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Texts from a female Saturday night


newheart

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We have been dating (again) for 3 months. (Yes, he is the avoidant I previously was in a relationship with) We have just been slowly rebuilding and seeing where things go, after he asked for another chance. (I apologize in advance for the length, had to get it all out!)

 

Saturday night, we were sitting next to each other on the couch talking about our next weekend plans with a group of his friends, and he was in a group text with them planning it. About 9 pm, a text comes in from someone else. It was someone who was a contact in his phone (first and last name), female name. It is a name I’ve seen before in his phone and I have seen it in his list of text threads, but I have never thought anything of it – he uses this phone for work as well as personal use, he has never hidden it, he leaves it openly around the house, we are always looking up things to do or watching youtube videos, etc. on his phone, and he has never received a text from anyone I’ve ever considered suspicious while we were together before. This Saturday evening text was a first.

 

So, he looks at the preview which I can see from the side is a full sentence, but doesn’t open it. It is highly unusual and bothers me, but I don’t mention it. An hour later, a second text comes in, and this time I can see what it says because it is only one word and says: “Hello??” Now this really doesn’t sit well with me because this person clearly had some expectation of him in order to send that follow up, it is Saturday night, and this is not business related.

 

I should have just casually asked who that was in the moment, but I didn’t want to be ‘that person’. Instead, I’ve spent the last three days perseverating. I have been rethinking everything – since I’ve seen her name before, how often do they text when I am not around? Does he talk to her, see her? It just doesn't feel like he'd do that. While he spends pretty much all of his free time with me and is always available when I am, this got me thinking to the day this text came in – on Friday he told me he may grab a drink with his best friend Saturday, but then Saturday (we were together) when I asked him what time he was meeting him, he said he wasn’t going to go, he really wasn’t in the mood to have a drink with him, etc. etc. So now I am wondering if his plans with his best friend were really with her? It is bothering me so much that I went through old texts of ours to identify any suspicious gaps or times he could be with someone else, and honestly, I am driving myself nuts.

 

It just doesn’t make sense to me though …. I spent that day with him and his grandfather, he invited me to do something with him and his brother’s family the next day (which I couldn’t, had plans) and made plans with his group of friends. Things have been moving along well, we are communicating more than we ever had in the past and spending time together often. He involves me in every part of his life, I don’t know when he’d even have time to have something on the side going on, but in my past I have learned this doesn’t really matter. When I was married, my husband and I had just had twins and bought our first home, and I found out he was meeting women off of the internet while at work, met someone (with three children of her own) and she was moving to our area (from 2 hours away) to be with him. In one night he met her while he was allegedly working the overnight, he “changed his mind” about what he wanted in life and it was no longer us (his words). Obviously, the deterioration of our marriage didn’t over one night, but from my perspective. I found out many things afterwards that make me believe he was/is some sort of sociopath. Anyway …

 

So, this has really triggered my past trust issues that I have worked hard on. I beat myself up for a long time about the red flags I must’ve missed with my ex-husband, so much so that I obsessively look for them and am constantly thinking that the person I am dating “changed their mind” – that is always a theme with me. At the same time, while this feels extremely wrong to me, I feel like my radar for this kind of stuff is broken. Part of me screams run away now, part of me thinks it is ridiculous to do so without having any clue what the text was about.

 

Maybe we should have talked about it, but I was caught off guard and now I don’t know how to bring it up after the fact … so last night, we were together again, and he was texting his brother about Christmas in front of me, left his phone open sitting right next to us. I looked down and I could see her text thread towards the bottom of the phone, and it was from earlier yesterday. So, he has made contact (or someone). My original plan was to just rely on how things are going based on his actions which have all been positive, but if she texted again while we were together, to just casually ask who she was. However, I am not sure I can function … I’m embarrassed to admit I have lost sleep over this every night. It would really shock me if there was something going on, despite everything (and after he realized), he is very mindful of my feelings and I can't imagine he'd ever intentionally do something like this. But ... never say never ...

