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What is this passive aggressive jealousy thing?


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Old 10th December 2017, 8:21 PM   #1
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What is this passive aggressive jealousy thing?

This weekend, I was staying over at my boyfriend's. We live in different cities so I went to see him. Friday night we stayed in, cooked, played games. Saturday morning he told me he forgot about plans he made with his cousin to go to a concert at night. I urged him to go, and decided to just stay at home to cook for myself.
Then a friend texted me that he was also going to go to that concert but decided against it due to bad weather, and asked if I wanted to meet around the corner for dinner and a drink. I thought it would be nice, so we met.

2 hours later, my boyfriend and me arrived home around the same time, and my boyfriend asked me what I did while he was at the concert. I told him about meeting my friend, showed him a selfie we took during the dinner.
My boyfriend just said "Oh... he's cute."
I said "Why would you say that?".
And he said "You don't think he's cute?", to which I just rolled my eyes.
Nothing followed then, these were just comments he made and then we moved on from it. He did not ask about any details of my night and just continued to talk about the concert.
When my friend was texting me later about something we had talked about during dinner, my boyfriend was saying "Texting with *friend's name*, eh?".

I really find this quiet, passive aggressive commenting odd.
Either you're jealous, or you're not. Either you show it, or you don't.
But what is this in-between thing?
When I ask him if he is jealous, in that moment, he says "No! Why - should I be?"

I really do not understand this behavior.
It is really starting to piss me off, though, because this happens every time I spend time with a male friend.
He also never asks about details of what I did, but when I meet a female friend, he's always interested in what we talked about, what plans we had made, etc., as he always is with my daily life.

Thoughts?
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:17 PM   #2
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He's probably feeling jealous but doesn't want to express it... and that's why it comes off in passive aggressive form.

Does he have the tendency to bottle up other things in this way? There is a problem if he bottles up stuff and blows off later.

Btw male friends one-on-one while in a relationship will cause anxiety in many guys... It is not nice but quite normal. If you explain the nature of the relationship with the guy friends that you have, he'll slowly start getting more comfortable with it.
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:18 PM   #3
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How included are your male friends in your couple's life? Dinner parties together? BBQ's? Group outings? Etc. How about him? Does he include his male/female friends in your couple's life? How does that go?

How long have you been BF/GF? Any other hiccups along the way?

IME, most of my male friends are pretty territorial about other males their wives may associate with. Not prohibitive but territorial. I wasn't and, heh, well wife became exW and ended up with one. The territorial instinct in the male is pretty innate and strong. Sure, some of us process it intellectually using modern societal conventions but the base mating covetousness is still there.

Is this style, which you term passive-aggressive, how he normally approaches relationship issues, or just this one?
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:25 PM   #4
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He's probably feeling jealous but doesn't want to express it... and that's why it comes off in passive aggressive form.

Does he have the tendency to bottle up other things in this way? There is a problem if he bottles up stuff and blows off later.

Btw male friends one-on-one while in a relationship will cause anxiety in many guys... It is not nice but quite normal. If you explain the nature of the relationship with the guy friends that you have, he'll slowly start getting more comfortable with it.
Mh, I think he can definitely bottle up things, but we haven't that that many moments where that was the case. Usually, if we have a small fight, we confront things right away. But I know from the past that he used to bottle up feelings a lot. I am not sure if he still does it, it seems he has been working on it. Maybe not in this case :?

Yeah, I have a lot of male friends I do one-on-one activities with. He doesn't, though. His friends are mainly guys, and the only girls he is close friends with are all the girlfriends of his male friends. He went to the movies with the girlfriend of his best friend two weeks ago (his best friend was sick so she asked my boyfriend to go), but this must be a very rare instance, because he never had one-on-one's with his female friends.
I on the other hand have A LOT of male friends. And since I am younger than him, I do not know many couples, and have more single friends.

The guy friend I went out with Saturday is someone I make music with, that is the nature of our relationship, but we also get along outside of our creative formation.
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:31 PM   #5
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How included are your male friends in your couple's life? Dinner parties together? BBQ's? Group outings? Etc. How about him? Does he include his male/female friends in your couple's life? How does that go?
No, he has not really met many of my friends at all. He has met my best friend, and two of my girlfriends. I have yet to meet his close friends, I only met one friend so far. He keeps wanting to plan a couples dinner with his best friend and best friend's girlfriend, but I am not so often in his city... there's always something up.

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How long have you been BF/GF? Any other hiccups along the way?
6 months. Hiccups.. yes, but we mastered them fairly well. Nothing major so far.

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IME, most of my male friends are pretty territorial about other males their wives may associate with. Not prohibitive but territorial. I wasn't and, heh, well wife became exW and ended up with one. The territorial instinct in the male is pretty innate and strong. Sure, some of us process it intellectually using modern societal conventions but the base mating covetousness is still there.

