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I'm not ready for a relationship right now...


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 2nd January 2018, 8:03 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
This is terrible advice. Men (worthwhile men, anyway) aren't dimwits who need to be tricked or cajoled into commitment. When you meet someone who's genuinely interested, he'll pursue you and make you a priority because he wants to, not because of whatever manipulation you attempted. You didn't do anything wrong with this guy and there wasn't anything you could have done differently. He wasn't feeling it, and that's okay.

I know you're hurting but resist the urge to over-intellectualize your pain. No amount of psychology or research will change the reality of the situation. Finding a serious connection with someone is hard! Just because he didn't want something more with you doesn't make you something less. You are already a wonderful, special, complete human. You yourself are enough. You deserve nothing short of a partner who wants to build a life with you.

Always be yourself, and have confidence in that self. If someone can know you and decide they feel better off without you, you don't want them in your life! The man of your dreams won't have to be talked into a serious relationship. He will put you first because he wants to. And you will find him not by compromising your values or desires, but being unapologetically yourself.
https://youtu.be/2Jt8jZf2Fpk

This was the video I was referring to. Basically, he is suggesting that, we as women, should encourage the guy (who's not ready for a relationship) to go out and accomplish his goals but to also set our standards.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:20 PM   #32
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I've looked back at past relationships where I was dumped, and yeah, it is hard to not think I wasn't enough. I can think of one example of an ex that dumped me, only to marry a woman with model good looks a few months later. I couldn't even really be mad the first time I saw her. From the outside looking in, it seems like he upgraded but who's to say it's perfect? I guess no one. Sometimes it feels like my superpower or that I'm the launching pad for guys to meet the girl of their dreams. But then I think back - he was divorced, had a baby out of wedlock from another woman in his early 20s, then married another woman in less than 6 months after we broke up, and so his baggage is at full capacity. Don't think I would have wanted to get involved in that after all. At the time of the breakup though, the rose colored glasses were glued on and it was a lot harder to see that.

Do you have any books that you'd recommend on psychology or otherwise? Seems like you are well read or at least have experience with seeing the silver lining. I've watched videos from dating "coaches" and a lot of them just advocate to tip toe around men - must be a,b,c and be careful not to do x,y, z so he doesn't feel threatened and will see how worthy of a suitor you are. Must choose your words carefully and almost use a passive aggressive approach, but also have higher standards. At times it's very contradicting.
I will try to think of some books. I think you have to take the nuggets from everywhere (books, sites, anecdotes, and experiences) and see what holds water and what doesn't. It's a bits and pieces thing IMO vs one magic book or site. Some speak to you and work for you while others won't even if they are valuable for someone else. And in spite my wordiness (!!!), I think simple can tend to be better. But it's hard to see/do that when you are still learning. Tip toe around anyone is no good really. That's why some of the communication stuff you might learn in a book (not specifically about romantic relationships) is helpful.

I think sometimes you need to simplify things with your relationship to guys and come from a place of stating what you want not being afraid to do that. Yes you need to get timing and tone right but you can drive yourself crazy trying to get the content and execution perfect when the important part is to have the self-esteem just to come from your point of view always and think that you are stating your wishes so that you can see if you will be on the same page with the guy. My favorite thing to say on here is not to jump to the end. You cannot want a bf or a specific guy more than going through the steps along the way to see if you actually match up and are on the same page. And pretty much what you need to do to go through those steps is to have self-esteem, communicate and be flexible toward the other person to an extent (not to get a guy at any cost but to treat the other person with mutual respect that you expect). Once you truly feel like this you can approach things with much more personal strength.
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Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way

Last edited by Versacehottie; 2nd January 2018 at 12:23 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:22 PM   #33
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Please be kind.

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.
Hi no2days,

Without knowing you or your man it's hard to say.

While I would agree with most, that "I'm not read" usually means "I'm not ready...with you", I would also tell you, that's not always the case.

With my girlfriend who I love, am living with and is my soulmate, I told her I wasn't ready when we first began dating (she wasn't either). It had nothing to do with her, in fact, I was in love with her from the very beginning.

I simply wasn't ready, due to my life status at the time (recently divorced single dad not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone...yet)

That was more than 1 1/2 years ago. We both had our reasons. We kept things casual and moved forward ever so slowly until we were both ready. She then moved in with me and our relationship continues to grow stronger and better every day.