 

Am I blowing this out of proportion due to my past, or is this a legitimate concern? How do I talk to him about it without sounding like I am snooping?

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Hey newheart,

 

Try something like this; “Last night while you were texting your brother, I noticed you got a text from a <insert name>. You’ve never mentioned her before so I became curious.” It’s important that both of you are calm and not busy when you bring this up and make sure you don’t sound angry. Be as relaxed as possible.

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In all likelihood it's just a female friend. Possibly even a relative. Assuming that's true, there should be no stress in asking, and no stress in him answering. If he arcs up there is probably something to hide. Either way your concerns will be answered.

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His reaction to a real simple question of "can I use your phone for a minute?" should tell you everything you need to know about him and his loyalties.

 

Yes, you are partly blowing things up because of your past, but I think more to the point: the reason why you are obsessing over this is because you have been doubting your own experience and judgement because of your past.

 

You understand sketchy behavior because your spider senses are tingling. Why on earth would he not answer the text in front of you if things are on the up and up? IME, when a man won't respond to a text in front of you, it's because it's from someone he doesn't want you to know about in a area of his life that is closed off to you.

 

This is the only thing that would cause me to feel differently: he is planning a crazy, over the top christmas gift for you and she's either handling some or all of this surprise and he's trying to keep you in the dark over it. That is the only thing I can think of that would be plausible and above board, intimately speaking.

 

I'd sit back and wait for all the pieces to come to me. They will... they will find their way to you because the truth never stays buried. It reveals itself at a time most inconvenient to the person who is trying to lie.

 

But here is the thing: you're now at the 3 month mark--and this is when weak foundation relationships begin failing. The "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and now the real him and the real you are coming to the fore. It's when the real you's materialize when you begin noticing the things you thought you could overlook and the struggle begins with being true to what you see and experience and not allowing the other to gaslight you (a.k.a. lull into a stupor) into thinking you're imagining things.

Edited by kendahke
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I think you are correct to be suspicious.

Text from a woman left unopened, follow up text saying "Hello???"

But together with the meet with a friend that got cancelled, it does not look good.

 

It will be interesting to see if those texts are left on his phone or if they magically disappear.

Does she appear on his social media anywhere?

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LivingWaterPlease

It does seem to me he may be trying to keep something from you but it may or may not relate to another gf.

 

Personally I would pray about it asking God to either give me peace about it or reveal to me what is going on. There is a lot in the Bible about treating people well and I believe God honors that in a relationship when we are living with integrity and turn to Him for help keeping a relationship healthy.

 

God has helped me to do this more than once. I started to write a recent experience here in my post but the post got too long.

 

Were I not to have faith to do this (pray and leave it in God's hands) I would probably snoop and get caught doing so, or find out it was an innocent situation then feel guilty for snooping which would undermine the relationship.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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Hi newheart! :)

 

I'm sorry to hear of this new development

 

I was following your other thread and read that you had met up with your ex. I had a feeling that meet up would lead to you two getting into a relationship again, although I hoped it wouldnt

 

Usually when things dont work the first time around, they wont work the second time but I understand how badly you wanted to give things another shot

 

The texts are concerning, for sure. It does seem like he's hiding something...

 

But what really makes me think theres something going on between him and this woman is his history, As you've said, he's an avoidant. He ran away from you before. You mentioned you've seen this woman's name before, so what makes you think the last time he ran from you when you two broke up, he didnt run to her?

 

I say this because when my ex and I fought, he ran to his other women (unbeknownst to me at the time). It could have have been that when you two finally split up, you split up because he was 100% done with you and wanted to go to this woman. After some time, she didnt fit the bill anymore so he came back to you but kept her on the back burner. Seems logical to me.