Is this style, which you term passive-aggressive, how he normally approaches relationship issues, or just this one?
I can see that, the territorial thing. He did mention that he can be very protective if he has a partner that he loves. And currently we are closer than ever, we really are not shying away at all anymore from professing our love for one another, and I can tell he's becoming more protective.

He can be passive aggressive in fights. We fight sometimes but the fights are usually short. His initial responses are often very passive aggressive, he then apologizes fairly quickly for that, though.
I tend to be very calm in fights, and rather quiet, and do not aggravate, but he can really rile himself up if he's got a stubborn thought in his head.

I don't know, I really can't tell, I find it just too weird that he acts so non-confrontational with his jealousy, because he is very confrontational whenever he has an issue pertaining to us, otherwise.
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:36 PM   #6
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He's jealous....don't have one on one dinners with that friend. Just sayin. Most guys, and your BF knows this, don't have dinner with women just for their sparkling personality.
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Old 10th December 2017, 9:40 PM   #7
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In that case it is probably worth it sitting down and having a mature talk about how you and him view friends from the opposite sex, what both of you find acceptable and what not etc. Otherwise I'm pretty sure it will cause friction down the line...

I have many male friends as well, and go to one-on-one activities with some. Men react differently to it:

* My ex was not cool with it - he thought even if I view them platonically, they probably want more if occasion permits. How I solved the issue back then was by taking my then-bf to meet my guy friends and if meeting them one-on-one - avoid date-ish situations (like dinners etc)

* A guy that I dated more recently was on the other end of the spectrum. He said he sees nothing wrong with friends from the opposite sex, and even his friends were predominantly female. If I were to transition into LTR with him, I'd not worry at all about meeting my guy friends.

Anyway your guy seems like scenario 1. It is better to set expectations early on so you can keep both your relationship AND friendships without too much complications.

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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
Mh, I think he can definitely bottle up things, but we haven't that that many moments where that was the case. Usually, if we have a small fight, we confront things right away. But I know from the past that he used to bottle up feelings a lot. I am not sure if he still does it, it seems he has been working on it. Maybe not in this case :?

Yeah, I have a lot of male friends I do one-on-one activities with. He doesn't, though. His friends are mainly guys, and the only girls he is close friends with are all the girlfriends of his male friends. He went to the movies with the girlfriend of his best friend two weeks ago (his best friend was sick so she asked my boyfriend to go), but this must be a very rare instance, because he never had one-on-one's with his female friends.
I on the other hand have A LOT of male friends. And since I am younger than him, I do not know many couples, and have more single friends.

The guy friend I went out with Saturday is someone I make music with, that is the nature of our relationship, but we also get along outside of our creative formation.
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Old 10th December 2017, 10:09 PM   #8
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He's jealous....don't have one on one dinners with that friend. Just sayin. Most guys, and your BF knows this, don't have dinner with women just for their sparkling personality.
Well we make music together but sometimes it is nice to meet outside of a studio and just talk about things other than music. He knows i have my boyfriend and he would not try anything, itís surreal to me. Heís like a little brother or something. I donít even understand why my boyfriend would be jealous.
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Old 10th December 2017, 10:11 PM   #9
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In that case it is probably worth it sitting down and having a mature talk about how you and him view friends from the opposite sex, what both of you find acceptable and what not etc. Otherwise I'm pretty sure it will cause friction down the line...

I have many male friends as well, and go to one-on-one activities with some. Men react differently to it:

* My ex was not cool with it - he thought even if I view them platonically, they probably want more if occasion permits. How I solved the issue back then was by taking my then-bf to meet my guy friends and if meeting them one-on-one - avoid date-ish situations (like dinners etc)

* A guy that I dated more recently was on the other end of the spectrum. He said he sees nothing wrong with friends from the opposite sex, and even his friends were predominantly female. If I were to transition into LTR with him, I'd not worry at all about meeting my guy friends.

Anyway your guy seems like scenario 1. It is better to set expectations early on so you can keep both your relationship AND friendships without too much complications.
Thatís be thing, he never said anything about me having male friends or meeting them. In the beginning he was cool with it too, and it even went without comment. Now lately these passive aggressive comments started popping up and itís really freaking me out.
So i think generally he doesnít mind i have male friends, but then i really donít get why he is jealous.
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Old 10th December 2017, 10:30 PM   #10
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This is where you are being niave...

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Well we make music together but sometimes it is nice to meet outside of a studio and just talk about things other than music. He knows i have my boyfriend and he would not try anything, itís surreal to me. Heís like a little brother or something. I donít even understand why my boyfriend would be jealous.
This is where you are being naÔve ...

