some time had passed, I did feel ready to date and met a different man altogether, who is still my partner today.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?

 

 

Because I don't have the emotional energy or time to put what's necessary into a relationship. I don't WANT to sacrifice what little time I do have for that, and feel the pressure of making sure I'm doing enough to meet the other person's needs, etc. My free time is precious to me right now, for various reasons (one being my emotional health).

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When most people say the are "not ready for a relationship" there is an unspoken prepositional phrase at the end of that declaration: "with you."

 

For whatever reason -- a reason you will never know & they probably can't articulate -- the other person is not head over heals for you. They enjoyed your company but they are unwilling to do what it takes to nurture a relationship because on balance against everything else going on in their lives (work, healing, school, sleep, etc.) those things are more important then a relationship with you.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just that in the other person's eyes you & them are not the perfect fit.

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He could genuinely want to put his career first right now, although it seems like it wouldn't take three months to make that call. If he wasn't able to commit for mostly logistical reasons (like ExpatInItaly) he should have told you up front.

 

You are right, he's not a bad guy. He was trying to communicate he doesn't feel strongly enough about the relationship to keep it going.

 

Breaking up is hard. Few if any people are going to be fully honest with you about why they want to move on. (Have you ever broken up with somebody? It's hard, isn't it? I always got tongue-tied.) He may feel he's still hung up on an ex, or maybe he met a cute girl at the company holiday party, or he doesn't feel your personalities gel. The thing is, it doesn't matter. What matters is the intent---he thinks his life is better off without you---and that's all you really need to know.

 

Before I was married I had a number of relationships that sputtered out at the three-month mark, to the point where it felt like a curse. These things happen. It doesn't make anybody involved a bad guy; it's just part of the dating process. When you meet someone who truly wants to be with you, they won't let you go.

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The same guy (who is never ready to marry you because of a million reasons) may get married within months of meeting another woman. It could well be that even he himself thinks he's not ready; but in reality, he just hasn't met the one to make him ready.

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I meant it too. I was working the graveyard shift, and had roommates at the time. I didn’t feel stable enough to have a relationship. If someone is telling you this, it’s probably true.

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When I was told that, I took it as "you are not the one" and simply moved on. Ya you feel ripped off because you were invested but the reality is, it's a good thing it ended quicker rather than much later.

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I’ve used this line as an excuse, however - I’ve had times in my life it was VERY real. I was doing my PhD in a microbiology lab (I.e. my life revolved around the lab; we used to joke Monday is the day people are back, otherwise no difference weekdays/weekends). I was also living in Europe but intended to immigrate to the US after graduation (that’s exactly how it went). So in that time there was no way in hell I’d commit to someone, even if he was Prince Charming, The One or whatever people want to call it. I closed every dating opportunity back then, and yes - I fell (badly) for someone but let it slip through the cracks, I never acted on it.

 

So... Trust him. He may be telling you the truth, and even if not - it is a dead end situation.

 

Please be kind. I'm just trying to process everything. We dated for 3 months, he told me this just recently. His career is his #1 priority and can't maintain a relationship with anyone at the moment. He also has plans to look for jobs out of state.

 

Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?

 

Those who have been on the receiving end, what steps did you take afterwards?

 

I had a heart to heart with a friend who went through my exact situation. She spent 5 years, on and off, with her best friend who would not commit to her. He acted like a boyfriend but when things got too serious, would break it off, rinse and repeat. She warned me to just accept my guy's explanation and continue living my life. That there was no hidden message that I had to interpret. That if he is confused about his direction in life, that's something he has to come to terms on his own with time. It's likely he does care about me and feels guilty which is why he told me this. To reiterate, I do not think this situation makes either of us the bad person. It just is what it is.

 

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.

 

Thanks.

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You are right, he's not a bad guy. He was trying to communicate he doesn't feel strongly enough about the relationship to keep it going.

 

This.. at 3 months he is realizing he connection isn't there for the future..

 

It has happened to me when I was younger.. it hurts but I also learned that it was for the best.. they know themselves better than you know them.

 

There is a new love right around the corner for you...