 

As to what you can do.... I would ask him about her. Who cares if you come off as, "that person". When I first started dating my bf, my trust issues were off the charts so I would ask him things. Once I saw his transparency, his honest answers, his willingness to communicate... I knew I could trust him and moved forward knowing I was with someone I really felt safe with. If your guy truly has nothing to hide, he'll tell you about her. Or....if he does have something to hide, he'll beat around the bush, deflect, argue, get defensive etc. THOSE tactics will be your answer!

 

If he is cheating in some way or another, you will likely never get a straight answer from him. All you will need to know to move on is his secrecy. That speaks volumes.

 

I dont have much hope for this guy considering your history with him. I wouldnt trust him with my heart if I were you

 

Talk to him, ask him questions in a non-confrontational, straightforward manner and keep us posted

 

Xoxo :)

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The fact that you feel unsafe asking him AND you don't fully trust him is something you both need to work on together.

 

One way to practice this is to absolutely be "that person."

It's okay to say in a calm non-threatening way that you saw her name and was wondering who she is since you haven't heard about her before.

A good partner would be an open book and answer as if he has nothing to hide, and he wouldn't make you feel bad for asking.

 

Next time, don't wait so long to ask.

You could save yourself a lot of suffering, plus find out if he has actually done much in the time you were apart to improve himself.

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Just caught up on a few hours of reading aka your past threads lol

 

I am in an extremely similar spot as you surprisingly! Almost 2 years of dating and we are on our third try(2 month in between the last one)... now its a LDR which is super fun(not) but we lived together the rest of the time so it'll be ok i'm thinking/hoping.

 

Question 1- Have you two talked anymore about the future? Last thing I saw, he said he could see you guys being together forever and being happy. However you also mentioned a difference in future plans...

 

I don't believe you are over reacting in your worries about the texts, but given your history, don't let him know that.

 

I agree with the other poster who said to bring it up nonchalantly. Heck, it could be his cousin, who knows. Don't let him know you have been worrying or he may pull the past BS of trying to avoid and blame you for over reacting, but definitely bring it up!

 

Question 2- Are you happy? I sincerely hope you are! Not to derail the thread at all but I feel like i'm trying so hard to be happy now that i'm back with my X but my guard is so far up. Constantly worried about the past repeating itself..

 

I hope this little blip in your radar jumps ahead and you guys can continue on the path to exploring the future! HUGS

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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.

 

It continues to not sit well with me, despite everything appearing to be 'normal', our at least our current normal. I will try to answer any questions/comments in one post:

 

I can pretty much guarantee this is not his family - I know almost all his family, and those who don't live locally are still names I know (either through discussion or social media or both), and this isn't one of them. No, this name of the female texter is also not anyone on his social media.

 

Hi Dis! :) While I have seen this name before, it has been only in the last three months. I believe she is someone he met while we were broken up. At first, I had no concerns, he was so appreciative that I even agreed to talk with him again, I would have never thought he'd consider screwing that up! Lol ... But, I am thinking that, even if they don't spend time together, maybe she is the backup plan. If that is the case, she can certainly become his number one! I didn't go into this naively (if that's a word) and I've been cautious but optimistic. After this, my optimism is waning ... We have talked (at length) at why we broke up, his role in it, etc. and I actually feel comfortable with that, but I don't kid myself to think that means we will make it. (especially depending on how this turns out)

 

Olivetree - Excellent point about not feeling safe enough to ask this. I am not sure if my fear is based on him specifically, my past, or a combination of both, but either way it is not good. You are right, lesson learned, next time I just need to (calmly) dive in and ask. In past relationships, I have overreacted due to anxiety or insecurity, so I have taught myself to pause, but that isn't necessarily the best approach.