Your BF knows that any male, and yes any, would jump into bed with you at the drop of the hat.

I know, I know, you are young and modern and your friends, are not like that... PLEASE.

I am a musician, work with a lot of females and if I was not in a relationship, I would bang any of them.

That is just the way it is, young, progressive, modern, creative, whatever, that is the way that it is.

You need to recognize this.

Don't allow yourself to have dinners alone, that should be out of bounds...
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:35 AM   #11
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This is where you are being naÔve ...

Your BF knows that any male, and yes any, would jump into bed with you at the drop of the hat.

I know, I know, you are young and modern and your friends, are not like that... PLEASE.

I am a musician, work with a lot of females and if I was not in a relationship, I would bang any of them.

That is just the way it is, young, progressive, modern, creative, whatever, that is the way that it is.

You need to recognize this.

Don't allow yourself to have dinners alone, that should be out of bounds...

I do not see why this means I am being naive. If we'd assume the guy may want to sleep with me, I mean sorry, but I still have a say in this as well! There are probably a lot of people I meet everyday who want to sleep with me, does not mean it will happen. I have agency.

Do you think dinner alone is really that bad? I mean, we meet to make music at each other's houses, isn't that much more intimate than a dinner in a public place around the corner from my boyfriend's house?

Don't get the logic..
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:51 AM   #12
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Well, Being passive-aggressive doesnít mean youíre a bad person. Often itís ďa strategy we use when we think we donít deserve to speak our minds or weíre afraid to be honest and open..
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Old 11th December 2017, 7:53 AM   #13
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That is where the naivetť comes in...

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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I do not see why this means I am being naive. If we'd assume the guy may want to sleep with me, I mean sorry, but I still have a say in this as well! There are probably a lot of people I meet everyday who want to sleep with me, does not mean it will happen. I have agency.

Do you think dinner alone is really that bad? I mean, we meet to make music at each other's houses, isn't that much more intimate than a dinner in a public place around the corner from my boyfriend's house?

Don't get the logic..
That is where the naivetť comes in... It may not be you that he does not trust, it could be the guy.

And yes, being in his home is more intimate, but at least when you are going there, you at least have work to do, music. Where as, when you go to dinner you are on a date. It "looks" different, see what I mean?

And here is the deal, I am not saying that your BF is justified or right in what he is doing and the way that he is acting. I am trying to explain to you WHY he is acting that way.

It does not matter is it makes sense to you or not, it is the reason that he is doing it that is important.

You can talk with him, dump him or whatever, but at least you will have an understanding of why he behaves that way.

And here is another thing to think about... This and other boards are replete with stories of 'Friends" that work together or opposite sex friends that, once a relationship has a bad day, those "friends" end up sleeping together, which makes everything worse.

I am sure that you would never do that, but you need to be aware that it happens a lot...
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:04 AM   #14
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And here is another thing to think about... This and other boards are replete with stories of 'Friends" that work together or opposite sex friends that, once a relationship has a bad day, those "friends" end up sleeping together, which makes everything worse.

I am sure that you would never do that, but you need to be aware that it happens a lot...
As much as I’m for male friends (because I enjoy male thought process a lot), I tend to agree here... After I found myself single *many* of my male friends attempted crossing boundaries... It actually makes me sad since I would have never done it in the reverse case but apparently they have been thinking about it to some extent when I was coupled as well. Did I sleep with any of them? Nope, but it still makes me nervous they’re thinking about it (btw I’m zero-flirting type, so it’s not like I provoke them).

I think OP should introduce her BF to her male friends - this will make everyone’s role very clear. Male friends and BG can coexist but it takes some strategizing.
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:14 AM   #15
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That is where the naivetť comes in... It may not be you that he does not trust, it could be the guy.

And yes, being in his home is more intimate, but at least when you are going there, you at least have work to do, music. Where as, when you go to dinner you are on a date. It "looks" different, see what I mean?

And here is the deal, I am not saying that your BF is justified or right in what he is doing and the way that he is acting. I am trying to explain to you WHY he is acting that way.

It does not matter is it makes sense to you or not, it is the reason that he is doing it that is important.

You can talk with him, dump him or whatever, but at least you will have an understanding of why he behaves that way.

And here is another thing to think about... This and other boards are replete with stories of 'Friends" that work together or opposite sex friends that, once a relationship has a bad day, those "friends" end up sleeping together, which makes everything worse.

I am sure that you would never do that, but you need to be aware that it happens a lot...

Oh my, i would never dump him, heís the man of my dreams. I want to have a family with him one day. But i donít want to always be made feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my friends. And of course i donít want him to feel he need to make these passive aggressive comments.
I always had the feeling he trusts me. So when he makes these comments it feels off.
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