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Most people including me have been in variations of this theme.

"Too busy to date", but I have either had very understanding bfs who accommodated my busy schedule or I took a break from dating.

Very few people IMO enter into a relationship knowing they will not have time for it or are thinking of moving town/county/State/country asap.

Those that do are probably pretty selfish and are only thinking of their own needs as priority.

 

SO we are back to "I do not want a relationship with YOU" and by your previous threads I guess that is exactly what is going down here.

Sorry!

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littleblackheart

I said it and meant it, and it wasn't personal.

I'm still not 'ready' for a relationship with anyone.

 

Maybe this guy caught feelings and unintentionally led you down the garden path. Sometimes things can't be controlled but circumstances make a relationship difficult with

anyone

.

 

It's possible he will meet someone else and it'll work out because he'll be in the right headspace, not because that person is better than you.

 

Don't take it too personally - just move on, there's nothing else you can do.

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I meant it too. I was working the graveyard shift, and had roommates at the time. I didn’t feel stable enough to have a relationship. If someone is telling you this, it’s probably true.

 

For every person that says this, if they were faced with meeting the most attractive and compatible person they have ever met in their life, they likely will rethink.

 

Picture their *inset current heart throb/movie star/model* running into them at the supermarket and asking them out. Do you really think ANYONE would say “Oh I’m too busy with work to go out with you”?

 

As stated above, they are not ready with a relationship with you.

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mortensorchid

They don't want to be with you, but they can and will have time to do other things. I've had people pull this on me I don't know how many times. One said this to me and he took up with another woman immediately afterward, he was probably juggling me and her, and they've been married for the last four years now. Do I respect him? No not really. I'm an awesome girlfriend and would make an even better wife to anyone, they don't deserve me.

 

Like that person does not deserve you. Move on.

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littleblackheart
For every person that says this, if they were faced with meeting the most attractive and compatible person they have ever met in their life, they likely will rethink.

 

Picture their *inset current heart throb/movie star/model* running into them at the supermarket and asking them out. Do you really think ANYONE would say “Oh I’m too busy with work to go out with you”?

 

As stated above, they are not ready with a relationship with you.

 

Not true at all, and very cynical. Poor health, finances, job stuff - all that can affect a decision to pursue a relationship or not. No one is the perfect person when you're not feeling your best - what selfish person would want to impose that on someone else, even to someone with model looks?

 

There really is no need to overthink this or make it personal. This guy says he is not ready for a relationship - take him at his word, and don't take it is a reflection on you.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
For every person that says this, if they were faced with meeting the most attractive and compatible person they have ever met in their life, they likely will rethink.

 

Picture their *inset current heart throb/movie star/model* running into them at the supermarket and asking them out. Do you really think ANYONE would say “Oh I’m too busy with work to go out with you”?

 

As stated above, they are not ready with a relationship with you.

 

Going on a date is one thing. A relationship is another.

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I had a guy tell me this after a month, citing career reasons too. He even said he couldn't believe it, he'd always thought when people said it it was just an excuse, but for the first time in his life it really is just bad timing. It wasn't about me.

 

That was all well and good. We stayed in touch a little while longer -- just long enough for me to find out it truly wasn't about me and he is terrible. He has serious issues and eventually takes them out on other people. I eventually did the equivalent of running away screaming.

 

If someone tells you this, it's either a nice way to break things off, or it's entirely true -- and not necessarily because they think YOU are the incompatible one. Either way, they are telling you they can't give you what you deserve right now, whether it's on them or on you, so take them at their word. If it really is just timing, they might eventually be back after a break in contact. But do yourself a favor and assume you dodged a bullet unless proven wrong later on.

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Hi No2days:

 

Really sorry you're experiencing this. My bf and I broke up 2 months ago. I posted about it. Feel free to read my threads.

 

We dated for three and a half months. He is a football player in college and barely had time for me. At least, that's what he told me. Through out our relationship, he didn't ask me out on a date. I was always the one who asked him to meet up.