You need to look at the whole relationship and the signs up to the point the "I'm not ready" statement was made.

Yes, it's possible that he's just not ready and more often than not, he's not ready with the person he's with.

Sending you much love and light
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:20 PM   #34
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Hi no2days,

Without knowing you or your man it's hard to say.

While I would agree with most, that "I'm not read" usually means "I'm not ready...with you", I would also tell you, that's not always the case.

With my girlfriend who I love, am living with and is my soulmate, I told her I wasn't ready when we first began dating (she wasn't either). It had nothing to do with her, in fact, I was in love with her from the very beginning.

I simply wasn't ready, due to my life status at the time (recently divorced single dad not ready to have a serious relationship with anyone...yet)

That was more than 1 1/2 years ago. We both had our reasons. We kept things casual and moved forward ever so slowly until we were both ready. She then moved in with me and our relationship continues to grow stronger and better every day.

You need to look at the whole relationship and the signs up to the point the "I'm not ready" statement was made.

Yes, it's possible that he's just not ready and more often than not, he's not ready with the person he's with.

Sending you much love and light
His current life status is up in the air. It's even more tricky because he wants to move within the next few months. The situation might have been salvageable if it was a case of needing more time for feelings to develop -- such as your case; needed more time rather than space. He did not express that he needs more time, but that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. When I asked for clarification, he said he was a "mess". When I asked for further explanation he didn't want to say.

When we first started dating, he mentioned that he was going to be very careful getting into his next relationship, because he had a really bad experience with his ex. We hadn't been in contact the past few days, but he did send a Happy New Year text to which I replied. At this point, I think the smart thing to do (and what everyone on here keeps advocating) is to stop initiating and put a little distance between us. He said we could hang out again some time this week. In the past I would have tried to confirm plans, and even try to make things special, but I think I've learned my lesson and will no longer try to win his approval or attention with extra effort when he clearly said he's not ready. We can meet and have fun when time allows it, but I'll no longer make it priority.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:55 PM   #35
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His current life status is up in the air. It's even more tricky because he wants to move within the next few months. The situation might have been salvageable if it was a case of needing more time for feelings to develop -- such as your case; needed more time rather than space. He did not express that he needs more time, but that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. When I asked for clarification, he said he was a "mess". When I asked for further explanation he didn't want to say.

When we first started dating, he mentioned that he was going to be very careful getting into his next relationship, because he had a really bad experience with his ex. We hadn't been in contact the past few days, but he did send a Happy New Year text to which I replied. At this point, I think the smart thing to do (and what everyone on here keeps advocating) is to stop initiating and put a little distance between us. He said we could hang out again some time this week. In the past I would have tried to confirm plans, and even try to make things special, but I think I've learned my lesson and will no longer try to win his approval or attention with extra effort when he clearly said he's not ready. We can meet and have fun when time allows it, but I'll no longer make it priority.
Sounds like a pretty good plan. You just have to be careful. It's kind of rare that a girl can keep seeing a guy--however sparsely and non-prioritized--that's really the guy she wants and keep her emotional distance. So make sure you don't do everything on his terms, don't let him put you in a waiting pattern, which can easily happen.

I think it's perfect to not initiate. I would take it a step further and only meet up with him if it suits your (full!!!) schedule. You've got to make it crystal clear to him that you are moving on even though you have no ill will toward him. I mean also put him in the friend zone since he cannot offer you more at this time.

BTW, with his life circumstance it sounds like he isn't ready for anyone. Sounds like his career and living situation might be up in the air. It would probably serve you both to take him at his word and trust that if it's meant to be romantically he will find his way back into your life.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:23 PM   #36
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Sounds like a pretty good plan. You just have to be careful. It's kind of rare that a girl can keep seeing a guy--however sparsely and non-prioritized--that's really the guy she wants and keep her emotional distance. So make sure you don't do everything on his terms, don't let him put you in a waiting pattern, which can easily happen.

I think it's perfect to not initiate. I would take it a step further and only meet up with him if it suits your (full!!!) schedule. You've got to make it crystal clear to him that you are moving on even though you have no ill will toward him. I mean also put him in the friend zone since he cannot offer you more at this time.

