Very different romantic histories and impact on relationship

[Newtoallofthis]

Hi

 

I've posted a couple of times on here and always received really balanced insightful advice, so I'm back again!

 

I'm female, 36, and separated a year ago after a decade long relationship which resulted in (an unfortunately) failed marriage.

 

I have been casually dating since the summer and its taken some getting used to, mainly because internet dating was in its infancy when I was last single and things have changed a lot! Have had what I would call a couple of minor dating 'relationships' each for a month or too. Not exclusive but 'seeing each other', but didnt go anywhere for various reasons. Have mainly been dating to get 'back in the game' and not necessarily expecting to meet someone serious yet.

 

I started chatting to this new guy about 6 weeks ago and we met after a week. We get on great. He's a little younger than me (30) and never been married. In the last few days he's asked me how I feel about us being official/exclusive.

 

However, his relationship history is pretty intimidating to me. I don't know exact numbers but from discussions, he has had a lot of women in his past. I'm not judging him for that, but I'm unfamiliar with the concept, having been in 2 long term relationships both for 8-10 years with a few casual dates in between.

 

From what I can make out he has had dozens of casual dating type relationships where it didn't make to exclusive/official, and then a lot more short term girlfriends for a few months only. He's had 2 or 3 long term girlfriends that lasted longer. I can't help but feel kind of intimidated by this. I guess I'm a little afraid of being a number/just another girl to him. I don't want to get too heavy and serious and ask him as its such early days so how can I determine this?! Whilst I feel ready to date I'm very wary I don't want to rush into something and fall head over heels and get super serious and get hurt. So far things are great, but how do I gauge what he is looking for from this? Or do I just go with the flow?

 

I'm not sure whether I'm being particulary sensitive to this having come out of a long term relationship and now adjusting to the casual-ness of dating, or whether I'm just a bit insecure about his dating past. Him being a little younger may also have a bit of an impact.

 

Any feedback or advice would be great.

 

Thanks so much!

[d0nnivain]

Do you trust your gut or does it steer you wrong? If you feel uncomfortable don't date him.

 

 

Logically however, if he has never asked those other myriad of women to be "official" but he's asking you two things may have happened: 1). he's ready to settle down and 2). he respects the fact that you are not the casual type I would not wholeheartedly believe that he never asked the others to be official but it's a sweet story. Whatever label you put on it, guard your heart a while longer. Enjoy whatever it is, but keep your eyes open for red flags. His numbers are a cautionary tale but IMO not a reason to give up on him already.

 

 

As a collegian I had very high #s. I enjoyed dating & the thrill of the chase but didn't care for relationships, commitments or obligations. As an adult I was more like you; a serial monogamist with long term commitments even if mine didn't turn into a failed marriage.

[marjohnee]

I think the concept you are describing is something you will have to get used to when online dating. Unless you meet someone who is new to OLD himself, many people will have some experience with several short-term/casual/semi-serious relationships that don't make it to the exclusive point, a by-product the nature of OLD itself.

 

He has already initiated the exclusivity conversation with you and made your relationship official, so I don't see why it would be too soon to determine what you both expect from it.

 

I wouldn't see his past as a (sole) reason to be insecure if he doesn't give you cause for feeling like "just a number" otherwise, though. Does he? His relatively little experience with serious LTRs is something to keep in mind, but doesn't necessarily say much about his intentions.

[Newtoallofthis]

Thanks both!

 

I think I'm struggling adjusting from being in a serious, long term relationship to the more casual dating thing. Its obviously so different. I guess because him and I have a very different past with respect to relationships I'm just wary we may be coming from very different angles. He's definitely had more serious girlfriends before as welm but I can't help be a bit paranoid about why he's had so many fleeting things too. Dont get me wrong, I've had casual flings etc but he just seems to have had so many, it makes me wonder why?

 

I think I'm ready to date but at the same time feeling a bit guarded as don't really wantto go through more heartache anytime very soon...

 

Dating after marriage is tough ?