 

I got the feeling he didn't like me very much. At least not as much as I liked him. One day, I pleaded with him to be honest with me and he finally told me that his feelings for me weren't very strong. He also said that he didn't feel like he was ready for a relationship. We mutually ended things that day.

 

We stayed in touch after the break up. 2 months later and we are now in an open relationship. I am dating others and told him to do the same. I don't know how things will end up between us but I am ok with whatever happens. I'm actually going on a date today with someone else, lol :)

 

Break ups are really difficult and they hurt a lot. But trust me, after some time you'll heal and everything will be ok. I am thankful that it didn't take years for you to find out he wasn't that into you. Stay strong.

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Versacehottie

I have said it directly to someone before and it was because of exactly that I didn't want a relationship at that time. I wasn't considering the guy at all so in other words it wasn't because of anything he did or didn't have. I have also indirectly done it too by shutting a person down without dating them even though there was flirting and maybe if the timing was different I would have--a few of those guys I have thought at times that I regretted that the timing wasn't better but it's a fleeting thought since I still realize whatever my priority was still the route I would have chosen. Actually if some guy had tried to push for a yes or made me answer I would sure of my decision, be less interested in him altogether as a person and feel no regret--see the first example--no regret with that one; even though he was a perfectly nice, together guy.

 

One guy said it to me once (indirectly) and like others have said on here I didn't really believe it wasn't because "of me". It's a dangerous thing believing that is the reason. We definitely had a great connection and similar friends so I didn't understand at all--our mutual guy friends eventually confessed that my guy's long distance gf had broken up with him shortly before so he just wasn't ready to date. I let it go and 3 months later he came back saying he was ready. I didn't give him a chance which i have no real regrets about but a lot of it was based in still believing the "with me" part. I don't really believe that anymore now as I've seen various real life examples so I think people should take it on a case by case basis. (Several of my friends are serious relationships with guys who disappeared or called it off with the same or a similar excuse and everything is fine/great now.) But here's the very important thing:

 

You seem like you are searching for the plausibility of the reason why he would do this to you and if there could still be something "there". I would try to distance yourself from thinking about that, much like the people who have a different perspective are advising--to move on mentally. You see, the prescription, no matter which train of thought you have about someone saying this line is the same: move on with your life. Be in a better place, be more about yourself so that if and when he does come back you will know how to deal with him. But IN NO WAY can you "wait". What you need to do is the same whether or not, you have the answers for his real reasons (which you will never get completely anyway and serve no real purpose). I would just say that life is often more layered and complex than it is given credit for on the internet but that the solution can be as simple as the ones you are getting on the internet. Good luck!

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Thank you to everyone that posted their stories. It really helps to see that situations like these are really a case by case basis. It actually helps me to understand the other person's POV and how we are all struggling on the inside. I'm glad others chimed in explaining that sometimes it has nothing to do with the other person, because no matter how great they are, often times it's just a matter of circumstance. I've found it really hard to not put the entire blame on myself, or think how I could have done things differently to salvage our relationship.

 

I have been in the dumper position (only after date 1 or 2 so no long term investment of feelings) and I know it's a very hard thing to do and we sometimes come off cold and callous when that couldn't be farther from the truth. It is true though that I'd already had a head start to moving on when I had to deliver the news. On the other side, I've also taken all dating prospects off the table years ago, when I was in an unhealthy state of mind and body, as to not put myself in a situation where I might hurt myself or others in my fragile state even though I longed for companionship.

 

The wounds are still fresh and I'm still hurting. These thoughts keep me from falling asleep, and wake me up the middle of the night. When I wake up in the morning, it creeps up again, and it seems like I can't get away from it. I think the last thing I need right now to is start dating again (as others have suggested). I've gotten into this pattern where I hop back into dating after a break up when I should be really concentrating on myself and other goals. Maybe it's time I put a full stop to dating because it's really draining at the end of the day. I am really considering seeking out therapy to help me get through this.

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Versacehottie
Thank you to everyone that posted their stories. It really helps to see that situations like these are really a case by case basis. It actually helps me to understand the other person's POV and how we are all struggling on the inside. I'm glad others chimed in explaining that sometimes it has nothing to do with the other person, because no matter how great they are, often times it's just a matter of circumstance. I've found it really hard to not put the entire blame on myself, or think how I could have done things differently to salvage our relationship.