 

Jdouble - Thanks, that must've been a fun few hours! :laugh: To answer your questions - 1. No, we really haven't discussed our future further, and I haven't brought it up because I had seen many positive moves in the right direction. I planned (lol - I am a planner) to have a chat on where we are/future after the holidays. Now, my talk will change a little bit. 2. If you had asked me if I were happy a month ago, I would have said "cautiously, yes". Now, I am not sure. I have happy moments, but then I still have some relationship anxiety in between those moments (related to keeping my guard up, just like you) which is now elevated. So I guess to answer your question ... right now, I am not happy. I can understand and appreciate that a relationship is not always sunshine and rainbows and requires work, but their should be far many more positives, right? Sigh.

 

So, I probably won't see him until Friday at this point, then will spend a chunk of the weekend with him. I will keep you posted ... again, thank you all for your support!

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He didn't open her message because he was afraid of it's content - either something inappropriate/flirty or her asking to meet up. The fact that she wrote "hello??" afterwards, further indicates that she didn't like her message being ignored.

 

Why else would he act so secretive? If he has no problem opening other people's messages in front of you, there's no other reason he'd avoid reading some woman's message.

 

I remember your thread, newheart, even though I've never posted in it. It surprises me that you're together again. You've already found out how he handles relationship problems, which is probably why you're afraid of confrontation right now. Tell him what's on your mind and see how he handles it. Might be he keeps an orbiter just to feel less "trapped" and more "free" since he's an avoidant.

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I don't think that the messages are necessarily as bad as everyone thinks.

 

He is conflict avoidant and secretive by nature.

It doesn't mean that what he is hiding is sinister, but he might think you will take it the wrong way when his intentions aren't bad.

Obviously, this has the effect of creating an unsafe environment which could be completely circumvented if he were just open or you just asked and he responded in a way that made you feel secure.

 

I think it's nice when someone isn't glued to their phone/checking messages in your presence.

But I would feel uneasy though if they usually checked their phone but then didn't when they saw it was a certain person.

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Ask yourself....how would you react to your bf snooping through your messages or questioning you about a male friend that texted you? Even tho you have nothing to hide?

 

I wouldn't be texting someone back during my time with my BF. How about you?

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Hi Newheart, I'm sorry that you're going through this so soon after reconnecting with him :( I know it may seem like something small to others but this would be something I would lose sleep over too. I become consumed by my relationships, which isn't the best thing but it's just how I am. It's hard to overcome trust issues. I probably would have done the same as you at first but I think I would have blurted something out either later that night or the next day, I couldn't sit on this.

 

When you hold things in they become worse. There's a chance this is innocent but you seem to be like me and if you think this is someone who he was seeing while you guys were apart, I'm pretty sure that you're right. I don't know if he's necessarily cheating but he might be keeping the door open for her just in case you guys don't work out or maybe he just became used to texting her. Of course these are just guesses, you need to speak to him to find out the real deal. I know you must be going crazy with all these thoughts in your head, I can truly empathize with what you're going through.

 

When you bring this up to him just be direct and honest, that is always the best way. If he gets too defensive or starts to flip the situation around to you being the person in the wrong, you'll know the truth. I agree with Dis, I don't think he's the best person for you but I am no one to judge so I just wish the best for you. I hope that this is innocent and easily explainable. Keep yourself busy until Friday and please keep us updated!

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Jdouble - Thanks, that must've been a fun few hours! :laugh: To answer your questions - 1. No, we really haven't discussed our future further, and I haven't brought it up because I had seen many positive moves in the right direction. I planned (lol - I am a planner) to have a chat on where we are/future after the holidays. Now, my talk will change a little bit. 2. If you had asked me if I were happy a month ago, I would have said "cautiously, yes". Now, I am not sure. I have happy moments, but then I still have some relationship anxiety in between those moments (related to keeping my guard up, just like you) which is now elevated. So I guess to answer your question ... right now, I am not happy. I can understand and appreciate that a relationship is not always sunshine and rainbows and requires work, but their should be far many more positives, right? Sigh.