BTW, with his life circumstance it sounds like he isn't ready for anyone. Sounds like his career and living situation might be up in the air. It would probably serve you both to take him at his word and trust that if it's meant to be romantically he will find his way back into your life.
I was definitely put in a waiting pattern the past month -- even though we were supposed to be casual, it started to frustrate me, both because of the flakiness and my willingness to accommodate his schedule. We're pretty comfortable around each other, so in my mind I thought, why wouldn't someone want to be around me given the chance?

That's a good distinction and something I should keep in mind. I don't get overly upset when a friend needs to cancel plans. I'm much more understanding, but that's also because I realize they will be there for me when I need it, so I don't have to win their approval.

Last edited by no2days; 2nd January 2018 at 4:27 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 4:38 PM   #37
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I was definitely put in a waiting pattern the past month -- even though we were supposed to be casual, it started to frustrate me, both because of the flakiness and my willingness to accommodate his schedule. We're pretty comfortable around each other, so in my mind I thought, why wouldn't someone want to be around me given the chance?

That's a good distinction and something I should keep in mind. I don't get overly upset when a friend needs to cancel plans. I'm much more understanding, but that's also because I realize they will be there for me when I need it, so I don't have to win their approval.
yeah it can be hard to recalibrate your expectations and all the while be looking for "signs" that he's going to change his mind and step up, fall back in love. It might sound a little cruel but I probably wouldn't see him for a while--like a few months. I think he might disappoint you more by having you "waiting" for this potential see each other this week and he has no real urgency to see it through--at least not immediately. I think people who are understanding and flexible in general need to make a clearer statement of what the current status is so the message is "heard".

Plus you have to give him a bit of time to concentrate on sorting out his stuff. IMO&E, guys need some decent job stability before they are going to embark on a relationship in a good way--well good guys. They are good at compartmentalizing that stuff and good reason for it--they process differently. Also if you take what he said about previous relationship, one might speculate that he couldn't match his ex's expectations BECAUSE he was not in right frame of mind, stable in the rest of his life. It's fair of him not to want to revisit that on you/next person. Actually that's the kind of stuff that makes me think he may be more serious about you than it would seem on the surface--however, like I said posts ago, the prescription is the same, whatever the reason is. Take some space. Move on with your life & make it vibrant and full. If he wants back in, he will try.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:09 PM   #38
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yeah it can be hard to recalibrate your expectations and all the while be looking for "signs" that he's going to change his mind and step up, fall back in love. It might sound a little cruel but I probably wouldn't see him for a while--like a few months. I think he might disappoint you more by having you "waiting" for this potential see each other this week and he has no real urgency to see it through--at least not immediately. I think people who are understanding and flexible in general need to make a clearer statement of what the current status is so the message is "heard".

Plus you have to give him a bit of time to concentrate on sorting out his stuff. IMO&E, guys need some decent job stability before they are going to embark on a relationship in a good way--well good guys. They are good at compartmentalizing that stuff and good reason for it--they process differently. Also if you take what he said about previous relationship, one might speculate that he couldn't match his ex's expectations BECAUSE he was not in right frame of mind, stable in the rest of his life. It's fair of him not to want to revisit that on you/next person. Actually that's the kind of stuff that makes me think he may be more serious about you than it would seem on the surface--however, like I said posts ago, the prescription is the same, whatever the reason is. Take some space. Move on with your life & make it vibrant and full. If he wants back in, he will try.
If we are to see each other soon, would you suggest we just enjoy the moment or should either one of us clear up anything on our ends? I'm leaning towards to former because all of this back and forth might put too much pressure on an already uncertain situation.

According to him, it was his ex's doing that broke them apart. She was quite obsessive from the beginning, and did things that made him question her stability. She manipulated him and managed to push herself into his social circle. Whether he likes it or not, she's still a part of his life now that they know all of the same people. I can see from that standpoint why he'd be cautious going forward. That's part of the reason I never took offense that he didn't immediately want to introduce me, although he did mention to his friends about me and our dates. By the same token, I won't introduce a guy I'm dating to friends or family until we're serious.

Last edited by no2days; 2nd January 2018 at 5:20 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:11 PM   #39
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I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:25 PM   #40
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I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.
This right here.

Whats happening here is he gave you the impression that he wanted something deeper. So you believed him. You are a transitional partner for him. its a sort of unconscious situation. THEN He likes you, but told you he cant meet your needs. That's respect. I know it feels like he used you or lied but he was going along until he realized"oh ****e, she has an expectation, a need, I'm unsure I can do it"

So he did what respectful peeps do. He told you he is NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. When it started, he thought he was, but he knows he isn't now. not for this one.

