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Old 30th December 2017, 12:58 AM   #1
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Need guidance with my situation :)

Hi all,

First time poster on these forums that clearly help a lot of people and I am pretty desperate for some advice because Iím so lost right now.

I have been single for 9 months and I meet this great girl out one night about 5-6 weeks ago. We hit it off straightaway and we have either spoke on the phone or texted everyday all day since...until the last couple of days.

This girl was moving a lot quicker than me with her feelings and she told me a few times and was quite obvious how much she liked me. I acknowledged her feelings, but I didnít give a lot back. I thought my actions of going on a few dates and talking everyday showed that I was reciprocating, although a little slower.

I was hurt pretty badly in my last relationship with lies and judgement etc etc and this is he first girl Iíve liked since that relationship. This is the reason why I was taking it slow to make sure if I was going to jump in, that I was sure it was right thing to do. I was pretty much a closed book and although she tried to get me to open up, I just didnít know how even though I wanted to. I didnít show her a lot of affection, but I was getting to that point and she has taken that I am not that interested. Iíve made a few mistakes here I know.

Over the last couple of days I have told her how I feel about her as I thought she was getting quite frustrated. Although I have told her how I feel, she said itís probably too late and that she has now shut down and finished it off with ďI donít think we are compatibleĒ. I disagree and I donít believe her when she says that because we are very compatible and I donít believe her feelings can do a 180 so quickly.

I said to her that I have to accept her decision and I will try to leave her be in the hope that I would hear from her again in a few days. That hasnít happened and Iím afraid that I wonít hear from her and Iíve left my run so to speak to late in reciprocating feelings. The thing that is hurting to is that if she hasnít given me the opportunity to explain why Iíve been closed, she might understand me a little more. She said sheís been waiting from the start and now itís too late.

For 3-4 straight days Iíve played so many situations and possible things I could say to her through my mind, should I contact her or just wait for her (if I hear from her at all)...just really lost on what to do?? A friend said to wait to see if she contacts me, another said if I like her what have I got to lose and fight for her. She has been checking my Instagram stories and she has been posting more than usual too, but unsure if this means anything either?

Any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated. I think the only thing we arenít compatible in is the speed in which our feelings were moving and I can certainly understand why she got frustrated and itís now at this point. I want to open up to her because I think it is something that can develop into something.

Look forward to hearing from you in guiding my through this

Cheers!!
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:37 AM   #2
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What led up to this? Did she gradually pull away? Or did she suddenly tell you it's over? Men are often the last to know something is wrong. It doesn't mean she no longer has feelings for you.
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:47 AM   #3
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What led up to this? Did she gradually pull away? Or did she suddenly tell you it's over? Men are often the last to know something is wrong. It doesn't mean she no longer has feelings for you.
Hey Maggie, thanks for taking the time to reply.

It was pretty sudden, over two or so days. We had went on a date and I started to really feel her frustration after the date when she started texting me asking questions, Day later she told me it was too late and we arenít compatible.

About 5 days before she said itís too late, she was pretty blunt about how she felt and asked me straight up how I did and I didnít give her a direct answer and wish I could change that somehow but canít. I said I wouldnít be going on dates with you if I wasnít interested, but guess she was looking for more than that.
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:50 AM   #4
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I think the fact that she has been checking your Instagram and been posting more recently may suggest that she's expecting something from you. I would say fight for her, and explain why you didn't open up. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say.

If that doesn't work, then leave her be for good, and don't contact her.
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:55 AM   #5
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How old is she because it's pretty common with women as they don't wanna waste time or get hurt for that matter if the guy is iffy ,especially as they get older.

My gf , 48 , pretty well gave up and did a complete about face on us bc she'd said 100 times l was too hold backish and l'm pretty sure that was the reason for a lot of her crap too , not all of it but a lot of it.

Anyway , if that is what it is ,you can still get her back but you'll have to convince her of what she really needs to know.

Good luck and don't lose her if that's all it was because you do feel the same anyway by the sounds.
Good luck

Last edited by Chilli; 30th December 2017 at 1:58 AM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:01 AM   #6
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I think the fact that she has been checking your Instagram and been posting more recently may suggest that she's expecting something from you. I would say fight for her, and explain why you didn't open up. Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say.

If that doesn't work, then leave her be for good, and don't contact her.

Thanks The Only One...I still think she has feelings for me but Iím worried she believes we arenít compatible. I really thought Iíd hear from her so itís thrown me a bit.

How do you fight for a girl? Last thing I want to do is contact her and put her off more. I think Iíll leave it another 2-3 days and then give her a call. Hopefully by then she might have calmed down a little and willing to listen.

Why is dating so hard haha!
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:04 AM   #7
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How old is she because it's pretty common with women as they don't wanna waste time or get hurt for that matter if the guy is iffy ,especially as they get older.

My gf , 48 , pretty well gave up and did a complete about face on us bc she'd said 100 times l was too hold backish and l'm pretty sure that was the reason for a lot of her crap too , not all of it but a lot of it.

Anyway , if that is what it is ,you can still get her back but you'll have to convince her of what she really needs to know.