 

I have been in the dumper position (only after date 1 or 2 so no long term investment of feelings) and I know it's a very hard thing to do and we sometimes come off cold and callous when that couldn't be farther from the truth. It is true though that I'd already had a head start to moving on when I had to deliver the news. On the other side, I've also taken all dating prospects off the table years ago, when I was in an unhealthy state of mind and body, as to not put myself in a situation where I might hurt myself or others in my fragile state even though I longed for companionship.

 

The wounds are still fresh and I'm still hurting. These thoughts keep me from falling asleep, and wake me up the middle of the night. When I wake up in the morning, it creeps up again, and it seems like I can't get away from it. I think the last thing I need right now to is start dating again (as others have suggested). I've gotten into this pattern where I hop back into dating after a break up when I should be really concentrating on myself and other goals. Maybe it's time I put a full stop to dating because it's really draining at the end of the day. I am really considering seeking out therapy to help me get through this.

 

Bolded above^^^ the phenomena of where people jump back into dating when they AREN'T ready at all but are trying to sooth themselves or dull the pain happens all the time and should be proof that all the relationship stuff is multi-layered, etc. A lot of time what people DO has a lot to do with what is going on with them and little regard for the other person actually. It would be nice if everyone had the purest and more "direct" intentions every time they embark on something. But just as this jumping back into things to sooth illustrates in reverse, a lot of time what happens has very little to do with the other person. It's faux state of readiness, not real at all.

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Bolded above^^^ the phenomena of where people jump back into dating when they AREN'T ready at all but are trying to sooth themselves or dull the pain happens all the time and should be proof that all the relationship stuff is multi-layered, etc. A lot of time what people DO has a lot to do with what is going on with them and little regard for the other person actually. It would be nice if everyone had the purest and more "direct" intentions every time they embark on something. But just as this jumping back into things to sooth illustrates in reverse, a lot of time what happens has very little to do with the other person. It's faux state of readiness, not real at all.

 

It would be great if everyone did that, but I'm realizing more than ever that just because I go into a situation with pure intentions doesn't mean other people do. Just because I'm considerate of other people's feelings or situations doesn't mean they will be of mine. Just because I go the extra mile and give someone an inch of my feelings and loyalty, doesn't mean they won't take it and run a marathon with it. Someone once said we are all made equal, but we are not all the same. What I've learned is, I should have asked more questions in the beginning. Not going along just to get along because things were flowing really good, until they weren't, and the differences started to unravel on what I thought was a great thing.

 

When I say I should stop hopping back into dating, it doesn't mean I have hang ups on my ex or anything. In fact, I was completely over my ex when I started dating this guy, and was completely available for something with long term potential. But having known heartbreak, this also means I am very guarded in the beginning, and might come across uninterested. I try, but it takes a long while for me to open up and not everyone has the patience to see me as I really am. I'm sure people will tell me the right man for me would be willing to take on that role.

 

Has anyone had success with seeking out therapy for relationship issues? I'm trying to take a long hard look at myself in the upcoming year.

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Yeah, there's no deep meaning here. He just told you he's not interested in a long-term committed relationship with you. He's not confused. He felt he should be honest and let you know this wasn't going anywhere. He may be perfectly happy with just having sex with you but he's already decided you're not anyone he's committing to or going the stretch with. I'm sorry. At least he told you instead of stringing you along like your friend.

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Yeah, there's no deep meaning here. He just told you he's not interested in a long-term committed relationship with you. He's not confused. He felt he should be honest and let you know this wasn't going anywhere. He may be perfectly happy with just having sex with you but he's already decided you're not anyone he's committing to or going the stretch with. I'm sorry. At least he told you instead of stringing you along like your friend.

 

The more I think about it and talk to other people, the more I believe he was never really confused to begin with.

