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I'm not ready for a relationship right now...


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Old 30th December 2017, 9:10 AM   #1
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Question I'm not ready for a relationship right now...

Please be kind. I'm just trying to process everything. We dated for 3 months, he told me this just recently. His career is his #1 priority and can't maintain a relationship with anyone at the moment. He also has plans to look for jobs out of state.

Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?

Those who have been on the receiving end, what steps did you take afterwards?

I had a heart to heart with a friend who went through my exact situation. She spent 5 years, on and off, with her best friend who would not commit to her. He acted like a boyfriend but when things got too serious, would break it off, rinse and repeat. She warned me to just accept my guy's explanation and continue living my life. That there was no hidden message that I had to interpret. That if he is confused about his direction in life, that's something he has to come to terms on his own with time. It's likely he does care about me and feels guilty which is why he told me this. To reiterate, I do not think this situation makes either of us the bad person. It just is what it is.

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.

Thanks.
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:47 AM   #2
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Yes, I have said this - and meant it.

On one occasion, I was preparing to move far away and knew I couldn't seriously date anyone prior to that. I met a decent guy but I told him it would only be something casual.

On another occasion, it was not too long after a the end of a long-term relationship. I needed more time to heal.

In both of the above cases, we drifted out of each others' lives and moved on. After some time had passed, I did feel ready to date and met a different man altogether, who is still my partner today.
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:54 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no2days View Post
Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?
Because I don't have the emotional energy or time to put what's necessary into a relationship. I don't WANT to sacrifice what little time I do have for that, and feel the pressure of making sure I'm doing enough to meet the other person's needs, etc. My free time is precious to me right now, for various reasons (one being my emotional health).
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:02 AM   #4
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When most people say the are "not ready for a relationship" there is an unspoken prepositional phrase at the end of that declaration: "with you."

For whatever reason -- a reason you will never know & they probably can't articulate -- the other person is not head over heals for you. They enjoyed your company but they are unwilling to do what it takes to nurture a relationship because on balance against everything else going on in their lives (work, healing, school, sleep, etc.) those things are more important then a relationship with you.

It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just that in the other person's eyes you & them are not the perfect fit.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:15 AM   #5
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He could genuinely want to put his career first right now, although it seems like it wouldn't take three months to make that call. If he wasn't able to commit for mostly logistical reasons (like ExpatInItaly) he should have told you up front.

You are right, he's not a bad guy. He was trying to communicate he doesn't feel strongly enough about the relationship to keep it going.

Breaking up is hard. Few if any people are going to be fully honest with you about why they want to move on. (Have you ever broken up with somebody? It's hard, isn't it? I always got tongue-tied.) He may feel he's still hung up on an ex, or maybe he met a cute girl at the company holiday party, or he doesn't feel your personalities gel. The thing is, it doesn't matter. What matters is the intent---he thinks his life is better off without you---and that's all you really need to know.

Before I was married I had a number of relationships that sputtered out at the three-month mark, to the point where it felt like a curse. These things happen. It doesn't make anybody involved a bad guy; it's just part of the dating process. When you meet someone who truly wants to be with you, they won't let you go.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:16 AM   #6
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The same guy (who is never ready to marry you because of a million reasons) may get married within months of meeting another woman. It could well be that even he himself thinks he's not ready; but in reality, he just hasn't met the one to make him ready.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:54 AM   #7
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I meant it too. I was working the graveyard shift, and had roommates at the time. I didnít feel stable enough to have a relationship. If someone is telling you this, itís probably true.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:42 AM   #8
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When I was told that, I took it as "you are not the one" and simply moved on. Ya you feel ripped off because you were invested but the reality is, it's a good thing it ended quicker rather than much later.
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:24 PM   #9
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Iíve used this line as an excuse, however - Iíve had times in my life it was VERY real. I was doing my PhD in a microbiology lab (I.e. my life revolved around the lab; we used to joke Monday is the day people are back, otherwise no difference weekdays/weekends). I was also living in Europe but intended to immigrate to the US after graduation (thatís exactly how it went). So in that time there was no way in hell Iíd commit to someone, even if he was Prince Charming, The One or whatever people want to call it. I closed every dating opportunity back then, and yes - I fell (badly) for someone but let it slip through the cracks, I never acted on it.