Good luck and don't lose her if that's all it was because you do feel the same anyway by the sounds.
Good luck

Cheers Chilli. She is 33 so what you are saying makes a lot of sense. Iíll leave it a couple of more days and give her a call. Iíll definitely fight but just have to figure out the right way to go about it. When I wanted to tell her why I was closed off, she didnít want to hear it so hopefully in a few more days she may listen.

Thanks again!
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:15 AM   #8
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I'm a girl so I might be able to help you with this answer haha. Some traits I admire in a man are determination, self-assertiveness and consistency. However, since you two haven't been dating long I wouldn't pester her and keep trying for weeks. Just make sure you get your point across coolly and calmly without sounding desperate.

First call her (in 2-3 days as you've planned). If she doesn't pick up then try messaging her instead. Explain how you feel about her and why you think you're compatible. Make her feel special and tell her what you like about her. Explain why you didn't open up. Apologise for not telling her how you felt when she asked, say you regret it and haven't been able to get this situation off your mind over the past few days. You felt hurt when you didn't hear from her because you really want to make a go of things.
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:17 AM   #9
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If you really want her back then it is probably time for a big romantic gesture to show her how much you care.

Flowers, corny poetry, hold a boom box above your head and her a play a love song, or something individual that lets her know that you understand and care about her.

That's your best chance, in my opinion.

She does appear to still care, but she might have other reasons for thinking you aren't compatible, so you have to be prepared to accept that possibility.

I hope it works out for you.
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Old 30th December 2017, 2:44 AM   #10
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Be well worth a try aussie.
Mine wasn't in hold back about feelings but more about commitment really, that was mainly for financial reasons, but to her it was still all basically the same thing.
There was other stuff but l often think most may've stemmed back to the same thing too.
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Old 30th December 2017, 3:28 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by TheOnlyOne73 View Post
I'm a girl so I might be able to help you with this answer haha. Some traits I admire in a man are determination, self-assertiveness and consistency. However, since you two haven't been dating long I wouldn't pester her and keep trying for weeks. Just make sure you get your point across coolly and calmly without sounding desperate.

First call her (in 2-3 days as you've planned). If she doesn't pick up then try messaging her instead. Explain how you feel about her and why you think you're compatible. Make her feel special and tell her what you like about her. Explain why you didn't open up. Apologise for not telling her how you felt when she asked, say you regret it and haven't been able to get this situation off your mind over the past few days. You felt hurt when you didn't hear from her because you really want to make a go of things.

This sounds like a really good approach, if she doesn't answer, the text might be quite a long one so I will have to make sure it is direct and not an essay.

Cheers!!!!
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Old 30th December 2017, 4:32 AM   #12
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You have waited 3-4 days, and now you want to wait 2-3 more days? I dunno...
You are missing an important piece of info on what's going on, so it's hard to help you because you are my only source of info here and you are kind of clueless.

Is it possible that she snooped and found indications of you talking to other women? But she can't tell you cos she can't admit to snooping? Do you have online dating activities? Have you had the exclusivity talk?

There is also the possibility that she was on the rebound. Rebound people tend to move very fast because they needed an instant relationship replacement.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:00 AM   #13
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Are you actually ready to date?

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.
Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.
If it doesn't you need to respect that.
If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:50 AM   #14
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You have waited 3-4 days, and now you want to wait 2-3 more days? I dunno...
You are missing an important piece of info on what's going on, so it's hard to help you because you are my only source of info here and you are kind of clueless.

Is it possible that she snooped and found indications of you talking to other women? But she can't tell you cos she can't admit to snooping? Do you have online dating activities? Have you had the exclusivity talk?

There is also the possibility that she was on the rebound. Rebound people tend to move very fast because they needed an instant relationship replacement.

1. I havenít been talking to any other women
2. Iím not on any online dating sites or apps
3. She wasnít on the rebound, has been single for 18 months.

Thanks for your help anyway.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:57 AM   #15
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Are you actually ready to date?

You're displaying a lot of low interest and seem to have been all along.

Over the 5-6 weeks would have been an opportune time to admit that your lack of affection and being a closed book was because you were bringing past hurt into this new relationship.
Your past hurt wasn't her fault after all.

You could call her and explain - a text won't do at this stage so only face to face or at the very least a call is appropriate - you seem to want to wait several more days though - which is yet another display of low interest.

She has said she has shut down so once you have explained then you have see whether that reignites anything in her.
If it doesn't you need to respect that.
If she is interested in trying again then you have quite a lot of making up to do, be much more consistent, show affection,open up. She isn't able to really get to know you if you keep all that locked away because someone else hurt you.

Dating should be fun and it doesn't sound like it has been much fun for her.

Good luck but if you are going to do something do it and stop procrastinating.

Hey Gemma, thanks for taking the time.

Yes, I am ready to date and i have really enjoyed the last 5 weeks. I know it wasn't her fault and I had put up a wall because I wanted to make sure it was right and that I really liked her before I opened up.

I only wanted to wait a couple of more days because I didn't want to annoy her as she seemed quite angry/upset the last time we spoke and wanted to give her time to calm down I guess, not low interest...I am really keen. I would agree that the last few days haven't been fun for her, but until then we've got along like a house on fire.

I am thinking about sending out a New Years message to her and a follow up call the next day. Just really confused what action and when to take it because I have one chance and that is it. I have kinda written down what I want to say to her, so hopefully she answers the call and I get to say it and like you said, the decision is up to her.
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