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Versacehottie
It would be great if everyone did that, but I'm realizing more than ever that just because I go into a situation with pure intentions doesn't mean other people do. Just because I'm considerate of other people's feelings or situations doesn't mean they will be of mine. Just because I go the extra mile and give someone an inch of my feelings and loyalty, doesn't mean they won't take it and run a marathon with it. Someone once said we are all made equal, but we are not all the same. What I've learned is, I should have asked more questions in the beginning. Not going along just to get along because things were flowing really good, until they weren't, and the differences started to unravel on what I thought was a great thing.

 

When I say I should stop hopping back into dating, it doesn't mean I have hang ups on my ex or anything. In fact, I was completely over my ex when I started dating this guy, and was completely available for something with long term potential. But having known heartbreak, this also means I am very guarded in the beginning, and might come across uninterested. I try, but it takes a long while for me to open up and not everyone has the patience to see me as I really am. I'm sure people will tell me the right man for me would be willing to take on that role.

 

Has anyone had success with seeking out therapy for relationship issues? I'm trying to take a long hard look at myself in the upcoming year.

 

I would say dating and relationships are a delicate balance of advocating for your best interests and taking a leap of faith. You mentioned above not having asked enough questions in the past. If you mean that literally, i would take it with a grain of salt, pretty much. People say on this site all the time when they are coming here with "having been duped" etc that "he said this or that on his profile" or "we discussed this in the beginning and he knew what I wanted", which is why the talk doesn't really matter...the actions do and people STILL change their minds in the course of dating all the time. You can not "negotiate" all the terms up front in a relationship by announcing them. I would say to accept that a relationship is a living, breathing thing and is fluid in that it changes and you have to nourish it and keep your eye on it and still there are no guarantees. Once you accept that you may get your heart hurt but still enjoy taking the chance or want to anyway, you will be more open to finding it.

 

I think it's good to take a dating break sometimes (or at least seeking a serious relationship!). Have some fun; learn to date from a different mindset, with different expectations and take some pressure off yourself. Sometimes the best time to do that is not that long after a heartbreak because you don't want it so much--well as long as you are not the jump back into a relationship type (which you said you have a tendency to do). The hard thing to do IMO is to take time off and then be full-on with expectations and hope when you are really ready yourself--but the dating world will still be the same--some people with honest intentions and some with confused intentions, etc. So it can be better to "learn" when you don't care so much rather than come back in 6 months and consider yourself a failure if the first guy you really like when trying again doesn't reciprocate. Idk, just my opinion.

 

I think that personal growth (therapy, learning better communication skills, learning about the opposite sex) of all sorts can be good and BEST if you are able to put it into PRACTICE while learning about yourself. So to take yourself off the table or kinda convince yourself that something is "wrong" with you in dating creates a mentality that I think people will tend to repeat or get stuck on IMO. There is something in psychology (forgot what it's called) where you have to "expose" yourself to the risks and things that scare you or cause you to shut down rather than run from them and try to mentally straighten things all out in your head and then be woefully disappointed and negatively reinforce the negative personal thoughts about you in your head when you do try again and have a disappointing result. So that's why I think doing a bit of self-growth (via therapy, books, introspection, whatever) AND continued to experience that part of life (in balance of course and taking little risks that amount to bigger risks that you are more comfortable with) is best. I know I'm not using the right terminology but i did get an A+ in psychology haha so I stand by the approach :)

 

Btw, you can't discount that sometimes DESPITE doing everything right and being a wonderful person sometimes the other person just won't feel you are compatible with them. When you shore up your self-esteem and make peace with that you kinda can get to this place where you are glad that you didn't pursue it further if that's how the person thinks because you know there will be someone more suited to you and what a shame that this person doesn't appreciate you as you are. No blame, just that something better is out there for you. If you keep dating, and kinda analyzing your results or your friends etc you will see that sometimes guys (or girls) make illogical and not the best decisions, not picking the best person on the table or even for them (they may have hangups which you may or may not learn about in retrospect; they may be searching for a different set of dominant traits; you may have dodged a bullet; or you may just be incompatible and they realized it before you did). You got this--don't beat yourself up. Goodluck!

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