 

 

Not only that, but to be back in this relationship after 2 failed attempts, it sucks that you're already unhappy. Just not a good sign is all. And if it's going to affect how you feel about him(which is sounds like), you need to talk about it ASAP. If he acts like a douche and tries to shut you down, leave. Get your dang kayak and GO. And block him on every ever-loving possible form of contact you have. Even the dating site, should that come up again.

 

It is NOT okay for him to have another girl chatting him up right when he gets back with you! (Assuming the above convo happens and he gets weird about telling you)

 

My X (we're back together kinda but its easiest to just roll with that title) is the type of man that, should I ask, will tell me ALL the details. Usually too much bc I keep asking and get too nosey.. thus feeling worse than if I hadn't asked at all. LOL. But this is a good trait I suppose; honesty. He'll answer any question whether it gets him in trouble or not. If your man can't do this, whats the point? Especially when it could be such a simple answer, and if it's not he should be able to man up and be honest about it.. You don't want to be trying things with him again, hoping to get it right, only to find out he can't even give you a straight answer about a girl on his phone..

 

Also must add... if you guys have "been slowly rebuilding and seeing where things go" Have you had the talk about exclusivity? It would be really effed up for him to be doing that at this point BUT if you just assumed you were exclusive while you were working things out, he may not really be in the 'wrong' per se. Although it would be extremely sh*tty to play that way.

 

Looking forward to your update :)

 

-J

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It has been a week and just wanted to update everyone:

 

Since I hadn't addressed it on the spot and it was an isolated incident so far, I decided to wait and see if it happened again and ask who the person was at that point, if it recurred. (Smackie, you had a valid point too)

 

We've had a nice holiday in the meantime but all things considered, this has been a challenging week for me with lots on my mind. (Basically assessing whether or not this can really work with an avoidant, and thinking about my own happiness here). Thinking a lot about Olive's comment about feeling safe.

 

JJ - re your question about exclusivity - when we first reconnected, we said we would not dive right into a relationship where we left off, but that we would only date each other to see where this goes. So yes and no? Lol ... that said, it feels like it went right back to where it was relationship-wise anyway (to an extent at least), actually spending more time together now than before.

 

Kellens, thank you so much ... I see you posted for an update a few weeks ago on my other thread, and it means a lot to me that you are still checking in.

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JJ - re your question about exclusivity - when we first reconnected, we said we would not dive right into a relationship where we left off, but that we would only date each other to see where this goes. So yes and no? Lol ... that said, it feels like it went right back to where it was relationship-wise anyway (to an extent at least), actually spending more time together now than before.

 

As it is obvious you are not exclusive, having never actually agreed to that, then the "incident" is maybe not that surprising.

 

Many guys will make FWBs out of their exes, so be careful.

YOU may think it is all going towards getting back together, that may not be what he has in mind, especially if he is testing the waters elsewhere.

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HI newheart,

 

I'm sorry about your troubles.

 

Why would he hide something from you? Who knows.

 

I don't offer up everything and anything to my girlfriend. If she asks I tell/show otherwise, even if she's sitting right next to me and I see something I do not want to deal with right then, I won't show her.

 

As for him being Avoidant (is that a word?), you are showing the same behavior by avoiding the issue you yourself have brought up.

 

The most important things in any relationship is honest, open communication.

 

Stop avoiding the problem. You have concerns (justified or not), and you want them answered. ASK!

 

I realize it's scary, that's why we avoid things. But...

 

...we do so at our own peril. Look at how you've tortured yourself and are still torturing yourself. Wait...hope...avoid...repeat.

 

If you addressed it in the beginning you'd have an answer (for better or worse) instead you have nothing but pain (self inflicted and self created).

 

Growth is typically hard because we need to step outside our comfort zone. You can do it.

 

Sending you much love and light

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I broke up with my ex because he was so secretive about his cell phone

He would read his texts and when he found out I noticed it he would hid his phone. I had got enough so I dumped him.

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