So... Trust him. He may be telling you the truth, and even if not - it is a dead end situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by no2days View Post
Please be kind. I'm just trying to process everything. We dated for 3 months, he told me this just recently. His career is his #1 priority and can't maintain a relationship with anyone at the moment. He also has plans to look for jobs out of state.

Those who have told the other person you weren't ready, what were the reasons behind it?

Those who have been on the receiving end, what steps did you take afterwards?

I had a heart to heart with a friend who went through my exact situation. She spent 5 years, on and off, with her best friend who would not commit to her. He acted like a boyfriend but when things got too serious, would break it off, rinse and repeat. She warned me to just accept my guy's explanation and continue living my life. That there was no hidden message that I had to interpret. That if he is confused about his direction in life, that's something he has to come to terms on his own with time. It's likely he does care about me and feels guilty which is why he told me this. To reiterate, I do not think this situation makes either of us the bad person. It just is what it is.

Looking for experience/stories from all angles - whether you weren't ready and only realized you were after some time, whether you continued seeing each other casually but dated others, or whether it didn't work out and you both moved on, etc.

Thanks.
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post

You are right, he's not a bad guy. He was trying to communicate he doesn't feel strongly enough about the relationship to keep it going.
This.. at 3 months he is realizing he connection isn't there for the future..

It has happened to me when I was younger.. it hurts but I also learned that it was for the best.. they know themselves better than you know them.

There is a new love right around the corner for you...
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:45 PM   #11
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Most people including me have been in variations of this theme.
"Too busy to date", but I have either had very understanding bfs who accommodated my busy schedule or I took a break from dating.
Very few people IMO enter into a relationship knowing they will not have time for it or are thinking of moving town/county/State/country asap.
Those that do are probably pretty selfish and are only thinking of their own needs as priority.

SO we are back to "I do not want a relationship with YOU" and by your previous threads I guess that is exactly what is going down here.
Sorry!
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:56 PM   #12
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I said it and meant it, and it wasn't personal.
I'm still not 'ready' for a relationship with anyone.

Maybe this guy caught feelings and unintentionally led you down the garden path. Sometimes things can't be controlled but circumstances make a relationship difficult with
anyone
.

It's possible he will meet someone else and it'll work out because he'll be in the right headspace, not because that person is better than you.

Don't take it too personally - just move on, there's nothing else you can do.
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:53 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sm12345 View Post
I meant it too. I was working the graveyard shift, and had roommates at the time. I didn’t feel stable enough to have a relationship. If someone is telling you this, it’s probably true.
For every person that says this, if they were faced with meeting the most attractive and compatible person they have ever met in their life, they likely will rethink.

Picture their *inset current heart throb/movie star/model* running into them at the supermarket and asking them out. Do you really think ANYONE would say “Oh I’m too busy with work to go out with you”?

As stated above, they are not ready with a relationship with you.
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:54 PM   #14
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They don't want to be with you, but they can and will have time to do other things. I've had people pull this on me I don't know how many times. One said this to me and he took up with another woman immediately afterward, he was probably juggling me and her, and they've been married for the last four years now. Do I respect him? No not really. I'm an awesome girlfriend and would make an even better wife to anyone, they don't deserve me.

Like that person does not deserve you. Move on.
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:23 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by SevenCity View Post
For every person that says this, if they were faced with meeting the most attractive and compatible person they have ever met in their life, they likely will rethink.

Picture their *inset current heart throb/movie star/model* running into them at the supermarket and asking them out. Do you really think ANYONE would say ďOh Iím too busy with work to go out with youĒ?

As stated above, they are not ready with a relationship with you.
Not true at all, and very cynical. Poor health, finances, job stuff - all that can affect a decision to pursue a relationship or not. No one is the perfect person when you're not feeling your best - what selfish person would want to impose that on someone else, even to someone with model looks?

There really is no need to overthink this or make it personal. This guy says he is not ready for a relationship - take him at his word, and don't take it is a reflection on you.
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