You came at a time that was purposeful, to help him, unknowingly to you.
Here is the silver lining. You are good enough, awesome enough, to capture the desire of a guy who didn't know he had nothing in the tank for a relationship. This means your close, close to being that great partner
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Old 2nd January 2018, 7:56 PM   #41
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If we are to see each other soon, would you suggest we just enjoy the moment or should either one of us clear up anything on our ends? I'm leaning towards to former because all of this back and forth might put too much pressure on an already uncertain situation.

According to him, it was his ex's doing that broke them apart. She was quite obsessive from the beginning, and did things that made him question her stability. She manipulated him and managed to push herself into his social circle. Whether he likes it or not, she's still a part of his life now that they know all of the same people. I can see from that standpoint why he'd be cautious going forward. That's part of the reason I never took offense that he didn't immediately want to introduce me, although he did mention to his friends about me and our dates. By the same token, I won't introduce a guy I'm dating to friends or family until we're serious.
Just don’t pressure him. Go slowly and methodically. He wants to see you = he IS interested.

Now, this guy is not for gaming ‘ring ASAP or else!’. There are uncertanties, he need to get his other stuff done first, it can take time (years). But unless you’re impatient or in a rush for some reason, what do you have to lose?
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:14 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
I think you are really overthinking this. He told you he doesn't want to have a relationship with you; in his mind, any future hangouts will be friendly or sex-only with no expectations of anything more. If you can't handle that, you need to stay out of his way for however long it takes.
I think I'm still in the early stages of grief? This post is like an outlet for me, to air my grievances while learning to move on with my life. I will admit that the past few days have been a bit better, to read everyone's advice, and it's finally starting to hit me that life isn't stopping - it's still going on all around me. I'm slowly weaning off checking my phone for updates and haven't wanted to initiate for something more. I may be slow to catch up, but I'm gathering myself, doing a lot of self reflection, and seeking out therapy so I can talk it out until I'm tired of talking about it.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:16 AM   #43
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This right here.

Whats happening here is he gave you the impression that he wanted something deeper. So you believed him. You are a transitional partner for him. its a sort of unconscious situation. THEN He likes you, but told you he cant meet your needs. That's respect. I know it feels like he used you or lied but he was going along until he realized"oh ****e, she has an expectation, a need, I'm unsure I can do it"

So he did what respectful peeps do. He told you he is NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP. When it started, he thought he was, but he knows he isn't now. not for this one.

You came at a time that was purposeful, to help him, unknowingly to you.
Here is the silver lining. You are good enough, awesome enough, to capture the desire of a guy who didn't know he had nothing in the tank for a relationship. This means your close, close to being that great partner
Thank you.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:44 AM   #44
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So this guy is a medical student (not yet an MD), and will be a resident in a few months? Even if he's matched with a program in a location close to you, his schedule will make dating and maintaining a relationship very difficult, if not impossible. You need to be very independent and don't mind spend a lot of time by yourself and patiently work around his demanding schedule during those few years.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:54 AM   #45
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I think I'm still in the early stages of grief? This post is like an outlet for me, to air my grievances while learning to move on with my life. I will admit that the past few days have been a bit better, to read everyone's advice, and it's finally starting to hit me that life isn't stopping - it's still going on all around me. I'm slowly weaning off checking my phone for updates and haven't wanted to initiate for something more. I may be slow to catch up, but I'm gathering myself, doing a lot of self reflection, and seeking out therapy so I can talk it out until I'm tired of talking about it.
Be kind to yourself. It's very common, especially for younger women, to be in a kind of denial following rejection. They hear "I don't want to date you, but we can still hang out" as "I might date you eventually". It's so hard to accept that you've been demoted to a friend or, worse, a casual sex partner. So many good women spend months or even years trying to extort relationships from men who don't actually want them, Lord knows I did once. This is why people advocate for NC: it breaks the hold they have over you. It makes you realize how much of the world exists beyond your personal drama, as you are now.

But the thing is---someone who actually wants to date you won't let you go. They won't scale back or tell you to lower your expectations. They will want to be with you and you'll be the first to know it. When you meet someone who is as crazy for you as you are for them, it'll rock your world.

You sound like you're coping pretty well to me. Schedule a spa day or something nice for yourself, grab some fancy healthy food, and prepare to kick butt this year.
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